Friday, February 29, 2008

NOT so proud moments in Black History

Hey, SavvyFatty'ers!
It's Friday and I'm on cloud 9 because the weekend is HERE! YIPPAY!

It's also the last day of February and Black History Month. Since we celebrated the month with lesser known Black History facts, I wanted to counter those proud moments of excellence with some NOT SO PROUD moments of ig'nance. We come from better so...WE GOTZ TO DO BETTER!

So...sit back, relax and enjoy! (And DON'T be tryna send Pookie and Nay-Nay over my house if you happen to recognize yourself, your friends or your relatives in these moments. Cuz...OHHHH!!! It ain't my fault! Don't jump the messenger!)

First person to quit a job after refusing to cut:

1970: Durwin "Black" Edwards quit his job as the janitor at Neighborhood Preschool in Detroit, Michigan after being asked to cut his afro.
"These muthafuckas don't pay me enough to cut my shit," Black shared. "I been growing my shit too long to get rid of it over this sorry ass job. These muthafuckas can kiss my ass!"

1983: Gerrita "G.G." Blevins left her positon as a secretary at a construction company after the foreman asked her to wear steel toe boots on the jobsite and she refused since the shoes would "fuck up her nails."
"I pay too much for my shit to be stuffing it into some damn steel toe boots. They can miss me with that bullshit!"

1991: Keith "Keefy" Simmons left his flourishing career at KFC after the manager asked him to cut his braids after customers complained about the unkempt appearance of his cornrows. When asked to comment on why he'd leave a job he held for close to 1o years, Keefy answered simply: "Fuck it. I don't need this job anyway. My babymama just got approved for Section 8 so I don't need this shit anyway!"

First ninja to claim a child on his taxes that he denies and has never seen:
1976: Ronald "Rollo" Jackson for claiming his daughter, Ronalda Latrice Jackson, after he vehemently denied the child, even denied ever knowing the mother. When asked why he'd claim a child he claimed wasn't his, Rollo answered: "Mind ya own gatdamn business, bitch!"

First ninja to pimp his ride while still living in his mama's house:
1978: William "Slick Willy" Owens purchased a Ford Pinto and immediately added several after-market features including a custom body kit, paint, and chrome wheels. Slick Willy wasn't available for comment. But his mother, who answered the door, offered this: "This nigga ain't worked a day in his life and ain't paid me a cent of rent or did an ounce of dishes. Yet this bastard got money enough to buy a car? I oughta put his ass outta my damn house like I did his sorry ass daddy 'long time ago."

First ninja to ruin a pillowcase with a jheri curl:
1982: Durrell "Greasy" Mims ran out and ot his jheri curl after years of being called "Nappyheaded." The next morning, after he'd left for school, his mother was horrified to find his pillow case soaked with a mysterious oil. "I didn't know what the hell was going on," Mrs. Mims said. "At first I didn't know what it was. I checked the ceiling for leaks and there was none. Then I see that lil' nigga comin' in here with that shit drippin' off his head and I got pissed! All I know is somebody is payin' for my shit! What this boy think? Pillowcases grow on trees?!"

First recorded use of the term "Baby Mama."
1987: Jerrod "J-Rod" Peters was shocked to find his vehicle keyed in the parking lot of the local BBQ joint. J-Rod had been enjoying the company of a lovely young lady when he made the discovery. When his companion asked who could have done such a thing, J-Rod responded: "Couldn't'na been NOBODY but my fuckin' Baby Mama! GOT DAMN IT!"

First recorded use of the term "Baby Daddy."
1990: Belinda "Peaches" Coleman was mortified when her co-worker informed her that there was a drunken man in the parking lot screaming her name and asking to see his kids. "'Who is that?'" My co-worker asked me. I walked over to the blinds and saw his rag'ly ass standin' there lookin' embarrassin' and shit. I told her nosey ass, 'That's just my baby daddy. Don't pay his triflin' ass no mind.' I shut the blinds and kept workin.' I ain't losin' my job over his ass!"

First person to be "Hated On" despite really needing to take a long hard look AND personal inventory of their life and actions:
1994: Damitria "Big D-rawls" Mitchell describes her haters: "People always tellin' me what the fuck I need to do. Tellin' me I need to lose weight, get a job, buy some clothes that fit, clean my house, take care of my kids. Muthafuckas just hatin' and need to stay out of mine! They just mad they cain't do it like me!"



I know I've been slippin' on the Black History pimpin' for the past week, but now...I'm back at it like a Craftmatic! And I'mma shoot it in ya veins like a drug addict! ;-) Please it was all in my plan to hit you with the Black History BONANZA! Designed to end our month off with a BANG!

I hope you've enjoyed spending your Black History Month with me. Hopefully you've learned something from my Little Known Black History Facts. I hope you've grown to appreciate what rich history we Black Americans have and recognize our value to this "Melting Pot."

My Black people, always remember: WE COME FROM GREATNESS! Let's keep the movement going! Do something great in your life so that the subsequent generations can learn about and appreciate YOU!

As a segue between Black History Month and Women's History Month (March), today we'll celebrate the accomplishments of GREAT Black Women from all walks of life. (Cuz we ain't only good for shit-talkin', baked macaroni, and azz-shakin' video hoe'in'!)

