My, My Miley

Before I reduce myself to gettin' into fisticuffs with muhphukkas over my baby booboo, I'mma just politely ask y'all to leave my Mi-Mi alone.

For those who thought she should (she did!) apologize to her fans for posing in such "racy" photos, SHUT THE EFF UP! Maybe if you were more worried about your OWN kids they wouldn't be somewhere plottin' to blow up their schools or blowin' their teachers. Or looking for a role model via the boob tube cuz yo' azz is too busy to parent. MESSAGE!
What exactly should Miley be apologizing for?
Yes! She took the above artsy Annie Liebowitz flick that might not be appropriate for a 15 year old. And some Myspace pics that she should have thought twice about before posing for.

However...this ain't cha average teenager. Thi$ bitch got $tack$ like texturizer$ got Dax! Paper higher than a $ky$craper! Money like Chri$ Rock got funny! Dough like she's in training to be my Lady O. Oh!

Out of this whole "scandal" the only thing Mi' should be apologizing for is looking like the girl on the Les Miserable poster and for cheating on me with this lil' Mac Tonight-chinned floozy!
I know IGG-ZACK-LEE when this pic was taken, too! I recognize that scarf! That was the day she was supposed to be brangin' me a ribs and pancakes dinner for lettin' her stay up late to watch Cathouse 2 with me and O. And THIS the muthafuckin' thanks I get?!?!?!!


**gaining composure and recovering from jealous rage**
Bottomline: My lil' one can do what she wanna!
Long as she ain't flashin' myyyy me and Oprah's her panty partner for the world to see or drunk driving, or acting like she has to go elsewhere, instead of staying home with me and O, to get the biznazz, she's just being a girl! A very wealthy, BREADWINNIN' girl who could buy and sell you 2 dolla, 2-cent opinion havin' azz.

**A Moment of Silence for Injustice**

And they say justice is blind.

**shaking head**

Nicole Paultre-Bell darted out of an NY courtroom, inconsolable, after the judge acquitted the undercovers charged in the 2006 shooting death of her fiance, Sean Bell.

I'm sorry. I'm outraged. I have no words.
Read more...

Preg Swag

Peep the Preg Swagnicity of some of your fave Hollywood hotties.

Oh! And Lisa Marie Presley, too, showing that science is far more advanced than we know. Who'duh thunk a nonagenarian could successfully carry the fetus of Napoleon Dynamite and Jesse Camp's lovechild?
98 year old Lisa Marie Presley leaves West Hollywood's Madeo restaurant with her husband, Michael Lockwood, who looks like he's auditioning for the Y T revival of "Mr. Bojangles."



My girl Gwen Stefani lookin' oh so chic and cute with her medium-sized baby bump after leaving Saks in LA. She's reportedly due the first week of August. I hope she has her own lil' holla back girl since she already has a cutie patootie son, Kingston. Wonder what she'll name this one? **crossing fingers hoping the baby wasn't conceived in Middlefart, Denmark**



Jessica Alba is lookin' SWOLE after leaving her baby shower at Ever After Teahouse in Studio City. She better be quick to back down off the bon bons, pickles and ice cream...or she'll be in line with me spendin' Real Women Dollars at Lane Bryant's Semi-Annual Cacique sale.

Peep her ninja lover, Cash Warren, carrying some ish out of the festivities.
**whispering** Hopefully he's taking that home to chop it up and put in a bowl with some Italian dressing for his babymama.



Maybe NOT Preg Swag
Kimora and Djimon were spotted shopping in West Hollywood and she didn't appear to be carrying a mini Midnight Mandingo. Peep the bare belly. You make the call...

Paris is Falling

**rubbing hands together while speaking in my e-veeeelll, sinister voice**

PARIS HILTON...YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOWWWNNNNN!
RARARARARAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!


Paris hilton took a niiiiiice lil' spill, which birthed a niiiiice lil' chin knot, while leaving a music store in Prague.

