I CHOOSE YOU, BAY-BAY!!!!

Valentine's Day, SCHMALENTINE'S DAY!



In all my deuce-eight years, I don't think I've ever really had a GREAT Valentine's Day.
I remember the first one I celebrated (without getting mass amounts of Sesame Street, Rainbow Brite, Get Along Gang, etc Vday cards like in elementary school or friendly Candygrams in Jr. High) was in '95. I was with a dude who looked like a 90s Hip Hop version of Dudley off of Diff'rent Strokes. Please somebody for the LIFE of me tell me why he came over with a CHRISTMAS bag filled with an OPEN heart-shaped tin filled with chocolates and a glass SNOWMAN jar HALF-filled with M&Ms. Gravy! A RECYCLED and REGIFTED Vday!! **tears**

Closest thing to aw'ight was maybe VDay 2000 (or was it '01? Or '02? DAMMIT! One of them years when I still had my REAL eyebrows!)
I was with my ex. (For those that know me, you know, the CRAYZAY one who would sit on my porch at 2am waiting for me to get home from the club? The one who followed me to my OTHER ex's house and left mail on my windshield? The one who wasted a pint of QUALITY Dreyer's ice cream by chucking it at my Neon just cuz I didn't tell him I was going to the store? Yeah, his psycho ass!)
Anywhoo...We made a day of it by going to the Auto Show, then to Olive Garden for "linner" or "dunch" (whatever you wanna call that time between lunch and dinner) then we hung out all night. It was cool. But I DO remember thinking about my OTHER ex-boyfriend the WHOLE day. Wondering if he was thinking about my ol' lovesick ass. It was TRULY sad, let me tell you! Here I was enjoying my Stuffed Chicken Parmigiana or Tour of Italy or whatever cheesy/saucy special OG had going on then thinking about a guy who could give 2 SHITS about my ass! I wondered if he was gonna PAGE (hahahaaha! Remember that?!?!!!!) me and say SOMETHING...ANYTHING Alas, he didn't! FUCKER!

And this Vday is no different than MOST of my sorry ass history of Vdays. Don't really have a REAL love to spend the day with. Got several Vday texts. Even got asked by my NUMERO UNO to be his Valentine, but really...what does that entail? Me at work, him at work. Me off work chillin at the pad, him going to his other job and staying there all night, Me at home sittin Indian-style on my floor, knife to my throat while prepping my noose for some hangeration.
GRAVY! That's the way love goes!

So, in honor of the day that makes me question my mortality I present you with some quotes from my favorite UGK Album, 2001's Dirty Money, spit by my FAVORITE Love-Hater and Disrespecker, Pimp C! RIP to my fellow Light Skindid, Plus Sized, Love-Hatin' Lean Sippa, Tony Snow aka Sweet James Jones!!!!!!! FUCK BITCHES! GET $$$!!!!!

What that bitch said/Pimpin ain't dead/I'm still gettin head/Got your dike bitch in my waterbed/Hit her from behind/4 or 5 times/Put that dick up in her spine/I done blew your bitch mind/Look at me! ("Look at Me")

I got them bitches popping pussy getting buck (getting buck)/And you know that we couldn't give a fuck (give a fuck)/I got them bitches on the corner selling cock (selling cock)/And the game that I got don't stop (don't stop) ("Like a Pimp")

Fuck how them bitches feel, I'm working wood wheel ("Don't Say Shit")

And a BONUS! From 1996's Ridin' Dirty

When you look at my chrome and you lick your lips/It's just like I'm rubbin my dick between your hips/And when you smile and shake your ass, my grill smile right back/Bitch I'm the real, that's why I ride Cadillac/And I'ma fuck you and fuck ALL yo' friends/Soon as Pimp C come through in that 600 Benz/With burgundy paint, butter and LG rims/Color TV, VCR playin X-rated films/of myself, runnin up in beauty queens/But let me tell y'all niggaz the difference between y'all and me/You see, man I can tell all that bitch wanted to dois just ride for free and smoke for free/But bitch not me, you better ask them hoes if my name Pimp C/Unless your pussy makin ten thousand dollars a week/The only way I see you sittin in my passenger seat, you bitch!

Don't have nothing to do with Vday, but I just love this line from, "International Players Anthem":

My bitch a choosy lover/Never fuck without a rubber/Never in the sheets/Like it on top of the cover

**singin and doin a Four Tops dance**

I CHOOOOOSE YOOOUUUU, BAYBAY!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, BEEYATCHES!

It's Black History Month, SNITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!! Vol. 2.0

Since I missed a WHOLE week in teachin' y'all a lil somethin' about my people, here's a SURGE of little known Black History.
WE MUST LEARN!!!



