Rep Yo' PIGGAY!

What's better than Oprah?

For those of you who answered: "Miley Cyrus and Kim KardASShian butt-nekkid-buffin' the Honda with a large side of Tyra Banks shutting the hell up and letting her guests tell THEIR stories-SANS interruptions and interjections in order to Keyshia Cole the people by annoyingly trying to drive home the point that "I'M JUST LIKE YOU!" because she must be blind or need some glasses to see that we've heard her fivehead fables and simply don't give a fuck anymore," **breathes and stops** then you'd be CLOSE.

However...survey says: MORE OPRAH!

Last week, Lady O dropped the dime on herself by admitting the fact that she's double-fisting 100 pounds.
However, unlike Lady Lane Bryant behind this blog righ'chea, she isn't proud of her poundage and is actively planning a curb-the-curves coup.

**looks lovingly into the eyes of my BabyMama #1 prize while pinching playfully at her baby fat-fat**
I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU AAARRREEE!!!

**slyly slips hand around to her purse, to ensure it hasn't lost any weight**

In honor of my sugahunnyicedtea, I'll go ahead and let y'all know about the weight I'm working with.
Cuz, sheeiiit: If a bia bia like Opreezy can be honest about her obesity, then so can SAVVistra FATTerline, dammit!

So listen up kids, cuz this ish is like the Halley's Comet of revelations: ONCE in a lifetime.

My weight...**inhales deeply; feels immediate moistening of brows and palms**
...could very easily be the model number of Mercedes Benz.
**exhales**

WHOOOO!!!!! Fuck shackles off my feet; THAT was freeing!

Ok...
Who's next to come clizzean?
;^p

TRILL Deal Holyfield

What's up my SavvyFatty Divas and Dick Dealers?! How's it hangin' and danglin'?!

Remember a few posts back when I said, "Ask me ANYthang and I'll tell you the TROOF?"
Well, that day my ass was bullshittin' like a skinny girl with a bucket of chicken. But today, I'm ready to give y'all the TRILL DEAL to the questions asked via the Comments section that I DID NOT answer that day. NO BULLSHIT! All true shit! Pinky Starfish Promise!

1) So are you really into females, or are you just joking?

I'm really into orgasms; doesn't matter WHO dishes them just as long as I leave having busted 1...or a hun'nid.

2) If you could get it with anybody in the world, who would it be?

Floyd Mayweather! Lawd, he is all types of bite-sized Chocolate'y Delectability! His cocky bravado adds to the milk jug of moisture already in my Caciques for him. He could get this big guhl down on the flo' AAAALLL DIZZAM DAY!

3) U ever do a 3some (or more)? If so what was the makeup of the group?Yes, I surely have as I will be a freak until the day; until the DAAAAWWWWWNNN.
And the makeup of the group was me in Cinnamon eyeshadow, bronze eyeliner, Blackest Black mascara and a pinky nude lip gloss.
Haha!
Trill Talk: 2 Kitties and a Rottweiler.


4) I was wondering what type of outfits do you wear when you go out?Well, I'm different than the rest. I'm kinda jazzy/punky. When I step out you can find me in a cut up punk rock T-shirt with a string of faux pearls and chunky bracelets. I like to mix something rocker with something femme and dainty just to keep they heads turnin'.

My favorite fat girl sites for stepping out are Torrid, Old Navy, and Lane Bryant.
Torrid has the young, hip, fun shit. Old Navy is trying to step into the Fat Fab Arena and Lane Bryant has the classic pieces in quality fabrics--AND they give COUPONS!

Since I'z a po' peeump with a wallet and bank account on LIMP!, I like pieces that can go from day to night with the switch of the bottoms and a whole new set of accessories.

Take this printed green and black one-shoulder number I spotted at Old Navy for $6.99!

In the daytime it bangs with a pair of baggy cargo shorts, casual patent leather Gladiators, and bold Boho-Fresh accessories.

For night, class and sass it up with a khaki button-front pencil skirt, chunky faux gemstone jewelry, and hot pank! ankle boots with a matching leather clutch.

Hell, throw a black blazer or cardigan and sleek slacks over this biatch and you can even rock it, don't stop it! to the work place.

**Remember, before making it rain on ANY poychuss: VERSATILITY is key!


5) Do you agree with Mo'nique when she said that skinny women are evil?FUUUCKKKK NAWWWWW!!
And for the record: I absolutely cannot STAND Mo'nique!

