Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby Batter


Irv Gotti’s head looks like his neck baked a cake, yo.

Lift up the back of his shirt and there'd be a cassette player under a furry flap and shit.


**brings composure back to the bottom of the map**


My bad, fam. Don’t mind me and my shit talk about my fellow chubster...ESPECIALLY if you've seen me lately. For those that have, you're already in the knizzow about how my neck is losing inches by the Chipotle.


But…Have I told you that I can’t fucking stand him…latelay?


As I sit here and catch “Gotti’s Way” via DVR, my blood goes from Top Ramen to NUCLEAR as I listen to this dumb fuck talk his daughter, Angie, out of pursuing a college education since his ass didn’t and was blessed enough to make millions.

But: What part of the LAME is THAT?

ANY retard with a v-card knows that KNOWLEDGE is power. Yeah, money is gravy like mashed potaters, but who's to say lightning would strike Angie's path the way it did when Murder, Inc. reigned supreme? (Pun Intended)


And EVERY Irv Gotti should know that money ain’t THAT easy to come by ANYmore.(“Body,” anyone?)


For those of you smacking ya lips: Don't think I'm hating on Baked Biscuits Head. I do respect Gotti as a businessman, envy his go-getter spirit and, well: Who can forget how he introduced the world to a talented, young songstress by the name of NOFUCKINGBODY?


But as a husband and a father, I want to take him by his Play-Doh titties and chuck his Pillsbury Doughyness to a place where no one EVER checks for a Murder Inc. project AGAIN.

A little place I like to call: EVERYWHERE.


Deb, his hoping-against-hope azz wife, is better than ME, yo.

Ain't NO way in a world where ninjas like Idris Elba and Mickael Pietrus (<--gotcha!) sexily saunter would I allow this Hip Hop Teddy Ruxpin to openly and CONTINUOUSLY disrespect me or give my child bad advice for ONE moment.

Ok, well, maybe ONE moment; at least long enough for us to clock them reality show checks and enough evidence to show the lawyers and judge just what type of cheating azz chubby fucker this yellow ninja really is. But after that lil’ game is played, I’m in the WIIINNND with my JoJo Simmons’esque daughter and impressionable sons to enjoy MY life spending HIS coinage. Cha-Chaing!


But I digress. And please forgive me for going in on this human hush puppy (and no, NOT the shoes, playboys and girls) because he ain't the reason for the season.


I TRILLY came through to take you down Memory Lane with me for a second.

So close your eyes for a moment (figuratively and shit, since you gotta read this, remember? But shouts! to those who DID. Eeenyusjays.) while I take you on this spunky expedition...


Picture a club, circa 2002; packed wall-to-wall with sweaty weaves and hungry onlooking azz ninjas dying to run their fingers through ‘em.


Envision ya girl rightchea getting my proper party ON as the DJ spins one of my FAVORITE songs, B.I.G.'s “One More Chance.” All of a sudden I feel someone behind me. I turn around to see a spaghetti noodle of a man toothily grinning. And if my memory serves me correctly, he had on an Avirex button-up. Or a drugstore rayon. Shit-I can’t call it. But for argument's sake picture some shit that would have sweat and must at its front door like, “Come.Out.And.PLAAA-AAYYY!”


So we groove a lil’ bit and he asks me if I want a drink. “HAIL YEAH!” my mind blurted since that type-shit is RARE in these Daygo streets. You’ll get caught butt nekkid with a blunt between your ass cheeks in your cubicle faster than you’ll get a male-sponsored drink ‘round these parts.

Arm-in-arm we head to the bar and he tells me to get what I want. Back then, I was GHETTO and had NO type of ladylike decorum...case in point: “Double shot of Henny,” I eagerly tell the bartender before dude changes his mind and saves his dough for the taco shop run immediately after. Directly after the order crossed my lips, I see his eyes widen and bottom lip drop like groupie drawls.

“Awww, shit. You’z a G!” he exclaims, dumbfounded that I’m drinking like the big boys do. I just bat my eyelashes and smile sweetly with that “Jeah, that’s how I roll. AND WHAT?!” look on my face.

Before the bartender hands us our drinks, the DJ drops THIS shit right here, n-word:

Let me let you know: You ain’t never SEEN a big bitch groove like I grooved at that moment. Hand in the a-yer. Draink to my lip. Ass a’sway. All around loving LIFE cuz like Lost Boyz said: MUSIC MAKES ME HIGH.

Spaghetti Rayon promptly took his place on my no-booty and got to grinding like bad brakes. We were still by the bar waiting for our liquid libido. Soon as the bartender pushed ‘em our way, we grab ‘em and continue our party of 2; STILL grooving and shit. I throw mine back like a floor-length weave (cuz my mama taught me that) while never missing a chance to rub up against “him downstairs.”

Just as I heard, “Baby, I don’t know why you wanna do me wrong (Do Me Wrooonnng)” I feel a violent azz shudder behind me. I turn around to make sure Rayon Ricky ain't had a seizure from the amount of azz-negative I'm throwing his way. At that moment I see Avirex Slim with the “OH!” face. Yes, ladies and pimpin' men: That “OH!” face. The one I hand out like prescriptions and subscriptions when I’m on a mission.


