Friday, December 5, 2008

Guys, Bis, & Wonky Eyes

PUHLEEEEEZZZ tell me I'm not the only one who watches, "Tears, Shears & Beauty," the only reality show EVER filmed with a toilet paper roll and the bottom of a Razor scooter pointed towards the sun!!

No, real talk: TS&B is BET J's look into the lives of 8 contestants prepping on the road to compete in this year's "Model Model Weave Battle" being held in New Jersey.

WATCH.THE.VID.ya punk kid!

And the contestants in this follicle fuckery are:

Muffen, an "I'll Take Yo Cookies" dyke medium gal from Beantown: Boston, MA.
Muffen is the veteran in the game who has always been a winner. After placing 3rd in a previous show, Muffen is out to get revenge for what she thinks was an unjust loss. Let's see if she can compete in the show without bodying a muhfucka.

Mya (Long Island, NY) Don't really know much about her and her anorexic dreads, but I would bank on her in a "Lettuce & Carrot Fucking Up Competition. "

Ronald (Hempstead, NY) Don't really know WHAT I think about this Jamaican bwoi. But he's tall, dark, and got dreads! **panties moisten like towelettes**
I don't know if dude's straight, bi, strictly guys or the type to try summa everything for size, so...
YOU let ME know!

Yosi (Newport News, VA) In a nutshell, she's the female version of Ronald. What most stands out to support that claim was the ep where she was looking at models in astonishment and amazement and "Bitch, I'm ready to hit the pavement!" type-eye fucking.
Then she gon' say: "Wow. I feel like a kid in the candy store." And what do kids do with candy, ladies and gentlemenzes...ok-k-k!!!
You gotta catch reruns of the show to see how she was gettin' at models, nigga-on-the-corner-with-his-balls-in-his-hands-like, to ask them if they'd like to be in the hair show. I smell strap-on...!!!

Janel (Brooklyn, NY) aka "Thicky McDonald." Yeah, she got a hint or taste of football player in her, but she's a cool chick about her bidnazz of selling Big Macs, Filet-O-Fish, and Happy Meals and shit to the masses.

Tarsha (Boston, MA) No comment.
(You see dat big biatch? JOO.SEE.DAT.BIG.BITCH?!!!)

Naeemah (Philadelphia, PA) She needs to get a hold of that, really. Take that bitch out, blow in it like a Nintendo game for exactly 19 seconds, then set it off on the correct side. But her hairstyles be CRAZY hot, though. Guess that's what dice for eyes will do for ya...
FYI: You'll catch her staring off into Middle Earth with her bottom lip scraping her knees a time or 70. Don't let that alarm you.
The biatch is good with her hands.
Her eyes: Not So Much.

Derek J (Atlanta, GA) Last year's winner.
Mr. Stiletto Pumps In The Salon
is cocky as fuck while looking like a dirty grocery store sneaker in neon-pink metallic leggings.
His entire shop is composed of "kids." (And no: I don't mean children.)
My favorite stylist from Derek's new salon was the one who looked like a scorched tree with a jet black and Cherry Cola relaxer swinging in the windzes. He may not be the prettiest girl in the boy's bathroom, but his regal relaxer makes up for ALL of it.

In close, CLOSE second was the one who looks like a stunningly beautiful wolf, the one who was caught getting the opposite of a boner while dancing with our favorite killa crack cougar, Frankie.
Dariel what they call'um.


BET J, Thursdays 730pm. (Check yo local listings cuz I ain't cha ho')

Ok, from the vid and my kind descriptions of this year's contestants:
Who do YOU think will take the trophy?


Tayo said...

1) The fact that that bish had a season 2 glimmering in the end title means that there was a season 1 of this ghetto ass mess?

2)Because of this post, I'm on a crusade to see we have BET J and if we do, I'm going to have to watch this, at least one episode (like a moth to a flame)

It's all too much for me, lol

Anonymous said...


Kitty said...

I don't think I have this channel. And I damn sure ain't paying any extra to get it. Damn Comcast.. I hope I can catch it on Hulu or w/e. I know a lot of girls that go to Muffen's salon in Mattapan (Boston) She does good work. Tarsha's salon is not too far from my crib. I'm a stick to the Dominicanas and the Kidz tho. They the bess mayne!
I didn't even know this show existed. Thanks Savv now I got a new Black reality show to watch.

S A V V Y F. Baybeh! said...

Yup, there was a white dude in Season 1. His sexuality really was a thang that made me go "WTHomoFuck?" cuz he was limp like bizkits, yet had an ex-wife and a lil' Negro kid!
Both seasons are worth the watch, though!

You're welcome, mamacita! It's good ghetto shit!

Nessia said...

OMG I didn't know there was a new season! I LOVED the lil gay dude who minced in those heels last season.