T-Blogging

hey. Hey! HEY!!!
Get your nasty minds out the gutter. It's short for "Thanksgiving Day Blogging," you filthy nasty bastard!

Anywhoo...yeah, it's that day. You know. I know it. The calendar has seen it alllll before.
So: STOP WITH THE TEXTS!
Please.And.IMMEDIATELY.


So, instead of doing that traditional shit for today, I'm at home alone, just on the net browsing pics, vids, news and shit.
And now, I present to you: The Standouts.
I either THOROUGHLY enjoyed them...or I wanted to pry open my monitor and instantly engage in a bout of fisticuffs over the sheer amount of WTFuckery.
**Please Note: At all times I'm NOT going to act like I know where folks is at nor what's going on. I like looking at pretty things--pretty FUCKtastic things. Ok-k-k?



It's 'Yonce, bitches!

"Baby/AHHH/AHH/HEE!/You SO FUH-NY/AIN'T NO WORRIES/NAW/I WON'T EAT THIS "E"/I AIN'T HONE-GRAAAYY!!!/I JUST HAD SPICY PIG'S FEET/AND SOME GRAPE HENNESSEY/MIIIIIGH-TY TASTY!/I AIN'T HONE-GRRRAAAAYYY!!!!"

Bey'ouncy was out at a zookeeper's camel-toe manufacturing convention press conference for her latest movie role as legendary singer, Etta James, in "Cadillac Records."
(**Sidenote: I used to have a record company. It was called, "Hyundai Kia 8-Tracks."



SEXBEX-UAL CHOCOLATE
David Beckham was actively turning my big girl yannies into the River Jordan by continually being THE finest White Man I ever have see'd. Bex was seen out and about in the NYC with two of his sons with wifey, Victoria "Posh Spice" , Brookly, and Romeo.



T-Reacherous
If I had to describe T-Pain's fashion sense, it'd be Ghetto Beach Bum 19th Century Magician Moderna...or some fuck shit similar.
Copped this pic from t-pain.net. Looks like "Topanga" from Boy Meets World wanted to meet "Sooty McOilSlickerstein" in person and finally all her wildest parents' nightmares dreams came true backstage at his concert.
What Would YOU Call T-Pizzle's Fashion Sense?


Nag In The Day
I am SO my grandmother! I just LITERALLY told myself, as I stepped on and DID NOT pick up: "You AIN'T gon' rest 'til that earring is broke."



Cheeks In My Sheets


Does ex-Lost Boys frontman, Mr. Cheeks, know he's STILL in the #1 spot of my Hip Hop Hit List? Just edged out of Young Buck, who was slightly in front of Lil' Wayne, but at least 50 paces ahead of Plies...and 368 ahead of 8-Ball &MJG.
If so, then why ain't he bustin' the door of ChateauSavv down like the ATF who can smell the Mary on my breff?
I need Cheeks to get in betwixt DEEEEZZZZZ Cheeks; QUICK!
Lights! Camera! FAT ACTION!



Jammin' For Jesus

**CHAL-LUNJ: If you know this song, I CHAL-LUNJ you to watch this vid without freeing your soul via your vocal chords. The part where I hold my own personal karaoke contest, the 3:22 mark.

Gospel sibling super-group, BeBe & CeCe Winans, have noooooo IDEAR how much me and my twin cuzzos, Stacee and Tracee along with their lil' sis, Kris, played the plastic and white writing off this tape right here.
This joint was a baptist BANGER, yo! The album, 1991's Different Lifestyles, produced another holy hit, "I'll Take You There" featuring soul singer, Mavis Staples.

