Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Jank-Z's 40/40 Club, Lost Wages

**loud-talkin' with my hand on my hip**


JAY-Z, JIGGA-MAN, J-HOVA, The GOD MC or whoever you are at this moment: I'mma need you to cut me a check and/or send me one of the many platinum-plated toasters or blenders I'm sure you received for your recent nuptials. I WASTED $$$, a pint of blood, and my time like Muslims waste swine at the Vegas incarnation of The 40/40 Club and I need to recoup, ninja!

If I had to rate the overall experience at 40/40, I'd give it a -5 stars.

The only reason I was hyped to go was because of Jay-Z's star power and to support a black businessman. **coughGIGANTORmistakecough**
The ONLY thing that saved it from getting a -1 vajillion stars was the atmosphere and decor. There were plenty of plush seating areas with flat screens everywhere. We were there to catch the Spurs/Lakers game and at every visual point there was a TV showing the action.
Oh, and shouts to whoever was timing the music to come on right when the game cut to commercial: BRAVO TO YOU!!! **pointer finger clap** Thanks for reminding us of whose house we were in by playing the Bey-Z anthology over and over...and over...and OVER again. Allow me to show my gratitude for hearing "03 Bonnie and Clyde" enough times to make me wanna hold MYYYY girlfriend tight.

And now the nominees for the Most Outstanding, Extraordinarily TERRIBLE Experience at a Las Vegas Spot for a Monetarily-Challenged Gubmit Employee:

No clear host station.
When we arrived we walked around aimlessly for a good 5 minutes until we saw people in 40/40 shirts. We asked where do we check in for our reservation (which we were told was NECESSARY. We were directed to a woman who was just standing around, dressed as we were; no name tag or 40/40 insignia. I told her we had reservations. She DID NOT ask our name; just how many were in our party. We were then walked in a FULL circle (in order to remain un-pissed, I called it a "guided tour" in my head) around the place to find somewhere to sit. We stopped at NUMEROUS spots before finally being seated in a cool ass space.


DON'T go hungry, poor, expecting greatness OR without your Incredible Hulk hands on deck. Menu was encyclopedia-heavy, mayne. Matter of fact: Don't even TOUCH the menu.

All you'll get is a half-assed attempt at UNSEASONED, hardly microwaved frozen food and a sorry pile of bullshit disguised as salad or a garnish on your plate.


We started off trying several appetizers. (Crab Cakes, Breaded Catfish Sticks, Buffalo Wings, The Picnic {should have been named the YUCKFUCK!}, and Cheese Bread.) EVERYTHING arrived LUKE-FRIGID except for the dry hot wings which were a work-with-able temperature.
"The Picnic" consisted of 2 fried deviled eggs (imagine wet cardboard. BLECH!) and about 5 hard, dry chicken sticks all for $12. I cut the roof of my mouth on one them gatdayumed things, too. But I quickly learned my lesson and tore apart the 2 that I COULD eat. I melted them in Ranch for a good minute or 5 JUST to be able to TASTE them.


The "cheese bread" was nothing more than Grocery Outlet-quality frozen deep dish pizza cut into 4 uneven sticks. It arrived to us looking like it had seen a ghost; PETRIFIED. It was cold, hard, and dry...and $8!! **tears** As a fat girl, I'll try anything ONCE, but just the sight of those 4 dead bodies saved me from several unnecessary calories. And for that, I'z grateful.

Our waitress was young, dumb, and full of "Umm..." Her ass didn't know SHIT. She even brought other tables' orders to us and basically asked us to pick what we ordered. I feel sorry for whoever had the cheese fries cuz there was a receipt buried under the cheese when we saw it. Mmmm!! Receipt-y goodness!!!!! [/sarcasm]

Be sure to pack your camel (no pun intended) thirst game. When requesting water to wash away the metallic taste of blood from the chicken shit assault, we were brought a toy tea set-sized carafe of water with lemon. I asked if we could have one without lemon and was told that it would take about 20 minutes. Water with lemon...INSTANTLY!! Water WITHOUT lemon...20 minutes! Ok...that made sense. [/sarcasm]
So, annoyed, I just cancelled the water and decided to live my life as a vampire.

