Jeez & Jizz

Young Jeezy, aka Bowling Ball Head Sims, stopped by the TRL studios to rob the place promote his latest project, The Recession. Although I'm not a fan of Conehead Jenkins and his affinity for rhyming a word with itself, I will say I luuuhhhh me some "Put On." Mainly because of the way Kanye spit that ghetto gospel on his verse. Or how Jeez likened the "fresh" of his car to tartar sauce and fish sticks. **rubbing tummy and licking lips as I "Trust the Gorton's Fisherman!"** Good one, Jeez!

The Recession is in stores now...and on LimeWire like 50'leven weeks ago. Getcho copay!

Donnie Klang (ICK! Hate.That.NAME! All it makes me think of this...which does NOTHING for the fact that I think Puffy is a PooPoo Pirate that likes to recruit existing or potential PooPoo Pirates.) was also in the buil'in to promote the fact that he's sounding like an anally-raped-at-a-hot-dog-stand version of Justin Timberlake with his single, "Take You There."

One positive about his appearance is that he got rid of that N'Sync, Backdoor Boys hair cut and color that was HOT! back in late 199Too Long Ago to be Rockin' That Shit in the New Millenium.

I'm SOOOOO glad that Long Island Lolito haircut is buried somewhere under the Long Island Expressway. Before, I didn't know whether to get a scoop of it...or jizz on it. (again.) This new 'do is mosdef and Upgrade!

And although he's rockin' that Fresh-Off-A-Tour-In-Iraq 'do and an early 80's Michael Jackson doll's 'fit, he's lookin' aw'ight. I just might uncover my ears long enough to actually listen to his single while buying earrings at The Icing.

Oh LOHAN NAAAWWWW!!!!

Lindsay Lohan's lil sis, Oscar Meyer Weiner Snap Into A Slim Jim, Ali, has a new single, "All The Way Around" which she says, "shows off her hip hop side."

**places machine gun to temple; tickles the trigger**

I heard this bullfuckery while watching E's reiteration of the shit they JUST showed less than 30 minutes earlier on E! News, The Daily 10.

Ummmm...**mad perplexed and vexed** If this shit right here is hip hop, then me and Amy Winehouse share a pair of jeans and Ashanti is more than capable of getting onstage and blowing Superhead Patti LaBelle-style. I ain't heard something less hip hop since I spent two and a half hours with my DVR and remote control watching 106 & Park trying to learn the Soulja Boy.

Ooops. Did I say that? [/Steve Urkel] Haha! J/k. No Ice T.

But I realized that, as I punished my ear drums to the highest level of punishtivity while watching this vid, instead of leaning back and/or shaking my salt shaker like most hip hop beats make me do, I actually stood up and busted a simultaneous Twist/ Achy Breaky Heart combination. And Ali's right: I never felt closer to Rakim & Eric B than I did right then. [/sarcasm]

HIP HOP MUSIC: Here's what they think about you!

Bet those KFC, Taco Bell commercials, and Brooke Hogan collabos don't seem so worth the money earnin' like Mount Vernon anymore, huh?

Now...Ain't This Some Twit?!

Remember my Twitter post from yesterday?!?!?!

Well, look who done mozied on over to Twitterdom? (<<--as my man Zillz would say)
Miss TYRA MAIL! herself, Frankie, otherwise known as Mama Keyshia Cole.

In true Frankie fashion, she wylin' and keepin' the shit-talk on deck. Her username alone, FrankieFBaby, has me cutting down a tree to prep my own casket. What she know about THAT?!??!!
Peep what she "tweeted" after Neffie returned from leaving her sitting with the kids all day and night:
"Nef walked up in here like OOH NUTTIN. I was gone call CPS on dat azz for abandoning these kids. Who she think she is? Theres only1 Frankie!"