**Sidenote: As a kid, I used to say, "Well, what happened to Aa & DeDe Winans? Dumb azz joke, right? (I was a lame elementary school kid with a jheri curl shag; WHAT.CAN.I.SAY?)
**Side-SIDENOTE: There WAS an "Aa" & "DeDe" Winans, lil' sisters, Angie & Debbie, who also had a few contemporary gospel hits back in the early 90s.
Dayum, **whoops** I mean, "DAAAGGGG!" Ma & Pa Winans: Y'all was...**trying to keep it G-sus Christ Rated** producing a gang of good gospel saingin' chil'rens! Including Mario Winans...how many Winans is that? (haha! J/k No Bad Boy)



Boodussy

So, yeah, I'm sitting here muthabloggin' while treating my ears to Music Choice's Hip Hop station.
Blazing in, like a baby daddy dropping off his kids while ya new man is sitting up in his drawls on the "sticks," comes a lil' ditty by some dudes named Juney Bo and Marc Decoca Soulja Boy'in with a song called "wassupwitdapussy."
This shit is still in its fuckery infancy, so I couldn't find any graphics or vids to prove this shit TRILLY happened.
But like the old saying goes: If some fuckery goes down in the 'hood and no one hears it does E=mC2?
Yeah. Ok.
Still holds no candle to my favorite pussy song at the moment. This gets MUCH play...and MANY BET Uncut videos made to it. YEE!!!



Fuck.
In "Aren't You Ugly Enough You Don't Need Accessories or Unkempt Hair Adding Insult to Unattractiveness Injury" news...
(No. That's All.)



BEAT.E.T
If you're not watching BET's "Brothers to Brutha," (Tues., 10:30pm) you need to add it to your Dysfunctial Black Depictions TiVo or DVR list. It's type-WORTH IT!

This past episode showed the boys visiting their estranged father in his Vegas home. Ninjas wasn't in the house GOOD before Pops and Uncle were going at it and ended up in a bare-knuckle wrestling brawl all over the poor, innocent sofa.
Then Pops calls his own son, Papa (far right), a "biatch" after his son called him out on not really feeling him nor the state of their tumultuous relationship.
Now that "Real Housewives of Atlanta" is outro for the season, you've got an open spot, riiiight behind Keyshia Cole's family fuckshit, "The Way It Is."



La-La-Leopard!

I.Need.These.Shoes!

Steve Madden's "Shake Up" in Leopard.
(Also available in Zebra; I need those, too. Por.Favor.And.Gracias.)
Cone-heeled, shiny patent, slight pointed toe HOTNESS!

If this pair were miiiiiine I'd freak 'em with a a dusty blue-green pair of shizzades, a chic maribou bolero, beige turtleneck, chunky jewelry, semi destructed flare leg jeans, brown suede bag, a digital flash camcorder and an iPod tizzouch. (both of which I'd like to get for Christmas. So start clickin' on some of these ads...or slaingin' some of your azz and hook a 'Fatty up!)

FALL-iday Fab by SavvyFatty


*************

Now that you've seen what I've been up to today...
HOW WAS YOUR TURKEY DAY?!

Paper Plan$

Happy Hump Day, folks!!! **sidenote: Is it just me...or do you think this is IGG-ZACK-LEE what pops off after every NBA game?

Anywhoo...

For those of you who’ve been following this dirty weave track of a blog I have for any amount of time, you know I am an ABSOLUTE horndizzog.
I like to screw more than Mountain likes to Dew. I like to do the grown up more times than Oprah’s blown up. I like to fuck more than Converse likes to Chuck. Comprende?

So, with the economy worse off than Kim Zolciak’s wig in a windstorm added with the fact that my coworkers and I have been promised ZIP-ZERO raises for the next couple of years, I’ve got my hornay lil’ mind working overTIZZIME thinking of a Master Plan to supplement my already paltry income. (no prostitute)

So, while chilling at ChateauSavv, I came up with a couple of business ideas to help a sista be JUST FINE! in '09 and play the game to win in 2K10.

