PubeTube

Whoopi Goldberg hosted a special segment of 'The View' inside model Tyson Beckford's---

NO?!!!

WHAT!!!!!!

Then...What in Flaw'duh Evans, Nappy Dugout-type FUCK SHIT is this?!?!?!

• And why wasn't I invited?
  
• And why is homegirl just standing there instead of deep-D diving?
  
• And why did I forget that I think Tyson is a PooPoo Pirate?
  
• But, why would I try it anyway?
  
• Why can I picture Tyson, Puffy, and Bentley playing a nekkid, ghey game of Twister?
  
• But why would I try it anyway?

Bristol Palin's Pussy Pumper

(above) Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's high school sweetheart and the reported father of her unborn baby.
(below) The Palin Family; Bristol on the far right.

I wouldn't let this jheri-curled, mophead, dead-eyed fool near my poosay...but apparently Bristol Palin did. And now plans to World-of-Curls his 'fro for the "rest" of her life.

More...

Happy Labor Day!

No, not you, my loyal SavvyFatty folks, but:

You!
"Juneau's Juno!"Bristol Palin
17-year old daughter of Alaska Governor and the GOP's Vice Presidental pick, Sarah Palin
And no, not this week's federal holiday that got my Venezias fitting like a second, thick, denim skin after eating far too much "poak" and "tayduh salad" while imbibing mixed drainks involving champagne, wine, and Cherry Tampico, (<<--Class, at its finest) but an ACTUAL labor day. April 18th of this year, to be exact.
Don't know what the HAIL I'm talking about?!
Follow me, nah!!
WAIT!
You can't...since for some odd, type-jainky "I SMELL A COVER-UP" reason, the Daily KOS story that was posted about the Desperate Housewives-"Bree Van De Kamp"-type situation involving Sarah Palin and her teen daughter has mysteriously disappeared!

But the long of the short is:
It's believed that Sarah Palin did not give birth to her fifth child, Trig Paxson Van Palin, who was born this past Spring with Down Syndrome. Instead her teen daughter, Bristol, reportedly secretly birthed the child and turned custody over to her parents to hide her transgression.
Read more here...

But now, since Gov. Palin and her pals are so Pro-Choice and Anti-Birth Control, Lil' Miss Premarital Pussy Pumpstress, has turned up knocked up AGAIN!
However this time, with the Senior Ms. Palin in the national spotlight, this pregnancy cannot be hidden or covered up with Baby Trig and his blankie.


*******
My opinion, in short:THIS is exactly what happens when you refuse to talk to your children about birth control. And when you sit so high on your Conservative High Horse thinking that it's impossible to even fathom that your child may slip up and get knocked up.

NEWSFLASH to parents with teenagers:Your son's dick will harden and your daughter's pussy will moisten and at some point it will find something to get into...or something to get into it. PLAIN and SIMPLE!
Believe me: I know!
Many moon'leniums ago, I was a teen with working parents, a lot of free time, and a bus pass that could take me to any one of my ex's homes at any given time of day or evening. I remember being HOT AS FUCK for my high school sweetheart(s) and rising EARLY in the morn to ride the bus across Southeast to see them and staying up late on the phone describing in GRAPHIC detail** what I was going to do to them the next time I saw them. (** And I always kept my promise...right, TAL and SLB?! HAHA!)

But real talk: Having a sex and/or birth control convo with your child has never decreased nor enhanced their desire to screw.
We're biologically designed to be attracted to the opposite sex. (Well, some of us. **side-eyes Puff and the rest of the Hip Hop Closet**) But there's nothing unnatural about the urge to fuck. It's in us all. The best thing a parent can do is equip their children, especially their teen girls, with the tools necessary to prevent an early or unwanted pregnancy.

The Palins went wrong by trying to hide Bristol's pregnancy; especially when trying to pass an obviously-unpregnant Gov. Palin off as being with child.Gov. Palin, right, pictured in her 3rd trimester while pregnant with her first first baby in 1989


Then, in her 3rd trimester with Baby Trig in early 2008
This cover-up and subsequent scandal could have easily been avoided with just a teeny-tiny ounce of what I like to call "Truth." Instead of being anti-birth control, they should have been Pro-Sex Ed. They should have discussed the consequences of unprotected sex as well as the consequences of getting preggo while Mommy is trying to be the Republican Hilly C. And since that NEVER happened, they are about to be grandparents for the second time...under the scrutiny of the entire country.

