Anybody interested in a ninja who likes to dress like he's at his own funeral?
Fancy a kind gentleman who ain't afraid to rock a kanekalon toupe and a basketball shorts-satin Raiders joy-zee?
Prefer a dude who is well aware of his uncanny resemblance to the Rev. Al, which is the exact reason he decided to pixelate the picture of him volunteering at his mother's bingo game Then holla atcha uncle, De'Jeffrey Ernesto Blanchard (cuz what else could it be?) aka "Genuwine" on America's Next Top HIV Distributor, OnlineBootyCall.
*********
So what y'all think: Should I give him the Jheri/S-Curl Hitler Mustache GAAASSSS Face...?!?!!! OR ...Should I give him my yantie size and a couple batches of Real Women dollar$ so he can buy me some tents ling-er-ree at Lane Brizzity?
Been living under a rock? Don't know how Sarah Palin went from little-known Alaskan Governor to John McCain's running mate simply because she has a vajayjay? This clip pretty much sums it up...so learn suh'in!!!!!
Hope everybody made it on the flipside of the weekend safely. Hope in 9 months we won't be havin' no showers for no SF'ers babies... :^p
The VMAs rolled back around this year, with a new host, Russell Brand. (Yeah, don't ask me!) But, TrillVille: I haven't watched a VMAs from start to finish in YEARS. And, I really didn't start last night, either. But I did manage to leave the TV on MTV while I did other ish. And, really, I only tuned in to see if the lovely lady(<<--no, fa real! No HeadShave!) below was gonna slap the taste outta muhfuckas mouths by giving the people a Classic Britney VMA performance after last year's "D'oh!" fest. Although she didn't perform, she still redeemed herself in part.
So...follow me nah and see the VMAs through the LensSavvyFatty.
Britney Schpeerz(<--word to South Park'sShelley Marsh)
Bitch was looking uncrazy good! Face was beat; dress was hot. She might actually regain her early 2-thou'z SavvyFatty BILF status back as I didn't see extension-pod ONE. Can we say: UPGRADE?! Damn, it feels good to see people up on it!...(even though THIS, from her downfall days, isHI-LAIR-E-YUS! People are so cool CRUEL!) But, fa real: What's the deal with her winning all these VMAs?! 'Pity' is NOT just a word that rhymes with 'shitty' (as in her performance from last year). Shit, I didn't even know she had a song out. Guess cuz I didn't know MTV still played videos. **shrugs**
*****
Rihanna
Since I avoid radio like pregnancy and weight loss, I'd never heard "Disturbia" all the way through until tonight. And trilly, I could have used another 340+ months without having what I call the OPPOSITE of the "pleasure." **blech** Guess my inching-towards-30-like-a-Nick-Hogan-driven-Toyota-Supra ears just cain't digest pointless pop like this anymore. I would have done better to watch this performance on MUTE cuz Rih-Rih was LOOKING hot. However, I can always live my life without her daughter-of-Keith-Sweat baaaa'ing. The hair and makeup: Type-FLAWLESS! That's the kinda shit I'd rock if I didn't have to sit in a cubicle slavin' for the gubmit on a 5x/week basis. But...Who knows?! Maybe one day when I stop caring about such trivial things as food, water and shelter you can find me by the copy machine rockin' a punky pomp-shag, floor-length tail type'a thang.
*****
Host Russell Brand
I respect his brevity with the "Elect Obama!" statement. Me loves it, lad! Brave, much?! Just hope Dick Cheney wasn't tuning in with his Suge-Knight-pre-ass-whoopin'-mind on. He mighta holla'd at his Vegas goons to Harry Whittington a muhfucka after the show. Let's hope not. **tunes to Headline News** **Sidenote: Why could I only understand Russ when I WASN'T looking at the screen? 'Tardation is not just a Palin family thang, fam!
