Thursday, February 14, 2008


Valentine's Day, SCHMALENTINE'S DAY!

In all my deuce-eight years, I don't think I've ever really had a GREAT Valentine's Day.
I remember the first one I celebrated (without getting mass amounts of Sesame Street, Rainbow Brite, Get Along Gang, etc Vday cards like in elementary school or friendly Candygrams in Jr. High) was in '95. I was with a dude who looked like a 90s Hip Hop version of Dudley off of Diff'rent Strokes. Please somebody for the LIFE of me tell me why he came over with a CHRISTMAS bag filled with an OPEN heart-shaped tin filled with chocolates and a glass SNOWMAN jar HALF-filled with M&Ms. Gravy! A RECYCLED and REGIFTED Vday!! **tears**

Closest thing to aw'ight was maybe VDay 2000 (or was it '01? Or '02? DAMMIT! One of them years when I still had my REAL eyebrows!)
I was with my ex. (For those that know me, you know, the CRAYZAY one who would sit on my porch at 2am waiting for me to get home from the club? The one who followed me to my OTHER ex's house and left mail on my windshield? The one who wasted a pint of QUALITY Dreyer's ice cream by chucking it at my Neon just cuz I didn't tell him I was going to the store? Yeah, his psycho ass!)
Anywhoo...We made a day of it by going to the Auto Show, then to Olive Garden for "linner" or "dunch" (whatever you wanna call that time between lunch and dinner) then we hung out all night. It was cool. But I DO remember thinking about my OTHER ex-boyfriend the WHOLE day. Wondering if he was thinking about my ol' lovesick ass. It was TRULY sad, let me tell you! Here I was enjoying my Stuffed Chicken Parmigiana or Tour of Italy or whatever cheesy/saucy special OG had going on then thinking about a guy who could give 2 SHITS about my ass! I wondered if he was gonna PAGE (hahahaaha! Remember that?!?!!!!) me and say SOMETHING...ANYTHING Alas, he didn't! FUCKER!

And this Vday is no different than MOST of my sorry ass history of Vdays. Don't really have a REAL love to spend the day with. Got several Vday texts. Even got asked by my NUMERO UNO to be his Valentine, but really...what does that entail? Me at work, him at work. Me off work chillin at the pad, him going to his other job and staying there all night, Me at home sittin Indian-style on my floor, knife to my throat while prepping my noose for some hangeration.
GRAVY! That's the way love goes!

So, in honor of the day that makes me question my mortality I present you with some quotes from my favorite UGK Album, 2001's Dirty Money, spit by my FAVORITE Love-Hater and Disrespecker, Pimp C! RIP to my fellow Light Skindid, Plus Sized, Love-Hatin' Lean Sippa, Tony Snow aka Sweet James Jones!!!!!!! FUCK BITCHES! GET $$$!!!!!

What that bitch said/Pimpin ain't dead/I'm still gettin head/Got your dike bitch in my waterbed/Hit her from behind/4 or 5 times/Put that dick up in her spine/I done blew your bitch mind/Look at me! ("Look at Me")

I got them bitches popping pussy getting buck (getting buck)/And you know that we couldn't give a fuck (give a fuck)/I got them bitches on the corner selling cock (selling cock)/And the game that I got don't stop (don't stop) ("Like a Pimp")

Fuck how them bitches feel, I'm working wood wheel ("Don't Say Shit")

And a BONUS! From 1996's Ridin' Dirty
When you look at my chrome and you lick your lips/It's just like I'm rubbin my dick between your hips/And when you smile and shake your ass, my grill smile right back/Bitch I'm the real, that's why I ride Cadillac/And I'ma fuck you and fuck ALL yo' friends/Soon as Pimp C come through in that 600 Benz/With burgundy paint, butter and LG rims/Color TV, VCR playin X-rated films/of myself, runnin up in beauty queens/But let me tell y'all niggaz the difference between y'all and me/You see, man I can tell all that bitch wanted to dois just ride for free and smoke for free/But bitch not me, you better ask them hoes if my name Pimp C/Unless your pussy makin ten thousand dollars a week/The only way I see you sittin in my passenger seat, you bitch!
Don't have nothing to do with Vday, but I just love this line from, "International Players Anthem":
My bitch a choosy lover/Never fuck without a rubber/Never in the sheets/Like it on top of the cover
**singin and doin a Four Tops dance**