Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Like A Chump



Sending text messages, saying things I don't really mean
Like, "Yeah, I like how you spent your cable bill dough on them Red Monkey Jeans"

Kissing on lips I could care less if I touch
While wondering, silently, "Damn, must I introduce this niglet to a brush?"

Dealing with a
Ralph Tresvant-type who does WAAAAYYYY too much fussin'
A muthafucka who had the NERVE to ask me: "Why didn't you act like you liked me in front of my cousin?"

Accepting massages when I really came for the drillin'
Accepting WAAAAYYYY less fuckin' and faaaarrr TOO.MUCH.DAYUM.CHILLIN'

I've dealt with it ALL. Did it ALL for the Nookie.
And now I'm in search of a TRILL AZZ Veteran instead of this Booty Call Rookie

Therefore, I resolute to find a new dealer.
One who will MURDER the ooochie like a real cap peeler.

One with a locked & loaded peen deep down in his britches
One, always at-the-ready, EAGER to scratch my midnight itches

One who won't bait me over with promises of fuckin'
Then get my ass to the crib to watch UFC on Spike! and when I ask, "WHAT DA HAIL YOU DOIN' INSTEAD OF RAPIN' ME?" and his ol' sensitive ass asks: "Damn, why you rushin'?"

One who ain't tryna love on me and cuddle up like a bitch
One who looks at me, then the Wu-Tang, then demands:
"Come put that pussy on this dick!"

One who's tall, dark, strong, but won't try to push me
Does He even exist?...Or: Should I go strictly for the pussy?

*************

Just like Limp Bizkit's 1999 hit, I've taken an 'L' in the Dick Dealer Department...all in the name of Nookie aka Regular Fucking.
Kissing. Massages. Lap-Laying. TALKING. ICK!
Regretfully, I've engaged in it all in hopes that I was putting "money in the bank" for a back-blowing-out session.
Color me NOT proud.

So, ladies and pimps, atop my list of OH!-9 resolutions is to find a NEW! peen purveyor. One who understands the meaning and significance behind a text message sent after the 10 o'clock hour. One who understands my need to bang like a gang at least thrice weekly.

I mean, really: Is it too much to ask that he gives up the ass like I'm a robber requesting cash?

OR

Should I focus on more lucrative goals, like advancing in my career?

(If you answered Choice B...GETDUHFUCKOUTTAHERE!!!!!!!!!!!)

Is there a heart in the house tonight?


If so, PLEASE tell me I'm NOT the only one who's put up with shenanigans in the name of screwing!!!!


7 comments:

Keysa said...

THATS MY TWITCH...SHE IS BACK IN DA BUILDIN! LOL GIT IT

IM WIT U ALL DA WAY. I HATE WHEN A NINJA BE LIKE, "SO DID U MISS ME?" UHHH NAWW BABY, CUZ U DIDNT PUT IT DOWN LIKE U WAS SPOSTA!!!

SENSITIVE THUGS...THEY ALL NEED HUGS! BUT HARDCORE CHIC...JUST NEED DIXXX!! YEZZUHH LOL

DONT GET NO SAVVIER

Anonymous said...

I love it!!! *sings like micheal jackson* YOOOOOOOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

THE 78' MS. J said...

CTFU damn man so cold on these sensitive ass ninja's at least his ass ain't start crying and talking about please don't leave him you his best friend LOL.

NaturallyAlise said...

I like to refer to the peen purveyor as a 'Salacious Snatch Spelunker', rolls off the tongue.... literally....

deeteezy said...

lmao! i dont even have no words to say on this.

h.є.я said...

LMAO.! We're in the same boat, struggling to row. PREACH.!

suga said...

fuckin hilarious. here's to you getting the peen you deserve in 2009!!