*****
NoAssJonas Brothers
Don't really have much to say about these lil' ninjaz except: REP YO' PROMISE RAINGS!!! **Real talk: Maybe if some of us would have rocked ours like these young "rock" stars we wouldn't have the problems we have NOW. Anywhoo...Anybody who's ever been to Sea World San Diego in the 80's and early 90's remember that stage show they had called, "City Streets?" (YES! I'm an ANCIENT HEAD!) Tell me the facade they performed in front of didn't remind you of the City Streets show? 'Member: The one where dudes in plaid shirts, spandex, and tap shoes were supposed to be "hood?" No? Guess that's just the John McCain in me...**tears**
Besides being the size of my pinky finger, Weezy-Weez can do ZERO wrong in my eyes right now. Lyrically and musically, he's NOT to be fucked with! Eff the fact that he was sagging SKINNY JEANS (...pause...) and I saw more of his bootay cheeks than his face (not missing much ANYdayumway) or the fact that he didn't let me hit at Nelly & JD's All-Star Weekend party in Vegas in Feb. '08, I liked the performance. Wish MTV would have had their usual pit of TRILL party people right at the stage giving Wayne the energy he deserved instead of those boring azz, uninspiring industry folks and middle-aged Y Ts, but hey. Whatevz! Leona Lewis did her thang on "Misunderstood!" Run me a LimeWire download of this performance ASAP! She spit straight soul to that mic! LOVED IT!
*****
Ciara & Lindsay Lohan
Ayy, Ci-Ci: Khandi Alexander's NewsRadio wig requested to be placed back in the costume closet at NBC for use by someone OVER the age of 160 in the future. Please.And.Thank.You! And LiLo: Ya betta cover up them goodays. Sammy Ro looks like she packs a MEEEANNN domestic violence backhand, yo.
*****
Pink
LOVED her hair!! Reminds me of the years I negro'hawked and rocked the short 'do. The song and performance was cool. Pink rocked the City Streets facade, too. AND All while remaining the hottest dude I've EVER seen in a rubber bodysuit. EXCELLENT tuck-job, yo! Haha! Trill talk: I love me some Pink. Any bitch who unapologetically says what she feels is on my "Fuck Witchu" list. BIG UPS, 'Lecia!!!
*****
Jordyn Sparks & John Legend
Big Woman. Little Man. Football player's shoulders. Bitch Lips. THE END.
*****
T.I. (ft.Rihanna)
What in the ghey-azz High School Musical, ghetto Rat Pack hail was going on as Tip performed the song that makes me want to crank dat Marlee Matlin?! And of course homebitch could have had whatever she liked...cuz you could have WHATEVER you like for a small fee, too. Bitch looked like she had coupons for $5 suckey-suckies on DIZZECK. That "Live Your Life" performance was fiyah, though. Even with Rih's negr'yodelin'. Plus the biatch got a body that won't QUIT. Let me put the Chipotle down long enough to bless my existing schwag with a flat stomach like 5TonHead and see if I won't rock a Saran-wrap bikini top with my skin-tight jeans on the DAILY. Just cuz I ain't achieve it (so I extra-cheese it!) I ain't gon' "Mo'Nique" a ho' at all. I'mma tip my hat, grab her camel toe and say, "DO YA THANG, beeyatch!"
*****
Christina Aguilera
I had to put the "flute" down and pick my bifocals up. ChrissyAg: Datchu, homay? MTV: Y'all sure the performers didn't get switched up and Blondie ain't come out with some new hot shit on deck for the kiddies? C. Ag was chunky...but funky. Do ya thang, MILFy McMILFerford!
*****
Tokio Hotel
Guess Bjork is on her MiJac "Bad" tour ish, no? Haha! Naw, that ain't the ex-SugarCubes sugah baby. It's just the androgynous frontman of German band, Tokio Hotel, Bill Kaulitz, doing him as the band accepted the "Best New Artist Award." Oh!...but before they go...an 80s Patti LaBelle called...
