Thursday, October 16, 2008

She's a BAAAAD MamaSavvy!

Songstress "Kaysha" Cole ain't the only one with a crazy arse womb donor.

Minus the drug problem and add in a mouth full of healthy teef and MamaSavv could run neck and neck with Crackie Frankie F. Baby.

Ahhh, MamaSavv. **sighs**

Growing up with this looney lady was like growing up with Lady of Rage's character, Baby D, from Next Friday.

This woman ain't NEEEEEVVER been one to walk away from a snack...OR a fight.

At 7, I witnessed her bulldoze my brother's dad over some bullshit. Like, literally, she pushed him down, PHONE'KAY **pinches nose** in his KFC uniform, and walked over his ass.

(Yeah. Like THAT.)

At 13 she proceeded to break my stepdad's nose and punk a WHOLE complex of witnessing neighbors by asking, bloody fist in the air, "Who want next?"

This is the same woman who drove me around our 'hood looking for a couple of my bullying classmates because "You ain't gon' let them ugly black roaches talk to you like that!"

I, being 13 1/2 and more concerned with maintaining my straight-A average than most likely getting my ass beat by these Supreme Scrappin' Sisters, didn't want to squab it out with said "roaches." But MaDukes had nooooo problem offering a 14 year old an ass whoopin'...all while I tried desperately to disappear into the glove compartment of our Hyundai Excel out of SHEER MUTHAFUCKIN' EMBARASSMENT!

Those were the days! [/sarcasm]


So, the other night MamaSavv called and caught me on a gooood Cheech & Chong/Red & Meth one! I was on Cloud 420 and forgot to send her arse to holla at my voicemail.

But good thing I didn't because we actually had an ENJOYABLE exchange. **checks temperature in Hades**

Our conversation drifted from politics and current events to discussing the appearance and hygeine habits of some of Reality TV's "finest."

Mama ROASTED the HAIL! outta the following Triple Z-Listers:

D. Woods of Danity Kane

"I HATE her hair cuz it looks like it was cut with a blunt object. "
**Enter descriptive, RATCHET AZZ noisemaking**We both surmised that it was cut with a hatchet or a fire axe...and that she looks every bit of 33 with that nappy cake atop her head.

Dawn of Danity Kane

"She looks like a cat's head piggybank."

(I literally cranked that casket and died laughing, but mostly because I was like, "WUHT THEE BLUHDCLOT?!" I'm sure she meant a cookie jar...but, whatevz.)

Aubrey of Danity Kane

MamaSavv said she smelled like "Wet Wig."
"Naw, I think more like cigarette ashes and ham sandwich meat." (<--That was me)

Shannon of Danity Kane

"Who is she? The damn cleaning lady walking through every Danity Kane performance and nobody says nuthin' cuz she's just doing her job." (OUCH!)

Donnie Klang

"He looks like a tanned layer of sod. His hair, I mean."


Pumkin of Flavor of Love (and its affiliate fuck-shit shows)
"I KNOW she smells like stinky navel or the smell of a lot of boogers in your nose."

Robin of Real World San Diego

"She's on something, I know it. She smells like bar bathroom floor, tile piss, and spilled beer."

Tonya of Real World Chicago (and a host of MTV "Challenge" shows)

LMMFFBAO cuz we tore her arse a new arsehole!

We discussed how Tonya had gained a noticeable amount of weight and had traded in her previous "hotness" for more of a trailer trash, Tonya Harding-type'a schwag on MTV's new Real World/Road Rules challenge show, The Island.

MamaSavv said Tonya now looks like "she works at a store called 'Stop And Save.'" But instead of being spelled correctly, it's spelled 'Stop-N-Sav.'

(I added that the sign was probably an orange stop sign with white lettering and a white palm demanding you to STOP!...and save.)

Mama said Tonya's uniform was an orange smock, with her name written in a Sharpie across her left breast. The store smelled of dusty, fake flowers and was full of "bargain bins" where you could still find flashcubes, an abundance of flower-print mumus, and 3/$1 Motorola StarTac cell phone cases.

So, my loyal SavvyFAT'liens: Now that you know who was responsible for raising me...



Assertive Wit said...

please tell your mom to stop being this funny....did she really say Aubrey smelled like wet wig? bwahhahahahaha OUT. OF. LINE. I never have to ask where your funny comes from though...this was the laugh I needed.

pnuttbuttahunny said...

Peas in a pod! KFC Uniform, bloody fist pic...lmao! Definitely the Darkside of Doughnuts.

bklilay! said...

i know what you mean about crazy relations...i got a couple in my family tree...crazy folks make life interesting... LMAO at homegirl smelling like wet wig, i know exactly what that smells like, funky!!!

S A V V Y F. Baybeh! said...

Hey, AssWit! (no homo)
Jeah, Momz is a certified foolio from the Old Skoolio!
But this is only PART 1 of the madness.
STAY TUNED manana for MAS!

Like you always say: I GET IT HONESTLY!
And yes, now you get another peek into the DOWNSIDE of Donuts.
'Tain't NUHCHIN' nice.

BKLILAY! (<--hey! I gave you that name! Glad you likey!)
Yeah, a wet wig is all bad. I just imagine a wig that got caught in a storm and blew off into a puddle of dog shit and hay.

The Jade said...

I love it!! I always think the same damn thing, those bitches got to stank!!
And sadly I know they smell of funky, doo-doo, rotten navel! My lil brother had something come out of his innie-outie that had to be left over from his umbilical cord, and he was 7 at the time. I can still smell it!

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a crazy mama. I only wish mine was hip on reality shows. Instead we are forced to talk shit about my trollop friends and their baby daddy(plural) drama.

S A V V Y F. Baybeh! said...

Funky, doo-doo, rotten navel?


nica said...

tell ur mom i said hi!! i miss makin $$ from doin her hair. ask her if she need her hair braided! ooh and now i'm older she may buy me a drank too!

readin the blog brought back good ol memories of EVERYBODY! for some reason 6th and 7th grade keeps poppin in my head. riding down the streets of emerald hills w ur auntie driving by some boys houses who WILL remain nameless!! the good ol days!!

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