WOW!! LMMFFAO!!!!!!!!!
What does she mean by "there's only 1 Frankie?" Was she insinuating that Neffie was trying to steal her leave-yo-kids-with-any-ol'-body-while-you-basehead-it-out-on-the-skreets-till-you-get-good-and-gotdayumed-ready-to-return-home schwag?
Only Gawd Knows.

But I know one thang: I'll MOSDEF be tuning in to The Frankie Show to see what kind of post-crackish shenanigans go on in her world.

What about YOU?!

Snoop Kentucky Dogg

Ok.
So, yes, I HAVE been blowing my magical flute for a lil’ minute now.
Noooo, not the one that makes sweet music. The one that, with the help of a bag of magical oregano, takes my eyes from sensual and sexy to low and sleepy in the blink of a...well, eye.

However, like Britney’s sanity, that’s neither here nor there.

I just need someone to explain to me, in the Queen’s Ebonics, why has Snoop gon’ Country on a nizzle?<>



His gangsta broomstick lookin’ ass is up on my TV in a Lakers jerz and a cowboy hat, playin’ Dominoes with none other than Willie “High as a Kite since Texas Was a Republic” Nelson like it’s Goldic Loc or The Lady of Rage.


WTTobyKeithF?!??!
Was Shante too busy gettin’ her purve and swerve on to cockblock this tomfuckery? Or has Snoop finally realized that his lyric game has been on a swift and steady decline since the days of Doggystyle and that going Country may result in a major career upgrade?!

Ditto, Preggo, Midge-O, & Nipp-O

My sister in bigness, The Gossip's frontwoman Beth Ditto, rocked the Columbia Club in Berlin last night looking fierce in her yellow animal print pancho and cowboy boots.
If you don't know, now you'll know: I LUBZ me some Beth!!!
Every single gotdayumed layer of her! She ain’t afraid to be herself or show the WORLD her multi-pak of bellays. I ain’t EVEN mad at that! Get me drunk enough and you might get a glimpse of my wifebeater stretcher, too. Do ya thang, B. Ditty!

*****

photo source
From the unfortunate looks of it, singer Ashlee Simpson's nose knifing is in extreme danger as her Pete Wentz-induced pregnancy causes her nose to morph back to its original alien form.

*****


Janet and JD were spotted leaving Garanimals’ Christian Lacroix’s 09 Spring Summer Haute Couture show during Paris Fashion Week.
Without fail, each and every time I see a pic of this couple, I get an image of what it must be like to let a roll-on beat up my cervix…cuz really, that IS what DamitoJo is doing by fucking with this bite-sized bizkit, no?

*****

photo source
Way to beat emphysema, Amers! **shoots the thumbs up**
Nevermind homechick copping a feel of a crackhead's teet. America's Next Top Drug Casualty, Amy Winehouse, was seen on the scene giving a double middle finger to that lil' ol' chronic obstructive pulmonary disease she's fighting.
Way to go, Amy!!!! Show emphysema that it's not the boss of you!!!

Racism BEEN pullin' capers

As an artist, I can fully identify with the necessity of letting your soul bleed into a medium of your choice.
For those that don't know, now you'll know:
It's far more soul- satisfying and freeing to pick up a brush, spray can, hell, even a dayum keyboard to convey personal views and opinions than it is to simply speak these truths. There's just something about marrying your thoughts with a creative outlet that's like food to your soul.
Believe me, like Lupe and that curly-haired homechick: SavvyFatty has saved my life!

However, the below images (sent from my girl Fre and spotted here, as well **shaking head**) reach FAR BEYOND artistic expression and cross that crackhead-thin line into being purposely offensive and downright racist.
It's both appalling and daunting to witness such hatred and disdain for CHANGE. We've had CENTURIES of the same ol', same ol'. And look how far it's gotten us. [/sarcasm]

What's worse is the fact that the artist responsible, Yazmany Arboleda, has a lot of gotdayumed nerve since his ass is an ethnic minority just like Obama. And living in these here United States I'm quite SURE he's experienced unnecessary and unfair treatment at the hand of those who'd probably most appreciate his exhibit.

