Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday Fun Day



Ahh...**relaxing, relating, releasing** Now that that's out of the way...GOOD MORNING!

Don't know why, but I'm been feeling kinda funky lately. I kicked the weekend off with a beige lace mockneck, purple zebra scarf, lazy fit jeans and black patent block heels. I was a hot biatch!

Then on Saturday I rocked a white wifebeat, black pinstriped vest, and black wool mod cap with the short brim. Fly much?!?!?
Bitch...I MIGHT BE! :^p

So since today is Sunday's red-headed stepchild and the 1 kid that Sunday wish it would have swallowed I didn't hardly want the partay to be over. So I stayed in "FunkyTown" with the following ensemb:
Black Oversized Slouch Knit Shirt
Purple Solid Tank
Pointed Toe Zebra-Print Flats
Grey, White, Black-Checked Scarf
Black Anchor Earrings
Oversized Plastic Bangle
Square Leather Bag
Square-Framed Shades

You like?!

What are yoooouuuuuu wearing this glorious Monday morn'?!


Would this hot piece of cocoa get you curious?

If so, hit him up on OBC. DLICKTAIL's his name and from the looks of it licking babboon tails and 1970's porn'staches is his game.
**coats shirt with bile**

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


So Twitter has officially showed me that the TWass IS TWeener on the TWother TWide by luring me away from my OG @work distraction, Myspace.

I'm sorry, 'Spacer. We had a good 2-3 year run. Really. But...
  • Fuck your 'An Error Has Occurred...' bullshit that usually comes RIGHT as I'm trying to schedule a booty call send my cousin a message.
  • Fuck your 'He-Loves-Me-He-Fucks-My-Girl-I-Still-Love-Him-We-Gon'-Ride-Together-Soon-As-He-Comes-From-My-Girl's-Pad' status messages.
  • Fuck your posting-the-same-shitty-ass-thing-56-times-in-a-yillasecond bulletins.
I've moved on.
**blows kisses at Twitter**
  • I'm all about a muhfucka thinking I'm cool enough to be followed.
  • '@' to me; I'll '@' back.
  • If I'm unreachable like dummays are unteachable, DM me. I get the alerts and messages sent right to the Centro. I'll 'd _____ hi' you RIGHT back.

So, needless to say, by working Twitter like a part-time job **looks over at Myspace, mouths "It's me; not you."** I've come to "know" a lot of my followers. Seems like everybody got a job and at LEAST 53 side gigs and hustles. **eyes NickyStew for always knowing a way to GET DAT GUAP**
Matter of fact, I'm giving him that award right now: Most Likely To GET DAT GUAP!

And in honor of my TWeeps, I'll be handing out a few awards today. Not EVERYone will get an award...TODAY. But I'll be handing them out sporadically so check my Tweets to see if and when it's YOUR day to get a gift certificate to the 9 cents store.
(No. That's it.)

...And the TWInners are:

AnthonyTaurus: Most Likely to Eat a Bitch's Pussy AND Roll a Blunt at the Church Picnic.

Aura & Monee: Most Likely to Tweet From a Party, Right Outside a Door Where Diddy, John Legend, and Tyson are inside "networking."

BlogXilla: Most Likely to Owe Us Royalties for Assisting Him With His Blog Posts

DirtyWhoreleb: Most Likely to Assist ME in Arranging a TWorgy Tour
KarrineSteffans: Most Likely to Cause the 'Fail Whale' Once You've Logged In Because Your "Folks" Will NO DOUBT Flock to Twitter Like Taco Bell'ians Flock To a Shitter.

Marleaux: Most Likely to Make You and Your Budget Feel Bad for Crumbling Wheat Thins Into Your Cup O'Noodles Cuz She's TWIT'PIC'n Nuthin' But Lobster & Skrimpz.

RMichaelThomas: MOST Reliable :-/

TreoBenny: Most Likely to TWolla at Ya Mama THE MOMENT She Sets Up Her account.
That's all for now.
Who SHOULD be next?!?!?!
Who WILL be next?!?!?!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

No One In November

"S.L.U. (Swagger Like Us)"
T.I. feat. Kanye, Jay-z, Lil' Wayne, Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Chris, Mark, Red, Dave and Ro **exasperated sigh**
Shit'z Hot in the streets right now, riiiigghhtt?!?!

