HOPE Hustle

Damn, Dame Dash: Since you're no longer able to Roc-A-Fella, guess you gotta Barack-A-Fella, no?

My girl, Fre, caught this "Hope Hustler" over the weekend while in DC for the Inauguration festivities.
And even though I'm BEYOND embarrassed, sitting here with my fanguhz crossed hoping these pics don't get in the hands of "company," I can't even be mad at Barack's "Bruh'man" for slainging that Jovan Musk with the Super-Glue'd First Family Photos. Barack speaks of "CHANGE"...and never once did he omit snatching off eau de toilette labels.

So I salute this spirited salesman for his dollar-clocking dauntlessness.

WHAT SAY YOU ABOUT HIS MONEY-MAKING MOXIE?

ChampWayne

According to Vibe.com, Lil Weezyanna is getting his own brand of champagne. The line, called "Halo" [/Type 52 Diabetes] will be coming to a freezer within the Liquor, Ribs and Check Cashing Spot near you in the fall.
The article states the line will feature variations such as Halo Brut and Halo Penisful Pinnacle, which is a Chardonnay with fruit and nut flavors. Sashay! Chante!

I got 500 half pennies that says this shit tastes like week-old etouffe and Baby's spiderweb dust precum.

WhatCHU thank?!

Tuesday Survey for the Ain't HARDLY Workin'

Shouts to my girl X-Trina for this survey. Treeny: Can you believe it's already 10 years since we shook the Madhouse?!?!?!! You either?!?!! Man! We OLD!! Shouts to Class of 1998!

And to the rest of y'all, quit actin' like you workin'. You know DAYUM WELL you got BlackPlanet, AdultFriendFinder and OnlineBootyCall minimized in ya taskbar.
So...in honor of the fact that you ain't HARDLY doin' shit...here's a SavvyFatty Survey...and you'll like it, dammit!!!!

Anymore Questions?!


01:What's a fact about the last person who texted you?
We're screwing...and I like it.

02: Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings.....and?
Either somebody's getting ROYALLY cussed out...or ROYALLY fucked the shit out of.

03: What is your favorite thing to eat?
In Public...
In Private...

04: Where was your default picture taken?
At home in the computer corner/photo boof.

05: Do u watch The Hills?
FUUUGGGG NAW!! What kinda LC, Lo, Audrina, Whitney, Heidi, Spencer, Brody, Justin Bobby storyline following punk do you think I am?!

06: What do you hear right now?
The news and my fan keeping a fat biatch luke nuclear.

07: What do you think your number 1 is doing right now?
She ain't doin' nuthin' but somewhere praising the Lawd.

08: What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
Haha!

09: Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
The abortion clinic...hahahaha! I keed!! I meant Coronado Bridge.

10: What's the last thing you ate?
Too Much. Had a whole googob, PILE of that shit, too.

11: Can you sleep in jeans?
Yeah, Jean's cool. She's nice and warm.

12: What is something you just don’t understand?
How some folks are missing integral parts of their hair, yet still want a high ponytail or a glue-in weave...and to walk when it's windy. **shaking head**

13: Where were you on July 4th, 2007?
At Imperial Beach most of the day, then at Mission Beach the rest of the evening.

14: Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Big Booty Judy

15: Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
No, it's fine he's on my mind. It's gonna take awhile for me to shake Shawday Dick-Wop. But I'mma be aww'ight.

16: Do you care what others think about you?
Bitch. Please! **rolls eyes...then whispers** don't talk about me. :-( I'm sen-suh-tee-yiv.

17: Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Married or buried cuz I'd rather be pushin' flowers than to be in my bed and alone for umpteen hours.

18: Did you have a good day?
Everything's better once my homegirl Mary Jane comes through and lets me break her down to the very last compound.

19: What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
Winning the lotto and being DEBT-FREE!! I'm puttin' it in the ay-yer!!! 'Tis GOING to happen!

20: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Hmmm...that's hard...let's see...**thinking HARD** ZERO!

21: What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
Him thinking I really like him when I only phone to bone.

22: When was the last time you got flowers?
Let's see...take the 8, carry the one, divide by the hypotenuse of the isosceles triangle, times Pi...that would be about a year ago.

23: Do you plan on moving in the next year?
Hail naw! I'm mad comfy in my honeycomb hideout.

24: Do you like winter?
Winter? What's that? Is that what people who can't afford to live in the Paradise of Southern California deal with in the months between December and April?!

25: Do you regret anything?
I regret everything. I ain't shit.

26: Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Naw, I prefer late night mutual masterbation.

27: Do you like to cuddle?
I do! I do! Wanna cuddle with me?!?!?!

28: Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Sex. Bills. Fuckin'. Money. Bonin'. Money. Screwin'.

29: Honestly, how many people have you really liked in the past year?
Probably about 4. I getz around.

30: Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
I think a lot of people can kiss my oversized, cottage cheese, flat as an ironing bored azz.

31: How late did you stay up last night?
Like the letter after X: Why?!

32: Ever met a real life prostitute?
Yes! Even had the ho' in my house!!!

33: Are you going to grow apart from someone close?
Already have. And I miss the bitch. But she's changed for the worse. Liked her better when she was genuine. Now, I'll love her from afar.

34: Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
Yep, Ny-zer last week. And Cam every time she crosses my doorstep...**thinking**...or do I be nekkid?!

35: Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for?
Only 2. And you call them 'Mom and Dad.'

36: Happy most of the time?
I'm happiest when I'm high and written rhymes about nuttin' in ya eye, one time for ya mind.

Flavor in your Sinceer

If you're a reg'la SF'er, you know I LOATHE but still tuned in to [/embarrassed] all incarnations of the Flavor series'iz'zis. Especially this past season since resident "nemesis" Sinceer is reppin' my hometown.
DAYGO! DAYGO! HELLO! It's DAYGO! **doin' a 'Tard-Lite version of the Shawty-Lo**

Being that Sinceer is currently a friend of mine via my personal Myspace, I came across a blog she wrote last night. Subject at a glance: HATERS

I'll refrain from giving my opinion (for a change. **checkin' Hell's temperature**) and allow you fine ladies and gents to form your own opinions about what Sinceer is spittin' via her Craigslist Erotic Services ad Myspace page.