I stared a mudhole THROUGH his face and for some reason, his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. He clutched his drink for dear life and BRISKLY limped away without any utterance.


I took a moment to process. I mean, I HAD just imbibed that Henn-Doggy Dogg. My mind most CERTAINLY could have been playing tricks on me.

I thought that maybe his girl had just walked in with the Domestic Violence face on.

But, then something told me to just do a “check” on my jeans. Maybe he'd spilled his drink on me and was afraid of my reaction.

I swung my hand around to my nil-booty to find a newborn batch of baby batter.





SWEA’ FO’ GAWD.

13 comments:

ChiChi said...

EWWWWWWWWWWWW to the 10th Power! Hell and NAW on that ass. He's probably lucked he ran his ass off somewhere. That is ridic for you to bustin nuts on random wimmenz no-bootys (<---member of the club, unfortunately).

ChiChi said...

Oh, I forgot...

IRV GOTTI IS A STUPID FAT BITCH for seriously telling his daughter not to go to school...or even insinuating she shouldn't go.

Jesus be some since for his po wifey. Must we watch her play like she's so bout it bout it RE letting his ass go when she is CLEARLY not. *Sigh*

suga said...

Oh hell naw! I was all ready to talk bad about Gotti and this dude couldnt keep his kids in his testes at the club?!?!
We'd be fightin in the club lol Ugh!

if you have to ask... said...

can i just say i love Suga for sending me here to read you...i laughed, i cried, i lamented for his shirt and your pants...
i'm so not up on any of the 'family' reality shows...i couldn't give a damn about who's house even if it is runs house, or bobby pulling a crack pipe out of whitneys booty for her, or the elder kardashian selling the youngers porn tapes, or whoever the hell else has a show now...doesn't flavor flave still convince girls to kiss him so they can be on tv???
madness...
BUT!
i'll have to watch this gotti wackness just so i can think back on your words and giggle.
*subscribing*

ESS AY VEE OH EL OH YOO ESS! said...

Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only 1 with gestating jeans, ChiSquared.
And those were my FAVORITE jeans back then, too, man.
**pours out a lil' Morning After Pill**

And N.Smile aka "Suga": Would YOU be able to take a minute to think about le fisticuffs OR would you be more concerned with rushing your knickers to the neareast abortion clinic?

Assertive Wit said...

according to my friend who loves Gotti's show, that fool is ALWAYS saying something inappropriate to his children...clown

as for your club situation...eww. LOL after a double shot of hennessey though, he'd definitely have heard my mouth in the club tho

chris.alexander said...

i just died. and i love it. heeeelarious.

Neicy said...

Yes indeed, lol.
Here via Nakia, and I have but one question: What type of pant was baby boy wearing for him to jizz in his pants...and your pants?

:?

ESS AY VEE OH EL OH YOO ESS! said...

Glad you’re here, “If.”
(Your name makes me want to sing a lil’ Patti LaBelle diddy. But I won’t go there; not enough time. However…If.You.Asked.Me.To…{Damn! Didn’t I JUST say…?})

Please believe me when I tell you I don’t know WHY I tune in to these “reality” shows. Shit is SO fake even synthetic wigs are like, “Naw, I’m not fucking with that fugaziness.” I’ll blame it on my natural nosiness and the need to feel like somebody, somewhere is worse off than me. **shrugs**

And thanks for the subscription! **drops 1 thug tear**

ASSWIT: Please see my response to N.Smizzile above. I wasn’t going to Bristol Palin my Lane Bryants. Won’t be NO baby daddies ‘round these parts. I had to do what I had to DO.

Thanks for stopping through, Chris. You’re family now, you know that right? Now…be a good relative and run to the store and grab me some Swishers…I mean syrup. (no drugo)

Hey, Neicey! Welcome to my Whirl!
Honestly, that was so long ago that I can’t remember what kind of semen transferring trousers dude was wearing. In my mind’s eye I’m seeing something with a pleat in it.
Could have been Dockers. Could have been suit bottoms.
Lawd knows. We’ll have to consult a time machine and a DNA test to get conclusive results.
If only these cheeks could talk...

NaturallyAlise said...

Thanks so much Savvy for bringing up my childhood fear i had repressed of Teddy Ruxpin... thanks so much... creepy ass bear



*my word verification: HYPHY , craziness*

ChiChi said...

Naw, homie. Not that club....LOL Just the nassatall club. *Le Sigh*

The Pretty Brown Girl said...

double-you
tee
eff!!!

I can't even form a cohesive thought. My Disgust-O-Meter just jumped so high so fast it busted!!!

Between DumbDaddy Irv Gotti & Prince Preemie, I am completely undone.

Bury me a diva.

HauteHairGurl said...

I came in here with all intent of commenting on the Neo Teddy Ruxpin (don't he look like he's well on his way to smothering himself in his sleep?) but that story of Sir Noodle killed all attempts at doing so. I have no words, is that what we're doing now?! He better be glad he ran 'cuz that was license for a chop to the throat and a project beat down! I just don't even know what to say but I did die slowly laughing!