Queen Ahmose-Nefertari
Pharaoh Ahmose (ruled 1709-1683 BC) founded the Negro Eighteenth Egyptian Dynasty. Ahmose-Nefertari, his wife, was highly distinguished and did much to help reconstruct the country after centuries of foreign rule. She held the position of Second Prophet of Amen and also that of Divine Wife.
In these roles she performed various civil and religious duties. She maintained a college of priestesses, controlled the divine offerings to the deity Amen, was in charge of the workers of the temple fields and also controlled a number of dignitaries. She later ruled the country as Queen-Regent for Amenhotep I, her son. Some building projects date back to her time such as the reconstruction of the Deir-el-Medina necropolis. Amenhotep I succeeded her when he became of age. Of this great woman, Sir Flinders Petrie, master of the British archaeologists, wrote that she was "the most venerated figure of Egyptian history."

Frances Ellen Watkins Harper
Born on September 24, 1825. At a young age, Frances was orphaned. Harper received her education at a school for free African-Americans run by her uncle, William Watkins. The school was located at the present day site of the Baltimore Convention Center. At the age of 13, Harper's formal education came to an end when she took a job as a nursemaid.
Harper's first publication was a collection of poetry and prose entitled Autumn Leaves. It was published while she was a teenager. She published another volume of poems entitled Poems on Miscellaneous Subjects (1857). This work sold over 10,000 copies within its first five years of publication.
In 1869, Harper published Moses, A Story of the Nile. After three years of writing, she published Sketches of Southern Life. Some of her other works include Poems, Atlanta Offering, Effie Alton, Eventide, Idylls of the Bible, and The Sparrow's Fall. Her only novel is Iola Leroy: On Shadows Uplifted, a book about a wealthy slaveowner who falls in love with and marries an African-American woman. Harper was, by far, the most popular poet of her time. Her poetry reflected her views on the abolition of slavery, women's rights and other social ills of her time period

Mary Church Terrell
Born on September 23, 1863, in Memphis, Tennessee, Terrell became an educator, political activist, and the first president of the National Association of Colored Women. Terrell understood the value of education.
In 1898, Mary Church Terrell wrote how African-American women "with ambition and aspiration [are] handicapped on account of their sex, but they are everywhere baffled and mocked on account of their race." She fought for equality through social and educational reform.

Madame C. J. Walker
Born Sarah Breedlove on December 23, 1867 in Delta, Louisiana, the daughter of Owen and Minerva Breedlove. Her parents were former slaves working as sharecroppers and both died when Sarah was a child. As a result, Sarah was forced to move from one household to another. At age seven, she moved in with her sister Louvina and her husband. After suffering abuse from Louvina's husband, Sarah ran away and married Moses McWilliams when she was 14 years old. In 1885, she gave birth to their daughter Lelia. Two years later, Moses was murdered by a White lynch mob.
After this tragedy, Sarah moved with her daughter to St. Louis, Missouri where she worked as a cook and housecleaner. Unfortunately, all of the stress and hardship had begun to take its toll on her and she found her hair falling out. She tried several products which claimed would help her condition but to no avail. At this point Sarah had a dream in which a "big Black man appeared to me and told me what to mix up for my hair. Some of the remedy was grown in Africa, but I sent for it, put it on my scalp, and in a few weeks my hair was coming in faster than it had ever fallen out." After she shared her formula with some friends and found it successful for them as well, she realized that there were almost no hair products available for Blacks. She therefore decided to go into business, selling hair products to Black women.
In 1905 Sarah's brother died and she moved to Denver, Colorado to live with her sister-in-law. When she arrived in Denver she had only $2.00 in her pocket yet she worked during the day as a cook in order to finance her part time business. At this point she met Charles Joseph "C.J." Walker, a newspaperman with an innate ability for marketing. She married Walker on January 4, 1906 and the couple set up the "Madam CJ Walker Manufacturing Company" and began placing advertisements in Black newspapers throughout the United States. Although they proved a successful team, they disagreed as to how much the company should grow. After years of struggling and suffering, Sarah wanted her company to grow immensely and divorced him in order to devote herself to the business (he stayed on as a sales agent for the company.). She continued on with many of the ideas he had passed on to her, including going door-to-door to sell the products. Her hard work paid off and in 1906 she brought her daughter Lelia, a recent college graduate, in to manage the company.
While Lelia ran much of the company, Sarah traveled across the country and throughout Latin America and the Caribbean marketing the products and developing new ones. She also sought to bring more women into the company, desiring to empower them and give them a way of rising above the constraints set by a male dominated society.
In 1908, Sarah started Lelia College in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, which trained women to sell her products door-to-door and by 1910 had more than 1,000 sales agents. In that year, she moved the company's headquarters to Indianapolis, Indiana and soon the company grew beyond anyone's expectations. By 1914, the woman who only nine years earlier had only $2.00 to her name was now worth more than one million dollars. Her products ranged from hair conditioners and facial creams to hot combs specially made for the hair of Black consumers.
After her early suffering and poverty plagued existence, Sarah McWilliams had looked for a way out and as Madame C.J. Walker was able to purchase a 34 room mansion built off of the Hudson River in New York. When she died on May 25, 1919, she was mourned throughout the Black community as a pioneer and a Black industrialist. For many women, White and Black, however, she had served as an inspiration and a role model.