You KNOW you're a herpes ridden, praying mantis A-alike whorebag when you even FALL like a ho. Peep the placement of her head in the second pic as she's trying to recover.

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
**calling home to see if someone can bring me some fresh undies as the ones I'm currently wearing have inexplicably turned a liquidy brown**

Rich bitch!

Elderlicious!

Musical Douchebag Rapper Singer Artist Fergie recently celebrated her 33rd bday with a Vegas shindig where her King Tut A-alike game was diesel. Peep ya granny's pair of saggy Silk Reflections she uses for a neck.
**licks lips then vomits** Ooooohhh!! FERGIELICIOUS!

Well, the show wasn't called "CHURCH in the City"

Now, in my whorish humble opinion, Kristen Davis could be licking ANYTHING in this pic, including a stamp. Stars got bills, too!!!
I just don't underdig why folks are so quick to think she's playing a saliva solo on the skin flute. Didn't the Bible say, "Judge not lest ye be judged?" YES!!
Heaven forbid YOU pass out drunk in a stranger's lap at the club. LAWD knows what we'd uncover in your Sidekick...mmmkay?!

**texting Oprah and Miley to tell them that I'm "Held Up at the Office"**

...as I sit at my desk and rub a nuclear hot mudhole in my "delores"

**Fanning self while dipping nipples in ice water**


HUBBA! HUBBA! HUBBA!!!!!


The "open-minded" individual that lurks inside of me (aka the side that thinks Queen Latifah and Missay may have the RIGHT idear!!!!) is simply admiring the SHIT out of these pics of Kim Kardashian wearing the HAIL out of ButtaFace #1's (aka Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls...and soft boners everywhere) new lingerie line.

Guess I should mention the other person in the pic. And I would...if my mind was working half as hard as my clit-rubbing hand.

The Good, The Bad, The Homeless

Stars without makeup!
photos courtesy of Star Magazine


I know everybody can't be a 10 all the time. It's a LOAD of work...sez the girl who used to REFUSE to leave the house without precision-drawn on eyebrows, pounds of mascara, and lips greasier than Miss Peachez Fried Chicken. Ya heah' may?
But as I grow older (and lazier...and my OWN set of eyebrows! YES! FINALLY!) I'm pretty much over it. So DON'T be alarmed if you peep me making an early Saturday morning Wal-Mart run looking like Leukemia Jenkins. Progress is a slow process. ESPECIALLY when that process involves trying to replace what you, FOR YEARS, Bic'd or Nair'd off. D'oh!


Anywhoo, peep these stars lookin' like the rest of us for a gatdayumed change.

Here's my mistress (behind my wife and my future {NO R. KELLY!} Babymama #1) just slightly off her game. She's still maintaining the same amount of fuckability she has when she looks like this. She just looks like she has a little bit of a cold, that's it. Doesn't stop my nips from singing a happy song!





**handing message to Kathy Griffin**
Powder called. He wants his swagger back. ASAP.


**hands Kathy another message**
Oh yeah...the sun called. Said it's still shining...and free!




Damn, Jess I know the movies ain't been doin' the HOTTEST...but I had no idea ish got this bad. Mean to tell me Romo ain't breakin' a bitch off? Daaaaaammmmnnn! I have 4 words of advice for that sitcho: SNATCH THE CAT BACK!

CaWIGula!

Robbie Carrico, ousted American Idol contestant, is denying rumors that he wore a wig in the competition. He got his people to corroburate the story and say, "Naw, ninjas! That's his ish! He got Indian in his fam-lay."

**gettin' out my magnifying glass, fine toothed comb and laser pointer**

Exhibit A:

The most damaging evidence is the absense of a part. Last time I checked, any time humans had hair going in opposite directions, there's always a small skin-colored chasm called a "part." The only forms of hair that DO NOT have this part are called "Wigs."
Also, peep the straight, stringy, but straw-like texture. Looks like a Zury MicroYaky #22 to me!


