It's been a long time...

Now that the CDC has cleared my home , nostrils, and lungs of the Ebola virus, I AM BACK ON THE SCENE with a FAT GIRL lean!
If I EVER had to offer you words of wisdom, here they go right hurr: BELIEVE THE WEATHERMAN when he says it's gon' rain on yo' head! (Shouts to
The Color Purple)
Man! I thought I was the Teflon Don or some shit, moving when the sky is crying like T.O. after they lost to the Giants. (**snicker, snicker) I thought I'd be fiiiiine like Mary J. Blige and her half Social Worker/Half Beatles 'do. Thought it would be NOOOOO problem to move in a THUNDERSTORM, but after I contracted SARS of the nostrils and chest, please believe I know better!
So I "enjoyed" 3 days of sick leave last week, but now I'm back like fat backs!!! Still got a lil' case of the sniffles...and now a visit from the Red Ranger and her homies the Cramp Tramps (<--bitches!), but other than that, I'm back to being the SAVVIEST of the fatties!
So since I ain't got much to say, except maybe BEAT EM LIKE THEY STOLE SOMETHIN, BARACK!!!...I'll bless your day with a SavvyFatty survey!

Follow me nah!

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
None other than Oprah's pregnant-with-dectuplets (<--if that exists) babymama. Can you say "CA-CHING!"


2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
I like pickles, onions, ketchup, chipotle sauce, a lil' ranch, A LOT of mayo and jalapenos. **whispers** Wipe me down with an angioplasty.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
**with a serious as a heart attack face** Are YOU as surprised as I that you're STILL alive?!??!?!!!!

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Laying on the beach in Jamaica being "welcomed" by a couple of Akon-black, sexxxay boday, dread-locked Rasta men.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
ANYTHING! (I'm FAT! Whatchu thought??!!!!)

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
I hate them BOTH! But since the fatty in me LOVES the salty deliciousity of Spam...I'll go with Pop-ups. (Although that reminds me of those Fred Flintstone PUSH-up Pops...AAARRRGGHH!! The fat girl in me is so confused!)

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?
I hear the sea biatches called him "Cap'n Makes It Hap'n" **wank, wank**

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
**Tossing up my diamond** It's Da Da Rock! Da Da DA ROCK!!!

9. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Too quiet. Shit happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts...and/or a $5.99 on sale Marie Callendar Chocolate Satin Pie. Cuz. believe me, like Yung Joc and Nitty: It's goin DOOOWWNN!!!

10. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
When a person has the confidence to be themselves ALL THE TIME at ANY and ALL COSTS!

11. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Licorice, of course.

12. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
The Coronado Bridge...the place where you'll find my Honda parked minus a driver if shit don't start lookin up...QUICK-LIKE!

13. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Hmmmm...none really. The only thing that can put me to sleep SPEEDY-LIKE is
It's like being nuzzled against my mama's warm bosom while she hums a gentle lullaby...

14. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
1! I ain't no FOOL! Mighta missed 14 out of 15, but hey!! I gotz my ish!

15. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
OPRAH'S WALLET!

16. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
EVERYTHING! I'm fat! I don't discriminate!

17. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
I'll stay with the 50 cuz it's 50 more than I got now!

18. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
I'll give YOU up cuz you're OBVIOUSLY smokin to ask me to choose!

19. What is your highest level of education?
I'm in the 27th grade at the School of Hard Knocks, man. It don't stop!

20. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it's been?
About $3. DAMMIT! That USED to be my Chipotle Barbacoa burrito with extra cheese and Tomatillo sauce budget.

21. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
Sesame Street, Little Mermaid, a plastic Alpha Beta bag...a free or reduced lunch card...depends on what year we're talkin'. Sometimes ish was good...sometimes ish was TRAGIC.

22. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
A housekeeper! I'll make the mess and you clean it up, GUADALUPE!!!! Or else! I'll have La Migra up in hurr so fast to toast your tortillas! (<--Fun with Racism!)

23. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
Stuck in traffic. Trap me in an elevator and I'll turn dat beeyatch into a port-o-potty so fast from sheer terror and claustrophobia!

24. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your 'cleaned up' swear word?
K-CI and JO-JO!!!!!!