Alice Coachman

Born: Nov. 9, 1923
Alice Coachman became the first black woman to win an Olympic gold medal with her win in the high jump in 1948 (London). She broke the high school and college high jump records despite not wearing any shoes. Coachman was a member of the National Track & Field Hall of Fame.

Shirley Ann Jackson

Shirley A. Jackson was born in 1946. In 1973, she became the first Black woman to graduate with a Ph.D. in physics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. There were few women and fewer Black women at MIT, but Shirley resolved she would succeed anyway. She says:"I feel fortunate that I never had to think about whether a woman or a Black could be a scientist until I was in the middle of it."
After graduating from MIT, she became a research associate at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory. Then she was a visiting scientist at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva, Switzerland. She has worked at AT&T/Bell Labs since 1976. She researches the nature of matter and how it behaves. She lectures and teaches at MIT and other universities. She lectured at the NATO International Advanced Study Institute in Antwerp, Belgium in 1982. Her research on
high-energy theory has given her international recognition.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Count Lacy (<---get it?)

Where my FATTIES at?!?!?!

Looka here at this HAUTE black lace banded bottom top ON SALE! NOW!!! at
Fun and flirty enough to be worn in the day. And sleek and chic enough to be FIERCE in the night.

Here's the daytime look. PERFECT for afternoons in the mall or errand-running. Or a backyard boogie, day in the park...or any place where you must look stunning! (<---like that rhyme one time for your mind?)
Skinny jeans, silver earrings, a rhinestone ring, red and white pointed toe flats, a multicolor bracelet, a green bag and plain lip balm to set it off. ;-)

For night time we have a houndstooth graphic print skirt with green heels, a purple fabric clutch, heavy eyes, nude glossy lips, diamond earrings and ring and a black plastic cuff. Stylish, sassy, and saucy! And oh so flossy! Cuz Kelis ain't the only one who loves to be BOSSY! (JEAH!)

American Idol: The Good, The Bad, and the WUT DEE BLUDCLOT?!!!

Honestly, I don't watch AI. I ain't watched it since Fantasia won and broke her shoe singing "A Moment Like This" or whatever hokey crap they make the winners sing so they're "digestable" to the American public. (Read that as: Middle and Southern WHITE America)

But I peeped these pics online this morning and HAAADDD to share. I mean, what kinda SavvyFatty would I be if I didn't?

Before you read below, please note: I'm AALLLLL for individuality as I'm the girl who wraps scarves, Skateboard P and Kanye West-style, around my non-existent neck so I can look like a bad azzz.
HOWEVER...I need some 'splanations about what's going on hea!

AI Hopeful Danny Noriega

Just me...or does this dude look like what would happen if Sanjaya and Pee Wee Herman busted on a No. 2 pencil?

AI Hopeful Chikezie Eze
(See how all the other pics are huge and clear? But the BLACK MAN's pic is tiny and pixelated. See how they do my pee-po? It's just THE MAN tryna keep us down. It's a C-O-N-SPIRACY! LOL!)

Am I the only one getting the sudden urge to makeout in my uncle's basement? TELL ME this suit doesn't remind you of the itchy fabric of a 70s rumpus room couch, the one where you busted your first ounce of puppy water into your UnderRoos. Something about this suit and its color makes me want to shaaaaagggg. That or eat a whole bag of Cheetos Puffs while blazin' with with Chester Cheetah. YEAH BABY!

AI Hopeful Amanda Overmeyer

What in the Cruella De Vil, Phyllis Diller fuck?

AI Hopeful Ramiele Malubay

Ahhh!!! Finally some hotness! Babygirl is rockin da SHIIIT out of that asymmetrical cut. Don't trip if you peep me on the streets with my Eve MicroYaky #1 cut up and glued in that style. Me likey! Babygirl got some pretty lips, too. (Cain't compete with my babydoll Miley Cyrus...but that's neither here nor there) Don't know if I'm feeling the Chillin' in the Food Court after hitting up the sale at The Icing 'fit, but she's still cute. I'd hit it!

Whatchu know 'bout her?


SORRY GALS! Put ya strap-ons and dental dams away.

Lil' Mama IS a lady!!!!!

Peep her gettin' her girly groove on at the NAACP Image Awards After-Party (held at the local VFW, no?)
She ain't packin the crotchital heat I thought she was as she was spittin' game at homey in the beginning of the "G-Slide" video. This is the first time I'm NOT throwing myself on the In Remembrance of Me table hoping and praying that her balls and "Littlest Mama" don't peep out and SCRUUUUBBB the ground.

**paging Jermaine Dupri**


JD, mayne! GETCHA GIRL! Look at Janet gettin' close to another ninja. Takin' flicks today...takin' dem drawls tomorrow!!
Look at 'im. He sportin' a lil' bling-blang. Got a smoove, suaaaave smile. Don't look like he gotta use a ladder to get to the pussay. Homey is BUILT, too! Got guns like the Wild West!
Betta watch ya back!