**DISCLAIMER ALERT**
Being that I've already addressed the bullshit azz idea of 'hate' I'mma zip it and zip it good. I DON'T take that ish seriously because 'hate' is just another person's opinion. And we all know opinions are like shitty Pinky Starfishes: From time to time, we ALL have one.
As an adult, to embrace the concept of 'hate' is comical to me. But...to each their own. **shrugs**

As a single big biatch with a respectable, yet low-paying job and an equally low hanging bellay, I'd honestly rather be doing spending big face pennies than slaingin' ass like this....or that in order to get VIP to a club that's gon' get shot up 45 minutes to close ANYdayumway.

So before anybody fixes the their fonkay gums to say, "You just mad cuz YOU ain't on TV" or "Don't hate cuz YOU cain't!" I'll make the 'HURSH' gesture with my fangaz, quick-like, and say: "Ninja, puhleez."
Cuz while bitches these nice, young ladies were fugazi-ass-tear-manufacturin' and wishin' on that fallen star, I'z in a reg'la car, tokin' out with a candy bar. And mighty satisfied with it, too.

Plus, I knoooowww if I peruse the 'net long enough, I'm 1 tumillion% soy'tin I could find a site featuring bitches with the multi-pack belly AND back game out and about for the viewing pleasure of international credit card-swiping Club Chub admirers ready to get their Raspusha 'OWN', ok-k-k?
But I choose to no-exposed-tittay-or-ass-cheeks-involved low wage it and show my brain not give it by spittin' my life to this keyboard and blog.

Now that that's done...
Follow her nah if you give a fuck.

Well..... as you all know Sinceer is officially the most hated on Flavorette in Flavor of Love history!!! And I say that proudly. You never realize how many people out there have issues until you become the target of these losers!!!
Since the show has aired I've been constantly harrased (only online because nobody would dare talk shit in my face) as well as some of my supporters... I'm doing this blog not because these haters are bothering me.... but because they are bothering some of you....(<--Well, ain't that spesh'o? -Sav) sometimes these losers go thru the extent of creating a fake myspace profile request me as a friend.... wait for the friend request is approved and then post these dumb ass comments on my page like I give a fuck what they think.... some of my people see these comments and reply back with a comment and then the hater starts harrassing them.....
I just want my supporters to know ain't no way in hell is any of these things these people are saying affecting me (REALLY?! Then what's the reason for this blog?! Things that make you go "BULLSHIT!"-Sav) what so ever so if you see a loser on my page ignore them because I do... people talk about my forehead but Myamee's forehead is bigger then mine but nobody says shit about hers, (Aww. Another prime example of how it's NOT affecting you. I see you! -Sav)
damn bottle of wine, I get called a bad mom when Hotlanta admitted she ain't pay her rent to be on the show and Bunz admitted she was behind on bills and my bills were paid (how did I end up being called a bad mom),
I get called a backstabber when the twins backstabbed everybody in the beginning, Heezinz backstabbed Thing 1 and Black backstabbed Heezinz,
I get called uneducated when I have a bachelors degree, (Word?! Would love to see THAT side instead of the backside, crackside. -Sav) a job, and I'm one of the only girls in the house who don't live with my parents...these examples given are the reasons why I say I'm the most hated on because people only focus on "me" and try to find anything wrong with "me" and even make up shit...
if you ask me why I think I'm the most hated on the show.... it's because I was the strongest in the house... I was one of the most entertaining on the show.... I had the most self esteem and I didn't give a fuck what anybody thought about me (until the moment you sat down to compose this blog, riiiight? -Sav) ....
these haters are mad that I got on a tv show with my bad attitude while they're stuck behind a computer hating....
these haters are mad that with all the shit talking they did about my forehead and about my attitude I came on the reunion making sure my forehead showed and my attitude was even worse!!! (www.OBVIOUS.com -Sav)
So with that said I'm gonna continue to be me... the more haters I have the more I know that I'm doing something right otherwise they wouldn't have anything to hate on!!!!
And I know alot of yall can relate to what I'm goin thru with these losers cuz I see most of yall have haters too so we all must be doing something right!!!



Now that THAT'S over...**yawning, wonderin' if it's Good Morning time yet**

Why do YOU think she has so many haters?

• IS it the forehead?
• The OBVIOUS playing up for the cameras?
• The fact that we've all seen this show before?
• Or are we all just effin' bored with FOL alum **air quotes** bad ackin' and fresh-off-elimination-T&A-slaingin'?

My opinion is off limits so I shaln't. YOU make the call!

The HAIL We Cain't!

I'm happy like dugouts stay nappy for mah man, Barack Obama. The first round of proverbial "dirt" has, indeed, been knocked off your shoulders, bruh!

For those of us who are politically-aware, I'm sure you're with me in recognizing the "bigness" of this nomination.

For those not politically-savvy, I need you to realize how this is the first time in the 230+ year history of these United States, the world's **air quotes and eye rolls** Melting Pot, that a Black man has clinched the nomination of a major political party.

For those who STILL ain't "own" like a disconnected phone, but will rock a "FREE J-BO" knee-length, black T faster than I can holla: "MAN DRESS!," let me give it to you straight with no grape Kool-Aid chaser:
This is the first time eva, EVA, EV-VUH that a ninja has had a 50/50 shot at being our next President. NO BULLSHITTIN'!
*****
"Stoked" ain't even a descriptive enough adjective to express the sheer amount of pride, excitement, and exhilaration I'm experiencing for both my people and this country. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from shootin' this biatch the hell up! Just to witness the apathy and trickery that's plaguing the poor and middle class OR the blatant displays of injustice repeatedly manifested against minorities, in general, is beyond disheartening. Especially given the fact that we were brought or encouraged to immigrate for their benefit. **shaking head**
For those of us suffering under Bush Administration/Republican "business as usual," just the thought of change and the idea of "YES WE CAN" is welcome and refreshing.
So, in celebration of this momentous occassion AND Black Music Month, let my brutha (and fellow Obama supporter!) Stevie Steve demonstrate what, at this second, I cain't articulate.