Although she reps for the big girls like no other, I cannot stand her schtick. I DO NOT think she's funny nor do I think she should single out skinny bitches as being "evil" just cuz they ass can PUSH THE PLATE BACK like we cain't!
In my world, ERR'body is a hottie, including me with my Supreme Team of jellay and bellays. There's room for us ALL to get ours. I ain't gon' hate on you cuz you can rock shit like this and I cain't...or am I?! GRRR!!!
**drops down to sweep the flo' with A Milli crunches**

Mah Nay Lil' Plies

Huh?!"
Plies, gettin' his Lil' Darryl on, was seen on the scene at Maino's video shoot for the "Hi, Haters" remix.

Even though I abhor his fugazi thug image AND the fact that he's a ghetto gospel A-alike to Kirk Franklin, there's just something about this pseudo-goon that makes me want to speed in the fast lane, pedal to the floor, mayne, tryna get back to his love.He would get the SavvyFatty BEESWAX, mayne. And like a black widow, I'd eat his bite-sized ass after I busted my nut. Mmmm!! **rubbing hands together** Algernod'y goodness!

Maino was in the buil'lin' lookin' like Khalil Kain and Pillsbury Doughboy's cocoa love child.
IMHO: Ninjas with pillow soft arms should opt out of tattoo-coppin'...and invest that guap in turtleneck-rockin' instead.Oh...and Maino: I HATE your song. So, I guess you got 1 more person to wave to, right, Bitch?!

I'd Kiss These Girls and I'd Like It!

The Girl I'd Be If I Wasn't Black With Ninja Naps And Didn't Work A Gubmit Job, Kat Von D, was spotted on the red carpet at the X Games Awards held at The Stork, L.A. last Thursday.
I LOVE LOVE! LOVE! Kat's look from head to toe. From the dark onyx high hair, to the 50's rocker pin-up makeup, to the tats, to the kiddie camel toe, she's one of my style idols cuz she ain't afraid to step out the box and rep a different side of beauty.

And look who else was in the building, giving me not as much booty as I'm used to lickin' seeing.
Her sister, Chyna Khloe Kardashian, was also in the house lookin' like a pack of linebackers. Hell, I'll throw her manly ass in the mix, too. She'd probably bang my back out better than ANY thug ninja could.
**gives Khloe 'The Eye'**

Kim KardASShian Licking Something OTHER Than ME!

photo source
Oh! The Humanity!!!
And her eye if she don't quit gettin' her dairy from a source outside of Chateau Savvy.
Don't she know I got that fiyah?!
And she can holla at lil' whoadi if she want dat Oscar Meyer...

Air Pianympho

So, I'm over at Kanye's blog desperately trying to find some type of contact info so Yeezy Yeezy can peep the hot fiyah that is the SavvyFatty FreakMixxx of his verse on Young Jeezy's "I Put On."

But once my search proved fruitless, and only after emailing a pic of my grandma to be featured in the "Stronger Sightings" section (Yeah, if arthritis don't kill her, it will only make her stronger) did I spot something that caught my lil' hornay eye.

Enter the AirPiano.

Tauted as "an innovative musical interface which allows playing (<<--Ooh!) and controlling software instruments simply by moving hands in the air" (<<--Unh. Unh! Baybee!) I knew this was something that must be added to the SavvyFatty Lonely Nights Arsenal at once!
Now if this pic doesn't make you want to lay under those magically dancing, pasty white hands...then check your temperature. Cuz you mosdef must be gettin' your Heaven for a G on.

To all you thinking: "Savvy, you don't play an instrument. What will you do with something like this?!" I think, "Stay yo fonkay azz out my muthaplukkin' biznazz!!!" then I lay out my plans to your nosey ass for you inquiring minds.

Once the AirPiano is received and secured, I'm going to commence to e-mee-tree-it-lee taking it apart to discover exactly what makes it work. My plans are to construct something similar to be placed in my Caciques in order to avoid a tripl to the Dirty Souf in an effort to climb the Stairway to Heaven.
Then, directly after, depending on the severity of the exxxplosion, I'll get to erasing each and every fuck ninja up out my contacts list. Except for these two, of course. I might not need ninjas anymore, but I still got bills. And money, mosdef, still make me cum.


So, to all my people that enjoy The SavvyFatty Experience and would love for your daily dose of fuckshit to continue, I'll need you to reach into your Goach bags and wallets to donate to my Air PianHO fund.