**reviewing photo again**

Oooooohh!! Yo!!!!!!!! My bad, Serena! You lookin' shaaaaarrppp! Ya baboon feminine game is WAAAAYYY strong in that red halter dress. Don't hurt 'em!!! Do ya thang, ma!!!
**runs reeeaaalll fast**

Let the Church say, "GATDAYUM!"

Brandy and Aretha Franklin

I understand being down for ya folkers, but what's up with Reth-Reth smuggling a whole church pew into the NAACP Image Awards?
After many years of being the hottest, sexxxiest bia bia in the soul game, she STILL don't have pull to get enough tickets for her homays from the Mammoration Temple of Greater Tetas?
Daaaaamn, homay!

And I can't tell if Brandy just got out the shower...or karate class. But her hair IS on point for a change. **thumbs up** FINALLY it doesn't look like there's an invisible village of evil Liliputians above her pulling her wig off with a crane.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


It's gon' take Frankie, Neffie, and a NATION of Keyshia's alleged daddies to pull me offa this heffa cuz I'm about to POP OFF! POP OFF!! 'Tanisha'-from-The Bad Girls Club-style!!!!!

photos courtesy of BOSSIP

Ummm, no this biatch DIDN'T! What dee PLUCK is she doin' with MYYYYY man?!?!?! Don't she know I been wantin' to SMASH DAT (<--literally) for years now?!!?!!

And what DEE HAIL is going on here?!??! What is she doin' to give my baby booboo the Popeye?!?!?!?!! MOVE IT, BIATCH!!! I'LL be the one givin' the rimshots, hey, diggy diggy!

My Ticket to Hell: PAID IN FULL

Young Cone-heezy...ahem! I mean, JEEZY, granted a wish to a special young man and his family in the form of a much needed wheelchair accessible conversion van.
photos courtesy of SANDRA ROSE

Looking at these pics, my heart grows warmer than Johnny Gill's throat now that Eddie has moved the bitches outta the house and is a free man.

However, being the me that I've always been ...the only thing I think when viewing these pics is **whispers**:

Damn. I know I'm wrong. Pray for me, y'all!

NO! Really, I'm very happy that Jeezy's kind heart blessed this young man and his fam. Having racked up and rinsed out several gallons of the purest form of differently-abled saliva worked with special needs kids in my life, I understand the importance of them having the opportunity to lead normal lives and be mobile like the rest of us.
So I'mma quit fuckin' around and just: Picture them rollin'!

It's just a BOOTYCALL!

Sooooo…now that I got my own house, drive my own car, 1 job, work hard, a FAT, baaad broad, needless to say I’m feelin’ myself a lil’ bit. Anyone who knows me personally knows it’s been a long road to I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E (do you know what that means, man?).

Besides being 100% ON MY OWN to put the icing on the fat kid’s cake: I now have my OWN computer! One that I can sit at in my drawls! WHOO HOO OWWW!!!!! Do you know what that means to a horny toad like myself?
Well if you don’t know, now you know, ninja: FREE DOWNLOADED PORN!

I know I’m probably the LAST emm-effer in the world to see that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson joint. (Don’t see what all the hype is about. Maybe I’m just a lucky ducky, but I’ve been seeing meat like that since the mid-90s. YAAWWWNN!)
Oooh! And that Mr. Marcus and Superhead! MAAAANNN!! All I’mma say about that is what my man E-40 said many moons ago: THAT BIATCH COULD TEACH THE WEED HOW TO BLOW! She should start a class at the Learning Annex or travel the country holding formal seminars. She’s a BEEEEEAAAASSSSTTT! No wonder she ain’t married.
(You know men don’t like to wife a woman who gives them PLEASURE. Same reason I’m still on the market. DAMN SKILLS!!!! **Tears while prepping my noose**)

So one night while I was late-night surfing in my drawls, I come across OnlineBootyCall. (OBC)
I’ve heard of the site before, but never really examined it for myself. The whole philosophy behind the site is to find someone to hookup with…ASAP! The motto: “Finding the pieces without the puzzle” cracks me the fuck up! I hear it, OBC!
So, being the inquiring mind that I am, I started an account-for RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, people! Don’t judge me, bro!
I uploaded a random face pic of myself. It wasn’t a Glamour Shot nor was I showing off my big girl goodies. Just wanted to put a pic up since I know profiles with pics get more love and potential “booty.” Oh! The possibilities! (LOL!)

WELL! WELL! WELL! OBC delivered. And FAST! Within the HOUR I had no less than 10 people asking for my “booty.” (Mind you this was almost 4 o'clock in the morning!) I couldn’t even view booty for someone trying to instant message me talking about, “What’s up for tonight?” Tonight? Fa REAL? Damn! Like that, OBC? Tonight? No kinda small talk, chit-chat bullshit, huh? Don’t even ask me how my day went, how my night is going. Just what’s up with them pannays. Ok, OBC: I gotchu!