Since water is a crap shoot, (and drinks are so jank-ridden, you'd be better sneaking a fif in your purse like I did!) you may not have to go pee-pee, but, unfortunately, I did. The bathrooms LOOKED nice. But skip le toilet if you're accustomed to such trivial things as cleanliness, toilet seat covers OR toilet paper! They'll be more on the floor or in the unflushed toilets than on the roll.

Shopping Bag Girl.
If she don't do nuthin', she gon' fall/Jugglin' menus, plates, glasses, tabs, shit we didn't order and all/Now go and get ya money lil' Shopping Bag Girl/Go and brang me some gotdayumed, mufuckin' wadduh, Shopping Bag Girl!!!!!

**calming down...regaining composure**
Besides the food and service, what annoyed us most was the plastic shopping bag of 40/40 paraphernalia the waitress carried.


I thought her azz was late and didn't have time to drop her things off before manning her stations. I asked what was she carrying and was told that they're MADE to carry souvenirs just in case patrons want to purchase them. My thoughts: "Ummm...whatever happened to a STORE?!"
Even though she wasn't worth her weight in Memphis Bleek CDs, I felt sorry for the girl as she juggled everything while trying to keep the crumpled bag on her shoulder.


Overall, I just PRAY this is simply a franchise and hope H-to the Izzo is NOT directly in charge of or responsible for this fuckery.
But iffin' he IS: PLEASE BELIEVE I'mma Limewire-download and bootleg-sell EVERY SINGLE Def Jam, Roc-A-Wear, AND Destiny's Child (Sorry Kellz. I know you need the guap, but...) and all associated items so I can to get my $$$ back!!!!


Anonymous said...

lol... Girl don't trip I was right at home in that conversation...*wink*..... dan-ye-zee

afro jamaicano said...

omg i luv this fuggin blog. i dont say that after reading one post, buh i can honestly say ima be bak to catch up on more foolywang in the future.

was jay-z in the house? naw he was gettin married or in france or combing out bey's yaki ponytails.

ur experience at 40/40 reminded me of the episode of the cosbys where bill cosby took rudy and her frins to that fancy restaraunt and they ended up getting "circus burger" from across the street. let's just hope there was a wendys or burger king near the 40/40 haha

Saun said...

I don't know you but after reading this post I think I've developed my first official girl-blog crush. The "luke-frigid" and "petrified" comments just filled my heart with joy and sunshine. I'm adding you to my daily reads.

Sorry to hear you lost your dough at that spot. I learned my lesson about celeb spots after I went to Justins and Puff tried to get me for $25 for a piece of catfish and some greens.

Lil' Creole Pimp said...


"Your going to Hollywood"

That was refreshing... You're great. You're just great.

No clear host station?

When I walk through the do' I prefer to be carded, patted down, stopped, harassed or something. If I can just walk into a "nice" establishment and nobody questions my walking 'round looking lost then something is wrong.


I woulda lost all my damn cool. I woulda made the waitress bring the chef out so I could personally ask him if he would eat that shit. Two things I don't play bout: my money and my food. If you think I'm fucking 'round play with it. I keeps Incredible Hulk Hands on stand-by. And a bottle of Ranch on me, right next to the hot sauce. 'Specially when I'm going to dine-in.


Let's just say I woulda made the waitress tip me. 20 minute water. I better be able to sell that shit at the pawn shop or trade it in for a Roc-A-Fella chain or something. I woulda told them, "FUCK YO' LEMON NINJA, FUCK YO' LEMON!" like I was Rick James bouncing on Charlie Murphy's couch.

Shopping Bag Girl?

That's just a damn shame. I'd a been quit if you ask me to haul 'round a bag of bullshit ain't nobody buying. Fuck yo' goody bag, ninja. Fuck yo' goody bag.

Thanks for the heads up. I will gladly steer clear of anything 40/40 in the future.

I need you to guest post for me over at LCPC.

C. Baptiste-Williams said...

simply hilarious

Kitty said...

LOL. You are too funny. Guess I won't be going to the 40/40. You're def not the first person that I've heard give this place a craptastic review. Great post!

Max said...

I came thru here via Fresh at C + D and I gotta say that I ain't even read the post yet and you had me at POP OFF! I've already added you to my favorites.

You shoulda shouted POP OFF! as soon as old girl told you lemon-free water was gonna be 20 mins.

@Lil Creole Pimp: Good job on making me snort real loud in the cube farm. You know The Man don't like it when we make loud noises in the office. It makes them think revolution done started and it's their ass.

Daiwu-DaiTime Japan said...

All I can say is WOOOOOOOOOOW! And to think I was hoping the Tokyo one would open. Well if by luck the Japanese will be running it and the service will be marvelous along with the food and decor! You have me dying by your writing! Great review and exactly how I want to hear it!

mzvirgo said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO! See, I was in Vegas last year, thank god I didn't go in there! Thanks for the review!

Anonymous said...

Ha-DAYUM-Larious...was planning that fantabulous trip to Vegas for the phenomenal numero 30, yet another spot to pass up.

Ms. Giggles said...

I just learned about your blog today from the C&D website. This by far is the funniest shizznit I have read in a very long time. I was literally laughing out loud. If anyone should be writing reviews, it needs to be you. Keep up the great blogging. You just gained a new reader!

Sane said...

Yo Sav! As always with you, I laughed until I damn near wet my trousers!!! You and ONLY you can tell a story like this, I flatlined on so may entries. The dry store pizza cut into 4 perfect squares had me on the floor holdin' hard onto my side. I wish there was a way you could send this to 40/40's website under reviews 'cause they should know about this debacle. FINALLY, my girl gettin' some well deserved shine!

S A V V Y Fatty!...uhhh...DUH! said...

Maaaannnn! SHINE?!?! WHAT?!?!
That ain't just Shyne. . .That's Puffy, Biggie, Total, Craig Mack AND Gina Thompson. (<-May God bless her wherever she may lay)

I'm still in disbelief!!! See ya later on WI!
~Savalier ;-p

rissa said...

omg another bandwagon jumper from C + D. I saved you to my favorites immediately. I think I even internet-like you. I was laughin so dag on hard, I got the side eye from my sup.

Anonymous said...

I was giving Jay-z the benefit of the doubt, until....a receipt in the fries? That is UNACCEPTABLE. He needs to make a few surprise visits to his clubs to monitor what's going on. Bad business practices can hurt your rep. You could have gotten better food/service going through the Backyard Burgers drive through.

S A V V Y Fatty!...uhhh...DUH! said...

**in my best Flavor of Love 2's Like Dat voice**

Awww, y'all know how to make a sista feel REEEALLLL good!!!!!

Nessia said...

C+D really brought the readers to you and I am here to stay. Your review of 40/40 was SO on point, that shit is the same no matter the location, in NY or AC and now I see, in Vegas as well. Jay-Z needs to step his game up cuz that is overpriced crap he got goin on in there.

b said...

got the link for C+D and OMG i laughed so hard...wiping the tears away. Wooooooow dammm my guttz are hurting.

Ambrosiality said...

read this on balleralert & cracked up. The food looks so nasty, I'd rather go to waffle house.

Anonymous said...

just thought i would comment too -- i read your review over at C&D and had to come check out your blog. i then spent probly an hour going back and reading thru some of your other posts: HILARIOUS. keep up the good work, girl! i now have another site to check on the regular :)

Anonymous said...

WOW- well suffice it to say that the NY 40/40 is similar. It's not as large where you will wander aimlessly for a hostess. But the food and service is EQUALLY terrible. 40/40 is a place you go to see people or to be seen- you don't go to eat..

Mandii Nichole said...

*scratches 40/40 off my "places to visit" list*

Hove...I am deeply saddened =/