When asked about his intentions and plans for the exhibit, Arboleda stated: “It’s art. It’s not supposed to be harmful. It’s about character assassination — about how Obama and Hillary have been portrayed by the media,” [Source]

If that's true, then I'm WIT IT.

If not...then I'm on the fast track to creating my own exhibit and website, both tentatively titled: http://theasswhoopificationofyazmanyarboleda.com/
Unlike Arboleda's, mine would be type-simple; consisting only of a room filled with a wall of rough and ready shirtless, Dickies and Chucks-wearin' West Coast muhfuckas, complete with chain-leashed pit bulls with insatiable appetites for racially, ethnically, and culturally divisive bullshit.

So peep the pics below and give me your thoughts on Arboleda's exhibit. Is he spouting racism or shining a spotlight on the media's character assassination of the Democratic ticket's frontrunners:





^^^My personal low of the exhibit. CRYING SHAME.
I think, "Say ANYthing about the adults. Just leave lil', innocent Sasha (L) and Malia (2nd from R) OUT of it, mayne.

TAMPtasia

Let me start this lil' post off by saing: Y'all know I'm AAAALLLLL about individuality.

Especially when it comes to the crop. For those that know me personally, you know I mohawked it for a couple years. But now since I'm all gubmit-employeed up, I gotta weave it till I can achieve it. PLEASE believe it!

With that being said, I STILL demand to know why Fannie Mae thought it was both cute and appropriate to come out the house with her Tampax game proppa'.

photo hijacked from BOSSIP

WHO is her stylist and WHY is this person still living, Lord?
I could live with the skunk patch...and thank Heavens we ALL made it through this...but this shit right here, ninja. **shaking head**
AND I knoooowwwwww my boy Ronnie Mac is somewhere NOT lovin' it!

Nostrildamus and Friends

Singer and Dancing With The People You Really Don't Recognize but SOMEBODY Says They're Stars reject Mario was on hand at Maxim's 2008 Hot 100 Party giving us a sneak peek into his thoughts via his ginormous nostrils. I just thank the Sweet Lawd above that that chil' ain't developed a habit for the White Girl, Christina Aguilera. Cuz that would be an IG-SPAIN-SIV azz habit. **wonderin' if there's a such thing as an 88-ball**



Hollywood Space Cadet Party Girl (cuz really...does she DO anything ELSE?!) Bai Ling was also in the building confused as to whether she was about to take a swim or slang a pocket full of stooooooonnnnnes. Judging from this get-up, what illegal substance do you think she fried her rice in before stepping up in the place?



Chrissy Mil was also on the premises showing us how she's NOT spending her economic stimulus $$$ on such petty things as a hairdresser, a Pro-Styl'd up toothbrush, or earrings costing more than 99 cents. I ain't even gon' hate! Do you, girl! I know it's HAWD out hea' for a _______ (<--what does she do again?!)

My panties say, " __________!"

After viewing the pics below, what are your panties thinking?

I'll be glad to share the thoughts of my bloomers panty'lones once they stop trying to hang themselves with the extra skin from my lower belly. **tears**

Dog the Nigger-Hating Bounty Hunter lookin' so sextastic I think I might weave myself a mullet.
photos sourceEnglish Singer/Songwriter Lily Allen showing the WIZZORLD that flat bellies are SOOOOO last year. '08 is the year for CLUB CHUB! Make some NIZZOOIIIIIISE!!!


*Yes, sweet Jesus: Those ARE Crocs! **tucking soul like an iced out chain**

photo sourceThere's ZERO WORDS in all of mankind's dictionaries and thesauruses to describe this shit right here, nigga.

Super Mario Ninja

**peepin' the folks in the background**

photo spotted @ Simply Dope
Am I the only one gettin' the sudden urge to power up?

Speakin' of Hurr...