I spent a good hour browsing the male booty section. It was full of short guys, regular guys, church-going (looking!) guys, old men, child molesters, rapists, your school principal, etc.
There is A LOT of exposed man meat on there, too, ladies. The fellaz aren’t shy about doing their best 50 Cent impression or about showing off their taco meat. **blech**

I was still very much awake after I exhausted the countless pages of male booty. So...wasn't shit left to do but to wander on over to the double X-chromosome booty. (By the way: I listed my orientation as 'Bisexual.' That way I can browse and get booty from BOTH sexes. Like R. Kelly and Jigga-Man said: BEST OFFFFFF BOOOTTTTHHH WORLDS, YEAH!!! )
Didja know: OBC is not only a site, it’s also a learning experience as I never knew there were so many women born with ONLY asses and high heels! Every other picture was of an ashy, rusty booty’d ho with a cheap pair of Skittles-colored swap meet stilettos on, bent over showing the WORLD when her next period was due. Mmm! Tasty. **coats back of throat with vomit**

I’ve only been on OBC for about a week and a half now and I have about 20 people on my BootyCall list, both males and females. (Remember: For RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY!!) I’ve turned down probably another 50 or so as I’m NOT into lames, midgets, jheri curls, great grandpas, To Catch a Predators, or Pimpin’ Pastors. I’m only a Bronze OBC member, meaning I ain’t paid for SHIT. So I can’t actually communicate with people unless they are paid Gold Members (<--hilarious!). So I am basically just a spectator. But it’s interesting to see the kinds of people from AAALLL walks of life who are just looking for a quick fuck. **logging on right now** Sister Maria Catherine...datchu?!?!?!! :-o

Oh! And if I got your email address, don't think for a SECOND that I won't try to find your OBC profile with it. There's a feature where if you put in your email address, they can tell you which one of your contacts is already a member. If you don't want me to start namin' names, start erasing profiles ASAP! HAHA!!!!!!!

Double Oh! I forgot to mention the RATING SYSTEM. Yes! If you have a pic up, other members can rate your booty. Currently my booty is rated at a lowly 4.75. **blank face**
REALLY, OBC!?!? I ain't worthy of a 6? Guess y’all ain’t feelin’ my homemade weaves and Wet N Wild lipstick, huh?
Damn! **wondering what Star’Quishawn and Zalomonisea got rated for showing the world their booty meat**

Hmmmm….Maybe it’s time for a change.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A face only a groupie could love :-s


TELL ME he don't look like the spooge that's left on the sheets after a Miles Davis, Whoopi Goldberg and Mr. Hanky swerve session.
And I'll say 'Howdy Ho!'"

**panty temperature at an ALL TIME HIGH**

Ahhhhh!! What a sight for sore eyes!
photo courtesy of BOSSIP

**mentally editting Raz B's diabetic azz out of the picture**

Oooh, FLOYD!! My favorite lil' man!!!! Take my hand and let's walk the streets lookin like an 18!!!!! Mmmmppphhh!!!

Just looking at the tiny fine'ness that is Floyd has made my Tuesday!! Oooh that man!!! My day couldn't get ANY better..........unless Idris Elba walked into my job sporting a smile, talking in his Stringer Bell voice, holding a bouquet of white roses, a bottle of Carlos Rossi Sangria and a Twister game...

Or...Miley Cyrus sent me an invite to her 18th Bday bash/Our engagement party...

OR...Oprah sent me a text begging for an afternoon delight, saying she's sitting in the backseat of my Honda ready to swing an episode and she's wearing nothing but Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. CHA-CHING!


Making our ancestors proud since 1959

photo courtesy of BOSSIP


**regaining composure**
What in the name of a 'hood Pepe Le Pew and Teen Wolf is THIS?!?!?!?

This shit ain't RIGHT! Wipe me down with an episode of Zoobilee Zoo! ASAP!

**singin** Akon and CONE-HEEZAY!

photo courtesy of BOSSIP

Is it just me...or does anybody else have a uncontrollable hankerin' for 31 flavors?!?!?

Anybody else get the sudden urge to watch Madonna "Vogue?"

Monday, February 25, 2008

Monday SCHMUNDAY! **grrrrrr**

Hey SavvyFatty'ers!!

It's Monday and I'm working on EMPTAY! I'm not tired...I just don't want to be here. I was already almost 3 hours late fucking around with the lady from General Services in the Badges division.
SHOUTS to dat biatch Maria Conchita Enriqueta Guadalupe Hermosilla de Guadalajara for giving me the third emm'effin degree like my folks ain't been here since the cultivation of AmeriKKKa!!!! So I'mma write that tramp a lil sumthin to let her know how I feel about her infringing upon my Monday morning"

I SOOOO appreciate YOU telling ME where I work, what I need and DON'T need to get into my building, questioning my FACE and HAIR and SMILE all while wearing an INSIDE OUT jacket and a stroke-laced lip saggin' dirty toothed grin! BITCH! Puhleez!!! How you gon' question me about ANYTHING when you lookin like you still got border dust under ya fingernails and in ya chonclas?!?!? And don't ack like I don't know why that jacket was inside out. That's ya "sellin'" jacket and if you turned it inside out everybody at work would know the prices you charge for tamales, chicle and for lettin' the donkey eff ya CHOCHA!
So...think before you break out the Patriot Act on folks again. Cuz I got 3 words for you, hoe: LA MIGRA, BITCH!
I AM NOT THE ONE! I mean... "No soy el uno" (or something like that!) celebration of the fact that I ain't got ISH to say goes a SURVEY, thirstay!