What the Right-Wingers refuse to realize while on their Moral High Horses is that there's not ONE family in this wide world that has not been affected by a teenage pregnancy and that being a teen parent does NOT mean you or your child are destined to not be be shit.
Hell, I'm a product of a couple of horny high schoolers, as are many of my friends, co-workers, aunts, uncles, great grandparents, cousins, etc.
Yes, I bring home a can of Tab and a Homies figurine every 2 weeks, but I think I'm doing pretty well, despite my humble, and oft-thought "shameful" beginnings. Yes! It is embarassing to have a pregnant child, especially when you've done everything in your power to raise that child "right." But like your ass after eating anything off a Taco Bell menu: SHIT HAPPENS!
The Palins could not control Bristol's actions, but they COULD HAVE controlled their reaction to her sitaution. And a cover-up was NOT the correct, MORAL thing to do which is why this situation brings about many questions regarding Sarah Palin's morals, especially since she's up for a position which would make her the second most powerful person in the WORLD.
As a person who could possibly (but HOPEFULLY NOT!) become her constituent, I needz to know:

• If you'll lie to the public about something as simple as a teenage pregnancy, what ELSE will you lie about?
  AND
• If you cannot keep your own daughter's legs closed, how can you help our daughters to remain chaste?

I've shared my views.
What are your thoughts and opinions on the Palin Pregnancy(ies)?

McCain in my AZZ!

In the immortal words of Thing 2 from "Flavor of Fuckery:"

FA REAL, FLAV?!?!?!!!!

Alaska Governor Palin is McCain's choice for VP

John McCain has chosen Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his vice-presidential candidate on the Republican ticket for the White House, a senior McCain campaign official has told CNN. The 44-year-old Palin, now in her first term as governor, is a pioneering figure in Alaska, the first woman and the youngest person to hold the state's top political job. More bullshitteration here...

The Republicans are some tricky azz bastards, mayne!! Opportunistic Douchebags who've sat back in the cut, ninja what!, and observed what the disgruntled "Hillarations" (<<--Hillary Clinton supporters) want more than anything in the long run: A woman reppin' in DC.

Fuck the fact that this woman will support a "regime" that has brought the US economy, environment and its reputation around the world down to the fiery pits of Hell. As long as there's tampons on the ticket, PUMAs and ignorant feminists just may cast a vote for Centrum Silver in November, leaving Obama to take his "celebrity" back to the Senate.

I'm fucking speechless right now, y'all. So I cain't. Nor will I.

So...talk amongst yourselves...in the comments, of course. **wink**

WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!??!!!

At the Comedic Crossroads

Actor/Comedian Bernie Mac, one of the Kings of Comedy, has died today, at the age of 50, from complications of pneumonia. Bernie leaves behind his wife Rhonda and a grown daughter Je'Niece.
Read more...

RIP B-MAC!!!! May you rest in Milk and COOKAYS, homay!!!

SCHWARZENEGGER...WHAT?!

You know I like to balance shit-talkin', celeb news, the random randomnousity of life, and high shit with serious, real life shit.

But right now, there's some TRILLA than Real Deal Holyfield shit goin' down like a ho' in China Town in the capital city of my state, Sac-Town.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed an executive
order that eliminates 22,000 government jobs and ordered that 200,000 state
workers receive the federal minimum wage until a state budget is approved.
The governor says the moves are necessary to avoid a "full-blown" fiscal crisis in California. (Source)

Word?!
Minimum Wage, dawg?! FEDERAL minimum wage, at that?


I honestly have no words for this. On some real shit, my azz is scared shitless since I'm currently slavin' as a local government employee. If shit like this can touch a State employee, it can most def touch my agency.
This is PURE insanity!
Please tell me how, in one of the most expensive states in the country, is a single person-let alone a family-going to survive on $6.55/an hour? With gas and food prices up, I don't see it. Not even for 1 paycheck. Shit's crazy.

What's worse is I don't see Arnie's pay going down to no dayum $6.55. What part of the game is that?
His pockets should be touchin' just like his employees. His ass cheeks should be tight thinkin' about what HIS kids are gonna eat that night. If it's good enough for the goose, it should be good enough for the gander.

This ain't right. No matter what part of the country you lay your naps, you should be as outraged and worried as us Californians are. If this shit can happen to Cali, a state ranking amongst the 10 largest economies in the world, it can happen to your state.