*****

**side-eye'in the "On-The-Fencers": I'm talkin' to YOU, homay!
I urge anyone reading this who may be on the fence about voting, PERIOD, to conjure up the feelings of your childhood when your parents told ya ass NOT to do something. Didn't whatever it was become that much more appealing and you'd stop at NUH'CHIN to do what you were told time and time again NOT to do?
If you've answered "HAIL YEAH!," then use this same "logic" towards getting out to vote. Because it wasn't that long ago that THEY would stop at nuh'chin to prevent us from doing so.

Like my girl Fre said: "Usually the ones complaining about the system are the SAME ones who DID NOT vote."
At a time like this, the country CANNOT afford your indifference. With politics being dirtier than a set of Superhead tonsils and the race on track to get uglier than Jay-Z before the money, there's no time like the present to GET IN THE GAME!
Let's get American Idol-vote'ish out this bitch! NO, there's no 1-800 or text number to cast your vote. But believe me, as someone who's been voting for 10 years now: the "Pride Payment" is a bigger payoff than one can imagine.

For the "non-felonious" (<--Fre, you'za mess!) who aren't yet registered, but would like to: Follow me nah for Voter Registration Deadlines by state.
Even though you have until October to do so, why wait? If Foot Locker was having a FREE JORDANS event, I can pretty much bet my penny paycheck that your neck-break game would be oh-so strong to get down there. Employ the same thought process for some shit that REALLY matters, mmmkay?


Oh, and in closing, to mah dude, B-Rock Obeezy who has ON-LOCKED the nomineezy:
Hilly C. might be a good running mate, afterall! She appears to be a ride or die-type bia bia to me! Don't sleep on how "The Teflon Blonde" survived sniper fire in Bosnia, mayne!

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E.

Guess it's finally come to this, SF'ers.

**head in hands, type-dejected**

For the first time since I was a gotdayumed teen
Got my ass on SD Trans' wit' a mug on mean
Had to park the Honda fast
'Tro prices whooped my ass

Got a 16 gallon tank that I couldn't satiate
So I pump my Airwalk sneaks
Not my anti-lock brakes
The Land of the Free?
Please! Gimme a break
Cuz my Nell Carter game
On its way to deflate
Cuz I gotta beat my feet
'Steada beatin' down the street
Less I give ExxonMo my arm, leg, and my teef

The Home of the Brave
Got us livin' like slaves
How I'm government-paid
Yet livin' like min' wage?
1-fifty in a month outta buy me some stunts
Or a hunk in some Dunks
'Least a couple dozen blunts

Try to set my soul at ease
But ain't no comfort in the trees
Cuz I steady day dream of
Days livin' fancy-free
But now I'm payin' like I weigh
Since Bush owed his homies a solid
So they emptyin' my wallet
Sendin' they kids off to college
While I'm 5 a.m. bus pimpin'
On my way to make a livin'
They sittin' back, straight chillin'
Talkin, "Man! We made a killin'!'"
Well, enjoy it while you can
Takin' my life away from me
Play the country like dummies
You isle hop and fuck honeys
But remember one thang
While ya days still sunny
High hog livin' NOW but:
God DON'T like ugly!

We're Gonna Make It

...That's fa sho
If you're stressed
Then let it GOOOOOO

VH-1 Soul: Thanks for the early mornin' bless and word to 'Tribe Called Quest. That's the realest shit I NEED to hear right now.
(Hip Hop Heads: Check the 1:25 mark for a young Kanye West affiliate, Consequence, lookin' like a present-day Lupe Fiasco)

Happy Black Music Month, my pee'po'z!

Today's the first day of Operation: Public Transit...and needless to say, I'm stressed to DEF.
For the first time in over a decade I've had to raise my head 2 1/2 hours EARLIER than I'm used to (<--Fuck.) just to prep for a 2-hour, 12-mile trek that'd usually take me no more than 25 minutes in traffic. **tears**

As a So'Cal native, I've been conditioned to be strapped to my vehicle. Especially here in "Daygo" where public transit is laughable at best. It's not uncommon to transfer from bus to trolley to bus to dayum Razr scooter just to get 10 miles away. And that'll take you no less than a couple hours and you'll STILL have to walk a good 22 blocks or so just to get to your destination.
Back in the mid-to-late 90s I was a San Diego Transit Savvy. I knew all the routes and run times. Now...I'm only used to exercising my key-clickin' finger. Dammit, man!
So I've prayed and packed my patience game and just hope I make it on time. And don't be afraid to shout me out if you see me walkin' and/or Green Linin' it. Like DJ Khaled and 'nem: HOLLA @ ME, BAYBEH! And if you're also victim of this gas price BS, please believe: WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!

Miss me

I ain't hardly in the motherbloggin' mood today.
I woke up at 2am with an em-effin’ sore throat and the MAAAD desire to stay in bed until 2pm...which I basically did.
If it wasn’t for having to call into work and get an actual LIVE voice since muhfuckas act like a voicemail won’t suffice (GRRRR!) AND having to move my car at the crizzack of dawn since the city is doing “upgrades” on my street (read that as: kicking up dust and not doin’ a muthafuck!) I might STILL be a citizen of Slumber City.

There's something ohso! therapeutic (and rebellious!) about laying around until I get good and gotdayumed ready to start my day and live my life. Ain't nothing better than saying a big, fat, “FUCK YOU!” to my alarm clock, rising earlier than the sun does, doing Frogger through traffic and the politics of working with some ( ) people.
Right now, if I could BK my life and have it my way, with plenty of money in the bank, shawty whatchu drank, I wouldn’t get out of bed for NOTHING short of the following:

Some REGULAR dickin’ by an 8 inch or BETTER cockasaurus. **salivating** I need that in my life!! Ain’t noooooo reason for this here drought season!! It’s a dayum shame that I was getting’ more dickage in my TEENS (Hi, mom!) when I had to sneak than I’m getting’ now that I’z a big girl with my own spot! I should be MC Hammer’in this biznitch and TURNIN’ THIS MUTHA OUT!! EFF!!! I’ll take that REGGIE BUSH dickin’ connected to a dark, ig’nit, lil’ sum’in from New Orleans (Slow down, baaayyyyybeh!), Philly (Eaaarrrrlllly!) or Jamaica, por favor.

