It's just a BOOTYCALL!

Sooooo…now that I got my own house, drive my own car, 1 job, work hard, a FAT, baaad broad, needless to say I’m feelin’ myself a lil’ bit. Anyone who knows me personally knows it’s been a long road to I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E (do you know what that means, man?).

Besides being 100% ON MY OWN to put the icing on the fat kid’s cake: I now have my OWN computer! One that I can sit at in my drawls! WHOO HOO OWWW!!!!! Do you know what that means to a horny toad like myself?
NO?!
Well if you don’t know, now you know, ninja: FREE DOWNLOADED PORN!
YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!

I know I’m probably the LAST emm-effer in the world to see that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson joint. (Don’t see what all the hype is about. Maybe I’m just a lucky ducky, but I’ve been seeing meat like that since the mid-90s. YAAWWWNN!)
Oooh! And that Mr. Marcus and Superhead! MAAAANNN!! All I’mma say about that is what my man E-40 said many moons ago: THAT BIATCH COULD TEACH THE WEED HOW TO BLOW! She should start a class at the Learning Annex or travel the country holding formal seminars. She’s a BEEEEEAAAASSSSTTT! No wonder she ain’t married.
(You know men don’t like to wife a woman who gives them PLEASURE. Same reason I’m still on the market. DAMN SKILLS!!!! **Tears while prepping my noose**)

So one night while I was late-night surfing in my drawls, I come across OnlineBootyCall. (OBC)

I’ve heard of the site before, but never really examined it for myself. The whole philosophy behind the site is to find someone to hookup with…ASAP! The motto: “Finding the pieces without the puzzle” cracks me the fuck up! I hear it, OBC!
So, being the inquiring mind that I am, I started an account-for RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, people! Don’t judge me, bro!
I uploaded a random face pic of myself. It wasn’t a Glamour Shot nor was I showing off my big girl goodies. Just wanted to put a pic up since I know profiles with pics get more love and potential “booty.” Oh! The possibilities! (LOL!)

WELL! WELL! WELL! OBC delivered. And FAST! Within the HOUR I had no less than 10 people asking for my “booty.” (Mind you this was almost 4 o'clock in the morning!) I couldn’t even view booty for someone trying to instant message me talking about, “What’s up for tonight?” Tonight? Fa REAL? Damn! Like that, OBC? Tonight? No kinda small talk, chit-chat bullshit, huh? Don’t even ask me how my day went, how my night is going. Just what’s up with them pannays. Ok, OBC: I gotchu!

I spent a good hour browsing the male booty section. It was full of short guys, regular guys, church-going (looking!) guys, old men, child molesters, rapists, your school principal, etc.
There is A LOT of exposed man meat on there, too, ladies. The fellaz aren’t shy about doing their best 50 Cent impression or about showing off their taco meat. **blech**

I was still very much awake after I exhausted the countless pages of male booty. So...wasn't shit left to do but to wander on over to the double X-chromosome booty. (By the way: I listed my orientation as 'Bisexual.' That way I can browse and get booty from BOTH sexes. Like R. Kelly and Jigga-Man said: BEST OFFFFFF BOOOTTTTHHH WORLDS, YEAH!!! )
Didja know: OBC is not only a site, it’s also a learning experience as I never knew there were so many women born with ONLY asses and high heels! Every other picture was of an ashy, rusty booty’d ho with a cheap pair of Skittles-colored swap meet stilettos on, bent over showing the WORLD when her next period was due. Mmm! Tasty. **coats back of throat with vomit**

I’ve only been on OBC for about a week and a half now and I have about 20 people on my BootyCall list, both males and females. (Remember: For RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY!!) I’ve turned down probably another 50 or so as I’m NOT into lames, midgets, jheri curls, great grandpas, To Catch a Predators, or Pimpin’ Pastors. I’m only a Bronze OBC member, meaning I ain’t paid for SHIT. So I can’t actually communicate with people unless they are paid Gold Members (<--hilarious!). So I am basically just a spectator. But it’s interesting to see the kinds of people from AAALLL walks of life who are just looking for a quick fuck. **logging on right now** Sister Maria Catherine...datchu?!?!?!! :-o

Oh! And if I got your email address, don't think for a SECOND that I won't try to find your OBC profile with it. There's a feature where if you put in your email address, they can tell you which one of your contacts is already a member. If you don't want me to start namin' names, start erasing profiles ASAP! HAHA!!!!!!!

Double Oh! I forgot to mention the RATING SYSTEM. Yes! If you have a pic up, other members can rate your booty. Currently my booty is rated at a lowly 4.75. **blank face**
REALLY, OBC!?!? I ain't worthy of a 6? Guess y’all ain’t feelin’ my homemade weaves and Wet N Wild lipstick, huh?
Damn! **wondering what Star’Quishawn and Zalomonisea got rated for showing the world their booty meat**

Hmmmm….Maybe it’s time for a change.

AS IF!