Until it's received, SF will be on hiatus indefinitely.
So, the faster you get your donations in, the sooner we'll be back to our regularly scheduled ho dro programming.

How you luhhhh dat?!

Red Yum!

Welcome back to the real world, folks!!!
Shit SUCKS monkey balls, right?!!!


How was your 3-day weekend?!
If your holiday weekend was anything like mine, your ass is raw from wiping dead animal carcusses from it, your liver's still crying, your eyes are still bloodshot, and you're walking like you just got off a horse. A very fat horse. Oh...and your jaws hurt and you could use a new tip for your tongue.
...Or is that just me?!

With all that fun and shenanigans, I did have something quite unfortunate happen to me, as well.
After many years of late night visits and sneaking around to see each other, I've officially broken it off with ThugBait. (<<--Not Safe For Nothing But The Privacy of Your Own Masturbation Station)
I know. I know. We've been in it to win it for years. I mean, no one kept me company like its screen shots of thugalicious niggas giving each other the BEESWAX in cheap motel rooms. Of "punks" suckin' the brown off of many a blindfolded ninjas dick while a dude thinks it's some hood rat gettin' him off. Ooh! And I loved the addition of the fantasies. I liked to read short stories about what niggas would do to the featured thugs. Those accounts right there, ninja!! Those accounts RIGHT THEEEEEERRRREE!!! Let me stop before I get all nostalgic and get to callin' when I know I've moved on.

So ladies and gents, meet my new late night (and afternoon...and early morning...and any time I fuckin' feel like it!) hype, RedTube.

Mean Muggin' EVERY single effin' one of you out in SavvyFattyLand:


IFFIN' I FIND OUT ANY ONE OF Y'ALL KNEW ABOUT THIS SITE AND DIDN'T TELL YA GIRL...IT'S GOIN' DOWN LIKE THE PROM QUEEN'S GOWN!!!! HOW COULD YOU KEEP FREE, QUALITY PORN AWAY FROM YA HOMAY?!?!?! HOOOOOWWWW?!?!?!? WHHHYYYYY?!?!?!?! [/Nancy Kerrigan]

I don't even have time to go into the many ways I EL OH VEE E this site, but I will tell you, the gay channel gets MUCH play on my Dell Dimension. This shit right here, ninj! (<<<--Again. NOt safe for existence...unless you're alone with your pants at your ankles, in which case: GO TO WORK!!!)
All I gotta say is: My computer chair will never be the same. My shit's like a fish tank right about now. Oooohhhhweee!

Oh, and don't think I ain't been on these channels. Ninja, please! They get much play on the Dell, as well. Not as much play as the Gays do, (HAIL NAW! Not NEARLY as much as the gays! [1:36 mark!!!!]) but play nonetheless.

So, in closing, if you ever come to SavvyFatty and I ain't updated in a good eleventeen days or you hit the cell and all you get is vmail, you know where to find me.
I'll be on RedTube at my computer in the nude watchin' bitches fuck/Watchin' a man fuck his dude...MMMKAY?!?!?!

So get GONE so I can get it ON!

Desecrate What Ya Mama Gave Ya

In Websites Yo Mama Would Be Ecstatic to Find You On news, I came across this gem of a site while looking up Bible verses. :^D
DimeWars is a site where lonely, horny people can vote on their favorite "dimes." Easy enough, right?

I won't hate nor front on most of these ladies cuz there are mosdef some HUNNAYS who could show up, unannounced, at Chateau Savvy ANY time..after midnight and before 4am. However, I doubt this is what feminists like Sojourner Truth had in mind while they were fighting for women's freedom, rights and equality.

Plus, not EVERYbody on the site is "Dime" worthy. I did see a couple muhfuckas who should be givin' me change for a penny.
Take Nya for instance.

I've seen more meat on a hummingbird wing. And she ain't showing us shit. I ain't hardly moved to rape my lap vote for her ass in this Tomb Raider/Indianapolis Jones ghetto get up. Plus, she didn't even try with that wrap that should be ringing the nurse begging for a few more CC's of volume, either. NEXT!


If I'mma be voting on how hot beaches are, I'mma want my women nice, thick and half a centimeter away from booty buck nekkid.

Like these fine young ladies, Naughty Neshelle and Absolutely Amber. I'd get naughty with both and ABSOLUTELY lick the wrappers.



