Thursday, January 31, 2008

Like Helen Keller...

...I ain't really got much to say today.

Still shopping for the perfect items for my new little place. Hitting up various decorating and small space blogs to see how I can PIMP MY STUDIO!

Also, been hitting up Craigslist seeking a part time gig cuz a beeyatch is BROKE.
So...don't be surprised if you see ya Savvy Fatty in Erotic Services kneeling on a cheap motel room bed, sportin' a crooked silky straight wig, red and black nightie, white fishnets, and clear heels holding a white teddy bear with a red heart talking about,
"Creamy Caramel BBW to keep you warm for these cold, lonely nights. Outcalls only! Purrfectly priced! Starting at 150 Roses an hour. Don't hesitate to call! *6*1*9*9*7*6*C*H*U*B*"

**singin and almost cryin** I said it's HAAAWWWWD OUT HEA' FO' A PEEUMP! When you tryna get this money for the rent...and a Chipotle Barbacoa burrito...and a Caribbean Passion Jamba Juice...and some skinny jeans in my size...and a new couch...and a new bed...and ANYTHING from!!!!!!!


**OH! Check out the new clock on the bottom of the blog, snitches! Ain't it hot?!??!?! Well actually it's cold...served fresh I mean.
It's SUSHI!!! (<--just like a fat girl, right?!?!?!!)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Rug Lovin'

I'm as excited as homecoming queen getting her period, mayne!!!!!!

I just LOVE a fresh start and my new little cute studio apartment is just the refresher I need right now!

I'm going DECORATING CRAY-ZAY! Can't wait to spruce up the already cute little place, with its hardwood floors and brand new paint! Even though it's cute, please believe I always gotta put a lil' Savvy Fatty stank on it!

Ok...look at these things from 2Modern that are making me insane in the membrane they are so GAW-JUS!

**salivating uncontrollably**
Look at the X-shaped rug! This would go POI-FICK in my (planned) all-white living room! I can see the contrast now and I'm in LUST!
Now...if I could only find the 'S' and the 'E' shaped rugs to match... (heheheheheeee!)

I'd sit this cute lil' yellow Damask-printed pillow in my white Tulsta Ikea chair.

Picture this pink lady lookin HAWT! mounted in a shiny silver frame over my black or white couch. **tongue wagging, shirt soaked**

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

1 Score and Eight Years ago...

Yes! I've been wreaking havoc and running amuck for nearly that long! **tears** I'm getting ANCIENT!!
Wipe me down with a rewind button, Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em cd, some Teen Spirit, a pair of L.A. Gear Hiking Boots and a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket!!!!!!!!!!
**pouts and indignantly screams** HELL!!!! WIPE ME DOWN WITH THE EARLY to MID 90s!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...the day that my mom became the 1979 version of Jamie Lynn Spears is almost upon us. For those of us in our **gasps, chokes on spit and almost faints** late 20s, doesn't it seem like the years ZOOOOOMMMM by, Speed Racer-style, after you hit 25? I the only one who still feels 16 or 17?!?!?!
Could I still show my school ID and get student discounts?
Could I still get on the school bus, hand the driver a copy of my So So Def Bass All-Stars tape, and tell him to play #2 or #4?
Could I still dance happily, merrily, and carelessly in the Quad (shout to all my Madhouse alum!) to songs I taped off the radio and not be tackled, hogtied and drug off campus in handcuffs?
Could I still fuck with those sexxxay, FINE ass boys who I see walking to bus stops in the morning?!??!!!?
Ok...let me stop. **turning my Michael Jackson'ometer off**

Anywhoo...since it's almost 28 years and 9 months from the day my dad had a "better" after-school activity for my mom than simply doing homework, I thought you might be interested in what I'd like to celebrate my day right. (That ISSSSS what you were wondering, right....RIGHT!) to those of you with $$$ to spend on your favorite fat girl, here's my bday list. Oh! And if you don't want to limit yourself to these items, I'm AAAALLLWAYS open to a Target, Wal-Mart, Lane Bryant, or Torrid gift card. Hell, I'd even be happy with a Shell Station gift card! I ain't too picky. You know it's HAAAARRRRD out hea' for a peeump!

