The Magical Amount

**singin**
It's FRIIIIIDAY and I'm ready to swang! /Roll up the bleezy/and sip me some draaank!/Tonight!/Ohhhhhhh!/Gettin' higher than a kite/Ummmm!!
Rip, Babygirl! But I had to switch it up one time for my mind!

Happy Friday, my folks!

We've been waiting all week and now it's time to GEEK!
I don't know about y'all...but tonight it's goin' down like a Prom Queen's gown! Or a paraplegic swimmer who's GUARANTEED to drown!

Am I the only 20-something that looks forward to the mindnumbing freeness that is the weekend? Or are the rest of you sitting just as eagerly in your cubes with booties ITCHIN' ready to start this party right?

I don't mean no REGULAR partyin' either. NO ZIR! No standing around socializing about politics, global warming, or stock tips while cluthchin' a brewski. OH NO! Not my type of hype. I like to GUZZLE like a dog with no muzzle! Hand me a shot to get my body hot!

The only problem is...once I get going I don't know when to stop. **embarrassed face** ESPECIALLY if I'm not E-MEE-TREE-IT-LEE buzzin'. I'll keep it movin by throwin' em back until I feel that slight hint of warmth in my thigh...and at that moment, I know I've turned down the onramp to the Drunken Biatch Super Highway!
That's when I pump my brakes, but not a moment sooner. But usually by that time...it's far too late.

And that's when it's time to BEWARE!!! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

Ladies: Tuck ya husbands!
Men: Hide ya wives...and ya side bitches!
Cuz when I'm "thuuurrr" it's a WRAP like Saran! There's not a booty, titty, dick, or mammal toe in the place that's not getting felt up. And EVERYBODY in the room is an instant contestant in the Tongue Kissing Contest...the one that I don't HESITATE to get poppin' when my alcohol level is at "Daaaaammmnn, Homey." So don't leave ya man OR woman 'round ME! True playa fa real! Ask ANY nigga...FA REAL!

But now that I'm speeding towards the hill's plateau...I recognize it's time to make a change. It ain't as cute to be a drunken menage-a-twenty-enducing bitch at 28 like it was 5 or 6 years ago.

And if I ain't sliding my hands where the sun don't shine...then I'm somewhere passed out...silently buying tickets to go dap up Peter and lay in the bosom of my Sweet Lord. And that's REALLY not cute because who wants to be luggin' alla THIS onto a gurney?

So I guess I need to find my magical amount. The one that KEEPS me faded, but not enough to lay me out!

But...not tonight!

**Shouts to my boy Dre for the inspiration! You ain't NEVAAAAAA lied!!!!!

NO-NO-NO-NOTORIOUS

Notorious, the biopic currently being filmed about the life of late rapper Notorious B.I.G., would do better being called No Look Alikes.

Jamal Woolard, the actor playing the lead role, is not nearly "Biggie"-looking enough for my tastebuds. My panty partner just doesn't get the same instant drying sensation and overwhelming desire to sew itself shut like it did viewing this nice young man. Uh, BAYBA-BAYBAY UHH!



And Naturi Naughton, the cute chocolate one of 3LW "fame", in the role of Lil' Kim, has more of her Tangi Miller game proper.
Plus, her staink factor is far too low to capture the necessary doucheynous of the Queen Bee. I have no sudden urge to plug a Summer's Eve nozzle into my USB port like I do whenever I Kim comes across my monitor. TRUUUUUEEE!


Add in Angela Bassett as Miss Voletta Wallace...you really got some casting bullfuckery going on!
AN-GEL-A BASSETT??!?!!!! Fa real? That's ya word?
I mean...Alfre Woodard wasn't available? Whoopi Goldberg didn't have space on her calendar? WHAT?!

With casting like this, I don't EVEN wanna know who they'll pick to play Faith Evans.
Heaven help us if Kim Wayans is free!

Paris is Falling

**rubbing hands together while speaking in my e-veeeelll, sinister voice**

PARIS HILTON...YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOWWWNNNNN!
RARARARARAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!


Paris hilton took a niiiiiice lil' spill, which birthed a niiiiice lil' chin knot, while leaving a music store in Prague.

You KNOW you're a herpes ridden, praying mantis A-alike whorebag when you even FALL like a ho. Peep the placement of her head in the second pic as she's trying to recover.

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
**calling home to see if someone can bring me some fresh undies as the ones I'm currently wearing have inexplicably turned a liquidy brown**

Rich bitch!

My wifey's hurtin', y'all

My bottom biatch, Oprah, is dedicating an entire show to the memory of my stepdog, Sophie, who kicked the big doghouse last month. The show will investigate abuses at puppy mills and is touted as being for "for anybody anywhere who loves a dog, has ever loved a dog, or just cares about their basic right to humane treatment." (Source)

Yeah, my baby really loved that animal. Nine times out of 10, I couldn't even get her out of her freakum Spanx for her worrying about them damn dogs.
But now that Sophie's finally out the gotdayum way gone to doggy heaven **evil grin while tucking puppy poison** the only hurdle I have that's keeping us off the road to marital bliss is that damn cinna-ninja Stedman. GRRRRR!!!!

Give me that Dusty Looooooooove!

Good morning, SavvyFatty'ers! Happy Tuesday! (<--whatever the hell that means! If it ain't Friday, it ain't right!)
Ain't much going on this morn. I am SUPERVISOR and CARING ABOUT WORK-FREE today! So...you just do you! And U'mma do me! Sittin' at work chillin' on SavvyFatty!

Sooooo...let's cut to the chase:
I think someone has an office crush on ya ol' girl.
**noddin' head while lickin' lips and poppin' starched white collar**

And why wouldn't they? I mean I only steps up in this piece in the best collared shirts, sweaters and jeans (<--YUP! Found out they couldn't really enfore a dress code cuz we're gubment employees...so I tucked the slacks like an iced out chain on the corner of MLK Blvd and Malcolm X Ave!!) that Lane Bryant and their $50 off a purchase of $150 or more coupons can buy!

For the past few weeks one of my elderly coworkers (YES!) has had NO problem standing behind me for a good 86 seconds before actually opening her (YES! HER!) gums to say something. And usually when she does finally speak, it's some half thought-through NON-funny joke or gossip that I'm supposed to be remotely interested in. But since she's on the geriatric set and the only other negroid in my office, I entertain her bullshit by smiling sweetly.

And how do I know she's there in the first place, you ask?
Well, first off: The beezy is forever rockin' at least one piece of one of them circa 1991 noisy ass jogging suits. If she ain't rockin' the pants and causing bleeding ears throughout the building with each footstep, she is mosdef in the jacket. That shit right there gives her away as soon as she stands up out of her chair and steps out of her cube. All you hear in the aisle is "Swish swoosh sweesh swoosh." And when it stops directly behind my head, at that moment, I know she's there. Standing silently while staring at the back of my weave.

I NEVER turn around. NEVER EVER for fear that if I turn around too soon she'll be licking the PolyDent off her dentures and forming a dust cloud by rubbing the hail out of what's left of her clit.
Because...why else would she be staring at the back of my dome for so long? Other than the fact that she's imagining what it would be like to have all 2 packs of my Venus MicroYaky all up and through her fingers as I'm diving lips first into her lovely lady lap. **coats back of throat with corny vomit**

Damn me for being the sexy big beast I am!!!!!!!