But you know ya girl, MC S A V SKI, got suh'in HOTTER!
And since the OG version of "S.L.U." is getting played like craps in the ghetto, peep the SavvyFatty FreakMixxx of Jigga-Man's verse. (1:27-2:10 mark)

Follow me nah!

Can we vote like this?

Can't elect GOP cuz my knots ain't thick

No one on my corner got a pock' full of crisps

Barack: Bring the HOPE and the CHANGE on QUICK!

You can pay your respects just by clickin' on REG



Honor our dead for the roads where they bled

Where they faced a gun barrel just for tryna move 'head

Gotta make you want it THIS bad

Lead a horse to water; cain't pour him a glass

'Vote Obama!' tees are a fad

Rather see 'I VOTED' stickers like we see fitted caps

It's OHHHHHHVER! Quit makin' organ donors of US soldiers

OHHHHHVER! May you never have any doubt of the POWER of a VOTER!
(Let's make THIS happen on Tuesday, November 4th!)

And since no other party have "schwagga" like us: REGISTER NOW!

Don't Just Stand There: LET'S GET TO IT!

There's nothing to it!


It's time to get proactive, folks.

With the politically strategic and downright DIRTY introduction of Sarah Palin onto the GOP's ticket, this election season has gotten too close for comfort TOO QUICK.

As regular working-class people, those of us with loved ones in the military, parents with children in public schools, the impoverished relying on government programs, anyone paying taxes, women who want to keep their right to choose:
We cannot afford to lose another election!

Especially to a fossil with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel which would leave an inexperienced, uber-conservative Palin to act as the figurehead for what will more than likely become Bush's third term.
We're fighting a losing war. Our economy has gone to hell. Gas prices have gone through the roof. And what's their solution?
NO...really: What's their solution?

No, I'm not saying Obama holds the magic wand that will make everything all better the day after he's inaugurated.
But it IS time to send a message, LOUD and CLEAR, to the incumbent's party. Let's
mobilize, unite, and show the Republicans that we've seen what they can do with our country and we're done with it! It's time for a changing of the guard.

Seize the opportunity to do something "strange" for some CHANGE! :^p

Obama Blue Days

WHEN: Tuesday, September 30th


(If you can't register two voters, talk to 2 people who may be on the
fence OR a McCain supporter and encourage them become an Obama Supporter.)

Easy, right?

Don't think you have to do it ONLY on 9/30.
Feel free to talk to people, even a stranger, and register, Register, REGISTER everyday up until the registration deadline in each state!

Share this post with ANY and EVERYone you know who can and WILL move their feet for CHANGE!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Making The Band

As I watched indie-rock band A Cursive Memory go "glam" **vomits** courtesy of a bunch of fashion-styling hopefuls on an ep of VH-1's "Glam God" (hosted by Vivica A. Fox...for what now?) I had an epiphany, of sorts.

I want to start a band.

No, I DON'T want to play in it. (Only thing I know how to play is Uno. So Vegas: Ya hear that?! Uno table at the Bellagio ASAP!) I just want to be the svengali behind auditioning members. And when I do, I'm not looking for young, artsy 'bags in skinny jeans and baby tees rockin' hundred dollar haircuts cuz- BLECH!-that's soooooo right now.

And I'm a biatch about the future.

I want a dude like this.

Name: Roy. Age 34.
Studio-apartment-over-the-local-alternative-comic-book-store pimpin'.
Favorite food: Whip Cream in a can.
Girlfriend: Palmella.
Fashion sense: Uncaught Predator Chic.

And I shared this vision with my "TWinja" Niggga (<<-Yup!) over a cup of Gmail chat**.
I told him Roy would be the frontman.
I picture Roy rockin' arenas playing an unbelievably, hot shit!, version of Busta's "Ass On Fire" with his finger symbols. Shit so fantastically futuristic and fly that all the Wal-Mart self-checkout ladies would be self-checking HIM out...or something like that.