The guys from Heatherette, Richie Rich and Traver Rains, calling me to see if I’d be the muse for their new plus size line, "Boobenesque." I'm talkin, muse, model, spokesbitch, and **gettin' far too big for my britches** equal pot'na. CHA-CHING!

Being a nightly fly on the wall in Jayonce’s “newlywed” love nest. Cuz I just GOTTA know how that’s goin’ down. Since Bey’s public image is SO controlled, I just picture ol’ girl goin’ WILD on Jigga’s pants pole, lacefront danglin' from the chandelier, while uncontrollably exclaiming, “NOW I JUS’ WANNA LUHV YA!”

An endless supply of Lane Bryant’s Passion lace-lined plunge bras. Since mine act like I got endless gubmit employee dough to spend and only have a shelf life of about 5 months. (GRRR!!!) So what that they only go up to a 44DD and I’m at LEAST a G!! (Yes, boys! **wank, wank**) I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t be stuffing Thing 1 and Thing 2 such a smizzall brizza, but the raw sexxxayness and overly abundant “Cleveland” that that ish makes is to DIE for!

An all expenses paid trip to every island in the Caribbean. With an 8’er or better eagerly awaiting my "arrival" (<-in more ways than one! **wank, wank**) at every port.

A 24 hour Glam Squad to give my ass a new look on the daily. Yeah, I’m gettin’ by with my kitchen azz glue-in and Wet N’ Wild cosmetic arsenal, but it’s time to step my gizzame izzup. The summer is rapidly approaching and I ain’t HARDLY tryna get caught coming off a waterslide with my weave in HAND rather than on my head like it was 2 summers ago. (Remember that Nas, Kita, T-Mama, and Angel?) **committing suicide**

But I'd forsake AAALLLL of the above for just a teeny drip drop of this:

Hell...times, like my unfondled nipples, is hard! I'd even take some of THIS!

Give me that Dusty Looooooooove!

Good morning, SavvyFatty'ers! Happy Tuesday! (<--whatever the hell that means! If it ain't Friday, it ain't right!)
Ain't much going on this morn. I am SUPERVISOR and CARING ABOUT WORK-FREE today! So...you just do you! And U'mma do me! Sittin' at work chillin' on SavvyFatty!

Sooooo...let's cut to the chase:
I think someone has an office crush on ya ol' girl.
**noddin' head while lickin' lips and poppin' starched white collar**

And why wouldn't they? I mean I only steps up in this piece in the best collared shirts, sweaters and jeans (<--YUP! Found out they couldn't really enfore a dress code cuz we're gubment employees...so I tucked the slacks like an iced out chain on the corner of MLK Blvd and Malcolm X Ave!!) that Lane Bryant and their $50 off a purchase of $150 or more coupons can buy!

For the past few weeks one of my elderly coworkers (YES!) has had NO problem standing behind me for a good 86 seconds before actually opening her (YES! HER!) gums to say something. And usually when she does finally speak, it's some half thought-through NON-funny joke or gossip that I'm supposed to be remotely interested in. But since she's on the geriatric set and the only other negroid in my office, I entertain her bullshit by smiling sweetly.

And how do I know she's there in the first place, you ask?
Well, first off: The beezy is forever rockin' at least one piece of one of them circa 1991 noisy ass jogging suits. If she ain't rockin' the pants and causing bleeding ears throughout the building with each footstep, she is mosdef in the jacket. That shit right there gives her away as soon as she stands up out of her chair and steps out of her cube. All you hear in the aisle is "Swish swoosh sweesh swoosh." And when it stops directly behind my head, at that moment, I know she's there. Standing silently while staring at the back of my weave.

I NEVER turn around. NEVER EVER for fear that if I turn around too soon she'll be licking the PolyDent off her dentures and forming a dust cloud by rubbing the hail out of what's left of her clit.
Because...why else would she be staring at the back of my dome for so long? Other than the fact that she's imagining what it would be like to have all 2 packs of my Venus MicroYaky all up and through her fingers as I'm diving lips first into her lovely lady lap. **coats back of throat with corny vomit**

Damn me for being the sexy big beast I am!!!!!!!

CESAR is the reason for the season!

I know some of y'all is like, "DAAAAAMMNN!!! That bitch is a pussy postin' MONSTAH today!"
Yup! In my white tee!
And the reason...It's Cesar Chavez day, snitches!! A Cali holiday!!!! And a bitch got TIIIIMMEEE!!! I'z at home just kickin' it like Xscape in my Faded Glory tank, Mossimo sweats, mismatched socks and NEW! weave.
Oh, I just LUV'Z me a 3-day weekend!!!! Ain't NUH'CHIN like it!!!!! (Well, maybe a fresh order of rolled tacos with sour cream, cheese, guacamole and a horchata...or Floyd Mayweather, Idris Elba and Kim Kardashian fighting over who's gonna bless my tiny mike first!)

So sit back, relax, read on and getcho comment on, you bastahds!

It's just a BOOTYCALL!

Sooooo…now that I got my own house, drive my own car, 1 job, work hard, a FAT, baaad broad, needless to say I’m feelin’ myself a lil’ bit. Anyone who knows me personally knows it’s been a long road to I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E (do you know what that means, man?).

Besides being 100% ON MY OWN to put the icing on the fat kid’s cake: I now have my OWN computer! One that I can sit at in my drawls! WHOO HOO OWWW!!!!! Do you know what that means to a horny toad like myself?
NO?!
Well if you don’t know, now you know, ninja: FREE DOWNLOADED PORN!
YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!