However, both of those ladies cain't come within an inch of fuckin' with Miss Thanksgiving Dinner-Thick herself, Tasha Destiny. Like Ray-J say: Shawday Got GIFTS!!!
Ass and hips like this need be illegal in all 50 states. And Puerto Rico. AND the US Virgin Islands. Hail! The UNIVERSE!!!
Bitches like this need be e-mee-tree-it-lee punished by being shipped to Camp SavvyFatty: the Correctional Facility for Bitches That Are Too Thick To Exist. I'd make sure they were punished to the full extent of the law. PLEASE. BELIEVE. IT.

LAWD!!!
**fanning self while trying to vote with my elbows since my hands look like chicken fingers dipped in ranch**

Since I Been GONE...YEAH! YEAH!

**This post is dedicated to my squad of cute big biatches, especially Miss J-Nic from the Myspace page, wonderin' if a SavvyFatty was breavin' or not. Yo' Luhhhv...It means the world to me! [/Musiq] *****Now..."OWN" with the fuckery!!!!

This past Saturday, American Idol’s pillow-top mattress-shaped stepchild, Ruben Studdard, wifed up fiancée Surata Zuri McCants.

The bride, best known for her .00123 seconds of shame fame in Nelly’s "Tip Drill" video** (3:20 mark; extreme right in white bikini top) couple asked that in lieu of throwing rice, the crowd would "make it rain" with singles instead. In exchange, the bride stripped down to her g-string, garter, and stiletto clear heels to drop and give the guests 50.
**Warning: Video not safe for work OR people with no arms because you’re most DEF going to want to be rubbing some nether regions with a blunt and bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios nearby…or was that just me?!
photo source

*****


Uhhhh…what dee HAIL do you think Britney circa 2019 Heather Locklear was doing when this pic was snapped?!
Please vote below:
C) Just finished saying “Peace Up;” in the midst of shouting, “A-Town Down!!”
OR
B) Chunking the deuces at the Po-Po after they tried to pop her for snatching Denise Richards's wig back.
photo source

*****

**screaming while tearing at afro puff**
JESUS, WHY?!?!?!
**on knees sobbing**

Why?!?!?
First, I was first to live with the news that Mini-Me aka Verne Troyer, has a sex tape with a real-live, regular-sized woman. **spits vomit to the ground**
Now, while reading The Superficial I have to be inundated with midget nipple slippery?!?!? Moonlight Bunny Ranch alum, Bridget the Midget, let her lil' nipple out of her wee whore wear this past Friday in Hollywood.
Why, Lawd?!?!? What have I done?!?!?! **taking negative 36.3 million seconds to ponder**
I know that that was that woman’s husband, Lawd. I did (and do) know that. But…he got an 8!
But this?!!!! My EXTREME baaaadddd!!!!

*****


**handing my tongue the phone while relaying a message**
SUH BAWTH THEE CAW LITH FO’ YOO…
Kim KardASShian celebrated lil' sis Chyna Khloe Kardasshian’s 24th birthday over the weekend by making my clit beat up my KY Warming Liquid- slathered pointer finger.
photo source

*****

Alicia Keys attended the 2008 Michael Strahan/Dreier LLP Charity Golf Tournament pre-party in the NYC this past weekend. The slight showing of a sexy, supple rounded hip is what made me post this pic as it reminds me (and my nipple erection) of when she looks like this...

NFL alum Eddie George was also in the house; lips sponsored by MAC's new lip glass tint, Rainbow Raisin.

*****

Destiny's StepChile' Letoya Luckett was also out this weekend, flossing in her gettin’-extra-hours-due-to her-BOGO-sales-promotion-skills attire, looking like a choco-firework in a bold patterned, off-the-shoulder number.
photo source

*****

High Thought of the Night:
Who do you think is the villainous vixen trying to own and control Ne-Yo in his latest video, “Closer?”

Savvy’s Guess: None other than Miss Black Embarassment Herself,Miss Peachez (Ya Hea' Me?!)…cuz who else gon’ taste test a whole gatdayumed Thanksgiving-sized spread in negative 46 matrillion seconds to let you know if there’s enough fatback in the “grains” but Miss PokeChopWithNoHandsEatin’ Ne-yo-sha?

Mmm!! Monitor-y Delectability!