*****
LL Cool J
E-mutherfucking-NOUGH with the puffy paints and glitter. We get it: You got some ish coming out and are on ya grizzy trying not to Todd Smith the project. GOTCHU! But real rap: That "Baby" shit ain't NUUUHHHFFFIN' but a fork-in-the-garbage-disposal sounding rehash of "Headsprung." Won't front: I do get my head-noderation on to The Dream's part. You can search but you never gon' find/A neck that's missing like miiinnne
*****
Kid Rock (ft. Lil' Wayne)
**Sidenote: I've never had the pleasure of sharing air space with Kid Rock, but for some reason I think if I did he'd smell like snot, rotten cucumbers, and pigs' feet water. Oh! AndHepatitis crumbs... Since that's neither here nor there... I really didn't pay attention to his performance with Lil' Weezyana. But when I did take the opportunity to glance over at the screen, I kept having trailer-park-meets-projects visions and "Say Say Say" moments.(<<--Mac & Jac, anyone?)
*****
Kanye West
**gets my Tyrese on** HAVE I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU LATE-LAY?! HAVE I TOLD YOU YOU'LL NEVER BE "CUNTY" TO ME?!
Ninja.ROCKED.that.shit!!!!!!!! Pure, unadulterated, understatedDOPENESS. 'Ye's vocals were surprisingly GRAVY. The drums: IGNORANT! HOT! This muhfucka consistently blurs the lines of heterosexuality musical genres while STILL reppin' for Hip Hop. I admire AND applaud the way he steps outside the proverbial box to exhibit "'Riginality" at its finest ALWAYS. New rap dudes: TAKE NOTES and aspire to EXCELLENCE. **locks eyes with Kanye, then drops to knee with Jacob box ajar**
All photos snatched from Getty Images and WireImage via MTV
Raise your hand if you ordered a SavvyFatty 2-piece combo with NO soda!!!!!
Dear Nick Jonas, Let me start by informing you that NO weapon formed against me shall prosper; I'm more than a conqueror. **kisses 99-Cent Store Jesus Piece** With that said, PLEASE...for the love of the curly brown pubes atop your dome, tell me you weren't behindthis.
Before I hand you two front row tickets to the SavvyFatty gun show, let me explain where I'm comin' from.
I always tell My Mi that until she turns 18 and it's No R. Kelly that we're together, she can run the streets with her thugs and I'll be waiting for her.
But YOU, ninja. YOU?!?! Unh UNH!!
Like a diet of strictly penises: I ain't havin' it! At least if she was gon' dip like a chip, she coulda did it with a fucka that is NOT capable of stunt-doublin' for the little girl in Paulie. Or Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer.
I mean, shit! I'm fully aware that my short munnay cain't compete with the fact that you and your"Shane" from The L-Word-lookin'bros are over there clockin' million$ like the Jolie-Pitts adoptin' (and birthin') chil'drun. I know I ain't nuhchin' but a lowly gubmit employee in a dirty Ac (-CORD that is) and you got lame-ridden teens and tweens spittin' that kitty water into their Doras.
So since you got the world at your powdery fingertips and I ain't shit but a BWP, I kindly ask that you refrain from effin' up my happy home.
Woman to Munchkin: Have you EVER been in love? Woman to Munchkin? Ain't this the same shit YOU woulda done?!
Lindsay Lohan's lil sis, Oscar Meyer WeinerSnap Into A Slim Jim, Ali, has a new single, "All The Way Around" which she says, "shows off her hip hop side."
**places machine gun to temple; tickles the trigger**
I heard this bullfuckery while watching E's reiteration of the shit they JUST showed less than 30 minutes earlier on E! News, The Daily 10.
Ummmm...**mad perplexed and vexed** If this shit right here is hip hop, then me and Amy Winehouse share a pair of jeans and Ashanti is more than capable of getting onstage and blowing Superhead Patti LaBelle-style. I ain't heard something less hip hop since I spent two and a half hours with my DVR and remote control watching 106 & Park trying to learn the Soulja Boy.
Ooops. Did I say that? [/Steve Urkel] Haha! J/k. No Ice T.