I know I’m probably the LAST emm-effer in the world to see that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson joint. (Don’t see what all the hype is about. Maybe I’m just a lucky ducky, but I’ve been seeing meat like that since the mid-90s. YAAWWWNN!)
Oooh! And that Mr. Marcus and Superhead! MAAAANNN!! All I’mma say about that is what my man E-40 said many moons ago: THAT BIATCH COULD TEACH THE WEED HOW TO BLOW! She should start a class at the Learning Annex or travel the country holding formal seminars. She’s a BEEEEEAAAASSSSTTT! No wonder she ain’t married.
(You know men don’t like to wife a woman who gives them PLEASURE. Same reason I’m still on the market. DAMN SKILLS!!!! **Tears while prepping my noose**)

So one night while I was late-night surfing in my drawls, I come across OnlineBootyCall. (OBC)

I’ve heard of the site before, but never really examined it for myself. The whole philosophy behind the site is to find someone to hookup with…ASAP! The motto: “Finding the pieces without the puzzle” cracks me the fuck up! I hear it, OBC!
So, being the inquiring mind that I am, I started an account-for RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, people! Don’t judge me, bro!
I uploaded a random face pic of myself. It wasn’t a Glamour Shot nor was I showing off my big girl goodies. Just wanted to put a pic up since I know profiles with pics get more love and potential “booty.” Oh! The possibilities! (LOL!)

WELL! WELL! WELL! OBC delivered. And FAST! Within the HOUR I had no less than 10 people asking for my “booty.” (Mind you this was almost 4 o'clock in the morning!) I couldn’t even view booty for someone trying to instant message me talking about, “What’s up for tonight?” Tonight? Fa REAL? Damn! Like that, OBC? Tonight? No kinda small talk, chit-chat bullshit, huh? Don’t even ask me how my day went, how my night is going. Just what’s up with them pannays. Ok, OBC: I gotchu!

I spent a good hour browsing the male booty section. It was full of short guys, regular guys, church-going (looking!) guys, old men, child molesters, rapists, your school principal, etc.
There is A LOT of exposed man meat on there, too, ladies. The fellaz aren’t shy about doing their best 50 Cent impression or about showing off their taco meat. **blech**

I was still very much awake after I exhausted the countless pages of male booty. So...wasn't shit left to do but to wander on over to the double X-chromosome booty. (By the way: I listed my orientation as 'Bisexual.' That way I can browse and get booty from BOTH sexes. Like R. Kelly and Jigga-Man said: BEST OFFFFFF BOOOTTTTHHH WORLDS, YEAH!!! )
Didja know: OBC is not only a site, it’s also a learning experience as I never knew there were so many women born with ONLY asses and high heels! Every other picture was of an ashy, rusty booty’d ho with a cheap pair of Skittles-colored swap meet stilettos on, bent over showing the WORLD when her next period was due. Mmm! Tasty. **coats back of throat with vomit**

I’ve only been on OBC for about a week and a half now and I have about 20 people on my BootyCall list, both males and females. (Remember: For RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY!!) I’ve turned down probably another 50 or so as I’m NOT into lames, midgets, jheri curls, great grandpas, To Catch a Predators, or Pimpin’ Pastors. I’m only a Bronze OBC member, meaning I ain’t paid for SHIT. So I can’t actually communicate with people unless they are paid Gold Members (<--hilarious!). So I am basically just a spectator. But it’s interesting to see the kinds of people from AAALLL walks of life who are just looking for a quick fuck. **logging on right now** Sister Maria Catherine...datchu?!?!?!! :-o

Oh! And if I got your email address, don't think for a SECOND that I won't try to find your OBC profile with it. There's a feature where if you put in your email address, they can tell you which one of your contacts is already a member. If you don't want me to start namin' names, start erasing profiles ASAP! HAHA!!!!!!!

Double Oh! I forgot to mention the RATING SYSTEM. Yes! If you have a pic up, other members can rate your booty. Currently my booty is rated at a lowly 4.75. **blank face**
REALLY, OBC!?!? I ain't worthy of a 6? Guess y’all ain’t feelin’ my homemade weaves and Wet N Wild lipstick, huh?
Damn! **wondering what Star’Quishawn and Zalomonisea got rated for showing the world their booty meat**

Hmmmm….Maybe it’s time for a change.

AS IF!

Monday SCHMUNDAY! **grrrrrr**

Hey SavvyFatty'ers!!

It's Monday and I'm working on EMPTAY! I'm not tired...I just don't want to be here. I was already almost 3 hours late fucking around with the lady from General Services in the Badges division.
SHOUTS to dat biatch Maria Conchita Enriqueta Guadalupe Hermosilla de Guadalajara for giving me the third emm'effin degree like my folks ain't been here since the cultivation of AmeriKKKa!!!! So I'mma write that tramp a lil sumthin to let her know how I feel about her infringing upon my Monday morning"

Dear MCEGHdG:
I SOOOO appreciate YOU telling ME where I work, what I need and DON'T need to get into my building, questioning my FACE and HAIR and SMILE all while wearing an INSIDE OUT jacket and a stroke-laced lip saggin' dirty toothed grin! BITCH! Puhleez!!! How you gon' question me about ANYTHING when you lookin like you still got border dust under ya fingernails and in ya chonclas?!?!? And don't ack like I don't know why that jacket was inside out. That's ya "sellin'" jacket and if you turned it inside out everybody at work would know the prices you charge for tamales, chicle and for lettin' the donkey eff ya CHOCHA!
So...think before you break out the Patriot Act on folks again. Cuz I got 3 words for you, hoe: LA MIGRA, BITCH!
P.S.
I AM NOT THE ONE! I mean... "No soy el uno" (or something like that!)


So...in celebration of the fact that I ain't got ISH to say today...here goes a SURVEY, thirstay!

1. List two facts about the last person you kissed.

a.) I love that man more than he'll EVER know.

b.) If he don't hurry up and realize I'm the one for him...I'll just keep on waiting till he does (D'OH!)