Niggga liked the idea so much, he added this dude on drums.

With a line up like this, I think I'm about to be reeyatch, beeyatch.

So, in the not so distant future: Look for "regular" to be a household name. Spending big-faced Lincolns at the thrift store or your local big-box retailer will officially replace spending ya mama's rent money order trying to be Pharrell Wayne, Lil' West or Kanye Williams.
Candy-Colored Shirts? Retro Kicks? Fitted Hats? Ray-Ban Wayfarers?---Pssshhh! PLEASE!!!
Why do all that when Wrangler jean shorts and Ozark Trail sandals are on sale all day, err'day?

**All this, from a VH-1 show (The HORROR!) and me and Niggga trying to figure out the name of the other dude, besides Arab, riding Soulja Boy's nut sizzacks straight to inevitable obscurity.


It's not just a House; it's a way of life.

America's GOT to be Fucking Kidding Me

Fa REAL, United States?!

Don't blame me! **embarrassed, dayum near 30-year old face** Blame the oil companies and the fact that I'd rather be watchin' YouTube than to be in the skreets burnin' through crude.

But I guess The ZOOPERSTARS (**LOL!...then stops self**) weren't ALL bad. I came down with a quick case of smile crackeration at these points:

  • Inflatable "50" making WASTE of his G-ZOOnit shirt at the 1:54 mark.
  • The flawless display of BEAV-poppin' on a handstand at the 2:35
  • The showstopping, man-eating courtesy of "SNAIL Earnhardt, Jr" **slaps knee** at the 2:51.
But...I got more important shit to do. **Tunes into X-Tube...then tunes right out as I just cain't get enough**
I ain't gon' front: The Zooperstars website is DOPE! as you can vote for the next creature to join the Zoo. The character names alone...maaannn!! Look at this shit and tell me YOU didn't contract H.I.-Hehehe?!?!?!!!

Alas, The Zooperstars were voted off of Thursday's 'America's Got Talent.' And that's good news for a biatch like me who's NEVER watched this show and now is cancelling future recordings on the DVR never will.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: SN-naiLed It

Been living under a rock? Don't know how Sarah Palin went from little-known Alaskan Governor to John McCain's running mate simply because she has a vajayjay?
This clip pretty much sums it learn suh'in!!!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008


Shitted yourself from the mere thought yet?

For more pieces of life from a Nat perspective, check my girl's spot:

"Pssh! Beeyatch, WHY?"
you ask? (Bad attitude-having 'fucka, you! **slaps your hand off your hips**)

Cuz she's like a highly intelligent, politically-savvy, 90s music-loving, Hip Hop Historian, Puerto-Rican BRICKHOUSE version of myself.
Oh...and her site ain't half-bad, either. :^p

Much love, Nat! Glad to see you in the Blogspot 'hood.
(Cuz them LiveJournal folks was "hay'in.")

Friday, September 12, 2008

Cuz It's Saturday's Little Brother

**WARNING: There's no rhyme nor reason for this post. Now that you know that...enjoy!

T-Pain is Musical Hogmaws.

Tastes good in all kindsa shit, including birthday cake... but it'll kill ya. "M. Hog" sold his extra-onyx orifices to that ninja, The'Dev'il. But now that ninj is clockin' mo' dollaz than William H. got "Hollas!"
That's all.
**Sidenote on the Video:
  • WHAT kinda sick mind thinks of this type'a shit?
  • Is the stage a fucking 3-ring BINDER, yo?!
  • WHY does the 'Pain figure look like Isaac Hayes's (Respect.) "Chef" character from South Park in Colonel Sanders 'fit, homey?


Speaking of musical artists: Soulja Boi is Musical Top Ramen.
When you're reeaalllll hungry, securely sitting at "Will Eat The Asshole Out Of An Al Reynolds"-level, (<<<--he's the one w/o the nutsack) you can get a lot of it for cheap, but you really shouldn't be digesting it because it's A MILLI percent bad for yoooouuuuuu!!!!