But I realized that, as I punished my ear drums to the highest level of punishtivity while watching this vid, instead of leaning back and/or shaking my salt shaker like most hip hop beats make me do, I actually stood up and busted a simultaneous Twist/ Achy Breaky Heart combination. And Ali's right: I never felt closer to Rakim & Eric B than I did right then. [/sarcasm]
HIP
HOP MUSIC:Here's what they think about you!
Bet those KFC, Taco Bell commercials, and Brooke Hogan collabos don't seem so worth the money earnin' like Mount Vernon anymore, huh?
For those of you NOT on the upper level playground at Harbor View Elementary back in '89/'90, let me lace ya tennies with this historical tidbit: Danny Wood was THE worst NKOTB member to have a crush and/orBOP poster of.
Get caught with his horse face in your Trapper Keeper and GUARANTEE playground alienation for a good day or two.
I need someone with a time machine and/or a memory of those years other than making your peesh beat up a 10-speed seat and cross bar to tell me what dee HAIL was going on in these pics? Apparently Hal-lizzle didn't get our Spottie Dottie memo.
According to WhosDatedWho, Halle got her boy band Mr. Ed (and Sharon Stone, dawg?!) on back in the day. Bet Danny broke it off cuz she H-Beezy wasn't "Hangin' Tough" like she used to.
She's taken me... What y'all know about that Myron circa 1998?!
Ok. Experience the severe case of sleep and nutritional deprivation like I am right now...then twist ya lips to say we ain't staring down a 2024 version of them chil'lun of Destiny.
Yeah. Ok. Peep singer Taylor Dane holding a mirror to Bey-Bey's future as she performs during the 9th Annual amfAR Honoring With Pride Celebration in the NYC, with RuPCampbell getting hisherit's Kellay on. And yes, that IS 1994 ringing the phone off the HOOK, but **air quotes** Adina Howard done threw off her T-shirt and pannays and snatched up Paw-Paw's good family reunion straw to get dat much-needed guap.
Ahhh! **scans office, then slowly slips nipple out** My loyal SF'ers: You know'z I luhvz me some Pretty Boy Floyd like fat kids love to eat a whole box of Little Debbie's Nutty Bars to themselves. However...today, there's NUH'CHIN like the sight of fresh charbrizzity on this Monday morning!
Akon, looking grill-FRESH! in all-black, walking the red carpet at Nelly's All Star Studded Weekend held at the Red Rock Resort & Casino in Sin City, knows justwhat to do to make my yannays sing a sooooonnnnng. [/Earth, Wind & Fire] Mmm!Exxon Valdez goodness!
Here's "Soot-Sexxxay" again, with Nelly and JD on the red carpet, standing in the exact order I'd bang 'em in:
1) Akon: Mmmm! Turn my sheets from satin'y smooth to the ground at Jiffy-Lube!;
2) Nelly, just **whispers**as long as he brought somebody ELSE's dick game. We all read that article in Ozone about him packin' a Vienna sausage like a Pre-K lunchbox, no?;
And in 4,617,332nd place, just edged out by the ghost of Flip Wilson dressed as "Geraldine," comes Damita Jo's own personal growth-stunted Stuart Little, JD. While he's out on the town doing grown man hood rat stuff,I know there's a 7 year old somewhere frantically searching for and missing a set of play clothes. **setting up microscope to get on his level, ho** It ain't right, 'Maine! You up there stuntin' and frontin' while kids got tag to play.
What question do you think was asked of Ashanti as she signed copies of her new venture into obscurity CD, The Declaration, at the Virgin Megastore in NY?
If I had to weigh in, I'd guess: How many Black Holiday Barbies had to sacrifice their luxurious manes for you to bebangin'in Little Rock?
Let me start this lil' post off by saing: Y'all know I'm AAAALLLLL about individuality.
Especially when it comes to the crop. For those that know me personally, you know I mohawked it for a couple years. But now since I'm all gubmit-employeed up, I gotta weave it till I can achieve it. PLEASE believe it!
With that being said, I STILL demand to know why Fannie Mae thought it was both cute and appropriate to come out the house with her Tampax game proppa'.