Exhibit B:

Same shit as Exhibit A. Part-M.I.A.!!!!!!
Also, peep the hair closest to Robbie's left ear (our right, geniuses!). That patch doesn't appear to be following the same follicle pattern that the "other" hair is. It also appears to be a different color AND texture. Reason being: THAT is HIS homegrown ish!!! That other shit was born in a hot, poorly lit Chinese factory at the hands of a skilled 4-year old craftsman.

So...to sum up my observation as your resident weave-wearing expert AKA track'ologist, It's my duty to tell you: HE'S LACEFRONTIN'!!!!!!!!!!

**sitting down to compose a letter to Robbie**

Robbie-Rob!
As a fellow track purchaser, I know it's very difficult to admit to the world that the lady lovely locks you're sportin' are not God-given. There's been MANY a'time where I've been stuntin' and frontin' in the club shakin' my tambourine and my Eve Wet and Wavy thinkin' folks think I got that Filipino in my fam-lay, only for somebody to walk up to me and say, "Girl, who does ya weave?" It's NOT a good feeling! TRUST!!! I know it must be DOUBLY bad for someone like you sportin' an X and Y chromosome. But just know: As good as our procured pelts may look, we ain't fooling no gotdamn body...especially with the poor quality of Dena Cali Stringy Yaki you've chosen. D'OH! Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, and Helen Keller walking hand-in-hand down a dark alley could see that that mess ain't yours. And never forget the Black people watching the show. If the world don't give us nothing else, it gives us a bag of MicroYaky, a large bottle of Naty glue, and the eye to recognize tracks.
So in summation...you AIN'T foolin' NOOOOBODY. You woulda been better off rockin a trucker hat, a beanie, or bandanna or combination of all 3 on your shit rather than tryna stunt and front in ya lacefront.
Here...take this. It's Bret Michaels's number. He'll teach you a thing or two about The Great Cover-Up.

With love and compassion,
SavvyFatty

American Idol: The Good, The Bad, and the WUT DEE BLUDCLOT?!!!

Honestly, I don't watch AI. I ain't watched it since Fantasia won and broke her shoe singing "A Moment Like This" or whatever hokey crap they make the winners sing so they're "digestable" to the American public. (Read that as: Middle and Southern WHITE America)

But I peeped these pics online this morning and HAAADDD to share. I mean, what kinda SavvyFatty would I be if I didn't?

Before you read below, please note: I'm AALLLLL for individuality as I'm the girl who wraps scarves, Skateboard P and Kanye West-style, around my non-existent neck so I can look like a bad azzz.
HOWEVER...I need some 'splanations about what's going on hea!


AI Hopeful Danny Noriega

Just me...or does this dude look like what would happen if Sanjaya and Pee Wee Herman busted on a No. 2 pencil?



AI Hopeful Chikezie Eze
(See how all the other pics are huge and clear? But the BLACK MAN's pic is tiny and pixelated. See how they do my pee-po? It's just THE MAN tryna keep us down. It's a C-O-N-SPIRACY! LOL!)

Am I the only one getting the sudden urge to makeout in my uncle's basement? TELL ME this suit doesn't remind you of the itchy fabric of a 70s rumpus room couch, the one where you busted your first ounce of puppy water into your UnderRoos. Something about this suit and its color makes me want to shaaaaagggg. That or eat a whole bag of Cheetos Puffs while blazin' with with Chester Cheetah. YEAH BABY!




AI Hopeful Amanda Overmeyer

What in the Cruella De Vil, Phyllis Diller fuck?




AI Hopeful Ramiele Malubay

Ahhh!!! Finally some hotness! Babygirl is rockin da SHIIIT out of that asymmetrical cut. Don't trip if you peep me on the streets with my Eve MicroYaky #1 cut up and glued in that style. Me likey! Babygirl got some pretty lips, too. (Cain't compete with my babydoll Miley Cyrus...but that's neither here nor there) Don't know if I'm feeling the Chillin' in the Food Court after hitting up the sale at The Icing 'fit, but she's still cute. I'd hit it!