DON'T SLEEP, FOLKS!!!
Shit's about to get real trife REAL quick...EVERYwhere!!!

While we're worried about Rick Ross's fat, frontin', fugazi ass or about how Amy Winehouse is either a thirsty ass vampire or Mach-speedin' for the casket drop, the government is bending our disengaged asses over and giving it to us RAW with no vaseline.

Has it crossed your mind how celebrity gossip has increasingly infiltrated the mainstream media? How you can learn about high gas prices, the situation in Iraq, and Britney Spears's custody battle all within the same newscast? It's not a coincidence how they're trying to distract us from what's real. Pay attention!!
Turn ya flat screens away from sports, reality shows or music videos and tune in!

Quit breakin' ya necks for iPhones and Red Monkey Jeans
While The Gov. devise schemes to de-American Dreams
Please don't think that you're untouchable
Ain't 1 of us unfuckable
Keep worryin' 'bout celebs while The Gov pull out the rug from you
Less stuntin', dude
Less frontin', dude
More standin' up for somethin', dude
Who gives a fuck about ya bucks
Or 'bout who bust less slugs than you?
That's nuthin', dude!
Spit something new!
Like how P. Gramm give a fuck 'bout you
Like how banks is closin' and duckin' with ya duckets, dude!

******

That's really all I got for now. I'm curious about your thoughts on what's going on.

JonASS Whoopin'

Raise your hand if you ordered a SavvyFatty 2-piece combo with NO soda!!!!!



Dear Nick Jonas,
Let me start by informing you that NO weapon formed against me shall prosper; I'm more than a conqueror. **kisses 99-Cent Store Jesus Piece**
With that said, PLEASE...for the love of the curly brown pubes atop your dome, tell me you weren't behind this.

Before I hand you two front row tickets to the SavvyFatty gun show, let me explain where I'm comin' from.

I always tell My Mi that until she turns 18 and it's No R. Kelly that we're together, she can run the streets with her thugs and I'll be waiting for her.

But YOU, ninja. YOU?!?!
Unh UNH!!


Like a diet of strictly penises: I ain't havin' it! At least if she was gon' dip like a chip, she coulda did it with a fucka that is NOT capable of stunt-doublin' for the little girl in Paulie. Or Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer.

I mean, shit! I'm fully aware that my short munnay cain't compete with the fact that you and your "Shane" from The L-Word-lookin' bros are over there clockin' million$ like the Jolie-Pitts adoptin' (and birthin') chil'drun. I know I ain't nuhchin' but a lowly gubmit employee in a dirty Ac (-CORD that is) and you got lame-ridden teens and tweens spittin' that kitty water into their Doras.

So since you got the world at your powdery fingertips and I ain't shit but a BWP, I kindly ask that you refrain from effin' up my happy home.

Woman to Munchkin: Have you EVER been in love? Woman to Munchkin? Ain't this the same shit YOU woulda done?!

Snoop Kentucky Dogg

Ok.
So, yes, I HAVE been blowing my magical flute for a lil’ minute now.
Noooo, not the one that makes sweet music. The one that, with the help of a bag of magical oregano, takes my eyes from sensual and sexy to low and sleepy in the blink of a...well, eye.

However, like Britney’s sanity, that’s neither here nor there.

I just need someone to explain to me, in the Queen’s Ebonics, why has Snoop gon’ Country on a nizzle?<>



His gangsta broomstick lookin’ ass is up on my TV in a Lakers jerz and a cowboy hat, playin’ Dominoes with none other than Willie “High as a Kite since Texas Was a Republic” Nelson like it’s Goldic Loc or The Lady of Rage.


WTTobyKeithF?!??!
Was Shante too busy gettin’ her purve and swerve on to cockblock this tomfuckery? Or has Snoop finally realized that his lyric game has been on a swift and steady decline since the days of Doggystyle and that going Country may result in a major career upgrade?!

In Who's Ready To Go To Hell With Gasoline Drawls News

WHO in Jeezus's holy name would do such a thing?!



And if YOU laugh...you ain't NOOOOOOOOO better.
Now...excuse me while I go Ebay off my soul to the highest bidder while praying heavily for this lil' one...

A Dayum Shamie, Lynn Spears!!!

