Like A Chump

Sending text messages, saying things I don't really mean
Like, "Yeah, I like how you spent your cable bill dough on them Red Monkey Jeans"

Kissing on lips I could care less if I touch
While wondering, silently, "Damn, must I introduce this niglet to a brush?"

Dealing with a Ralph Tresvant-type who does WAAAAYYYY too much fussin'
A muthafucka who had the NERVE to ask me: "Why didn't you act like you liked me in front of my cousin?"

Accepting massages when I really came for the drillin'
Accepting WAAAAYYYY less fuckin' and faaaarrr TOO.MUCH.DAYUM.CHILLIN'

I've dealt with it ALL. Did it ALL for the Nookie.
And now I'm in search of a TRILL AZZ Veteran instead of this Booty Call Rookie

Therefore, I resolute to find a new dealer.
One who will MURDER the ooochie like a real cap peeler.

One with a locked & loaded peen deep down in his britches
One, always at-the-ready, EAGER to scratch my midnight itches

One who won't bait me over with promises of fuckin'
Then get my ass to the crib to watch UFC on Spike! and when I ask, "WHAT DA HAIL YOU DOIN' INSTEAD OF RAPIN' ME?" and his ol' sensitive ass asks: "Damn, why you rushin'?"

One who ain't tryna love on me and cuddle up like a bitch
One who looks at me, then the Wu-Tang, then demands: "Come put that pussy on this dick!"

One who's tall, dark, strong, but won't try to push me
Does He even exist?...Or: Should I go strictly for the pussy?

*************

Just like Limp Bizkit's 1999 hit, I've taken an 'L' in the Dick Dealer Department...all in the name of Nookie aka Regular Fucking.
Kissing. Massages. Lap-Laying. TALKING. ICK!
Regretfully, I've engaged in it all in hopes that I was putting "money in the bank" for a back-blowing-out session.
Color me NOT proud.

So, ladies and pimps, atop my list of OH!-9 resolutions is to find a NEW! peen purveyor. One who understands the meaning and significance behind a text message sent after the 10 o'clock hour. One who understands my need to bang like a gang at least thrice weekly.

I mean, really: Is it too much to ask that he gives up the ass like I'm a robber requesting cash?

OR

Should I focus on more lucrative goals, like advancing in my career?

(If you answered Choice B...GETDUHFUCKOUTTAHERE!!!!!!!!!!!)

Is there a heart in the house tonight?

If so, PLEASE tell me I'm NOT the only one who's put up with shenanigans in the name of screwing!!!!