Funniest thing I heard all week
, courtesy of one of my Twitter/BlogTalkRadio homies:

**picture me Pearl-Gate'in'**
Was that you, Odara?!


"It's So Cooolllld In The PC"
By faaaarrr, I think THIS is the most HIGH-lair-e-yus "It's So Cold" remix out there!
Be sure to strap your Pull-Up on prior to pressing play. (<<<---alliteration, much?)
Hear the PC get his frustrations out about the hood rat stuff popping off between RAM and ROM.


Imagine a high-heeled Croc.
Tayo, did you spit that one?


"Somebodies," (BET)
While flipping through the channels last night I caught a quick couple minutes of this kitchen ass version of a Church's Chicken 2-piece with a crispy honey biscuit of a show.
And, in those mere 120 seconds, I could already tell that this show's craft service table had halfed-hot links chillaxin' in the middle of a veggie plate. Complete! with jellay jars full of buttermilk and Ranch dressing.
Don't know why, but I pictured some kind of Debbie Allen/Sounds of Blackness collabo music coming on and playing reeaaall musical-inspirational, church retreat-type ish, too.
I guess the students at the local college were the only one's who'd take money orders and chicken dinners as payment, no?!

What do any of Y'ALL think about any of THIS?!

Que, Sarah? SARAH?!

If given a rifle and a chance to flee the country, lamping, living next door to FamiliaBin Laden family the chance what would YOU ask Sarah Palin?

As for moi, I'd get in that red, white, and bluekini'd arse like:

Exactly how many negative kadrilliseconds in advance did you know that you were being considered for the Veep spot on the Repubs' ticket before you accepted the position as Hilly C's Right Wing doppelganger?

Would your stance on birth control change if you'd known your own daughter favored Magic Stick as/or about as much as Larry "Wide Stance" Craig?

How were your years on "Saturday Night Live?"

Is there ANYthing colder than an eskimo's pussy?

Have you seen T-Baby's "It's So Cold In The D?"
If so, could you make out her features? And which programs would your Administration start to ensure that she got enough braid hair and didn't have to fill her shit in with goldenrod pipe cleaners?

Who would win in a fight: You or a Klondike Bar?

ABC newsman Charles Gibson gets just that chance while conducting the first media interview with the GOP's Vice Presidential hopeful since she accepted her role as McCain's Depends Dampness Detector spot on the losing or winning-by-cheateration ticket.
Be sure to tune in tonight, ABC! 10PM! to see her answer questions that we all know she's rehearsed the answers to just shy of the number of ninjas who've beat Bristol's budussy (OnTheRecord: 'Tis some bullshit...cuz we all know young, ninjas don't wanna be daddies!) "America's" dying to hear the answers to.

Barack The COKE

Jones Cola, the cool ass company behind those fun-flavored holiday packs that I keep promising myself I'm gonna buy next year when my financial sitcheeayshun improves, even though 365 days later I find myself just as brizzoke as I was the previous year which is why I left the aisle with nothing but a $0.99, 3-liter bottle of Zazz! Shasta in the first dayum place, has released a line of Campaign Colas sporting the faces of this year's top candidates...oh, and Ron Paul, too. You can "buy your candidate's way to victory" by purchasing a $14.99 6- or $23.99 12-pack of that candidate's bottle.

**lip smacked-laced eye-roll**

B-Rack, you know I luhh you like crackheads enjoy exchanging BJs and/or cheeseburgers for rocks. However, $15 or $24 is a bit steep for BudgetSavvyFatty.

Now, if Tampico, the poor- and Diabetes-wanting-man's version of Sunny D, released a special edition jug for $1.09, you know I'd make it RIZZAAAAIINNN on a juice aisle by getting, not 1, but 2 commemorative bottles. (Cuz stuntin' IZZZ a habit)

One I'd sit on my fridge to show my future Chil'rinSavvyFatty.
The other would NO DOUBT become a key ingredient in a ghetto draink me and my bitchezzz like to make and give hip hop hoodrat names like, "I Come Through In Sum'in Real FOOLISH and They Like "GIRL ,YOU A FOOOL!" (<--no, fa real!)
Hell, I'd even step out and take it A Milli steps further by honoring the MaryJane Midnight of our fave candidate's pout by "garnishing" my glass's rim with a lil' crumbled 'dro...cuz that's how I roll. ;^)

So, if you make more than a busted Tone-Loc tape per hour and got bread to burn and/or ya vain azz wants to see your ugly mug on a bottle, follow me nah!