Early Thursday morning, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a lil' bastard baby girl. What do YOU think were the first words JLS's new baby, Maddie Briann (<<--For my true folks: Isn’t that ironic?) uttered once she shook that womb like running outta King Tut's tomb?
Savvy's Guess:
Where’s my No Limit chain and Pen and Pixels birth announcement, whoadi?!

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E.

Guess it's finally come to this, SF'ers.

**head in hands, type-dejected**

For the first time since I was a gotdayumed teen
Got my ass on SD Trans' wit' a mug on mean
Had to park the Honda fast
'Tro prices whooped my ass

Got a 16 gallon tank that I couldn't satiate
So I pump my Airwalk sneaks
Not my anti-lock brakes
The Land of the Free?
Please! Gimme a break
Cuz my Nell Carter game
On its way to deflate
Cuz I gotta beat my feet
'Steada beatin' down the street
Less I give ExxonMo my arm, leg, and my teef

The Home of the Brave
Got us livin' like slaves
How I'm government-paid
Yet livin' like min' wage?
1-fifty in a month outta buy me some stunts
Or a hunk in some Dunks
'Least a couple dozen blunts

Try to set my soul at ease
But ain't no comfort in the trees
Cuz I steady day dream of
Days livin' fancy-free
But now I'm payin' like I weigh
Since Bush owed his homies a solid
So they emptyin' my wallet
Sendin' they kids off to college
While I'm 5 a.m. bus pimpin'
On my way to make a livin'
They sittin' back, straight chillin'
Talkin, "Man! We made a killin'!'"
Well, enjoy it while you can
Takin' my life away from me
Play the country like dummies
You isle hop and fuck honeys
But remember one thang
While ya days still sunny
High hog livin' NOW but:
God DON'T like ugly!

Blue-Black Bluto is a BEAST!

...But instead of eye Pop'n, he was ear tusslin'.

Peep the 0:50 mark to see how that ear said, "I'm outta hEAR!"

For years, ever since I've seen Kimbo slicin' dudes on the 'Tube, I've thought anyone who'd fuck with Trick Daddy circa 2018 had to be off their muthafuckin' rocker like Betty with no Crocker.
But I guess cash ruled everything around James "Colossus" Thompson. Because after this nationally televised mollywhoopin' auditory assault, I have but one question:
Tell me how you 'posed to hear with no ear?!
Can't cheer
Can't jeer with no ear
No ear! No eaarrrr!

Jank-Z's 40/40 Club, Lost Wages

**loud-talkin' with my hand on my hip**

JAY-Z, JIGGA-MAN, J-HOVA, The GOD MC or whoever you are at this moment: I'mma need you to cut me a check and/or send me one of the many platinum-plated toasters or blenders I'm sure you received for your recent nuptials. I WASTED $$$, a pint of blood, and my time like Muslims waste swine at the Vegas incarnation of The 40/40 Club and I need to recoup, ninja!
If I had to rate the overall experience at 40/40, I'd give it a -5 stars.
The only reason I was hyped to go was because of Jay-Z's star power and to support a black businessman. **coughGIGANTORmistakecough**
The ONLY thing that saved it from getting a -1 vajillion stars was the atmosphere and decor. There were plenty of plush seating areas with flat screens everywhere. We were there to catch the Spurs/Lakers game and at every visual point there was a TV showing the action.
Oh, and shouts to whoever was timing the music to come on right when the game cut to commercial: BRAVO TO YOU!!! **pointer finger clap** Thanks for reminding us of whose house we were in by playing the Bey-Z anthology over and over...and over...and OVER again. Allow me to show my gratitude for hearing "03 Bonnie and Clyde" enough times to make me wanna hold MYYYY girlfriend tight.


And now the nominees for the Most Outstanding, Extraordinarily TERRIBLE Experience at a Las Vegas Spot for a Monetarily-Challenged Gubmit Employee:

No clear host station.
When we arrived we walked around aimlessly for a good 5 minutes until we saw people in 40/40 shirts. We asked where do we check in for our reservation (which we were told was NECESSARY. www.bullmuthafuckinshit.com) We were directed to a woman who was just standing around, dressed as we were; no name tag or 40/40 insignia. I told her we had reservations. She DID NOT ask our name; just how many were in our party. We were then walked in a FULL circle (in order to remain un-pissed, I called it a "guided tour" in my head) around the place to find somewhere to sit. We stopped at NUMEROUS spots before finally being seated in a cool ass space.