**writing bday wish list with a Grape-scented magic marker**

I want an oatmeal colored upholstered bed from Target...

A black and white printed accent chair...

OR a Bemz slip cover for my Tulsta chair in New Baroque Jet Black...

and an egg rug for my new kitchen (YES! I'm moving! Found a great place of my VERY OWN!)

and a pair of cream ankle booties.

Oh! And a big booty billionaire type biatch named Oprah laying on my bed under a sheet of hundred thousand dollar bills! (<--cuz you know her and Bill Gates got 'em...drippin like water!)

It's going down! This Sunday, FEBRUARY 3rd! (Man! Eff a Super Bowl if my Chargers ain't in it! Damn you, Patriots! Damn you to HECK!!!!!!)

Not only a co-star...

...but also a student of the Photobucket
Spray! Spray ONNNNN!!! Academy for Those with more Fo'Head than Hairline.

CJ Sanders (Jamie's young co-star in 'Ray')

Peep the textbook:

Ladies: See what we dun' started?!?!?! We wanted equal rights to men and they gave them. Now men want equal rights to our shit. Ninjas want weaves...uhh...ummm...weaves....or, I guess.... "Spreaves?"

What a father's dreams are made of!


No. Words. Mouth. And. Eyes. Closed. In. Order. To. Avoid. Oral. And. Ocular. Sugah. Diabetes. Infection.

**whispers and talks real fast** Iwontfront.TheyfashiongameisTYPETIGHT!

____________ (flatline)

photo courtesy of Crunktastical

PLEASE tell me the flower girl was an extra in Honey, I Blew Up the Kids!!! Cuz that would be the only ACCEPTABLE reason for her to be lookin like she's 33 years old! I thought flower girls were supposed to be GIRLS, not women! Where's the flower boy?!??! He's probably somewhere collecting Social Security. Dammit!!!!
And what's up with homegirl in the flip flops??!?! Does she NOT recognize what a camera is? And what memories are made of?! And what CLASS and DECORUM is?!?!? And... **fanning self in order for blood pressure to remain at a liveable rate**

Blue Magic trippin the Light Fantastic!

photo courtesy of Crunktastical

Look at Edday trying his damnedest to enjoy a HETERO bump and grind **whispers** for a change. Seems as if he ain't enjoying it TOOOOO much. Peep how he's lookin past homegirl, trying to see if Johnnay is wrapping some body's tight in the distance. Don't he know...his boy wants to PAWDEE AWL DA TIME! PAWDEE AWL DA TIME! PAWDEE AWL DA TIIIIIME!??!!!!

Is it me...or do you think homegirl is getting a HEAPIN' HELPIN' of the scent of Johnnay's boohootay meat being all up in Edday's face like that?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Getting to know ME...

Good morning, my loyal Savvy Fatty readers! It's a GLORIOUS (Yes! WONDROUSLY GLORIOUS!) Monday morning and my mind is oh so consumed with butterflies, rainbows, Lisa Frank school supplies, Calla lilies, Frye Boots, a Kooba purse, and a gift certificate to to think of a topic to write about.
"Why?" you ask?!?!?! Well...The man that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOOOOOVE so much spent the WHOLE weekend with me...uninterrupted by impromptu conference or family calls. It was just me and him and an endless supply of baked macaroni and wine. Ahhh...LOVE! So MANY people use your name in vain!

So...since I'm in such an amorous haze while puffy hearts and silver glittery stars are shooting from my every orifice, this survey will suffice for a topic and/or news, riiiiggghhhttt?!?!?!?!!!

So...get to know something about the fat girl's FAAAVVORITE fat girl!

1. Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating?
Ummmm...Isn't that what being a 20-something is AAALLL about?!??!

2. Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and 'friend'?
Dayum right! BEST friends are for jr. high school girls wanting to pass notes back and forth in class and say stupid shit like "BFFs FOREVER!" Friends are there to remind you to protect yourself when you've decided to leave the club with that tall dark and handsome something who was bumping and grinding on you all night long!

3. Have any of your guy friends ever admitted to liking you?
Yup. They'd be fools NOT TO! Look at all this juicy deliciousness!