As I was chillin' over at the homey Coc's and checkin' out her haute spot, I came across this lil' piece of panty eye candy that's dayum near got me givin' my monitor mouf to mouf molestation.
Oooohhh weee!! [/Fez]

Apparently, S. Willy is the cover girl for July's issue of Ebony.
Great. Good for her. **pointer finger applause**

What I really need to know is:
WHO DUH HAIL left the gate open for a muhfucka to photoCHOP all that asstasticness away?!?!?!
Usually, that jooosay's got me cray-ay-zee. But these pics are too tame for this dame.

Iffin' Linda Johnson Rice and 'nem think I'ma spend the night at home, alone, with this mag, a bottle of 2-buck Chuck and a palm full of KY jellay good money on this issue, I need there to be more troof in the advertising, mayne!

LJR & Co.: Don't be skurd of lettin' Reny-Ren' po' out a lil' booty for us ZERO-booty hoes who, try as we might, cain't hump with it. I mean, we could... but ain't nobody HARDLY checkin' for a brick wall in a size 26 pair of Venezia jeans. Believe me. I know.
**checks empty ring finger...commences to wrist-slicing**

So, Johnson Publications: I'll give y'all the go ahead to re-publish this issue and come out with somethin' a little hotter.
And Richie Will'z: **whispers** I give you the permission to allow me the chance to tongue-bathe ya daughter.
:^p

I Wanna Fu-Love You

Ahhh!
**scans office, then slowly slips nipple out**
My loyal SF'ers: You know'z I luhvz me some Pretty Boy Floyd like fat kids love to eat a whole box of Little Debbie's Nutty Bars to themselves.
However...today, there's NUH'CHIN like the sight of fresh charbrizzity on this Monday morning!

photo source
Akon, looking grill-FRESH! in all-black, walking the red carpet at Nelly's All Star Studded Weekend held at the Red Rock Resort & Casino in Sin City, knows just what to do to make my yannays sing a sooooonnnnng. [/Earth, Wind & Fire]
Mmm! Exxon Valdez goodness!

Here's "Soot-Sexxxay" again, with Nelly and JD on the red carpet, standing in the exact order I'd bang 'em in:

photo source
1) Akon: Mmmm! Turn my sheets from satin'y smooth to the ground at Jiffy-Lube!;

2) Nelly, just **whispers** as long as he brought somebody ELSE's dick game. We all read that article in Ozone about him packin' a Vienna sausage like a Pre-K lunchbox, no?;

And in 4,617,332nd place, just edged out by the ghost of Flip Wilson dressed as "Geraldine," comes Damita Jo's own personal growth-stunted Stuart Little, JD.
While he's out on the town doing grown man hood rat stuff, I know there's a 7 year old somewhere frantically searching for and missing a set of play clothes.
**setting up microscope to get on his level, ho**
It ain't right, 'Maine! You up there stuntin' and frontin' while kids got tag to play.

Did someone say, 'Savvy?!'

**frantically grabbing purse, keys, box of flavored condoms and the twins before I miss this boat!!!**

Photo Source

So, my boy over at The Superficial thinks Kimmy K. is rockin' a bunk bed mattress under this dress that's hugging her curves so gotdayum perfectly that my tongue has purchased a Star Map in desperate hopes of locating Chateau KardASShian.

I've reviewed the pics. And I'm kinda on the fence about the whole thing.

But...**performing a cursory finger test** judging from the good gushy gushy emitting from my lapular region, I simply don't give a shit!!!

Maaaaan, if I could look 1/17th as delectable in a white dress, instead of like this, I put that on ya MUTHA I wouldn't be sittin' here fuckin' around with y'all'z asses. Instead, I'd be posted somewhere with Pretty Boy Floyd, firmly parked between his nostrils and chin while wearing nothing but a Nike Livestrong Bracelet and a satiated smile.


**making the phone gesture with my left hand while shooting Reg and Kim the 'eye'**

FRONTIN' is a habit

DON'T get like me!

I took my broke azz to Vegas this weekend with not even enough money to cop a crispy new pair of Pro-Wings. But from the way we Sin City kicked it, you'd be under the impression that I made waaaayyyy more than a Chuck E. Cheese token annually.
But I was on a mission: I didn't care if gas cost a Beetlejuice blowjob per gallon, it was a matter of EXTREME importance that I get away for Memorial Day. Lucky for my impoverished azz, the girls and I were able to find a hotel within my budget so we hopped in the ol' Honda and beat the 15 North like a smart mouf kid.