Although, it doesn't take a graduate of your local Head Start to guess who's winning this election...**tosses up a diamond**

Award Tour

One of my TWeal TWITches from the mini-blogging crack that is Twitter, CandyRayne has bestowed an "Honest Blogger Award" upon the kid.
First and foremost: I'd like to thank my mama for giving me black eyes raising me right and the Lord for knowing my heart and loving my crazy behind regardless.
Thanks to the TRILLEST area of San Diego, SOUTHEAST!!!!
S-O-U-T-H-E-A-S-T S-D: Do you know what that means?

There's rules to you passing the award on to other muhfuckas and shit, but if you couldn't tell by the sheer poke-out of my belly: I'm greedy and don't like to share.
So learn mo' shit about me...and LOVE IT, DAMMIT!!!

10 Things About Me:

1~ Sometimes I let my text message ringtone play because I TRILLY like the song. Pimp C's verse from Gucci Mane's "I Know Why" (1:40-2:33) is my ghetto gospel in a nutshell.

2~ I love my hometown: San Diego, CALI, baybeh!! But I don't think there's anything here for me anymore...and it's been that way for at least my whole adult life.
But, like a man with good dick who's openly fucking me over, but like I said, "His dick is GOOOOOODDD!" I just cain't leave it alone.

3~ I've had the same job for the past 3 years, but have had 8 different bosses. Almost all I've had to train to make at least $30K/year more than me. But I'm not bitter.
**Googles "How to Effectively Go 'Postal'"**
(And I just like that pic. It has nothing to do with Life.)

4~I let Headline News play when I go to bed cuz I think the info will still get in to my brain and I'll know what's going on, even in my subconscious.

5~ I really like candy. NO! I mean REALLY. It's the best thing invented...except when you're trying to find cute clothes in jumbo sizes. Shit just doesn't happen most of the time and then you hate candy, but still go home to it to lick the wrapper.

6~ I just may have the worst, inappropriate vocabulary. But I know when and when not to use it. And right now: Fuck your mom. (<<<--that might not have been a good example.)

7~ The voice of a Southern man, aged 18 to about 39, is like a vocal aphrodisiac. Gets it juicy for me EVERYtime. Just something about that "lazy" drawl makes me think he took a lifelong Master's course in Busting Pussy Wide Open.

8~ I'm a good speed reader and HATE for somebody to read something to me that I can also see because by the time they spit the first syllable, I'm already on the part called, "THE END."

9~ I get so excited over new shoes, but most times I wear them once and they get banished to the back of my closet. Good thing my budget doesn't allow me to buy any over the price of $24.99...cuz I'd beat my own azz for wasting my OWN money.

10~ I have a little girl's voice. Yes, a little girl about age 4 to be exact. However, my phone bone voice is at least 17...and her parents aren't home and she's making tea and brownies and likes Smirnoff Ice. So come on over, HornyGuy69694u2Love. I believe you're 19 on your next birthday.

Get Served, San Diego!

Be close to Southeast San Diego this fine Friday evening with nothing to do?

I got the remedy...and it'll cost you NUH'CHIN!

Thursday, September 11, 2008


They're sticking to THEIR story...are you?



Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I Tote A Toolbox

...bitch, it's Hammer Time!

PHILADELPHIA — Police in Philadelphia have released surveillance video of a hammer-wielding man attacking another man dozing in a subway car.

The video shows the attacker boarding the subway just after midnight on Thursday with a young child about 5 years old.

Detective Kenneth Roach says it appears that the man kissed the child, then told him to sit down.

After that, the man reached into a backpack he was carrying, pulled out a hammer and began attacking another man who was sitting nearby and dozing off.

The attack spilled onto the subway platform and lasted for several minutes.

Roach says the victim escaped with relatively minor injuries from what appears to have been an unprovoked attack.

