Wednesday, February 27, 2008

It's just a BOOTYCALL!

Sooooo…now that I got my own house, drive my own car, 1 job, work hard, a FAT, baaad broad, needless to say I’m feelin’ myself a lil’ bit. Anyone who knows me personally knows it’s been a long road to I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.C.E (do you know what that means, man?).

Besides being 100% ON MY OWN to put the icing on the fat kid’s cake: I now have my OWN computer! One that I can sit at in my drawls! WHOO HOO OWWW!!!!! Do you know what that means to a horny toad like myself?
NO?!
Well if you don’t know, now you know, ninja: FREE DOWNLOADED PORN!
YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!

I know I’m probably the LAST emm-effer in the world to see that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson joint. (Don’t see what all the hype is about. Maybe I’m just a lucky ducky, but I’ve been seeing meat like that since the mid-90s. YAAWWWNN!)
Oooh! And that Mr. Marcus and Superhead! MAAAANNN!! All I’mma say about that is what my man E-40 said many moons ago: THAT BIATCH COULD TEACH THE WEED HOW TO BLOW! She should start a class at the Learning Annex or travel the country holding formal seminars. She’s a BEEEEEAAAASSSSTTT! No wonder she ain’t married.
(You know men don’t like to wife a woman who gives them PLEASURE. Same reason I’m still on the market. DAMN SKILLS!!!! **Tears while prepping my noose**)

So one night while I was late-night surfing in my drawls, I come across OnlineBootyCall. (OBC)
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I’ve heard of the site before, but never really examined it for myself. The whole philosophy behind the site is to find someone to hookup with…ASAP! The motto: “Finding the pieces without the puzzle” cracks me the fuck up! I hear it, OBC!
So, being the inquiring mind that I am, I started an account-for RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, people! Don’t judge me, bro!
I uploaded a random face pic of myself. It wasn’t a Glamour Shot nor was I showing off my big girl goodies. Just wanted to put a pic up since I know profiles with pics get more love and potential “booty.” Oh! The possibilities! (LOL!)

WELL! WELL! WELL! OBC delivered. And FAST! Within the HOUR I had no less than 10 people asking for my “booty.” (Mind you this was almost 4 o'clock in the morning!) I couldn’t even view booty for someone trying to instant message me talking about, “What’s up for tonight?” Tonight? Fa REAL? Damn! Like that, OBC? Tonight? No kinda small talk, chit-chat bullshit, huh? Don’t even ask me how my day went, how my night is going. Just what’s up with them pannays. Ok, OBC: I gotchu!

I spent a good hour browsing the male booty section. It was full of short guys, regular guys, church-going (looking!) guys, old men, child molesters, rapists, your school principal, etc.
There is A LOT of exposed man meat on there, too, ladies. The fellaz aren’t shy about doing their best 50 Cent impression or about showing off their taco meat. **blech**

I was still very much awake after I exhausted the countless pages of male booty. So...wasn't shit left to do but to wander on over to the double X-chromosome booty. (By the way: I listed my orientation as 'Bisexual.' That way I can browse and get booty from BOTH sexes. Like R. Kelly and Jigga-Man said: BEST OFFFFFF BOOOTTTTHHH WORLDS, YEAH!!! )
Didja know: OBC is not only a site, it’s also a learning experience as I never knew there were so many women born with ONLY asses and high heels! Every other picture was of an ashy, rusty booty’d ho with a cheap pair of Skittles-colored swap meet stilettos on, bent over showing the WORLD when her next period was due. Mmm! Tasty. **coats back of throat with vomit**

I’ve only been on OBC for about a week and a half now and I have about 20 people on my BootyCall list, both males and females. (Remember: For RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY!!) I’ve turned down probably another 50 or so as I’m NOT into lames, midgets, jheri curls, great grandpas, To Catch a Predators, or Pimpin’ Pastors. I’m only a Bronze OBC member, meaning I ain’t paid for SHIT. So I can’t actually communicate with people unless they are paid Gold Members (<--hilarious!). So I am basically just a spectator. But it’s interesting to see the kinds of people from AAALLL walks of life who are just looking for a quick fuck. **logging on right now** Sister Maria Catherine...datchu?!?!?!! :-o

Oh! And if I got your email address, don't think for a SECOND that I won't try to find your OBC profile with it. There's a feature where if you put in your email address, they can tell you which one of your contacts is already a member. If you don't want me to start namin' names, start erasing profiles ASAP! HAHA!!!!!!!

Double Oh! I forgot to mention the RATING SYSTEM. Yes! If you have a pic up, other members can rate your booty. Currently my booty is rated at a lowly 4.75. **blank face**
REALLY, OBC!?!? I ain't worthy of a 6? Guess y’all ain’t feelin’ my homemade weaves and Wet N Wild lipstick, huh?
Damn! **wondering what Star’Quishawn and Zalomonisea got rated for showing the world their booty meat**

Hmmmm….Maybe it’s time for a change.

AS IF!

1 comments:

msfre said...

male booty section. It was full of short guys, regular guys, church-going (looking!) guys, old men, child molesters, rapists, your school principal, etc.
I'm CRYING
girls bent over showing the world when they next period due????????