WHO is her stylist and WHY is this person still living, Lord?
I could live with the skunk patch...and thank Heavens we ALL made it through this...but this shit right here, ninja. **shaking head** AND I knoooowwwwww my boy Ronnie Mac is somewhereNOT lovin' it!
Which "royal" pop singer put her head down and pussy-popped on a handstand for the Today show audience this morning?
If you guessed Miss PeePee Pants herself, Fergie, give yourself a gold star AND a bag of Ultra-Absorbent Depends.
UK songstress Estelle forgot that she was in public as she attended the opening ceremony for the 23rd Annual AIDS Walk in NY lookin’ like your cousin Poobie’s second babymama going to the “nell” shop on Saturday morning.
Famed YouTube asswhoopa, Kimbo Slice, had his midnight alleyway rape swag on PIZZOINT at CBS’s Elite XC Saturday Night Fights.
Peep who got the evening off from Dress Barn long enough to make a public appearance! Former AI'er Melinda Doolittlein her octagenarian pastor's wife's First Sunday best attends the 2nd Annual Millennium Promise and Malaria No More Benefit in New York City.
When viewing this still from the movie Speed Racer, you're probably about to blow a gasket, thinking, "WOW! COOL!" As for me...well, I'm sittin' over here thinkin' more like...
**leaving T-Pain a voicemail** You better hope the devil don't still have the receipt for your soul. Cuz iffin' he does and decides to return it...here's what your future holds...
First thoughts when seeing this pic?! Anyone? ANYone?!
The first thought, besides frantically searching for a pen while shouting, "RUN ME HIS DIGITS ASAP! ASAP!!!" (I mean, DUH! Can we say "Obvious!!!!")was: "When Akon and Young Jeezy find time out of their busy hip hop-ruining schedules to make this lil' one?"
Now...meet me at the crossroads so you won't be lonely.
Lloyd Banks, 1/3 of the uber-talented!, CD sales sensation!! that is G-Unit (ninja, please!) , thinks former group member The Game should awwwf himself. In an interview with SOHH, Banks commented on remarks made by The Game regarding his thoughts about committing suicide in the current issue of XXL.
"I heard he's going to terminate himself so good luck on that," Banks told SOHH. "I predicted that too. So, next time you in the dark and you think about blowing your noodles all over your nice little paint, just do it like Nike."
Damn.
Tell us how you reeeaalllly feel, Plymouth Barracuda mouf and Dirt Devil nostrils. That's colder than a polar bear's toenail. But since this is probably the only way you'll get any kind of shine since your albums consistently sell double-corduroy, I ain't knockin' your relevancy hustle. DO YOU!
Why is Kelz, a bona fide superstar, trying to look like what's sittin' atop the award you get at Bronner Bros.?
The only logical answer for this fuck shit is that him and Sisqo are planning to hold a televised Metallic-Off, to see who can out-metallicize who. The winner gets a lifetime supply of leather Skittles-colored pants with matching fingerless gloves. Other than that...**shifts Life switch to 'OFF'**
So I guess ya boy Algernod wasn't doing a sufficient job of niggerin' up the industry by constantly showing the world his shit stain collectors...so the Player Haitian himself threw his bald spot in the ring to step up the coon game. I'd expect this kind of tomfuckery from a 20-something. But once you've entered the second millenium of your life...it's time to faaalllll back and let the youngins' have the ig'nit shit. Whyyyyyy, 'Clef?!
Musical DouchebagRapperSingerArtist Fergie recently celebrated her 33rd bday with a Vegas shindig where her King Tut A-alike game was diesel. Peep ya granny's pair of saggy Silk Reflections she uses for a neck. **licks lips then vomits**Ooooohhh!! FERGIELICIOUS!
It's Rick Ross. He says he don't want you smurfin' up his swag.
Jermaine Dupri addressed students in NYU's Recorded Music program in a session entitled, "How to Get a Record Deal" while making sure his son of Musiq Soulchild and this little dick taker game was strizzong.
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