1883 - James Hubert "Eubie" Blake is born in Baltimore, Maryland. He will become a pianist, who will be an instrumental part of the creation of a new music movement named 'ragtime.' He will form a song-writing team with Noble Sissle that will create many Broadway musicals. He will temporarily retire after World War II and will see a resurgence of his career in the1960's, with renewed public interest in ragtime. He will remain active as a jazz pianist and composer until his ninety-ninth year. He will join the ancestors on February 12,1983 in New York City.



1866 - The distribution of public land and confiscated land to freedmen and loyal refugees in forty acre lots is offered in amendment to the Freedmen's Bureau bill by Congressman Thaddeus Stevens. The measure is defeated in the House by a vote of 126 to 37. An African American delegation, led by Frederick Douglass, calls on President Johnson and urges ballots for former slaves. The meeting ends in disagreement and controversy after Johnson reiterates his opposition to African American suffrage.



1965-Blacks held mass meeting in Norfolk (Va.) and demanded equal rights and ballots. Other equal rights meetings and conventions were held in Petersburg, Va., June 6; Vicksburg, Miss., June 19; Alexandria, Va., August 3; Nashville, Tenn., August 7-11; Raleigh, N.C., September 29-October 3; Richmond, September 18; Jackson, Miss., October 7.
(This fact is talkin to ALL Y'ALL who DID NOT vote last Tuesday. Shame on you! Can't stop you from gettin' to the club before 10 to get in free, though, huh?!?!?!?! Primary or NOT, folks FOUGHT for your right to vote! EXERCISE IT!!!!!!)




1905-Black intellectuals and activists organized The Niagara Movement at a meeting near Niagara Falls. Delegates from fourteen states, led by W.E.B. Du Bois and William Monroe Trotter, demanded abolition of all distinctions based on race.



Chemist Percy Julian born in Montgomery, Alabama. Julian studied at DePauwm, Fisk, Harvard and Vienna (Germany) Universities. In his lifetime he discovered several synthetic substances including one that made paint water-tight, cortisone and a fire suppressing foam.




1903-On February 3, Jack Johnson became the first Negro Heavyweight Champion
(threw that one in as a shout to my bday!)

It's been a long time...

Now that the CDC has cleared my home , nostrils, and lungs of the Ebola virus, I AM BACK ON THE SCENE with a FAT GIRL lean!
If I EVER had to offer you words of wisdom, here they go right hurr: BELIEVE THE WEATHERMAN when he says it's gon' rain on yo' head! (Shouts to
The Color Purple)
Man! I thought I was the Teflon Don or some shit, moving when the sky is crying like T.O. after they lost to the Giants. (**snicker, snicker) I thought I'd be fiiiiine like Mary J. Blige and her half Social Worker/Half Beatles 'do. Thought it would be NOOOOO problem to move in a THUNDERSTORM, but after I contracted SARS of the nostrils and chest, please believe I know better!
So I "enjoyed" 3 days of sick leave last week, but now I'm back like fat backs!!! Still got a lil' case of the sniffles...and now a visit from the Red Ranger and her homies the Cramp Tramps (<--bitches!), but other than that, I'm back to being the SAVVIEST of the fatties!
So since I ain't got much to say, except maybe BEAT EM LIKE THEY STOLE SOMETHIN, BARACK!!!...I'll bless your day with a SavvyFatty survey!

Follow me nah!

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
None other than Oprah's pregnant-with-dectuplets (<--if that exists) babymama. Can you say "CA-CHING!"


2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
I like pickles, onions, ketchup, chipotle sauce, a lil' ranch, A LOT of mayo and jalapenos. **whispers** Wipe me down with an angioplasty.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
**with a serious as a heart attack face** Are YOU as surprised as I that you're STILL alive?!??!?!!!!

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Laying on the beach in Jamaica being "welcomed" by a couple of Akon-black, sexxxay boday, dread-locked Rasta men.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
ANYTHING! (I'm FAT! Whatchu thought??!!!!)

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
I hate them BOTH! But since the fatty in me LOVES the salty deliciousity of Spam...I'll go with Pop-ups. (Although that reminds me of those Fred Flintstone PUSH-up Pops...AAARRRGGHH!! The fat girl in me is so confused!)

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
I hear the sea biatches called him "Cap'n Makes It Hap'n" **wank, wank**

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
**Tossing up my diamond** It's Da Da Rock! Da Da DA ROCK!!!

9. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Too quiet. Shit happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts...and/or a $5.99 on sale Marie Callendar Chocolate Satin Pie. Cuz. believe me, like Yung Joc and Nitty: It's goin DOOOWWNN!!!

10. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
When a person has the confidence to be themselves ALL THE TIME at ANY and ALL COSTS!

11. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Licorice, of course.

12. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
The Coronado Bridge...the place where you'll find my Honda parked minus a driver if shit don't start lookin up...QUICK-LIKE!

13. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Hmmmm...none really. The only thing that can put me to sleep SPEEDY-LIKE is
It's like being nuzzled against my mama's warm bosom while she hums a gentle lullaby...

14. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
1! I ain't no FOOL! Mighta missed 14 out of 15, but hey!! I gotz my ish!

15. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
OPRAH'S WALLET!

16. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
EVERYTHING! I'm fat! I don't discriminate!

17. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
I'll stay with the 50 cuz it's 50 more than I got now!

18. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
I'll give YOU up cuz you're OBVIOUSLY smokin to ask me to choose!

19. What is your highest level of education?
I'm in the 27th grade at the School of Hard Knocks, man. It don't stop!

20. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been?
About $3. DAMMIT! That USED to be my Chipotle Barbacoa burrito with extra cheese and Tomatillo sauce budget.

21. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
Sesame Street, Little Mermaid, a plastic Alpha Beta bag...a free or reduced lunch card...depends on what year we're talkin'. Sometimes ish was good...sometimes ish was TRAGIC.

22. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
A housekeeper! I'll make the mess and you clean it up, GUADALUPE!!!! Or else! I'll have La Migra up in hurr so fast to toast your tortillas! (<--Fun with Racism!)

23. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
Stuck in traffic. Trap me in an elevator and I'll turn dat beeyatch into a port-o-potty so fast from sheer terror and claustrophobia!

24. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word?
K-CI and JO-JO!!!!!!

Yoo wown dee zyyy wit dat?

In her final semester at the Michael Jackson Don't Like the Man in the Mirror Institute for Race-Trading...Lil' Kim is finally living up to and NOT living up to her name as she's not so 'Lil' anymore (peep that MAX-PAK of chins!) and 'Kim' as in "Yoo git towz n nellz or jus nellz? I-bil-lau wax too?" Peep her Suzy Wu look and that frightening Kabukisha makeup lookin like Anna Nicole's casket twin.
Who's Lucy Liu in the background? The one Kim's interning for?



So many questions and so little patience!
Why she got on my grandma's good church scarf? The one she waves in the air when the pastor is "telling it!" The same one she wipes her Pancake 41 off with after she dun' broke a sweat from shoutin when "Jesus Will Work It Out" boomed from the church loudspeakers. The same one that probably TILL THIS DAY wreaks of a ghetto mix of White Diamonds and Passion.

And where's the other half of that jacket? Is this an optical illusion? Like the pic where you can't tell if the stairs or going up or down!?!?!?!!! I'm at work! Don't have time for a puzzle, dammit!!

And again, I'll ask why Frank E. Campbell let Stevie Wonder get his Maly Rincal on with her mug? (And I do use "her" mug lightly! Cuz you KNOOOW there's a Rubbermaid factory in Middle America missing a LOAD of inventory over her redux!)

I'm ALL ABOUT individuality. Lawd knows I am! I ain't nooooo stranger to danger!!! I got a pair of Superhero Red calf-height flat boots RIGHT NOW that I sport and support like nobody's biznaz. (SHOUTS TO my girl CAMILLE! GOOD LOOKIN!) However...I ain't seen this many colors in one outfit since George Clinton, Betsey Johnson, Pharrell Williams, a bag of Skittles and them Heatherette boys had a mid-afternoon orgy in my day dream!

**Sidenote: Is it just me...or do you want a Kraft American Singles grilled cheese sam'mich right about now after looking at that purse??!?!!

**SIDE Sidenote: Sorry to negate our proud history below with this tomfuckery right here. We SHALL overcome! Please believe it!!!!

It's Black History Month, SNITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy SHORTEST, MOST INSULTING MONTH TO CELEBRATE OUR RICH HISTORY! Month!
aka "Black History Month" for those of you who aren't as "militant" as your Fatty here! **weave glistenin' while pumpin' a Black fist** (<--Oh! The Irony!)

So, to celebrate I'm going to ATTEMPT (can't make promises. I BE'Z who I BE!) to post Black History Facts daily. And not OBVIOUS facts either. You won't see any Martin Luther King or P. Diddy facts here. Some you may already know about. Others you may be like, "WHAT?!?!? WOOORRRDDD?" Either way...read 'em...and SHARE! Each one teach one until we REEEAALLYYY reach 'em!

**whistlin 'Sweet Georgia Brown'**
1927 - The Harlem Globetrotters, considered by many the most popular basketball team in the world, is formed by Abe Saperstein. Originally called the 'Savoy Five' after their home court, the Savoy Ballroom, in Chicago, Illinois.


**whisperin** Them some big, tall, LANKAY summamabeeyatches!!! Bet those shorts are the SHORTEST they could POSSIBLY be. Bet there was aLOT of "man meat" under dem der' stripes!