1. List two facts about the last person you kissed.
a.) I love that man more than he'll EVER know.
b.) If he don't hurry up and realize I'm the one for him...I'll just keep on waiting till he does (D'OH!)
2. What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?
I'm an old snatch!! **tears**
3. Do you believe there's always room in your heart for your first love?
Yes, there's always room for my first love. **licks lips at the thought of an order of 5 rolled tacos with cheese, sour cream and guacamole**
4. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's underwear?
Hail naw! I like my men taaaallll and lankay. I couldn't fit anything of there's...well, maybe ONE thing. **wank, wank** OWWWWWWW!!!
5. Where is the next place you will travel to?
I wish Jamaica where I could lay out on the beach in my fat girl bikini, with 2 fine dred-locked men laying on either side of me with FAT GANJA BLUNTS rolled and ready. Ahhhhhh!!!
6. Do you want to get married & have kids one day?
I already have a kid AND a grandkid. (I move fast in 2 years, riiiight) So I'm DONE. Now it's time for me and ya papa to have some alone time...SO GET ON!!!!
7. Do you curse a lot?
What kinda bitch ass question is that, you muthafuckin' shithead?
8. Have you ever kissed in a pool?
Nope. But if you want summa this, meet me at the Y and it's goin DOOOOWWWWNN!
9. Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Which set of hair are you talking? The natural or the MicroYaky?
10. Do you like ice cream?
LOVE IT like this fat kid loves cake...and donuts...and rolled tacos...and Chipotle Barbacoa burritos...and gyros...and sushi...and ya daddy.
11. What's your favorite color?
Red, blood! **tosses up random retarded gang sign**
12. What does the last text in your inbox say and from who?
From my babe, telling me he misses me. **temperature in panties rises from normal to "MOIST"
14. Have you ever lied to protect someone's feelings?
NEVER! NOPE! I straight up told that ninj that his DI was TINIER than Tim. And I had to tell that other one that he WASN'T so fresh and so clean. Tain't easy bein' ME!
15. Are you hiding something from your parents?
HAIL YES!! They'd shart their drawls if they knew the REEEEAAALLLL me!
16. Do you get jealous of other people easily?
Only person I'm jealous of is Stedman Graham cuz his S-Curl since the 80s ass been hittin my babymama off to where she ack like she cain't call noboday!
17. What's the best thing about having a boyfriend/girlfriend?
18. How did you meet the last person you kissed?
At work...but SHHHH!!!!!!
19. Have you ever been asked "does size matter?"
YUP! And the person who asked SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!!!!
20. Are you of great importance in someone else's life??
Dayum right I am!! Now tell me how BURNT your existence would be without your daily dose of The Savviest of Fatties?!?!?!
21. Whats your favorite saying?
22. Is there anybody that knows your deepest, darkest secret?
YUP! And I'd never tell that biatch SHIT else! Matter of fact...**dialin' Tony Soprano and 'nem**
23. Could you fit down your chimney?
I can barely fit these Lane Bryant Made for Fatties unless the chimney got Stretch-Flex and a tummy panel...
24. What is the oldest person you would date right now?
I'm like Mary J: I love without a limit! If John McCain, Bob Dole, and Joan Rivers wanted to swing my way, I'm ALLL IN!
28. Do you stick up for what you believe in?
Damn right! And I believe in the power of me and Oprah's love! So Stedman: WATCH YO S-CURL, BRUH! **flicking lighter at his Wave Nouveau**
29. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
Yup! Everybody who rushes to the club to get in line before 10pm to get in FREE, but couldn't take they ig'nit asses to the polls to vote. UNGRATEFUL ASS IDIOTS!
30. If you could go back in time would you?
I'd go back to 95 and/or 96, back to the days when I was gettin' it on the REG-GU-LAR!!!!!!!!
31. Do you use your middle finger often?
Only late at night when I'm lonelay and watching downloaded porno on my computer. That middle finger ain't no PUNK!
32. What's annoying you right now?
33. Are you a really understanding person?
Fuck no! I don't understand shit! You no English...Me no care! You no have legs. YOU GET OFF STAIRS!
34. Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?
**looks out into the crowd**
You...and you...oooh! And you...Why you hidin'? YOU, TOO!

Friday, February 22, 2008


Photo courtesy of AHotMess

Peepin this pic, my blood sugar is higher than an Amy Winehouse/Blake Fielder-Civil/Jeff Conaway/Lindsay Lohan orgy, mayne!! Don't this fool know I'm at WORK? I ain't got TIIIIME for a case of Ocular Diabetes right now. **stabs self in the bellay with insulin**

I can't look at the D.O. Double G like this!!!! I ain't feelin' this Leroy from "Fame" mixed with a Shabba Doo from "Electric Bugaloo" vibe. That glove is MURDERING each and every early 90's daybed wet dream I used to have! For some odd reason, I think that thing is filled with KY Warming Liquid. **drowns esophagus in vomit**
I don't like that side-eye he's givin' either. I KNOW what he's thinking...and I don't like it. :-s

**screams at the screen**
NO, SNOOP! When the pimp's in the crib you WILL NOT make my man drop it like it's hot!

Somebody hand him a blue plaid pendleton, grey dickies, blue chucks, and a blue shower cap ASAP!!!