Food.
DON'T go hungry, poor, expecting greatness OR without your Incredible Hulk hands on deck. Menu was encyclopedia-heavy, mayne. Matter of fact: Don't even TOUCH the menu.

All you'll get is a half-assed attempt at UNSEASONED, hardly microwaved frozen food and a sorry pile of bullshit disguised as salad or a garnish on your plate.


We started off trying several appetizers. (Crab Cakes, Breaded Catfish Sticks, Buffalo Wings, The Picnic {should have been named the YUCKFUCK!}, and Cheese Bread.) EVERYTHING arrived LUKE-FRIGID except for the dry hot wings which were a work-with-able temperature.
"The Picnic" consisted of 2 fried deviled eggs (imagine wet cardboard. BLECH!) and about 5 hard, dry chicken sticks all for $12. I cut the roof of my mouth on one them gatdayumed things, too. But I quickly learned my lesson and tore apart the 2 that I COULD eat. I melted them in Ranch for a good minute or 5 JUST to be able to TASTE them.



The "cheese bread" was nothing more than Grocery Outlet-quality frozen deep dish pizza cut into 4 uneven sticks. It arrived to us looking like it had seen a ghost; PETRIFIED. It was cold, hard, and dry...and $8!! **tears** As a fat girl, I'll try anything ONCE, but just the sight of those 4 dead bodies saved me from several unnecessary calories. And for that, I'z grateful.

Service.
Our waitress was young, dumb, and full of "Umm..." Her ass didn't know SHIT. She even brought other tables' orders to us and basically asked us to pick what we ordered. I feel sorry for whoever had the cheese fries cuz there was a receipt buried under the cheese when we saw it. Mmmm!! Receipt-y goodness!!!!! [/sarcasm]

Be sure to pack your camel (no pun intended) thirst game. When requesting water to wash away the metallic taste of blood from the chicken shit assault, we were brought a toy tea set-sized carafe of water with lemon. I asked if we could have one without lemon and was told that it would take about 20 minutes. Water with lemon...INSTANTLY!! Water WITHOUT lemon...20 minutes! Ok...that made sense. [/sarcasm]
So, annoyed, I just cancelled the water and decided to live my life as a vampire.

Since water is a crap shoot, (and drinks are so jank-ridden, you'd be better sneaking a fif in your purse like I did!) you may not have to go pee-pee, but, unfortunately, I did. The bathrooms LOOKED nice. But skip le toilet if you're accustomed to such trivial things as cleanliness, toilet seat covers OR toilet paper! They'll be more on the floor or in the unflushed toilets than on the roll.

Shopping Bag Girl.
If she don't do nuthin', she gon' fall/Jugglin' menus, plates, glasses, tabs, shit we didn't order and all/Now go and get ya money lil' Shopping Bag Girl/Go and brang me some gotdayumed, mufuckin' wadduh, Shopping Bag Girl!!!!!
**calming down...regaining composure**
Besides the food and service, what annoyed us most was the plastic shopping bag of 40/40 paraphernalia the waitress carried.


I thought her azz was late and didn't have time to drop her things off before manning her stations. I asked what was she carrying and was told that they're MADE to carry souvenirs just in case patrons want to purchase them. My thoughts: "Ummm...whatever happened to a STORE?!"
Even though she wasn't worth her weight in Memphis Bleek CDs, I felt sorry for the girl as she juggled everything while trying to keep the crumpled bag on her shoulder.

*****

Overall, I just PRAY this is simply a franchise and hope H-to the Izzo is NOT directly in charge of or responsible for this fuckery.
But iffin' he IS: PLEASE BELIEVE I'mma Limewire-download and bootleg-sell EVERY SINGLE Def Jam, Roc-A-Wear, AND Destiny's Child (Sorry Kellz. I know you need the guap, but...) and all associated items so I can to get my $$$ back!!!!

Hot like FIYAH!

Ladies and gents, I'm in a terrible ass mood. Over a comedy ass dude (see pic above) who tried to play ME like a fool.
So here's a FUCK YOU! flow, a hot twenny fo', dedicated to that ho just to let that nigga know, "You NEVER was the onliest!" More like one of fo'! HAHA! ;-)

So...follow me nah...