2. What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?

I'm an old snatch!! **tears**

3. Do you believe there's always room in your heart for your first love?

Yes, there's always room for my first love. **licks lips at the thought of an order of 5 rolled tacos with cheese, sour cream and guacamole**

4. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's underwear?

Hail naw! I like my men taaaallll and lankay. I couldn't fit anything of there's...well, maybe ONE thing. **wank, wank** OWWWWWWW!!!

5. Where is the next place you will travel to?

I wish Jamaica where I could lay out on the beach in my fat girl bikini, with 2 fine dred-locked men laying on either side of me with FAT GANJA BLUNTS rolled and ready. Ahhhhhh!!!

6. Do you want to get married & have kids one day?

I already have a kid AND a grandkid. (I move fast in 2 years, riiiight) So I'm DONE. Now it's time for me and ya papa to have some alone time...SO GET ON!!!!

7. Do you curse a lot?

What kinda bitch ass question is that, you muthafuckin' shithead?

8. Have you ever kissed in a pool?

Nope. But if you want summa this, meet me at the Y and it's goin DOOOOWWWWNN!

9. Do you like to have long hair or short hair?

Which set of hair are you talking? The natural or the MicroYaky?

10. Do you like ice cream?

LOVE IT like this fat kid loves cake...and donuts...and rolled tacos...and Chipotle Barbacoa burritos...and gyros...and sushi...and ya daddy.

11. What's your favorite color?

Red, blood! **tosses up random retarded gang sign**

12. What does the last text in your inbox say and from who?

From my babe, telling me he misses me. **temperature in panties rises from normal to "MOIST"

14. Have you ever lied to protect someone's feelings?

NEVER! NOPE! I straight up told that ninj that his DI was TINIER than Tim. And I had to tell that other one that he WASN'T so fresh and so clean. Tain't easy bein' ME!

15. Are you hiding something from your parents?

HAIL YES!! They'd shart their drawls if they knew the REEEEAAALLLL me!

16. Do you get jealous of other people easily?

Only person I'm jealous of is Stedman Graham cuz his S-Curl since the 80s ass been hittin my babymama off to where she ack like she cain't call noboday!

17. What's the best thing about having a boyfriend/girlfriend?

REGULAR SCREWIN', DUUUHHHHH!!!!

18. How did you meet the last person you kissed?

At work...but SHHHH!!!!!!

19. Have you ever been asked "does size matter?"

YUP! And the person who asked SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!!!!

20. Are you of great importance in someone else's life??

Dayum right I am!! Now tell me how BURNT your existence would be without your daily dose of The Savviest of Fatties?!?!?!

21. Whats your favorite saying?

NINJA!!!!!!!!!!

22. Is there anybody that knows your deepest, darkest secret?

YUP! And I'd never tell that biatch SHIT else! Matter of fact...**dialin' Tony Soprano and 'nem**

23. Could you fit down your chimney?

I can barely fit these Lane Bryant Made for Fatties jeans...so unless the chimney got Stretch-Flex and a tummy panel...

24. What is the oldest person you would date right now?

I'm like Mary J: I love without a limit! If John McCain, Bob Dole, and Joan Rivers wanted to swing my way, I'm ALLL IN!

28. Do you stick up for what you believe in?

Damn right! And I believe in the power of me and Oprah's love! So Stedman: WATCH YO S-CURL, BRUH! **flicking lighter at his Wave Nouveau**

29. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?

Yup! Everybody who rushes to the club to get in line before 10pm to get in FREE, but couldn't take they ig'nit asses to the polls to vote. UNGRATEFUL ASS IDIOTS!

30. If you could go back in time would you?

I'd go back to 95 and/or 96, back to the days when I was gettin' it on the REG-GU-LAR!!!!!!!!

31. Do you use your middle finger often?

Only late at night when I'm lonelay and watching downloaded porno on my computer. That middle finger ain't no PUNK!

32. What's annoying you right now?

BILLS! BILLS! BILLLLLLLSSSSS!!!!!

33. Are you a really understanding person?

Fuck no! I don't understand shit! You no English...Me no care! You no have legs. YOU GET OFF STAIRS!

34. Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?

**looks out into the crowd**

You...and you...oooh! And you...Why you hidin'? YOU, TOO!

I CHOOSE YOU, BAY-BAY!!!!

Valentine's Day, SCHMALENTINE'S DAY!



In all my deuce-eight years, I don't think I've ever really had a GREAT Valentine's Day.
I remember the first one I celebrated (without getting mass amounts of Sesame Street, Rainbow Brite, Get Along Gang, etc Vday cards like in elementary school or friendly Candygrams in Jr. High) was in '95. I was with a dude who looked like a 90s Hip Hop version of Dudley off of Diff'rent Strokes. Please somebody for the LIFE of me tell me why he came over with a CHRISTMAS bag filled with an OPEN heart-shaped tin filled with chocolates and a glass SNOWMAN jar HALF-filled with M&Ms. Gravy! A RECYCLED and REGIFTED Vday!! **tears**

Closest thing to aw'ight was maybe VDay 2000 (or was it '01? Or '02? DAMMIT! One of them years when I still had my REAL eyebrows!)
I was with my ex. (For those that know me, you know, the CRAYZAY one who would sit on my porch at 2am waiting for me to get home from the club? The one who followed me to my OTHER ex's house and left mail on my windshield? The one who wasted a pint of QUALITY Dreyer's ice cream by chucking it at my Neon just cuz I didn't tell him I was going to the store? Yeah, his psycho ass!)
Anywhoo...We made a day of it by going to the Auto Show, then to Olive Garden for "linner" or "dunch" (whatever you wanna call that time between lunch and dinner) then we hung out all night. It was cool. But I DO remember thinking about my OTHER ex-boyfriend the WHOLE day. Wondering if he was thinking about my ol' lovesick ass. It was TRULY sad, let me tell you! Here I was enjoying my Stuffed Chicken Parmigiana or Tour of Italy or whatever cheesy/saucy special OG had going on then thinking about a guy who could give 2 SHITS about my ass! I wondered if he was gonna PAGE (hahahaaha! Remember that?!?!!!!) me and say SOMETHING...ANYTHING Alas, he didn't! FUCKER!