Bartender at Celeb Nightspot Had Hepatitis A; Served Same Night as Ashton Kutcher's Birthday
Article courtesy of FoxNews

A bartender at a hot New York City celebrity nightspot had hepatitis A, the Health Department confirmed Thursday — and was working the same night Ashton Kutcher held his star-studded birthday party earlier this month.
The New York City Health Department confirmed it notified patrons of Socialista of the exposure on Feb. 7, Feb. 8 and Feb. 11 and urged them to get a hepatitis A vaccination as a precautionary measure.
Kutcher was joined by dozens of celebrities at Socialista on Feb. 7 to celebrate his birthday, reported. While the Health Department could not confirm exactly who was there, TMZ reported that
Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Salma Hayek and Bruce Willis were among the guests.
"We are asking these bar patrons to get this vaccination as a precautionary measure," Sharon Balter, a Health Department official, told MyFoxNY. "If people experience symptoms, they should see a doctor, but for most people bed rest and avoiding alcohol are all that is needed to recover. This incident serves as an important reminder to always wash hands thoroughly and regularly to prevent the spread of disease."
Now, see?! Ain't you thankin' ya lucky stars that you were somewhere livin' ya regular life, sittin alone at the computer in ya studio sippin on White Zin mixed with cheap vodka, talkin' to strangers on Myspace or peepin' profiles at OnlineBootyCall or lookin' at the personals section of your local Craigslist with one hand in ya pants, instead of livin the "Good Liiiife" with the celebrities?

Me either.
I'd leave the bar witha hearty case of Ebola-laced syphilis if it meant I could enjoy a FREE, open bar.


A GW Bush LIBRARY?!?!?!

Details emerge for George W. Bush library
Article courtesy of: Dallas Business Journal

Southern Methodist University will disclose on Friday the planned details of the George W. Bush presidential library.
According to published reports, the university will announce a 99-year-lease, with available extensions for up to 246 years. Other reports say the library will cost between $200 to $500 million to build. All of the money will come from private donations.
The site selected for the library is near the intersection of Central Expresway and SMU Boulevard.
Final approval for the project, which is expected to take up to five years to complete, must be given from the Methodist Church, which owns the land.
More than 11,500 individuals have signed an online petition urging the church to deny land rights for the library. The petition was launched by a collection of Methodist ministers and church officials.
According to recent findings by American Research Group Inc., a national polling firm, President George W. Bush has an approval rating of 19 percent -- the lowest in recorded American history.
Still, the library is expected to become a significant tourist attraction for the Dallas area; various projections put the economic impact of the library at several hundred million.
SMU officials involved in negotiations with the Bush Foundation regarding the library were not immediately available to comment on Friday.

A library?!?!! Word. Ok. I know the book (yes, SINGULAR!) they'll be carrying:

I know AAAALLL presidents get a library, it's one of the perks of the job...but come on now! THIS NINJA?!?!?!?! THIS NINJ RIGHT HERE?!?!?!!
Does someone who couldn't tell if a book was RIGHT SIDE UP or not, sportin' a 19% approval rating deserve it?

Fuck it!!!!!!!!! Next year, in a hood near you, squeezed between the Check Cashing Place and Kim's Nails, right across from the Hot Links and Waffles spot...I'm opening SavvyFatty Fitness. I mean, this ninj can't read and is getting a LIBRARY! Shouldn't my fat ass be able to open a gym?!?!?!

It's a set of...big booty skeletons!

Jennifer Lopez and her Halloween hubby Marc Anthony welcomed their twins this morning. A girl and a boy, named Arroz y Con Pollo, respectively.

What a douche, right?!?!? HAHAAHAHAA!!! I KEED! I KEED!

But real talk, congrats to J-Lo and the Walking Dead. She's finally a mommy. **reppin' for my Spanish readers** I meant "Mami."
Ayy! Ayy! Ayy Chico! since she'll be at home taking care of her Los Rugratos, does that mean she won't be blessing the world with anymore Oscar-worthy movie performances? No more sequined embellished velour tracksuits? No more classic double acrylic albums?!?! No more ass cleavage jeans?!??! But...but...where am I gonna go when I need a CAMEL TOE?!?!?!?!!!!
How am I gonna "Get Right" while she keeps me "Waiting For Tonight?" OH! OHHHH!!

**Logging on to**

**Singing "Gangsta Lean" while holding up my lighter for all the natural noses we lost in the struggle**

Lil Kim
photo courtesy of BOSSIP

As if the shit wasn't thinner than Eddie Murphy's wallet after an oiled up Johnny Gill lap dance ALREADY!
Looks like she let the illustrious cosmetic surgery firm of Cody and Sarah get at her shit again.
Dried up silly putty, a hot rock and a spatula, right, kids?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Fa real?!

Raise your hand if you need another velour tracksuit?!?!?

**sees people choking themselves out, peeps one person with a butterknife to their wrist, peeps Amy Winehouse and her Blake walkin' in**

Ok...didn't think so. But if you did, that would be fine! Just know that 2002 is calling and wants its fashion craze back. :-i

photo courtesy of Crunktastical tacky lacefront weave-wearin' bitches who tryna scrounge up enough money to pay the mortgage on that regular ass 2BR/1BA "mansion" from "How I'm Livin" news...Trina, the hip hop world's PREMIERE fashionista (ninja pleez!), is coming out with a clothing line, Pink Diamond Couture. The line promises to make you just as swap meet/flea market/nail shop/welfare office fresh as Apple Bottoms and Baby Phat do now!