No arrests have been made. (Source)

See the victim's reaction here...

This is kinda the way I've been feeling this week.
Work is boring. Coworker's leaving. I'm prepping for Operation:MoreWork4Free
which is the abbreviated version of
Operation: BetnotSayShitCuzThenYoudBeTheAngryBlackBitchWeKNEWYouWereInsteadOfATeamPlayer.
I got the weight of trying to get non-voters to
vote with voter registration deadlines rapidly approaching.
The weekend is still scores of hours away as 'tis only Hump Day **heavy sigh**
...and a biatch ain't humped yet. **crotch tears**
I don't think I'd take my lack of King Kong Long Schlong as far as servin' a random ninj a heaping helping of some Stanley Kirk Burrell on public transit, complete with a child in toe...but, never know.

How goes it in YOUR neck of the 'hoods?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

8 Weeks To Go...

Hola, SAVV'itos!
Today is exactly 8 WEEKS until November 4th otherwise known as: ELECTION DAY!

Hope all you FELONY-FREE folks are all nice and registered up-like!

As for the kid: You knowz I stayz registered like a cash drawer!

In all the years I've been eligible to vote (10 to be exact. Why, Father Time?!) I forgot to cast my vote ONE time. I felt so careless and guilty once I knew the polls were closed because I wasn't doing SHIT that day that was worth missing my opportunity to have my voice heard. I DREADED going home to face my fam because I knew the first thing they'd ask for was my voter receipt or to see if I was rockin' my "I VOTED" sticker. So I ran the streets with my thugs ALL NIGHT so they WOULDN'T be waiting for me by the time I got home. (Still didn't stop them from asking me the next day, though. EFF!)

Voting was and IS that serious in FamSavvyFatty. As it should be in EACH household and familia. It's more important than Jordans, flat screens, and any other aspects of keeping up with or showing up the Joneses. It's THAT serious!

So, needless to say I was POST-PISSED when, just last weekend, I found out my very own 20 year old brother, who grew up with the same MamaSavvyFatty who took me to the polls with her EACH and EVERY time there was an election, is NOT registered to vote.
I popped off Tanisha-style at that muhfucka, calling him dayum near every synonym of "worthless" and "trife" I could find. Especially since I knooowwww if it had been one of these video game companies holding a campaign to vote for your favorite game or character it would have taken a nation of TRILLIONS to hold him back from having his voice heard!
But I don't blame it totally on him. He grew up in a time where MamaSav was raking in the dough so he never wanted for ANY kind of electronic diversion or play thing. Unlike me, Senorita Hot Dog Rice over here, **tears** any and everything he wanted was at the ready for his spoiled ass.
And since Nintendo, Sega, DreamCast, GameCube, XBox, and countless other electronic diversions basically raised him, **ducks a MamaSav-thrown platform heel** he's type-oblivious to TRILL shit.
And because of this, he's like most youngsters who've had the world handed to them so they never had to form a thought in their domes for themselves: his priorities are SO fucked up.

But please believe, I'm going to do everything in my power to equip him with the info necessary to get him registered. I'm even going to take it a step further and spend my precious golden gas driving clear across town to take him to the polls that day because I want him to see just exactly how much MORE important casting your vote is than wasting countless hours parked in front of the TV getting your Adult Swim on or stalking GameStop for the new, new shit.

For those of you in the same indifferent boat as LilBroSavvyFatty, who HAVE NOT registered to vote, I'm peepin' at you while posing a question like I'm J-Hova on the hottest joint from The Black Album: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOOOORRR?!??!!

Register to Vote: Rock the Vote, powered by Credo Mobile


Just let me know what the hold up is so I can react accordingly.

Monday, September 8, 2008


"Happy" Monday, SF'ers!

Hope everybody made it on the flipside of the weekend safely. Hope in 9 months we won't be havin' no showers for no SF'ers babies... :^p

The VMAs rolled back around this year, with a new host, Russell Brand. (Yeah, don't ask me!)
But, TrillVille: I haven't watched a VMAs from start to finish in YEARS. And, I really didn't start last night, either. But I did manage to leave the TV on MTV while I did other ish.
And, really, I only tuned in to see if the lovely lady(<<--no, fa real! No HeadShave!) below was gonna slap the taste outta muhfuckas mouths by giving the people a Classic Britney VMA performance after last year's "D'oh!" fest.
Although she didn't perform, she still redeemed herself in part.