But please believe, like Pharrell sung: I was just FRONTIN' cuz, as most of y'all who know me personally or thru the blogosphere, you're WELLl aware of my adventures as a po' gubmit employee peeump.

If you're a regular SF'er you already know how I cain't even afford to pay attention and how homeless people hand ME change while patting my back and saying, "It ain't trickin' if I got it." **tears**

Regardless of the comatosed wallet, I STILL rartied like a sock par! JEAH!

Shouts to the following for making my Memorial Day weekend mad memorable:
"Dan-Ye" and "Hank Bank$" for showing me and the girls some love.
Dan-Ye, you knowwwww you got an account open at the Head Bank for sending me that cam phone pic of my baby daddy on stage at his SuperFest and for comin' through with that good PLP'in (that's Parkin' Lot Piffin') in the 'Price!! That was just what I needed RIGHT when I needed it. ;^p And...I hope that lil "adult" conversation at The Orleans don't have you lookin' at ya girl any different. Me and the girls don't ever get TOOO crazy. We were just sayin'! LOL!




Pretty Boy Fine Fucker Floyd for just being you. You probably didn't see me cheapskatin' it and watching you from the furniture store parking lot since I didn't wanna pay have $10 to get into SuperFest, but I sho' saw you in your jersey with no undershirt. And usually I don't play that off-the-court-musty-fuck look, but for your hot azz, I'll give you a pass...and if you wanted it, summa this azz. OH!
Only question I have is: WHO dug up a time capsule containing a 1993 issue of Rap Pages and thought it was the BIZNISS to book Domino to perform at the event? The Getto Jam was like, "No, ma'am." But props to you for givin' a brotha an opportunity to make some $$$ in order to get his herringbone and Ray-Bans outta the pawn shop.


Poetry nightclub in Caesar's Palace for its blatant disregard of its own ADVERTISED Saturday night promotion!
I loved the way your website said those in all white for the Tank performance would get front of the line privileges THEN had your Mr. Piggy security guard act like that was the most preposterous thing he'd heard when I asked him about it. Had muhfukkas walkin' around with their Q-tip games strong including my azz, in the buil'in lookin' like a quadruple roll of Charmin for no good gatdayum reason! GRRRR!!!
That was cool, though, cuz we bounced from there and made it RAIN on the bar, tables, and slot machines at Bellagio. And in turn, they made it rain on our livers with all them free dranks. YAY! and D'oh! at the same time!


Gary Payton who was valeting his Range, sittin' on blindingly bright 94'z, right in front of Honey D. Honda at the Bellagio. Both your profile and edge up game were on pizzoint, GP!
Now...if only you coulda seen through the thick layer of desert dust covering my windshield, you woulda been the winner of Thanksgiving dinner. **wink, wink** Cuz I KNOOOW them lil' Middle Eastern lookin' toothpicks you were with cain't do it like ya Fatty. Dontchu know once you go fat, you'll eat till you bring on a heart attack?!?!....NO?!...Well, yeah...like that.


Josh! Good LOOOKKKIIINNNN' on coming through for your ninjettes! We had a BLAST with you at the 'Lagio. And your homies weren't half bad either!! ;-) Just let me know how I can be like YOU when I grow up! I'll have my people call yo' people!


The overzealous maid staff at our hotel for interrupting the tiny bit of sleep we were able to get.
In our half-dead hungover state, how could we hear you bangin' on the door shouting, "HOUSE-GEE-PEENG!" but you, awake, alert and WORKING, couldn't hear us screaming, "NO! THANK! YOU!"
We appreciated your enthusiasm about your job. Really we did. But just imagine, if instead of being in an alcohol-induced semi-coma, we were... Yeah... so clean out your ears, Maria.
That's pretty much it. The weekend was fun for all! except for...

Cinch Sak SEXY!

photo hijacked from C+D
I ain't gon' lie: Something about these lil' horny middle-schoolers turn my Caciques into Lake Superior faster than you can make the sex cry-yyyyy! Don't know if it's the provocative lyrics, the washboard abs that are BEGGIN' for a tongue bath or the beat the pussy up, beat the pussy UP gyrations **fanning self**...but whatever it is, I'd R. Kelly it!

However...

• WHO DEE HAIL left the Hefty Cinch Saks by the sewing machine?
• Why is dude with the high top jackin' Terminator X's 1991 swag HARD?!
• Who in the industry was the lucky recipient of a Norwood Young salad toss in order to get his son in the group?
• Shouldn't Slick 'Em be somewhere thanking the Gods of Photoshop for making him appear normal, instead of like the nigger coon spawn of Monster from The Muppets?