And this Vday is no different than MOST of my sorry ass history of Vdays. Don't really have a REAL love to spend the day with. Got several Vday texts. Even got asked by my NUMERO UNO to be his Valentine, but really...what does that entail? Me at work, him at work. Me off work chillin at the pad, him going to his other job and staying there all night, Me at home sittin Indian-style on my floor, knife to my throat while prepping my noose for some hangeration.
GRAVY! That's the way love goes!

So, in honor of the day that makes me question my mortality I present you with some quotes from my favorite UGK Album, 2001's Dirty Money, spit by my FAVORITE Love-Hater and Disrespecker, Pimp C! RIP to my fellow Light Skindid, Plus Sized, Love-Hatin' Lean Sippa, Tony Snow aka Sweet James Jones!!!!!!! FUCK BITCHES! GET $$$!!!!!

What that bitch said/Pimpin ain't dead/I'm still gettin head/Got your dike bitch in my waterbed/Hit her from behind/4 or 5 times/Put that dick up in her spine/I done blew your bitch mind/Look at me! ("Look at Me")

I got them bitches popping pussy getting buck (getting buck)/And you know that we couldn't give a fuck (give a fuck)/I got them bitches on the corner selling cock (selling cock)/And the game that I got don't stop (don't stop) ("Like a Pimp")

Fuck how them bitches feel, I'm working wood wheel ("Don't Say Shit")

And a BONUS! From 1996's Ridin' Dirty

When you look at my chrome and you lick your lips/It's just like I'm rubbin my dick between your hips/And when you smile and shake your ass, my grill smile right back/Bitch I'm the real, that's why I ride Cadillac/And I'ma fuck you and fuck ALL yo' friends/Soon as Pimp C come through in that 600 Benz/With burgundy paint, butter and LG rims/Color TV, VCR playin X-rated films/of myself, runnin up in beauty queens/But let me tell y'all niggaz the difference between y'all and me/You see, man I can tell all that bitch wanted to dois just ride for free and smoke for free/But bitch not me, you better ask them hoes if my name Pimp C/Unless your pussy makin ten thousand dollars a week/The only way I see you sittin in my passenger seat, you bitch!

Don't have nothing to do with Vday, but I just love this line from, "International Players Anthem":

My bitch a choosy lover/Never fuck without a rubber/Never in the sheets/Like it on top of the cover

**singin and doin a Four Tops dance**

I CHOOOOOSE YOOOUUUU, BAYBAY!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, BEEYATCHES!

Like Helen Keller...

...I ain't really got much to say today.

Still shopping for the perfect items for my new little place. Hitting up various decorating and small space blogs to see how I can PIMP MY STUDIO!

Also, been hitting up Craigslist seeking a part time gig cuz a beeyatch is BROKE.
So...don't be surprised if you see ya Savvy Fatty in Erotic Services kneeling on a cheap motel room bed, sportin' a crooked silky straight wig, red and black nightie, white fishnets, and clear heels holding a white teddy bear with a red heart talking about,
"Creamy Caramel BBW to keep you warm for these cold, lonely nights. Outcalls only! Purrfectly priced! Starting at 150 Roses an hour. Don't hesitate to call! *6*1*9*9*7*6*C*H*U*B*"

**singin and almost cryin** I said it's HAAAWWWWD OUT HEA' FO' A PEEUMP! When you tryna get this money for the rent...and a Chipotle Barbacoa burrito...and a Caribbean Passion Jamba Juice...and some skinny jeans in my size...and a new couch...and a new bed...and ANYTHING from 2Modern.com!!!!!!!

'TAINT E-ZAY!

**OH! Check out the new clock on the bottom of the blog, snitches! Ain't it hot?!??!?! Well actually it's cold...served fresh I mean.
It's SUSHI!!! (<--just like a fat girl, right?!?!?!!)

I got the BLUES!

And no...I don't mean the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese blues either. Even though that does sound DE-LECT-ABLE...especially with a little sprinkle of parmesan and Louisiana hot sauce added over the top for a lil kick. Ooh! And some Bacon bits. OOHHH!!!...and some...HOLD UP!!!! **calming and quieting my inner AND outer fat kid so I can kindly go on with my morning without being charged with attempted murder for putting an eye out with the button from my jeans**

It's Tuesday...the day after a 3-day weekend. Like I said yesterday: SHOUTS to my brotha MLK!! For the civil rights AAAANNND the extended weekend. ;-)

However...with all of that comes a mild case of the "Returning to Work After a 3-day Weekend" Blues.
Like I said, it's a mild strain, but it's taking its toll on ya girl nonetheless. I had the WORST time getting out of bed this morning. Probably because I wasn't in my own (**wink, wink** OOOHHH YEAH!! K-Ci! JoJo!!!!!!) and probably because I was MILES away from home with no flatiron, lip liner, lip gloss, bronzer...NOTHING! I was closer to work than I was to home, so I said SCREW IT! Why drive all the way home to drive all the way back this'a'way? EFF THESE FOLKS!!! If they don't like my 5th member of The Beatles bedhead look mixed with Mary's "Just Fine" hair, then SCREW EM!!! I don't come to work to be America's Next Top Fly Azz Co-worker! I come here to make just enough dough to afford HALF of a 25 cent box of Boston Baked Beans from the ice cream man every other week. That's MYYYYY motivation! EFF THE REST!

Ok...so I roll into work on TIME for a change. (One of the benefits of screwing someone who lives a mile away from the workplace! OWWWW!!!!)
Since I was not "up" yet, I snuck in the back door to avoid an unwanted and unnecessary convo with our building's security guard. He's the sweetest old man. (emphasis on "old." I swear I saw his yearbook and it was written in , please believe it!) I don't mind talking to him...in the MIDDLE of the week. It's just some mornings, especially after the weekend and/or a holiday, I DO NOT feel like laying down the weekend's itinerary for him. Especially after the weeeknd I just had. Because...is there EVER an appropriate way to tell a 80+ year old man that you spent most of the weekend FAAAAAYYYY-DID and bent over a...SEE! Can't even tell you guys! So how could I relay that to my elder?!?!?!