Will Smith's primary late-night dookie pusher Jada Pinkett-Smith and K-Ci's old coke ho Mary J. Blige, along with Carol's Daughter founder, Lisa Price (<--my sister in bigness. Club Chub-make some noooiiiize!) held a special meet and greet with customers at the Westfield Fox Hills Mall in Culver City. **singin' and whisperin' before I get a drive-by shankin'** In the GHETTO!

photos: Kevin Kwan/nubuzzphoto.com

Damn! I wish I would have known!...and I had the day off...and gas prices weren't so ungodly...aaaand I had enough $$$ to actually make a poychuss...cuz I woulda been THERE!
I LUUUUUHHHVVVZZZZZ me some Murry J., even if she swagger-jacked this ol' gubmit employee by rockin' my current chunky bangs, wrap and big glasses ish. Dayum! Cain't a poor gubmit employee have ANYthang to herself? (The truth: Yes. Yes, I can. And it's called "Poverty." **tears**)

photos: Kevin Kwan/nubuzzphoto.com

I'm diggin' Jada's crop as well. It's refreshing to see her reppin' for her mulleted counterparts in a fab, fonky fashion. I can dig it! REP YO RAINBOW!
**lookin' around...then whisperin'** Before going home to 'Du, Mary better check her neck for hickies.


BIG UPS to successful, Black business WOMEN!!!

Billion Years Boys Club

Now you know I celebrates individuality ANYway it comes. Remember: I beez the girl who will rock a leopard print jacket with a giraffe print bag and be like, "YUP! In my mismatch!"

However, I still look 28 (or younger, right? RIIIIGHT?!!?!!) with mines.

Too bad I can't say the same for OldO'Neal McKnight (of "Check Your Coat" fame) as he arrives at the 2008 National Hip-Hop Team Vote Launch held in Philly over the weekend.
Besides looking like Pennzoil sponsored his neck and Knudsen purchased adspace in the corners of his mouf, he looked mad inappropriate for such an important event. (Read more here)

Is there ANYthing Black folks will dress up for besides court?
**E-VEEL side-eyin' all y'all before you get a chance to bring up Remy Ma's trial treachery.**

**Sidenote: I was HARDPRESSED like a hooker's dress to find BIRTHDATE information on ya boy O here. So since I could NOT, I'll judge him by the rings around his neck...and just assume him and Moses shared tools in Woodshop.

**wiping monitor down with insulin and testosterone**

Eddie Murphy celebrated his 47th birthday with a bash at The Bank in the Bellagio Resort in Las Vegas on April 11th.
It's refreshing to see someone up in age still be able to throw on a pair of nuthuggingly tight skinny jeans and a wifebeater and still be able to maintain their heterosexuality have fun.
Why is there a pic of MLK on the cake, though?! Was this a dual celebration? A birthday bash AND a commemorative event?

America's Next Top Trophy

Photo source

Why is Kelz, a bona fide superstar, trying to look like what's sittin' atop the award you get at Bronner Bros.?

The only logical answer for this fuck shit is that him and Sisqo are planning to hold a televised Metallic-Off, to see who can out-metallicize who. The winner gets a lifetime supply of leather Skittles-colored pants with matching fingerless gloves.
Other than that...**shifts Life switch to 'OFF'**

Fuck.

Apparently, this 1984 church camp art project fuckeration is supposed to be the bouquet that Bey carried down the aisle during her nuptials last week.

Instead of wasting a shitty qualified artist's time on this bullshit mess why didn't she just have House of Damn You Wrong puffy-paint her out a sign that clearly states: "I'm a Tacky Beast."
CUT TO THE CHASE, people!
Also, **opening my coin purse and looking for 2 pennies** instead of re-releasing Kelly's brick of an album and having her embarrass herself show up on red carpets from here to the BBQ Pit, why not just have her stamp her forehead with a sign that says, "I'll forever be Beyonce's shitwiper."

We all know it. Now's the time for y'all to SHOW IT!