4. Do you miss anyone?
Yes and no. Yes, however he's marrying that OTHER bitch. (ick!) And NO because he just left me little piece of ghetto heaven a couple hours ago. (Yeah, I'm talking 2 DIFFERENT "He's" AND?!?!?!!!)

5. Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone?
Yes. It was right now...and now...and especially NOW!

6. Who's the last person of the opposite sex that gave you a hug?
My baby DP2

7. Who is your celebrity crush?
OPRAH! **heart pounding 1 billion miles per hour** (<--that's one MPH for each of her dollars. JEAH!)

8. Can you touch your toes?
Damn right! The skrippa in me can do ANYTHING!

9. Do you know anybody who was abused?
Emotionally, yup. Bitches are weak!

11. Is silence really golden?
Damn right it is! But living under a family of 7 with a DOG and 50 million CONSTANTLY visiting relatives, I don't know what that is anymore!

13. Are you afraid to grow up?
No. Afraid to pay bills and be responsible for my actions: DAMN RIGHT!

15. Can you count past 100?
Don't think so, especially since my check is never past this amount.

16. What's up with the numbering of this survey.
Don't know. You tell me. You're the one who passed 4th grade, right?

18. If you had to marry someone on your top friends list on Myspace, who would it be? Xtina...cuz I heard she got good credit and I PERSONALLY know she got a FATTY! HAHAAHAHAAAA!!!!

19. Do you care what people think of you?
Sometimes, I do. I won't lie. I always want ya daddy to think I'm the HOTTEST biatch he can spend his Social Security check on!

20. Would you call yourself smart?
If I was smart I wouldn't be sitting at a job making a friendship bracelet and a subscription to Highlights magazine for a living.

21. Do you like to read?
Love it! Especially if it's a text message from ya daddy! Oooh, that man!! Ain't nothing like the smell of OLD SPICE on taco meat in the morning!!! LAAAWWDDD!

22. Do you own a pair of Nikes?
Sure don't! If they don't sell them in the bin at the 99 cents store, then they AIN'T for me!

23. Have you ever touched an elephant?
No, but your daddy has. **looking in his wallet at that pic of ya mama**

24. Plans for tomorrow?
Wake, dress, drive, work, drive, contemplate late-late-late-late term self-abortion, sleep.

25. Is anything wrong?
What is right?!?!!

26. Would you kiss anyone on your Myspace top friends list?
Already have. 2 of them...PASSIONATELY! Back of the head grabbin and all!

27. Do you want to go to college?
I want to go back eventually. Can't be a dumbass the REST of my life.

28. What are you listening too?
The sound of my boss typing a personal email when she thinks WE THINK she's working hard. BEEYATCH PUHLEEZ! Professional emails don't require FLASH and ducks hugging hearts-GIFs saying "You're the BESTEST!" Bitch! Don't ack!

29. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?
Parents?!?!? What are those?!?!? Are those the people who'd lay 67 pennies on the counter and call it "lunch money?" IN THE 90s?!?!? When a bag of Hot Cheetos was 99cents!

30. What did you do for your birthday?
It's ALMOST my birthday!! So save your tax refunds and hook a fatty up!

31. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Getting the most wonderful sleep right next to my babe.

32. Name something you CANNOT wait for?
To jump start this music shit, SavvyFatty to pop off to the masses, and to buy a house!

33. What's your favorite season?
Onion Salt, duh!
**re-reading question while tryning NOT to be such a fat ass** Ohhh! I mean SUMMER!

35. Last thing you ate/drank?
Eat Drink Man Woman. Hahahahaa! Just kidding. A chicken tamale and a Nestle PureLife. Mmm! MMM! Good!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Frankie & _______'s Babygirl

photo courtesy of

Is it just me...or is anybody else experiencing a sudden hankerin' for a bowl of salted tortilla chips and boogaz?

Neutrogena AND Vaseline called...

photo courtesy of

Dear Jamie-
**quietly and solemnly hands over a bottle of Baby Oil Gel**
Remember: Don't leave home without it.

Yours truly, Savvy Fatty

PS: Can we discuss the reservoir tip atop your dome? And the Dead Councilmens get up?