Lady Luck

For years, judging from the menacing sneer on his face to the straight-with-no-chaser verse delivery, I have thought that rapper Bun B had the type of dick game that was equivalent to being stomped in the vajayjay with a steel-toed Timberland boot. **salivating** Cuz I'z a big gal and ooohhh, baby! I like it ROOOUUUGGGHHHH!!!!
So when I wasn't letting my fingers linger, daydreaming of the day when Big Dick Cheney would perform such an act on moi, I was wondering about what kind of woman WOULD he give the beeswax to. And lo and behold, here her is!!!:

Lucky Bitch Queenie Freeman, Big Dick, and an inside-out chimney were partying it up at the II Trill Private Listening Session held inside of the Houston Galleria's Louis Vuitton store. Also on hand were the Mini-Buns, Bun B's trill'dren.

My Thoughts IGG-ZACK-LAY!

Peep the following background individuals in the below pic:

photo ganked from Lolo's Cube

• Man in suit directly behind Alicia
• Guy with camera up to his face
• Big dude in blue T-shirt

Now...if you ain't either DYIN' laughin' at them gettin' caught on FILM sayin' a collective "DAAAAAYYYYUUUMMM" OR beatin' your clit/dick like you caught it fuckin' your grandma, then check your pulse.
Cuz A. Keys is UZI'in hoes with this body-hugging, grey knee-length number with her killer curves.
Yeah, her mini-tetas would leave an African village starvin' like Marvin, but them hips...**wiping drool** is SCREAMIN' for twins! Shouts to Romey Rome!!

Sheeeeeeiiiiiitttt!!!! If I wasn't tryna be faithful to Floyd, Oprah, Miley, and that thick camel-ridin' cutie Kim, PLEASE BELIEVE I'd be tryna hurt dat and merk dat!

Do ya thang, Leesh!**whispers in her ear** I would give it to ya nonstop...and I don't care who's watchin' watchin' WAW-CHIINNN...

Miss me

I ain't hardly in the motherbloggin' mood today.
I woke up at 2am with an em-effin’ sore throat and the MAAAD desire to stay in bed until 2pm...which I basically did.
If it wasn’t for having to call into work and get an actual LIVE voice since muhfuckas act like a voicemail won’t suffice (GRRRR!) AND having to move my car at the crizzack of dawn since the city is doing “upgrades” on my street (read that as: kicking up dust and not doin’ a muthafuck!) I might STILL be a citizen of Slumber City.

There's something ohso! therapeutic (and rebellious!) about laying around until I get good and gotdayumed ready to start my day and live my life. Ain't nothing better than saying a big, fat, “FUCK YOU!” to my alarm clock, rising earlier than the sun does, doing Frogger through traffic and the politics of working with some ( ) people.
Right now, if I could BK my life and have it my way, with plenty of money in the bank, shawty whatchu drank, I wouldn’t get out of bed for NOTHING short of the following:

Some REGULAR dickin’ by an 8 inch or BETTER cockasaurus. **salivating** I need that in my life!! Ain’t noooooo reason for this here drought season!! It’s a dayum shame that I was getting’ more dickage in my TEENS (Hi, mom!) when I had to sneak than I’m getting’ now that I’z a big girl with my own spot! I should be MC Hammer’in this biznitch and TURNIN’ THIS MUTHA OUT!! EFF!!! I’ll take that REGGIE BUSH dickin’ connected to a dark, ig’nit, lil’ sum’in from New Orleans (Slow down, baaayyyyybeh!), Philly (Eaaarrrrlllly!) or Jamaica, por favor.

The guys from Heatherette, Richie Rich and Traver Rains, calling me to see if I’d be the muse for their new plus size line, "Boobenesque." I'm talkin, muse, model, spokesbitch, and **gettin' far too big for my britches** equal pot'na. CHA-CHING!

Being a nightly fly on the wall in Jayonce’s “newlywed” love nest. Cuz I just GOTTA know how that’s goin’ down. Since Bey’s public image is SO controlled, I just picture ol’ girl goin’ WILD on Jigga’s pants pole, lacefront danglin' from the chandelier, while uncontrollably exclaiming, “NOW I JUS’ WANNA LUHV YA!”