MC Bama

**putting on 'Nice' cap**

You know what?
I ain't even gon' taze MC Hammer's babygirl, A'Keiba Burrell, for looking like part time choir director/part time drag queen Fontlutrell Simms on the set of MTV's "Rock the Cradle."


If she wants to rock a blue pleather belt directly beneath her clavicle, then that's HER business. Who am I to judge my fellow big biatch on her style choices?
Plus, her ass sung the DOG SHIT out of Jennifer Hudson's "I Love You, I Do" on the premiere ep of "RTC." Had me wavin' my chuuuch fan and shakin' my tambourine like, "YEAH!" I say she wins it all...if the shit was on BET. But I know one of them young Y T's are gonna take the crown.

When the bough breaks...

...the cradle will contract a savage case of HIV.

Landon Brown, Bobby Brown's first bust-it baby, dry yodels performs on MTV's "Rock the Cradle" looking like the youngest member of the Village People.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of this...so again, I'll save my adjectives. Just someone please hit my inbox and let me know if I'm behind the times and unfamiliar with this new fashion trend, Hip Hop Homo Cowboy Chic. Is this really what the young gals are feenin' Jodeci-style for?

What the HELL, 'Monae?!

Bad Boy future Dungeon Dweller artist Janelle Monae and a host of other ATLiens arrive on the red carpet at the opening of the Atlanta Ballet presentation of "BIG."
**flatlining slowly** I won't even waste my time, nouns, verbs, or adjectives to describe this fuck shit right here. I will let the post write itself while I remove my soul from the depths of my being and FedEx it to the Most High.

SavvyFatty...OUT!

**THIS JUST IN: IS IT TRUE?! COULD IT BE?!?! ME OH MY!...A HATER!!...like a Soft & Beautiful kiddy perm: JUST FOR ME!
Peep the ANONYMOUS (Silly coward! Anonymity's for kids!) comment rant of SavvyFatty's VERY FIRST hater! OH! FINALLY! After 28 years! My very first hater! Tis a date which will live in infamy! YAY ME!

*Sidenote: This hea' mah juke joint! If I don't like something, no matter WHAT its purpose, I have ZERO, ZILCH, and NO problem saying so! So...You can hate me NOW! **blows kisses**

Kids Choice-y Lovers

The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were held Saturday in La-La-Land at UCLA's Pauley Pavilion.
Several of your favorite stars were in the house looking their "best." And you know me...always handing out an 'E' for "Ehhhh...well, you tried."

America Ferrera was in the house, betraying bigger girls EVERYWHERE by shrinking to the size and proportions of a bobblehead.



Lil Mama was trying harder than a gay porn star's cock as always.
Anybody else hear the muffled sounds of angry piano playing and a body shifting in its grave? Even the ghost of Liberace is appauled by this outfit. I heard some muffled muttering about the bullfuckery of puffy paints and hot pink glitter.



Akon brought his own personal 6-to-6 Program to the festivities. Very handsome set of boys. Even the one with his Royal Tenenbaums game proper. Looks like 'Kon got Loon on the payroll, in the background toting a box of Capri Suns and a duffle bag of pee-pee clothes for the occassion.



Is it me...or does LaToya Rihanna look like she visited the Jackson family butcher doctor? That nose is lookin' Rachel Zoe-type thin. Really, her WHOLE face is looking different.
Pump ya brakes, Rih! Don't travel down Vivica Fox Lane! And PLEASE!! Don't get on the Lil Kim Expressway!



**injecting monitor with an insulin shot**
Winner of Project Runway Christian Soriano blessed the event with his sugary sweet presence while giving that Side Eye of Diabetes. **vigorously shaking pointer finger only** FIERCE!

**handing JD the phone**

It's Rick Ross. He says he don't want you smurfin' up his swag.

Jermaine Dupri addressed students in NYU's Recorded Music program in a session entitled, "How to Get a Record Deal" while making sure his son of Musiq Soulchild and this little dick taker game was strizzong.