So...follow me nah and see the VMAs through the LensSavvyFatty.

Britney Schpeerz (<--word to South Park's Shelley Marsh)
Bitch was looking uncrazy good!
Face was beat; dress was hot. She might actually regain her early 2-thou'z SavvyFatty BILF status back as I didn't see extension-pod ONE.
Can we say: UPGRADE?!
Damn, it feels good to see people up on it!...(even though THIS, from her downfall days, is HI-LAIR-E-YUS! People are so cool CRUEL!)
But, fa real: What's the deal with her winning all these VMAs?! 'Pity' is NOT just a word that rhymes with 'shitty' (as in her performance from last year).
Shit, I didn't even know she had a song out. Guess cuz I didn't know MTV still played videos. **shrugs**


Since I avoid radio like pregnancy and weight loss, I'd never heard "Disturbia" all the way through until tonight.
And trilly, I could have used another 340+ months without having what I call the OPPOSITE of the "pleasure." **blech**
Guess my inching-towards-30-like-a-Nick-Hogan-driven-Toyota-Supra ears just cain't digest pointless pop like this anymore. I would have done better to watch this performance on MUTE cuz Rih-Rih was LOOKING hot. However, I can always live my life without her daughter-of-Keith-Sweat baaaa'ing.
The hair and makeup: Type-FLAWLESS! That's the kinda shit I'd rock if I didn't have to sit in a cubicle slavin' for the gubmit on a 5x/week basis.
But...Who knows?! Maybe one day when I stop caring about such trivial things as food, water and shelter you can find me by the copy machine rockin' a punky pomp-shag, floor-length tail type'a thang.


Host Russell Brand
I respect his brevity with the "Elect Obama!" statement. Me loves it, lad! Brave, much?!
Just hope Dick Cheney wasn't tuning in with his Suge-Knight-pre-ass-whoopin'-mind on. He mighta holla'd at his Vegas goons to Harry Whittington a muhfucka after the show. Let's hope not. **tunes to Headline News**
**Sidenote: Why could I only understand Russ when I WASN'T looking at the screen? 'Tardation is not just a Palin family thang, fam!


NoAssJonas Brothers
Don't really have much to say about these lil' ninjaz except: REP YO' PROMISE RAINGS!!!
**Real talk: Maybe if some of us would have rocked ours like these young "rock" stars we wouldn't have the problems we have NOW.
Anywhoo...Anybody who's ever been to Sea World San Diego in the 80's and early 90's remember that stage show they had called, "City Streets?" (YES! I'm an ANCIENT HEAD!)
Tell me the facade they performed in front of didn't remind you of the City Streets show? 'Member: The one where dudes in plaid shirts, spandex, and tap shoes were supposed to be "hood?"
Guess that's just the John McCain in me...**tears**


Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps
Wake me when you handin' swimming ass-whoopins to the world...or after you've finished presenting Lil' Wayne, Leona Lewis, and Sooty McSootersteen. Shit! May as well have been raining and pouring cuz SavvyFatty was type-snoring!

Lil' Wayne (ft. Leona Lewis and T-Pain)
Besides being the size of my pinky finger, Weezy-Weez can do ZERO wrong in my eyes right now. Lyrically and musically, he's NOT to be fucked with!
Eff the fact that he was sagging SKINNY JEANS (...pause...) and I saw more of his bootay cheeks than his face (not missing much ANYdayumway) or the fact that he didn't let me hit at Nelly & JD's All-Star Weekend party in Vegas in Feb. '08, I liked the performance.
Wish MTV would have had their usual pit of TRILL party people right at the stage giving Wayne the energy he deserved instead of those boring azz, uninspiring industry folks and middle-aged Y Ts, but hey. Whatevz!
Leona Lewis did her thang on "Misunderstood!" Run me a LimeWire download of this performance ASAP! She spit straight soul to that mic! LOVED IT!