Nigga you play me?
Really?...SILLY!
I free a nigga quicker
Than that whale they call Willy
I keeps my heart chilly
It’s ice pumpin’ through these veins
Feelings stay frosty frigid
Like a diamond-danglin’ chain
Nigga GOTTA be insane
Cain’t play a bitch who play
Cuz I just had some other dick
Just the other day!
I keep a contacts list
Full of rough and ready dicks
Shit a bitch can even switch
And dial a sexy azz chick
To give me heady quick
Strap up give me better dick
And now I'll say "BYE BYE!"
Like the chick that married Nick
Maaaan I ain’t even gon’ lie
Shed a tear or two from my eye
But I’m headin’ to the Pharcyde
And I’ll keep on passin’ you…BYE!

My panties say, " __________!"

After viewing the pics below, what are your panties thinking?

I'll be glad to share the thoughts of my bloomers panty'lones once they stop trying to hang themselves with the extra skin from my lower belly. **tears**

Dog the Nigger-Hating Bounty Hunter lookin' so sextastic I think I might weave myself a mullet.
photos sourceEnglish Singer/Songwriter Lily Allen showing the WIZZORLD that flat bellies are SOOOOO last year. '08 is the year for CLUB CHUB! Make some NIZZOOIIIIIISE!!!


*Yes, sweet Jesus: Those ARE Crocs! **tucking soul like an iced out chain**

photo sourceThere's ZERO WORDS in all of mankind's dictionaries and thesauruses to describe this shit right here, nigga.

**inhales...exhales**

Y'all hear that?!?!?!
**takes another deep breathe in...then exhales**
I kinda like doing that there...which is why I REFUSE to report on the fact that Marion "Suge" Knight, the West Coast's and music industry's resident strooonnnnnng arm steady, got KNOCKED DEE FUCK IZZOUT at Shag nightclub in LA this weekend.

Photo jacked from: TMZ

If y'all wanna know more...and ain't afraid of someone recording your IP address and showing up at your door with their dangling-yo-azz-from-a-20th-floor-balcony hands ON DECK, read more here...

Miss me

I ain't hardly in the motherbloggin' mood today.
I woke up at 2am with an em-effin’ sore throat and the MAAAD desire to stay in bed until 2pm...which I basically did.
If it wasn’t for having to call into work and get an actual LIVE voice since muhfuckas act like a voicemail won’t suffice (GRRRR!) AND having to move my car at the crizzack of dawn since the city is doing “upgrades” on my street (read that as: kicking up dust and not doin’ a muthafuck!) I might STILL be a citizen of Slumber City.

There's something ohso! therapeutic (and rebellious!) about laying around until I get good and gotdayumed ready to start my day and live my life. Ain't nothing better than saying a big, fat, “FUCK YOU!” to my alarm clock, rising earlier than the sun does, doing Frogger through traffic and the politics of working with some ( ) people.
Right now, if I could BK my life and have it my way, with plenty of money in the bank, shawty whatchu drank, I wouldn’t get out of bed for NOTHING short of the following:

Some REGULAR dickin’ by an 8 inch or BETTER cockasaurus. **salivating** I need that in my life!! Ain’t noooooo reason for this here drought season!! It’s a dayum shame that I was getting’ more dickage in my TEENS (Hi, mom!) when I had to sneak than I’m getting’ now that I’z a big girl with my own spot! I should be MC Hammer’in this biznitch and TURNIN’ THIS MUTHA OUT!! EFF!!! I’ll take that REGGIE BUSH dickin’ connected to a dark, ig’nit, lil’ sum’in from New Orleans (Slow down, baaayyyyybeh!), Philly (Eaaarrrrlllly!) or Jamaica, por favor.

The guys from Heatherette, Richie Rich and Traver Rains, calling me to see if I’d be the muse for their new plus size line, "Boobenesque." I'm talkin, muse, model, spokesbitch, and **gettin' far too big for my britches** equal pot'na. CHA-CHING!

Being a nightly fly on the wall in Jayonce’s “newlywed” love nest. Cuz I just GOTTA know how that’s goin’ down. Since Bey’s public image is SO controlled, I just picture ol’ girl goin’ WILD on Jigga’s pants pole, lacefront danglin' from the chandelier, while uncontrollably exclaiming, “NOW I JUS’ WANNA LUHV YA!”

An endless supply of Lane Bryant’s Passion lace-lined plunge bras. Since mine act like I got endless gubmit employee dough to spend and only have a shelf life of about 5 months. (GRRR!!!) So what that they only go up to a 44DD and I’m at LEAST a G!! (Yes, boys! **wank, wank**) I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t be stuffing Thing 1 and Thing 2 such a smizzall brizza, but the raw sexxxayness and overly abundant “Cleveland” that that ish makes is to DIE for!

