Cinco De Lie-O

Happy Cinco De Mayo, folks!
'Tis the day to gather your friends and fam to celebrate Mexican heritage and pride by reflecting on the initial victory of Mexican forces over the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, right?
RIGHT?!
WRONG!!
It's Cinco De Drink-o, bitches! Shouts to all you licka-loving Americans who will readily desecrate any ol' historical holiday (4th of July, anyone?) by turning it into a DUI Derby.

All day you sit impatiently in your cubes trying to devise a scheme to make an early exit out of the workplace in order to snatch up the BEST table at the local Chili's or El Torito.

Celebrate Mexican heritage?! Pssshh!! PLEASE!! More like celebrating with mass quantities of Mexican beers and your esay homey, Jose Cuervo.
The free chips and salsa, tiny sombreros and zarapes decor is all fine and dandy, but really you're in the buildin' to get plastered! ROCK OUT with our COCKS OUT!! BLITZ OUT WITH OUR TITS OUT! To get HAMMERED like MC while singing "La Bamba" drunkenly.

It's a dayum shame, U.S. of A.


All I wanna know is: Where da PAWR-DAY at?!
;-p

Talk about Doublin' Up

A woman will testify at R. Kelly's upcoming child-pornography trial that she had a three-way sexual encounter with Kelly and the allegedly underage girl shown in the videotape at the center of the case, the Chicago Sun-Times reported on Saturday (May 3). Jury selection for the long-delayed case is scheduled to begin Friday. Source

Dayum! This shit is BANANAS, R-ruh! I have zero words for you and your level of kink. **shaking head**

SavvyFatty'ers: As the trial draws nearer, what other CUH-RAY-ZAY revelations could be be uncovered about R's not-so-secret sexcapades?
Here's what I imagine:

A duckbilled platypus is set to testify that during the shoot, he served as assistant to the then teen and was in charge of securing her Garanimals and Underoos. "It was also requested that I keep a case of Pedialyte was on deck just in case [she] became dehydrated for any reason," he added.

Es Un Nino!...Unexpectedly-o!

Photo Source

Seventeen year old Xochitl Parra secretly gave birth to an 8-pound, 3-ounce (AY, CHICO!) lil' nino while getting ready for school last Wednesday morning. Alone and unable to call for help since her home phone was disconnected, Xochitl walked 4 blocks to the nearest hospital with the baby still umbilically attached. Parra, a sophomore in high school, kept the pregnancy secret because she was afraid her mother would "kick [her] out of the house." Read more here...

MI DIOS! I cain't even imagine a teenager being pregnant for nine dayum months and secretly giving birth...**getting in time machine and rewinding back to February 3 in the year that Reagan was elected el Presidente**...HOL'UP! Yes, I can, as I was just a "bad stomach ache" up until I popped out, throwing up the 'W' like, "WHAT IT DEWWWWWW!!!"

Real talk though, I wish Xochitl and baby Alejandro nada pero the best. I hope Xochitl finishes high school and moves on to higher learning and a lucrative career so her and her son don't have to endure nights of Hot Dog and BBQ Sauce Rice and Thousand Island Dressing on Wonder Bread sammiches like I did coming up as the child of a pair of horny teenagers. **tears*
**hoping Ma-Dukes ain't SavvyFatty'in it today**

Musted and Disgusted

Happy Friday, y'all!

It's MAY! Already! Seems like just yesterday I was standing around KISS-less **tears** at the stroke of midnight at the homies' New Year's Eve party.
But now that summer's almost upon us and the weather's gettin' hot, girls is dressin' less AND checking out the fellas to tell 'em who's best...I'm gettin' NOYVOUS, y'all.

For those of you with a NORMAL set of sweat glands, I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the moment you can chunk DEUCES to the cold and all the chub-covering cozyness of winter clothes.
Well, CHEERS TO U! and your ability to go through a day WITHOUT turning your shirt into your own personal tea pot. Lucky effers! **pouts and shoots the jealous face**

To those of you, like me, with ig'nit ackin' pits, the kind that don't give a good gotdizzity that somebody's takin a 60 million pixels pic of yo azz so "PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEEEAAASSSE! DON'T put that ninja PIT STAIN in the flick cuz a bitch might wanna put this pic up on Da 'Spacer, dammit!"...here's a word of advice for ya: STAY IN YO' DEODORANT LANE!!!!


Follow me nah to about 2 months ago when I went to Wal-Mizzity to stock up on supplies for my new lil' cute place. (jeah!) Living alone is the BIZNISS for so many reasons...except for not having someone to share costs with. So in preparation to fly solo I had to make sure I had plenty of the necessities on deck since my bills were soon to skyrocket like a priest's pee-pee at a middle school wrestling match.

So imagine my happay face when I stumbled upon the deodorant aisle and see Suave havin' a 2-for $1.88 sale on their 24 Hour Protection Powder scent. I don't really use Suave, but a deal is a deal! "HAIL YES!" I say to myself cuz anytime a biatch can pinch some pennies, I'm ALLL about it. Let me scream and shout it!

So...Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when the mild Cali Sunshine unexpectedly morphed into Hades. Thought I was straight with a deodorant defense on deck, right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

WRONG!!!!

MAN! If R. Kelly had a hit with Chocolate Factory, Suave has graciously bestowed upon me a Musty Factory. Instead of calling that shit 'DE-odorant,' and advertising, "24-hour Protection" (<--against FRESHNESS!) the package should read, 'RE-odorant' with the tagline: "Expeditiously making waste of your shower one must gland at a time!" **tears for wa$ted dough and the happy optimism of finding a deal**

So in short:
NEVER Trust a 2-for-1 "On Sale!"......cuz it could be POOOIIIIIII-ZUUUUNNNN!!!!

They'll be after dem tittays next

After missing 4 to 5 months worth of payments, rapper Lil Kim's Bentley was snizzatched unexpectedly from her home.

"Apparently, when Kim was asked to turnover the keys to the vehicle, the rapper told the repomen that her accountant would handle the situation. When, [New York's ] CW11 [news] attempted to receive comment from Kim on the falling economy and raising tide or repossession in auto, the disgruntled rapper began to curse at the reporter, telling him to leave her estate." SOURCE

Daaaayyyuuuum, homay!!
I just pray she has the pank slip for the rest of the shit she's purchased. Would suck to see her gracing the cover of a magazine looking like this.