So...I ducked in the back door. That way I can enter my office without having to pass the security desk. GREAT! Convo averted...right?!?!?!?

WRRRROOONNNNGG!!! Guess who was lurking in the space between the back hallway entrance and my office door?!?!?! DING! DING! DIIIIINNNGG!!! YES! Sir Talks Alot! EFFFFFFF!!!!
DAMMIT! We made eye contact so I haaaaad to speak. I said a quick good morning while still hightailing it towards my door, badge out in front of me to wave in front of the sensor as soon as I approached it in order to make a quick getaway.

Convo went like this:
Me: **half-spirited** GOOD MORNING!
STA: Hey, hun! Good morning! How are you this morning! How was your weekend?!!!!!!
Me: GREAT! **badge waved and accepted, door pushed open...SAFE!**

So...it wasn't TTTHHAAATTT bad. But I always feel guilty. Afterall, he did play on Moses's commandment throwing team. He was right there with God offering up his opinion about how many days he should work on 'Project: Earth.' I mean...I'm just saying.

That's it! I'm SPENT! (No! Reeeeaaaaally this time! Told you where I was yesterday, last night aaaannnnd this morning.) Picture me 'afterglowin.' AAAAANNND picture me wantin to do it all over again! OOOWWWWW!!!!!!

**singin** Cuz I need SOMEBODYYYYYYY...

Happy MLK Day, my folks! Shouts to the Dream and us needing to live it DAILY! (Including me! Cuz when I get stuck in traffic behind the WRONG car or when I'm in Wal-Mart just simply trying to live my life...I can turn into fa real!!!!!Don't let my man's marches, speeches, and the people's sit-ins be in VAIN! And to those who still are on that racism and discrimination shit, just remember: CONTENT OF THE CHARACTER!
**Oh...and here's a funny to counter that negativity I spewed above:




Ok...**gettin out map and finding my city**
Last time I checked, I lived in Southern California. Always sunshining, mild weather, not a cloud in the SKY Southern California. Where it's hardly EVER jacket weather in the daytime. My city is the SHHH--I mean...a 10! Ehhh! A 10! My city is a 10!!!!!
Well...not today because guess what...it's raining!
**dialin and bitchin about false advertisement**

Anywhoo...is it just me (and my girls) who get that "Lovin' Feelin'" in this kind of weather? It's just something about the cold, hearing rain falling on the concrete, the moisture against the windows and the grey of the skies that makes me want to
And ask my friends: I am NOT that kind of girl. I'm more of a 'Wham Bam! Thank you, man! Now...uhhh...Don't you have somewhere to be other than on top of me?' type of girl. (that pic is HILARIOUS! Shouts to them South Park dudes!)

But not today. Not in this weather.
I feel like being the sixth (or 7th...depending on how you look at it) member of New Edition right now cuz I'm wantin to ask folks, "Can you stand the rain?" I can't! At least not alone. So...I'm off to be with my cuddle buddy.

Thinkin of another "rainy" song. Shouts to Eddie KAAAAANNE! **rusty voice singin, staggerin, half drunk, but mostly high in my unzipped performance jumpsuit** Nights like dis I wish/That rain drops would faaaallllll!!!!!!!!!

WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BEESHES!!!!!!!!!!

Ummm...that's pretty much it because:

I'm at "work." (<--term used soooo loosely because working Myspace, Craigslist San Diego, and Ebay and various style and home decor blogs like part time jobs is SOOOOOOO not working!)
I'm sitting here earning juuuuussstttt enough dough to NOT be able to afford the things I REEEEAAAALLLLYYYY want, like that L.A.M.B. foldover clutch bag in ANY color.

Or even the routine maintenance Honey D. Honda (my second born car baby) so desperately needs. I'd feel guilty buying a HAPPY MEAL right now. Hell! CAN I afford this 80 cent bag of kettle-cooked Jalapeno chips that are calling my name??!?!!
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! SHIT SUCKS!

So...I'm sitting here in my shared cube earning my bag of pennies and can of rancid Pocari right now by typing user names into an Excel spreadsheet. FUN in a box, riiiiggghhhttt?!!?! Well...depends on how you look at it. The name I just typed was "Karen Brain." (NO! Fa REAL!) First thought that came to my nasty lil' mind was: "I wonder what her middle name is. Possibly...**pondering for 1/2 a sec, then knowing undoubtedly what it MUST be**...............'Gives Good?'"
See! Work isn't all that bad. Plus somebody brought in DOUGHNUTS today! (My inner AND outter fat girl is LOVE-LOVE-LOVVVVVIIINNG that!) And it IS Friday, afterall. And...BONUS! A 3-day weekend! Thanks, MLK! BLACK LOVE!!

Sidenote: WHY DID I JUST TYPE 'Karen Gives Good' INTO THE SPREADSHEET?!?!?!!!
RAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAA!! (<--EEEVVVIIIILLL laugh as I think about SAVING it!!!!!)

I KILL ME!


SIDE Sidenote: I just got back from the place where AAAALLLL the coooool County employee kids hang...the BOOKMOBILE! Signed up for a card and everything! Not only did I get the cutest lil plastic, grocery-store discount club card looking thingamajig, but they also gave me a KEYCHAIN card. LOVE IT!
I'm so AMPED right now over the CONVENIENCE of being able to borrow books, DVDs, and CDs right in the PARKING LOT of my job. Man! Give me a wedgie and hand me a protractor, compass, and a pocket protector cuz I'm PSYCHED about the BOOKMOBILE! PICTURE ME NERDY!

Ok...I'm SPENT! **fans self** I'm off to act like I'm working for the remainder of the day.
So here's some words of wisdom for this weekend and all weekends to come:

BLITZ OUT WITH YOUR TITS OUT AND GET KICKED OUT IF YOU DON'T PULL YOUR DICKS OUT!!!

YEAH!