Please bow your heads and join hands


**pulls Rx pad out of tittays expeditiously prescribes heavy doses of**

Thundercats Game PROPPA!

Tell me this fool ain't about a LION-O lookin muddasucka...
**in a super hero stance singin** THUNDA-THUNDA-THUNDA!!!!!!
Is it just me...or are those eyes piercing the very DEPTHS of your soul, too?!?!?!?!! I bet he knows WHO I did last summer. **mad shook face**
photo courtesy of
William Romeo aka "Mayhem" from American Gladiators

Lion-O...Willy Ro's cartoon A-alike


Right now, she's my inspiration since I'm dibblin' and dabblin' in writing and producing Hip Hop. So I GOTZ to show her some HIP HOP BIG GIRL lovin'...but not TOOOOO much.
Don't want Tweet knockin on my door, talkin 'bout some, "OOOPS! There goes my fist across your dome! OH MYYY..."
You get the rest. **wank, wank**

Chicken Noodle Soup...

With a soda on da siiiiide/Now Let's get it/Let's get it/Let's get it...
America's Next Top Corpse: Amy Winehouse.
Death Countdown Clock: 64 days, 10 hours, 13 minutes, 7 seconds...6 seconds...5 seconds...

Ex One to the NEXT ONE!

For those who ever wondered...Wonder no more!
Finally we get to see the results of pouring Aladdin's obviously jizz-filled genie bottle onto a porn star's landing strip.
photo courtesty of
Doctor to proud parents: "Congratulations! It's an opportunistic douchebag!"
Adnan Ghalib. Britney's new K-Farsi.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

What every single girl's dreams are made of...

Just when I thought I was having a BAAADDD day. When my world was crumbling around me. When I felt my weave was tangled, mangled and loose and my already double chin was inviting another layer over to join in the fun...I see this!...and **singing like Billy Ocean** SUDDENLYYYYYY my day is full of sunshine and rainbows and endless bottles of Wilson's Creek Moscato held by a half-nekkid and smiling, and 'ever-ready' Idris Elba.
photo courtesy of

Is it just me...or do the colors in this photo remind you of the sheer tastiness of a rotting umbilical cord?!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Want of the Week!

I'm ready to KIIIIIILLLLL for these boots!
(Available at

Just plain HOTNESS!
Picture them matched with Photobucket + Photobucket
(Available at
and a whole lotta "Yeah, I'm dat biiiatttch!" attitude. Maaaannnn!!!

Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em!

(Oh...feel free to steal this look. I've been involuntarily dressing biatches for YEARS. Why
shouldn't you hop on the train, too?!?!!!)

The SKIPPED WORK Twurk! Pt. 3

photo courtesy of

You knooooowwwww what Johnnay was singing as soon as he got word that Tracey and his man Edday had called it quits:
"He's Mine!/Mine!/MIIIINE!/Mine Mine Mine Mine!/My doodoo shoot gon' get WERKED toniiiiiggghhhtt!

It's always good when love finds its way home, right?

Sidenote: Is it just me...or don't Eddie got that "CAUGHT!" look on his face?

The SKIPPED WORK Twurk! Pt. 2

photo courtesy of

YAAAYYYY!! **bitin my lip while doin a Temptations 8-step**
No more nappy ice cream cake on his dome!!!!!!!

**wishin on a star while hopin against hope**
NOW...If ONLY we could do something about that handlebar shitlock atop his lip. Then we'd REEEAAALLLYYYY be on to somethin.


ZOEY KRAVITZ (you know..."Denise" from the Cosby Show and Lennay Kravitz's baby girl)
photo courtesy of

Errr...ummm...sooooo...uhhhh...**scratching head while pondering**

Should we celebrate her individuality...or check her piss E-MEE-TREE-IT-LEE?!!!?!!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Post-Work TWURK!

**photo courtesty of

**writes Rx for**:
Photobucket , Photobucket , Photobucket , Photobucket

**photo courtesy of

IS there a such thing as late, Late, LATE-term abortion?!??!! If so...**dialin Mama Jon so she can exercise her options**
YIKES! I've seen more attractive miscarriages. :-s

**photo courtesy of via

Look at Soot. All dressed up...and no chimney to clog up.
Somewhere there's a magician's casket and gravesite open like a muhfucka waitin for that hat to return.
**dialin Mama Pain to see if she wants to jump on the thousandth trimester abortion train**

I got the BLUES!