HEP HEP HOORAAAAY!

Bartender at Celeb Nightspot Had Hepatitis A; Served Same Night as Ashton Kutcher's Birthday
Article courtesy of FoxNews

A bartender at a hot New York City celebrity nightspot had hepatitis A, the Health Department confirmed Thursday — and was working the same night Ashton Kutcher held his star-studded birthday party earlier this month.
The New York City Health Department confirmed it notified patrons of Socialista of the exposure on Feb. 7, Feb. 8 and Feb. 11 and urged them to get a hepatitis A vaccination as a precautionary measure.
Kutcher was joined by dozens of celebrities at Socialista on Feb. 7 to celebrate his birthday, MyFoxNY.com reported. While the Health Department could not confirm exactly who was there, TMZ reported that Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Salma Hayek and Bruce Willis were among the guests.
"We are asking these bar patrons to get this vaccination as a precautionary measure," Sharon Balter, a Health Department official, told MyFoxNY. "If people experience symptoms, they should see a doctor, but for most people bed rest and avoiding alcohol are all that is needed to recover. This incident serves as an important reminder to always wash hands thoroughly and regularly to prevent the spread of disease."

Now, see?! Ain't you thankin' ya lucky stars that you were somewhere livin' ya regular life, sittin alone at the computer in ya studio sippin on White Zin mixed with cheap vodka, talkin' to strangers on Myspace or peepin' profiles at OnlineBootyCall or lookin' at the personals section of your local Craigslist with one hand in ya pants, instead of livin the "Good Liiiife" with the celebrities?

No?!
Me either.
I'd leave the bar witha hearty case of Ebola-laced syphilis if it meant I could enjoy a FREE, open bar.

In the world of Whitey...

DAYUM!
We can't have NUTHIN! First black men (WHY'D they have to take Gary Coleman, lawd?!?! I ain't seen quality ASH on knuckles like that in DECADES! WHHHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!! Goodbye CRUEL WORLD!!! **puts butterknife to throat**), then weaves, baby daddy drama, and now cheap ghetto hair dye!!



Ghetto Bitches (Whatchu lookin around for?!!! You know who I'm talkin to! Any of y'all whose names end in -sha, -la, -ka, -ette, -ta, -ique, etc):
TELL ME that Cherry Cola-colored scalp and uneven color deposit aint a dead giveaway to the fact that Brit-Brit was in her kitchen mixing the finest of grape and "red" Kool-Aid packs into a Rubbermaid bowl and slathering it onto those "quality" Great Lengths lady "lovely" locks to get that Shaqueshaiyiah look?


Actually, I ain't even gon' hate. Besides the bootleg dye job, her hair ain't lookin half bad for a much needed change. She got that Michael Jackson layered look going on. HEHE! WHOOO!




THIS is the dude who had Amy gettin' "Urban" at the Grammys. Here's her "Blake who's in-caw-suh-ray-did." If this ain't a fiiiiiine piece of cemetary meat...I don't know what is!
Wipe him down with headstone and a lawnmower!

Oh! And a Kleenex. Cuz with that Rudolph the red nose, he MUST have a cold...riiiiigghhhttt?!?!!!


In bitches I'd like to fuck...SOOOOONNN as they hit 18 (No. R. Kelly!!) news:
Peep the successor to Oprah's throne (cuz I ain't leavin my BILLION DOLLA BABYGIRL ALONE no time soon!)


This lil young rich bitch could get it in front of my pastor!!! I'd lay her lil young WEALTHY ass on a bed of "OUR" thousand dolla bills and go to WORK! She'd get the BEEEEESSSSSTTTT of BOTH WORLDS, alright!!!