Thursday, November 20, 2008

As For Me: I'm Breaking Inside

This weekend I’m cleaning my house in preparation for my girl Jhazzai of YeahISaidIt to come through and kick it with ya girl and crew of crazy biatches.
So, with vacuum actively being pushed across the rug, I’m listening to my Anita Baker Pandora station and “No One In This World” comes on. I smile and say a silent, “Awwww sheeiiiittt!” cuz this is my JAM!!! Anita can do no wrong in my eyes ANYWAY, but this shit right here, ninja! Oooh! OOOHHH! That’s my shit! THAT’S MY SHIT!!!
So, I’m vacuuming while mindlessly singing along until it gets to the part that resonates SO with my current situation (3:50 mark):

Please take me back (Please take me back)
Oh babe, I can't go on (I can't go on)
I'm not happy in my life without you
I'll do whatever it takes
I've got to get you back with me again (Got to get you back with me)
I realize I need you here in my life

(No one in the world) No one, no one
(No one in the world) Nobody loves me like you do
(No one in the world)
(Like) My (You) my (Do) my (And) baby
(Every time) You got the love I need
(Love I need) Ain’t nobody ‘round here to love me

Ain't no one in the world (No one in the world)

Like a live feed, nuclear hot tears begin streaming down my cheeks as I belt out that bridge like I’m trying to get to the other side, mayne! The intensity of the tears quickly turned from a soulful, “Let it out, girl!” cry to full-on "Good Googly Moogly That Cry is OOGLY!!!" kind of sadness.

In all my years I’ve never been this emotional over a NINJA that left my life months ago.
I’m usually a 5-Star General G when it comes to lovin’ ‘em and leavin’ ‘em. But this ONE got “in” like Depends on old women, man. FA TRILL.
It scared me how my mind drifted from the soulful smooth of Anita’s singing to…US.

Seems as if at that moment my mind conjured up every thought and feeling about what an US used to be.

How, in the beginning, I longed for him to notice ME out of a sea of faces.
How I wanted him to come to me; be next to ME, of all places.
How I was puppy-love giddy every time he’d cross my mind.
How I wanted to consume-no, monopolize-each second of his time.
How we could talk about anything, at any place, any time.
How he stimulated not only my body, but satiated my mind.
How I thought of him as Mentor. Lover. Friend.
How I could see NO ONE else in my future. I only wanted HIM. THE END.
How I never, ever, EVER pictured loving another.
How I’d fucked with MANY, but not a ONE like this brother.
My mind drifts to loneliness and sadness oft.
How I’m not only missing my lover, I’m mourning a friendship lost.
Throwing flowers on graves of conversations we’ve had.
Shedding tears cuz with him, again, I’ll never share a laugh.
How no one on EARTH had impressed me so much.
How in one convo, seamlessly, he’d drift from politics, religion, to hip hop and such.
Seemed like I lived for his every sentence, thought profound of each noun, each verb.
And how now that he’s left my life, my whole existence's disturbed.
There’s a physical pain aching where the eye isn't seeing.
It's his absence from my world harming my wellbeing.
How I miss his face, his smile, his presence-TREMENDOUS.
How till this day, STILL, I know not why we ended.
Not even a sentence, no closure about why he couldn’t continue.
Doesn’t he at least owe me THAT? After all that we’ve been through?
A simple, “Fuck you, bitch!” or simply “I choose not to go on”
Would be better than these feelings of “WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?”
What’s craziest though, is he has my heart STILL.
And how, thus far, No One In This World has replaced him cuz NO ONE EVER WILL.

Is there a heart in the house tonight?!


msfre1 said...

Eddie King Jr. is available....

nica said...

thanks for makin my heart bleed. i was havin an ummm ok day @ work till i came here! thanks a lot!

but u know what tho on the real. sometimes people leave u to open u up for ur real blessing. i know, cus if i hada let crayzo or the other smith stay around and fuk up i woulda never met the other dark meat. so when u get like that just remember blessings can come in disguises. even if the mask is ugly as hell let the blessing in baby! shit gets hard then it gets harder then it gets better. just like my play momma frankie said (HOOLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)on keyshia cole this week when she was @ chu'ch. she said god wouldn't put more on her than she can bare. so u just take what u learned from that experience and take it to the next.

and for the future can u send me my own disclaimer to let me know that i may be walkin in on sum shit i may not want to c!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh, I feel like a rockstar!!!

Anonymous said...

That is a beautiful post! Don't worry, yo buddies are here for you! *HUGS*

Gigi said...

I's feel ya. I have one that no matter what just wont leave my soul alone. I dont know what happened with us. At all.

Have a good cry gurl. Let it out!

THE 78' MS. J said...


NaturallyAlise said...

Awww, po savvy f. baby, (((e-hugs)))....