So, ladies: Grab your hot pink Razrs, the keys to your Mazda 323s, and text Shaweendryah and Tyerafeece and tell them to get to Demo ASAP!
But don't run TOO fast. I wanna go!...and you KNOW I'm fat! And you KNOW I can't stand to live my days without looking THIS type of classy:

**wipes self down with an ocular douche**

What happened to 'riginality?!?!? Why everybody gotta come out with a dayum clothing line?!?!?

TRINA?!?! A clothing line?!?! That's like me coming out with a line of dietary products or exercise DVDs.
She would do MUCH better coming out with a line of inspirational cards offering young women tips on how to survive the years of being a concubine to a famous female Hip Hop artist/producer in order to support the "Glamorest Life." And if she needed assistance, Tweet could be her business partner! **whispers** Cuz you know that "Ooops!" dough is LONG spent on truckloads of dental dams. And/or laundry detergent to remove those Mac Viva Glam stains from her sheets .

It's Black History Month, SNITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!! Vol. 6.0

Now tell me...does the Klan buy lightbulbs? Use telephones???!?!!!!!

1876- Inventor Alexander Graham Bell employed Lewis H. Latimer to draft the necessary drawings required to receive a patent for Bell's telephone. He did this in his capacity as draftsman at the firm of Bell's patent law firm. He also patented an improved way to produce carbon filaments for light bulbs.

**bustin a FONKY rhyme 1 time for ya mind** I believe him! His heart's barely BEATIN'!!!

His hips barely workin'!
He ain't out there cheatin'!
**beatboxin like The Fat Boys**

Senator John McCain, or as I so affectionately call him "Centrum Silver" is accused of hittin' off one of his lobbyist homegirls, Vicky Iseman.

I ain't no Republican and honestly, I could care less what ancient white folks do with their pink meats. **vomits on wisdom tooth**
However: I do say he's innocent!


Tell me THIS lil' vivrant thang would let CS break her off somethin' proper like a real showstopper?!?!?
Vicki Iseman

Ummm...NO!!!! Vick-Vick ain't hardly tryna have a "The Color Purple" moment. Y'all remember when Celie was at her father's funeral and saw her maaadd young stepmama. Remember she asked homegirl how her father died. And young chick said, just after covering the ears of her little one: "On toppa me."
EWWWWW!!!! FUUUCCKKKK NOOO!!!! Ain't NOOOOOBODY checkin for nursing home meat.
Plus, look at that pic of him. How sexy is catchin Bell's Palsy while trying to make your "OH!" face?

(HEY! DON'T even fix your gums and tongue to mention Hugh Hefner and his Heffas Next Door. I'm convinced there's some "Weekend At Bernie's" type shit going on with that sitcho. But that's for another time...and another place. ;-D)

McCain is innocent! Plus, was Viagra poppin' then?!?!?!!! Cuz if he IS gettin' any, you know he's poppin' Blue Pills while workin wood wheel...chairs that is. ;-)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

In the world of Whitey...

We can't have NUTHIN! First black men (WHY'D they have to take Gary Coleman, lawd?!?! I ain't seen quality ASH on knuckles like that in DECADES! WHHHYYYYYY?!?!?!?!! Goodbye CRUEL WORLD!!! **puts butterknife to throat**), then weaves, baby daddy drama, and now cheap ghetto hair dye!!


Ghetto Bitches (Whatchu lookin around for?!!! You know who I'm talkin to! Any of y'all whose names end in -sha, -la, -ka, -ette, -ta, -ique, etc):
TELL ME that Cherry Cola-colored scalp and uneven color deposit aint a dead giveaway to the fact that Brit-Brit was in her kitchen mixing the finest of grape and "red" Kool-Aid packs into a Rubbermaid bowl and slathering it onto those "quality" Great Lengths lady "lovely" locks to get that Shaqueshaiyiah look?

Actually, I ain't even gon' hate. Besides the bootleg dye job, her hair ain't lookin half bad for a much needed change. She got that Michael Jackson layered look going on. HEHE! WHOOO!

THIS is the dude who had Amy gettin' "Urban" at the Grammys. Here's her "Blake who's in-caw-suh-ray-did." If this ain't a fiiiiiine piece of cemetary meat...I don't know what is!
Wipe him down with headstone and a lawnmower!
Oh! And a Kleenex. Cuz with that Rudolph the red nose, he MUST have a cold...riiiiigghhhttt?!?!!!

In bitches I'd like to fuck...SOOOOONNN as they hit 18 (No. R. Kelly!!) news:
Peep the successor to Oprah's throne (cuz I ain't leavin my BILLION DOLLA BABYGIRL ALONE no time soon!)

This lil young rich bitch could get it in front of my pastor!!! I'd lay her lil young WEALTHY ass on a bed of "OUR" thousand dolla bills and go to WORK! She'd get the BEEEEESSSSSTTTT of BOTH WORLDS, alright!!!