Tell me which one you think will pop off faster than a hooker’s bra:

Sex Toy Jingle Jammer:
Not **buzz** that **buzz** I’m **buzz** a **buzz** connoisseur **buzz** or anything **lip bite; lite Big O** but I think I’d be a bomb azz jingle writer for sex toys. Take this lil’ ditty, reppin’ for the legendary lady lover, the Rabbit, for example:

(adlib) "Purple Rabbit All-Stars in this biatch! **music stops**
I be on it/All night, man: I BE ON IT!/ALL DAY!/Straight up/Pimp if you want it you can find in vajay/I’M ON IT!"



OR




SavvyFatty’s Chicken, ‘Dro & Lapdances
Imagine a nice lil’ spot where you can blow a lil’ bit of Dr. Dre’s first album, order up some shit and get your proper eat “OWN,” theeennnnn top it all off with a big booty bouncin’ biatch shakin’ faster than dice on ‘hood corners.


The ambience would be Haute ‘Hood Fab at its finest with wooden TV trays posted in front of big, comfy sectional couches.


Once you’re done eating and turning some shit INTO shit and breaking your ‘dro up like divorced couples break the dough up, you can fold your tray up to make room for “Mercedez” to shake what her mama gave her. There'd be a VIP/Champagne area with beat-the-HAIL-UP couches available for those who get weed-stuck...or to be utilized by those who found a nice, kind strippin' hoe to get they dick sucked.
**Please Note: NO, I will NOT have Stay-Puff Marshstripper bringin' down the pole AND the house with her earthquakin' bodyshakin'. HOWEVER, if you come on the right night, you just MIGHT get a bar of this SavvyFatty Twurkeration in ya life. IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' GAME!

Now, my loyal SavvyFAT’LIENS:

Which one of these fool-proof plizzans do YOU think will have me making BIIIIIG CHIP$ instead of this wishbone and a holey stocking cap I currently cop every other Friday?

System Overload

YO!!!!! My Loyal Savvy FAT'Liens!

Today, on New Music Tuesday, my Hip HOp HIGHNESS of the moment, Kanye Wizzest, releases his 4th studio effort and next GINORMOUS hit CD, 808s & Heartbreak.

Everybody gigged out over his heart-wrenching, emotional roller-vocoding of the lead single, "Love Lockdown" on this year's VMAs. Now's the chance to cop the entire album of brokenhearted hip hop ballads!!! LimeWireBEST BUY, here I come!

But...even better than the new, NEW Kanye ish is the SavvyFatty FreakMixxx of "Love Lockdown"...on the Social Media tizznip!
This goes out to ANY- and EVERYbody who's ever used a social networking site. You chit-chatted with a few folks, doing a lil' bullshitting, maybe a lil' networking and conversing with folks. One convo lead to the other; next thing you know you got an eBFF.
Soon, after hitting your ass up on every Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and the like you got, that eBFF quickly turns to an eStalker.
Then, shit quickly gets outta hand and you don't know which way to turn.

THIS RIGHT HERE'S FOR YOU!

**Shout outs to all the ninjas and beaches I chat with daily via Gmail Chat. Fresh Shouts! to my TWEEPS reppin' over at Twitter. TWITTER PARK PIRU on mine, CUHZ!!!!!

"Don't Tweet Or Gmail Now"

by S A V V Y Fatty!

**making the bass line on my desk**
boohm BOOHM BOOOHHMM!

1st Verse

I start followin' you

Cuz you asked me to

Hardly even knew

But ya Tweets seemed cool

But you Tweet too much

Free time is long

You'z a grown azz bitch and still live at home

So you over post

Over OVER! post

Post too gotdamn much!

Now it's over, love

You done lost control

Twitter Overload

Fail Whale screamed': "NO MO, MO MO MUH-MO'!"

2^nd VERSE

Done with followin' you

But I'll remain cool

Better shit to do

Than bullTWIT with you

So I blocked my posts

Tweet 'em on the low

So now ya nosey azz will never know

CHORUS

Don't Tweet or Gmail now

Tweet or Gmail now

Don't Tweet or Gmail now

Tweet or Gmail now

So keep ya nosey azz out

Ya nosey azz out

So keep ya nosey azz out

We're through

3^rd VERSE

I stopped followin' you

Way I wanted to

Was gone lose my cool

You done lost ya screws

Gotdamn BooBoo the Fool

So I gotta move

I can't remain sane

And still Tweet with you

So I speak my mind

And I let you know

"Follow me no mo'!"

You got angry though

Wasn't so kind cuz I told you

But shit ain't never got through

We're through

Bid adieu

4^th VERSE

I'm like fuck it, dude

Let me not be rude

I unblocked this ho

From my email too

She didn't waste no time

Shoulda been a crime

Tryna Gmail chat

All damn day and night

CHORUS (1x)

5^th VERSE

Ain't emailin' you

Way you want me to

Now ya screen name's new

And I never knew

Chopped it up with you

Had mad love for you

But ya cover you blew

Now you really through

Now my blood is boiling

Punches gon' throwin'

Yo eye gon' get swole

Only God knows

If you'll sneak me, too

Nigga I'm the troof

You'll lose

And get bruised

6^th VERSE

Me and Twitter's through

Me and Gmail, too

The Net's got to go

Too many fools

I will Tweet no mo'

Email's a wrap fa sho

I'm not followin' you

Or Gmailing you

CHORUS 1X

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose

Thank you! Thank you VURRY MUCH!!!!


Now...TELL ME I'M WRONG?!!

Tres Preguntas

Alright, tricks and tramps: Y'all got an assignment.

Each Monday, ("each" meaning IF and WHEN I remember) I'll ask you 3 questions.
Once those questions are thoroughly read, I'll expect your ass to E-MEE-CHID-LEE depart from reading this post to click on the "Post A Comment" button, right after copying and pasting all 3 questions.
I expect all to be answered; HONESTLY and COMPLETELY.

Now...Like Comm said: "GO!"


1) How did James Bond know her name wasn’t spelled “Pus Egawlor” and pronounced more like “Puss E-gaaawlll-or” instead of the simple “Pussy Galore?”

2) Have you ever pictured you living your life as someone else?
I have. But I’d still want the know-how and ability to relieve my gas aches by inserting a regular-sized Q-Tip directly into my…

3) Have you discovered Adele yet?...

**smch** AND WHY NOT?!

This biatch is like the cherubic, straight-toofed, un-drunk-and-Crackula’d, Beth-Ditto-With-A-Bath EuroMod version of Amy Winehouse.

No joke: I was dead BUHLEEP! (San Diego Blood-Talk for “Sleep” <<<--which actually DOES NOT start with the evil ‘C’ that Bloods hate so much, but I digress) and heard her soulful swooning and woke STRAIGHT the HAIL UP! Her voice is smooth like caramel, yet there’s a taste of danger; a hint of “Don’t Fuck With Me.”

Here she is, giving the crowd the BEESWAX, performing “Chasing Pavements” from her album, 19, on "Late Show with David Letterman."

Listen to this shit and tell me you don’t hear the slight welling of tears in her heart. CHALLLL-LUNJ!

As For Me: I'm Breaking Inside

This weekend I’m cleaning my house in preparation for my girl Jhazzai of YeahISaidIt to come through and kick it with ya girl and crew of crazy biatches.
So, with vacuum actively being pushed across the rug, I’m listening to my Anita Baker Pandora station and “No One In This World” comes on. I smile and say a silent, “Awwww sheeiiiittt!” cuz this is my JAM!!! Anita can do no wrong in my eyes ANYWAY, but this shit right here, ninja! Oooh! OOOHHH! That’s my shit! THAT’S MY SHIT!!!
So, I’m vacuuming while mindlessly singing along until it gets to the part that resonates SO with my current situation (3:50 mark):

Please take me back (Please take me back)
Oh babe, I can't go on (I can't go on)
I'm not happy in my life without you
I'll do whatever it takes
I've got to get you back with me again (Got to get you back with me)
I realize I need you here in my life

(No one in the world) No one, no one
(No one in the world) Nobody loves me like you do
(No one in the world)
(Like) My (You) my (Do) my (And) baby
(Every time) You got the love I need
(Love I need) Ain’t nobody ‘round here to love me

Ain't no one in the world (No one in the world)

Like a live feed, nuclear hot tears begin streaming down my cheeks as I belt out that bridge like I’m trying to get to the other side, mayne! The intensity of the tears quickly turned from a soulful, “Let it out, girl!” cry to full-on "Good Googly Moogly That Cry is OOGLY!!!" kind of sadness.

In all my years I’ve never been this emotional over a NINJA that left my life months ago.
I’m usually a 5-Star General G when it comes to lovin’ ‘em and leavin’ ‘em. But this ONE got “in” like Depends on old women, man. FA TRILL.
It scared me how my mind drifted from the soulful smooth of Anita’s singing to…US.

Seems as if at that moment my mind conjured up every thought and feeling about what an US used to be.

How, in the beginning, I longed for him to notice ME out of a sea of faces.
How I wanted him to come to me; be next to ME, of all places.
How I was puppy-love giddy every time he’d cross my mind.
How I wanted to consume-no, monopolize-each second of his time.
How we could talk about anything, at any place, any time.
How he stimulated not only my body, but satiated my mind.
How I thought of him as Mentor. Lover. Friend.
How I could see NO ONE else in my future. I only wanted HIM. THE END.
How I never, ever, EVER pictured loving another.
How I’d fucked with MANY, but not a ONE like this brother.
My mind drifts to loneliness and sadness oft.
How I’m not only missing my lover, I’m mourning a friendship lost.
Throwing flowers on graves of conversations we’ve had.
Shedding tears cuz with him, again, I’ll never share a laugh.
How no one on EARTH had impressed me so much.
How in one convo, seamlessly, he’d drift from politics, religion, to hip hop and such.
Seemed like I lived for his every sentence, thought profound of each noun, each verb.
And how now that he’s left my life, my whole existence's disturbed.
There’s a physical pain aching where the eye isn't seeing.
It's his absence from my world harming my wellbeing.
How I miss his face, his smile, his presence-TREMENDOUS.
How till this day, STILL, I know not why we ended.
Not even a sentence, no closure about why he couldn’t continue.
Doesn’t he at least owe me THAT? After all that we’ve been through?
A simple, “Fuck you, bitch!” or simply “I choose not to go on”
Would be better than these feelings of “WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?”
What’s craziest though, is he has my heart STILL.
And how, thus far, No One In This World has replaced him cuz NO ONE EVER WILL.

Is there a heart in the house tonight?!

Thursday Survey...OK?!

Like we always do about this time...
Here's a survey I found via Myspace and my homeskillet, Sexxxtina!

1) Your most recent ex REALLY needed you at 3am and you had a way to their house would you go?
I'd go...with a Louisville slugger in one hand...and a pot of NUCLEAR, hot grits in the other.


2) When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?
Now...oh, and now...ooooh, and RIGHT NOW ain't no punk, either!

3) Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
Uhhhh-DOOOYYYYY!!!

4) Do you have a best friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they wont tell?
Fuck NO! Bitches ain't SHIT! I learned that a few years back!

5) Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
I sure do. We "meet" at least once a month to "get dat OLLLL' thang back." ;^p

6) Could you go a day without eating?
Could you go a day without your chest making that "up-down" motion?


7) When's the last time you hugged someone?
I'm not a hugger. I'm a throat fucker.


8) Ever had a near death experience?
Yup, Valentine's Day 1986; the kid was almost taken out the game, courtesy of a 1985 Toyota Tercel and rain, rain that wouldn't go away!


9) Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Honestly, no.
Do I want to be so I won't still be sittin' here posted in my Ikea Tullsta chair writing a blog about how my nipples hang lower than my iced out handicap placard...HAIL YES!


10) Do you plan on kissing the last person you hugged?
Cain't remember who that was. Could have been Sojourner Truth...could have been Frederick Douglass...it's been THAT long...


11) Do you own anything from Hollister?

• Does Hollister carry jumbo sizes?
• Does Hollister cater to big black beezies?
• DO I have $100 to look like I've sprayed my hair with Eau de Ocean's jiz?
• Do I look like I enjoy eating bologna and sand tacos?

...Ok, then.


12) Do you like someone now?
Yup!
I like him alot, but I love HIM MORE!

14) Last clothes store u went?
Bullocks...Shit, I don't know. I ain't seen the mall since Moses was sellin' LCD Ten Commandment Belts.


15) Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
'Relationship' should be a 4-letter word...unless it's talking about a woman and her love for Chipotle; then, and ONLY then, is it more than appropriate.


16) Did you ever consider a modeling career?
Yup, I could be a fly azz twice-baked Pillsbury Dough Biatch.
**picture me bakin'**


17) Think of the last person you held hands with, do they mean something to you?
More than he'll ever know. Sometimes I get sugary sweet for a shitty-azz ninj. **bitch slaps self**

I.Got.JOKES!!!! (I Got Jo-whoa-okes)

Here's the joke of the week courtesy of Young S A V V A Y Bay-beh!

Johnny Gill's baby batter imbiber, Eddie Murphy's shirt is so tight, his nipples got asthma.

OBC: Ninja PLEASE!: Killa Kanekalon Edition

Anybody interested in a ninja who likes to dress like he's at his own funeral?

Fancy a kind gentleman who ain't afraid to rock a kanekalon toupe and a basketball shorts-satin Raiders joy-zee?


Prefer a dude who is well aware of his uncanny resemblance to the Rev. Al, which is the exact reason he decided to pixelate the picture of him volunteering at his mother's bingo game

Then holla atcha uncle, De'Jeffrey Ernesto Blanchard (cuz what else could it be?) aka "Genuwine" on America's Next Top HIV Distributor, OnlineBootyCall.

*********
So what y'all think:
Should I give him the Jheri/S-Curl Hitler Mustache GAAASSSS Face...?!?!!!
OR
...Should I give him my yantie size and a couple batches of Real Women dollar$ so he can buy me some tents ling-er-ree at Lane Brizzity?

SavvyFat'liens: YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!!!

Showed Up & Showed OUT!

**STIIILLLLLL actively busting my Election Night "Yeah-Muhfucka-Right-Back-On-Dat-Ass! WE WON, NINJA!!!" 32-step**

Deuces to you, too, McAged!

For my loyal SavvyFat'Liens: Remember this?
Did you think ya girl wouldn't hit you off with the SavvyFatty vic-Vic-VIC-VICTORIOUS! FreakMixxx?

Let's G-G-Get It!

Did we vote like THIS?!

Said, "NAAAWW, GOP! You dun' done ENOUGH SHIT!"

No one in my circle said, "Fuck the ballot box!"

So we stood the HAIL UP and we voted BARACK!

BUUUHHHDD-RRRAAHHH!!!!!!!

(Or whatever sound that is that Jigga-Man makes at the end of the end of "A Bill")

VOTE Girl Magic!

Happy Election Day, folks!

For all you sexxxy ninjas and beaches who have already cast your votes:

BIG UPZ...TO ALL MY VOTERS!!!!!!

You KNOOOOWWWW the kid was at the polls RIGHT when they cracked the doors open, fresh! in my YES WE CAN! Red, HOPE! White and BARACK DAT SHIT! Blue. And even though I was early like a gay "bear" is burly, I was STILL in line for a nice lil' minute. (40 or so, to be exact.)

But, wait or no wait, it was refreshing to see people lined up EARLAY in the mo'nin' for something other than purchasing discount electronics on Black Friday.

Trill shit: I walked out of the polling place, and scanned the crowd with tears in my eyes. Shit, I drove to WORK eyes wet like my yannies when I saw Floyd Mayweather in a tight tee in Vegas.

I'm TRILLY on my Mama Obama shit right now: "For the first time in my adult life I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.”

However, let's not get TOOOO complacent or excited.

Let's see how this shit pans out tonight. Let's see if Karl Rove and his GOP Goons snatch another one from up under the people. The election day voter fraud has ALREADY reared its big, ugly head.

Tonight, I'll be chilling with my folks sipping 2-Buck Chuck like "NINJA: WUHT!" while watching it all unfold.

HOW WAS YOUR ELECTION DAY?

HOW WILL YOU SPEND YOUR ELECTION NIGHT?

I Believe The Children ARE Our Future

...Teach them WELL and let them lead the way.

(Trill shit, pre-crack Whitney! TRILL SHIT!)

For all the voting parents, especially you Barack-A-Fellas and Barack OMamas in the hizzouse, I IMPLORE you to involve your kiddies in the voting process, like my girl, Tamekah, has done with her boys, EJ, 2, (L) and Amari, 4, (R).

Take them to the polls WITH you. Let them observe and explain the process. Show them the importance of excercising their RIGHT at a young age so that it becomes part of their life's routine.

I still remember MamaSavv taking me with her to the polls in '84. I didn't fully understand it then, but with each election and subsequent trip to the polling place, I became familiar with and increasingly interested in the process.

By the time I was 18 and in college, I knew the name of the game and was eager to let my voice be heard.

Give your child(ren) the same "gift."

If YOU ain't "on:" VOTE NOW!

MURS'Y Mercy Me

This is the soundtrack for my election day.
That first verse is no punk!
Listen.

Election Day Eats

Raise your hand if you don't like FREE SHIT?!?!?!

Yeah...Thought so.

You know the politically-savvy Baby D in me knows AAAALLLL about the Election Day food freebies.
How you think I got this pot belly: OVERNIGHT?! I gotta get it how I live!

So, if your inner fat kid wants some free shit as a reward for voicing your vote, see below on ways to turn your 'I Voted' sticker into some serious Election Day swag!

******
For all you coffee zombies (or those of you needing a booboo boost after a long night of imbibing all types of ill shit **points to my weekend and sometimes weekday-if-I-had-a-long-day-at-work self**) Starbucks is offering a FREE tall cup of their brewed coffee.
Key Words: BREWED coffee.
So don't go in there embarrassing yourself and ya mama acting all douche'y if you can't get a venti decaf triple soy latte frappuccino with a chicken noodle soup and a soda on the side.
Be grateful that the company who's charged us a 50 magillion percent markup for the past decade+ on effin' COFFEE is giving us something other than that late morning "No dee HAIL I DIDN'T just spend fo' dollars on some gotdayum ground up beans and I'm STIIILLLL tired as FUCK!" crash.



Need a coffee companion?
Then hit up my favorite pound-purveyor, Krispy Kreme, to receive a FREE sprinkle-spangled, star-shaped donizzity for exercising your right to VIZZOTE!



I scream! You scream! We all scream for FREE ICE CREAM!
Hit up Ben & Jerry's for a free scoop (1, you greedy arses!) between 5 and 8pm today!


KNOW ANY OTHER ELECTION DAY FREEBIES?
Hit the comments off, ninjas! Share the wealth! [/Barack Obama]

Back Like a Plumber's Crack

Yeah, I been M.I.A. for a minute...


...As well as for Halloween.

Whatchu know about S.A.V. F.A.T.?
I cut pies like paper/Get high like Wayne/If you catch me in the fridge/I been smokin' all day


How happy was YOUR Halloween?