An all expenses paid trip to every island in the Caribbean. With an 8’er or better eagerly awaiting my "arrival" (<-in more ways than one! **wank, wank**) at every port.

A 24 hour Glam Squad to give my ass a new look on the daily. Yeah, I’m gettin’ by with my kitchen azz glue-in and Wet N’ Wild cosmetic arsenal, but it’s time to step my gizzame izzup. The summer is rapidly approaching and I ain’t HARDLY tryna get caught coming off a waterslide with my weave in HAND rather than on my head like it was 2 summers ago. (Remember that Nas, Kita, T-Mama, and Angel?) **committing suicide**

But I'd forsake AAALLLL of the above for just a teeny drip drop of this:

Hell...times, like my unfondled nipples, is hard! I'd even take some of THIS!

Musted and Disgusted

Happy Friday, y'all!

It's MAY! Already! Seems like just yesterday I was standing around KISS-less **tears** at the stroke of midnight at the homies' New Year's Eve party.
But now that summer's almost upon us and the weather's gettin' hot, girls is dressin' less AND checking out the fellas to tell 'em who's best...I'm gettin' NOYVOUS, y'all.

For those of you with a NORMAL set of sweat glands, I'm sure you're eagerly awaiting the moment you can chunk DEUCES to the cold and all the chub-covering cozyness of winter clothes.
Well, CHEERS TO U! and your ability to go through a day WITHOUT turning your shirt into your own personal tea pot. Lucky effers! **pouts and shoots the jealous face**

To those of you, like me, with ig'nit ackin' pits, the kind that don't give a good gotdizzity that somebody's takin a 60 million pixels pic of yo azz so "PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEEEAAASSSE! DON'T put that ninja PIT STAIN in the flick cuz a bitch might wanna put this pic up on Da 'Spacer, dammit!"...here's a word of advice for ya: STAY IN YO' DEODORANT LANE!!!!


Follow me nah to about 2 months ago when I went to Wal-Mizzity to stock up on supplies for my new lil' cute place. (jeah!) Living alone is the BIZNISS for so many reasons...except for not having someone to share costs with. So in preparation to fly solo I had to make sure I had plenty of the necessities on deck since my bills were soon to skyrocket like a priest's pee-pee at a middle school wrestling match.

So imagine my happay face when I stumbled upon the deodorant aisle and see Suave havin' a 2-for $1.88 sale on their 24 Hour Protection Powder scent. I don't really use Suave, but a deal is a deal! "HAIL YES!" I say to myself cuz anytime a biatch can pinch some pennies, I'm ALLL about it. Let me scream and shout it!

So...Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago when the mild Cali Sunshine unexpectedly morphed into Hades. Thought I was straight with a deodorant defense on deck, right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

WRONG!!!!

MAN! If R. Kelly had a hit with Chocolate Factory, Suave has graciously bestowed upon me a Musty Factory. Instead of calling that shit 'DE-odorant,' and advertising, "24-hour Protection" (<--against FRESHNESS!) the package should read, 'RE-odorant' with the tagline: "Expeditiously making waste of your shower one must gland at a time!" **tears for wa$ted dough and the happy optimism of finding a deal**

So in short:
NEVER Trust a 2-for-1 "On Sale!"......cuz it could be POOOIIIIIII-ZUUUUNNNN!!!!

We're ALLL God's Chil'lunz

First thoughts when seeing this pic?! Anyone? ANYone?!

The first thought, besides frantically searching for a pen while shouting, "RUN ME HIS DIGITS ASAP! ASAP!!!" (I mean, DUH! Can we say "Obvious!!!!") was: "When Akon and Young Jeezy find time out of their busy hip hop-ruining schedules to make this lil' one?"

Now...meet me at the crossroads so you won't be lonely.

FREE babysittin' ain't always GOOD babysittin'

See.
This is 'zackly why you shouldn't leave your kids with people with nicknames. So what that Woop and Num-Num owe you a favor for letting them hide out in your house until that "lil' shit [blew] over." They should NOT be watching your kids, no matter how long you're gonna be at the club or getting your "nellz dee'id."
This shit right here is a crying shame. If you at the 9 to 5, be sure to turn your speakers lowwww cuz lil' Cornbread head is raw!