And no...I don't mean the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese blues either. Even though that does sound DE-LECT-ABLE...especially with a little sprinkle of parmesan and Louisiana hot sauce added over the top for a lil kick. Ooh! And some Bacon bits. OOHHH!!!...and some...HOLD UP!!!! **calming and quieting my inner AND outer fat kid so I can kindly go on with my morning without being charged with attempted murder for putting an eye out with the button from my jeans**

It's Tuesday...the day after a 3-day weekend. Like I said yesterday: SHOUTS to my brotha MLK!! For the civil rights AAAANNND the extended weekend. ;-)

However...with all of that comes a mild case of the "Returning to Work After a 3-day Weekend" Blues. Photobucket
Like I said, it's a mild strain, but it's taking its toll on ya girl nonetheless. I had the WORST time getting out of bed this morning. Probably because I wasn't in my own (**wink, wink** OOOHHH YEAH!! K-Ci! JoJo!!!!!!) and probably because I was MILES away from home with no flatiron, lip liner, lip gloss, bronzer...NOTHING! I was closer to work than I was to home, so I said SCREW IT! Why drive all the way home to drive all the way back this'a'way? EFF THESE FOLKS!!! If they don't like my 5th member of The Beatles bedhead look mixed with Mary's "Just Fine" hair, then SCREW EM!!! I don't come to work to be America's Next Top Fly Azz Co-worker! I come here to make just enough dough to afford HALF of a 25 cent box of Boston Baked Beans from the ice cream man every other week. That's MYYYYY motivation! EFF THE REST! I roll into work on TIME for a change. (One of the benefits of screwing someone who lives a mile away from the workplace! OWWWW!!!!)
Since I was not "up" yet, I snuck in the back door to avoid an unwanted and unnecessary convo with our building's security guard. He's the sweetest old man. (emphasis on "old." I swear I saw his yearbook and it was written in Photobucket, please believe it!) I don't mind talking to the MIDDLE of the week. It's just some mornings, especially after the weekend and/or a holiday, I DO NOT feel like laying down the weekend's itinerary for him. Especially after the weeeknd I just had. there EVER an appropriate way to tell a 80+ year old man that you spent most of the weekend FAAAAAYYYY-DID and bent over a...SEE! Can't even tell you guys! So how could I relay that to my elder?!?!?!

So...I ducked in the back door. That way I can enter my office without having to pass the security desk. GREAT! Convo averted...right?!?!?!?

WRRRROOONNNNGG!!! Guess who was lurking in the space between the back hallway entrance and my office door?!?!?! DING! DING! DIIIIINNNGG!!! YES! Sir Talks Alot! EFFFFFFF!!!!
DAMMIT! We made eye contact so I haaaaad to speak. I said a quick good morning while still hightailing it towards my door, badge out in front of me to wave in front of the sensor as soon as I approached it in order to make a quick getaway.

Convo went like this:
Me: **half-spirited** GOOD MORNING!
STA: Hey, hun! Good morning! How are you this morning! How was your weekend?!!!!!!
Me: GREAT! **badge waved and accepted, door pushed open...SAFE!** wasn't TTTHHAAATTT bad. But I always feel guilty. Afterall, he did play on Moses's commandment throwing team. Photobucket He was right there with God offering up his opinion about how many days he should work on 'Project: Earth.' I mean...I'm just saying.