Ciara & Lindsay Lohan
Ayy, Ci-Ci: Khandi Alexander's NewsRadio wig requested to be placed back in the costume closet at NBC for use by someone OVER the age of 160 in the future. Please.And.Thank.You!
And LiLo: Ya betta cover up them goodays. Sammy Ro looks like she packs a MEEEANNN domestic violence backhand, yo.


LOVED her hair!! Reminds me of the years I negro'hawked and rocked the short 'do.
The song and performance was cool. Pink rocked the City Streets facade, too. AND All while remaining the hottest dude I've EVER seen in a rubber bodysuit. EXCELLENT tuck-job, yo!
Trill talk: I love me some Pink. Any bitch who unapologetically says what she feels is on my "Fuck Witchu" list.
BIG UPS, 'Lecia!!!


Jordyn Sparks & John Legend
Big Woman. Little Man. Football player's shoulders. Bitch Lips. THE END.


T.I. (ft.Rihanna)
What in the ghey-azz High School Musical, ghetto Rat Pack hail was going on as Tip performed the song that makes me want to crank dat Marlee Matlin?!
And of course homebitch could have had whatever she liked...cuz you could have WHATEVER you like for a small fee, too. Bitch looked like she had coupons for $5 suckey-suckies on DIZZECK.
That "Live Your Life" performance was fiyah, though. Even with Rih's negr'yodelin'. Plus the biatch got a body that won't QUIT. Let me put the Chipotle down long enough to bless my existing schwag with a flat stomach like 5TonHead and see if I won't rock a Saran-wrap bikini top with my skin-tight jeans on the DAILY.
Just cuz I ain't achieve it (so I extra-cheese it!) I ain't gon' "Mo'Nique" a ho' at all. I'mma tip my hat, grab her camel toe and say, "DO YA THANG, beeyatch!"


Christina Aguilera
I had to put the "flute" down and pick my bifocals up.
ChrissyAg: Datchu, homay?
MTV: Y'all sure the performers didn't get switched up and Blondie ain't come out with some new hot shit on deck for the kiddies?
C. Ag was chunky...but funky. Do ya thang, MILFy McMILFerford!


Tokio Hotel

Guess Bjork is on her MiJac "Bad" tour ish, no?
Naw, that ain't the ex-SugarCubes sugah baby. It's just the androgynous frontman of German band, Tokio Hotel, Bill Kaulitz, doing him as the band accepted the "Best New Artist Award."
Oh!...but before they 80s Patti LaBelle called...


LL Cool J
E-mutherfucking-NOUGH with the puffy paints and glitter.
We get it: You got some ish coming out and are on ya grizzy trying not to Todd Smith the project. GOTCHU!
But real rap: That "Baby" shit ain't NUUUHHHFFFIN' but a fork-in-the-garbage-disposal sounding rehash of "Headsprung."
Won't front: I do get my head-noderation on to The Dream's part.
You can search but you never gon' find/A neck that's missing like miiinnne


Kid Rock (ft. Lil' Wayne)
**Sidenote: I've never had the pleasure of sharing air space with Kid Rock, but for some reason I think if I did he'd smell like snot, rotten cucumbers, and pigs' feet water. Oh! And Hepatitis crumbs...
Since that's neither here nor there...
I really didn't pay attention to his performance with Lil' Weezyana. But when I did take the opportunity to glance over at the screen, I kept having trailer-park-meets-projects visions and "Say Say Say" moments.(<<--Mac & Jac, anyone?)


Kanye West

Pure, unadulterated, understated DOPENESS.
'Ye's vocals were surprisingly GRAVY. The drums: IGNORANT! HOT!
This muhfucka consistently blurs the lines of heterosexuality musical genres while STILL reppin' for Hip Hop. I admire AND applaud the way he steps outside the proverbial box to exhibit "'Riginality" at its finest ALWAYS.
New rap dudes: TAKE NOTES and aspire to EXCELLENCE.
**locks eyes with Kanye, then drops to knee with Jacob box ajar**

All photos snatched from Getty Images and WireImage via MTV

Whatchu think?!