An endless supply of Lane Bryant’s Passion lace-lined plunge bras. Since mine act like I got endless gubmit employee dough to spend and only have a shelf life of about 5 months. (GRRR!!!) So what that they only go up to a 44DD and I’m at LEAST a G!! (Yes, boys! **wank, wank**) I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t be stuffing Thing 1 and Thing 2 such a smizzall brizza, but the raw sexxxayness and overly abundant “Cleveland” that that ish makes is to DIE for!

An all expenses paid trip to every island in the Caribbean. With an 8’er or better eagerly awaiting my "arrival" (<-in more ways than one! **wank, wank**) at every port.

A 24 hour Glam Squad to give my ass a new look on the daily. Yeah, I’m gettin’ by with my kitchen azz glue-in and Wet N’ Wild cosmetic arsenal, but it’s time to step my gizzame izzup. The summer is rapidly approaching and I ain’t HARDLY tryna get caught coming off a waterslide with my weave in HAND rather than on my head like it was 2 summers ago. (Remember that Nas, Kita, T-Mama, and Angel?) **committing suicide**

But I'd forsake AAALLLL of the above for just a teeny drip drop of this:

Hell...times, like my unfondled nipples, is hard! I'd even take some of THIS!

My, My Miley

Before I reduce myself to gettin' into fisticuffs with muhphukkas over my baby booboo, I'mma just politely ask y'all to leave my Mi-Mi alone.

For those who thought she should (she did!) apologize to her fans for posing in such "racy" photos, SHUT THE EFF UP! Maybe if you were more worried about your OWN kids they wouldn't be somewhere plottin' to blow up their schools or blowin' their teachers. Or looking for a role model via the boob tube cuz yo' azz is too busy to parent. MESSAGE!
What exactly should Miley be apologizing for?
Yes! She took the above artsy Annie Liebowitz flick that might not be appropriate for a 15 year old. And some Myspace pics that she should have thought twice about before posing for.

However...this ain't cha average teenager. Thi$ bitch got $tack$ like texturizer$ got Dax! Paper higher than a $ky$craper! Money like Chri$ Rock got funny! Dough like she's in training to be my Lady O. Oh!

Out of this whole "scandal" the only thing Mi' should be apologizing for is looking like the girl on the Les Miserable poster and for cheating on me with this lil' Mac Tonight-chinned floozy!
I know IGG-ZACK-LEE when this pic was taken, too! I recognize that scarf! That was the day she was supposed to be brangin' me a ribs and pancakes dinner for lettin' her stay up late to watch Cathouse 2 with me and O. And THIS the muthafuckin' thanks I get?!?!?!!


**gaining composure and recovering from jealous rage**
Bottomline: My lil' one can do what she wanna!
Long as she ain't flashin' myyyy me and Oprah's her panty partner for the world to see or drunk driving, or acting like she has to go elsewhere, instead of staying home with me and O, to get the biznazz, she's just being a girl! A very wealthy, BREADWINNIN' girl who could buy and sell you 2 dolla, 2-cent opinion havin' azz.

Getcha M.A.C on!

Every FAB! female's face friend, M.A.C., is having a FREE SHIPPING event.
That's right! From now until Sunday, 4/13, shipping is GRATIS with ANY purchase over $60.

HAIL YEAH!! That's what I'm talkin!

Now...**pulling pockets out like rabbit ears**...if only my bank account hadn't run away to find a family who could "feed" it... **tears**

But y'all do ya thang! I ain't mad!

Fresh shouts to all my black eye-rockin domestic violence victims...NOW is the time to stock up on that Studio Finish and Select Cover-Up so you won't have to lie and tell fabricated stories about sleepwalking! JEAH!! **does the Humpty Dance**

Hahahaahahaha! I KEED! I KEED!!! Please refrain from sending nasty emails or reporting me to some douchebag agency. I'm fuckin' with y'all! I'm in the zone cuz it's Friday Jr., snitches!

Wino-saur

BevMo is having its 5 Cent Sale...and this time it's not only the wine! It's the hard licka, too!

Buy 1 Flavored Skyy Vodka for $15.99 and the 2nd is just 5 cents!
WHOOOHOOOOO!! **doing the Humpty Dance**

The only catch is you must buy 2 of the same flavor. No mixxy-matchies.
Believe me...I tried! I had some MEEEEAAAN Pink Panties to make and wanted to try the Citrus and the Berry, but I was quickly denied.
But that's cool! 2 750ML for $16 plus tax...I'm wit' it!!!