That's it! I'm SPENT! (No! Reeeeaaaaally this time! Told you where I was yesterday, last night aaaannnnd this morning.) Picture me 'afterglowin.' AAAAANNND picture me wantin to do it all over again! OOOWWWWW!!!!!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

**singin** Cuz I need SOMEBODYYYYYYY...

Happy MLK Day, my folks! Photobucket Shouts to the Dream and us needing to live it DAILY! (Including me! Cuz when I get stuck in traffic behind the WRONG car or when I'm in Wal-Mart just simply trying to live my life...I can turn into Photobucketfa real!!!!!Don't let my man's marches, speeches, and the people's sit-ins be in VAIN! And to those who still are on that racism and discrimination shit, just remember: CONTENT OF THE CHARACTER!
**Oh...and here's a funny to counter that negativity I spewed above:

Ok...**gettin out map and finding my city**
Last time I checked, I lived in Southern California. Always sunshining, mild weather, not a cloud in the SKY Southern California. Where it's hardly EVER jacket weather in the daytime. My city is the SHHH--I mean...a 10! Ehhh! A 10! My city is a 10!!!!!
Well...not today because guess's raining!
**dialin Photobucketand bitchin about false advertisement** it just me (and my girls) who get that "Lovin' Feelin'" in this kind of weather? It's just something about the cold, hearing rain falling on the concrete, the moisture against the windows and the grey of the skies that makes me want to Photobucket
And ask my friends: I am NOT that kind of girl. I'm more of a 'Wham Bam! Thank you, man! Now...uhhh...Don't you have somewhere to be other than on top of me?' Photobuckettype of girl. (that pic is HILARIOUS! Shouts to them South Park dudes!)

But not today. Not in this weather.
I feel like being the sixth (or 7th...depending on how you look at it) member of New Edition right now cuz I'm wantin to ask folks, "Can you stand the rain?" Photobucket I can't! At least not alone. So...I'm off to be with my cuddle buddy.

Thinkin of another "rainy" song. Shouts to Eddie KAAAAANNE! Photobucket **rusty voice singin, staggerin, half drunk, but mostly high in my unzipped performance jumpsuit** Nights like dis I wish/That rain drops would faaaallllll!!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 18, 2008


Ummm...that's pretty much it because:

I'm at "work." (<--term used soooo loosely because working Myspace, Craigslist San Diego, and Ebay and various style and home decor blogs like part time jobs is SOOOOOOO not working!)
I'm sitting here earning juuuuussstttt enough dough to NOT be able to afford the things I REEEEAAAALLLLYYYY want, like that L.A.M.B. foldover clutch bag in ANY color.
Or even the routine maintenance Honey D. Honda (my second born car baby) so desperately needs. I'd feel guilty buying a HAPPY MEAL right now. Hell! CAN I afford this 80 cent bag of kettle-cooked Jalapeno chips that are calling my name??!?!!

So...I'm sitting here in my shared cube earning my bag of pennies and can of rancid Pocari right now by typing user names into an Excel spreadsheet. FUN in a box, riiiiggghhhttt?!!?! Well...depends on how you look at it. The name I just typed was "Karen Brain." (NO! Fa REAL!) First thought that came to my nasty lil' mind was: "I wonder what her middle name is. Possibly...**pondering for 1/2 a sec, then knowing undoubtedly what it MUST be**...............'Gives Good?'"
See! Work isn't all that bad. Plus somebody brought in DOUGHNUTS today! (My inner AND outter fat girl is LOVE-LOVE-LOVVVVVIIINNG that!) And it IS Friday, afterall. And...BONUS! A 3-day weekend! Thanks, MLK! BLACK LOVE!!

Sidenote: WHY DID I JUST TYPE 'Karen Gives Good' INTO THE SPREADSHEET?!?!?!!!
RAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAA!! (<--EEEVVVIIIILLL laugh as I think about SAVING it!!!!!)


SIDE Sidenote: I just got back from the place where AAAALLLL the coooool County employee kids hang...the BOOKMOBILE! Signed up for a card and everything! Not only did I get the cutest lil plastic, grocery-store discount club card looking thingamajig, but they also gave me a KEYCHAIN card. LOVE IT!
I'm so AMPED right now over the CONVENIENCE of being able to borrow books, DVDs, and CDs right in the PARKING LOT of my job. Man! Give me a wedgie and hand me a protractor, compass, and a pocket protector cuz I'm PSYCHED about the BOOKMOBILE! PICTURE ME NERDY!

Ok...I'm SPENT! **fans self** I'm off to act like I'm working for the remainder of the day.
So here's some words of wisdom for this weekend and all weekends to come: