How many "celebrity" appearances can one make, gel'd and weave'd up, before it's time to freshen your camel toe by hanging up your swap meet leggings, unpeeling your lacefront, logging on to Monster.com and getting a REAL job?!?!?!
The answer: Obviously MORE. **big sigh as eyes roll like some 24'z**
Peep Bootz (Larissa) and Buckeey (Shay) of Flavor of Fuckery riding their 15 minutes of "fame" till the heels come off at BET's Spring Bling show, "Rides, Rims and Runway."
I ain't mad. I know suckin' Ray Ray's dick to get a bag of Wet N' Wavy, and sounds and 13'z put on ya Cavalia' ain't the bidnizz no mo'. Get dat guap!
But my thing is: Does it ALWAYS have to be on some ghetto shit?! I'm sure Meet the Press would LOVE to have these nice young ladies' opinions on the economy and/or the Presidential Race.
**slaps self with the 'Yeah, Riiiiight' stick**
Larissa's stuffed like a Christmas Ham in dem Baby Forever 21 acid wash skinny floods, ain't she? Guess that fuckin' for appearances dough is keepin' her LACED with Popeye's 3-piece combo meals like NEVER before.
And donde esta all that azz she was shakin' when she asked Flav what he was gon' name her during her season on FofF?
Monday, March 31, 2008
GET A JOB, MUTHAFUCKAZ!!!!
CESAR is the reason for the season!
I know some of y'all is like, "DAAAAAMMNN!!! That bitch is a pussy postin' MONSTAH today!"
Yup! In my white tee!
And the reason...It's Cesar Chavez day, snitches!! A Cali holiday!!!! And a bitch got TIIIIMMEEE!!! I'z at home just kickin' it like Xscape in my Faded Glory tank, Mossimo sweats, mismatched socks and NEW! weave.
Oh, I just LUV'Z me a 3-day weekend!!!! Ain't NUH'CHIN like it!!!!! (Well, maybe a fresh order of rolled tacos with sour cream, cheese, guacamole and a horchata...or Floyd Mayweather, Idris Elba and Kim Kardashian fighting over who's gonna bless my tiny mike first!)
So sit back, relax, read on and getcho comment on, you bastahds!
Stink PINK LADY!
Mariah Carey was in France promoting her single "Touch My Body" and stainkin' up the place while looking like an extra from the movie Grease: Slicka Than Nu-Nile.
**screaming on Mariah's stylists**
E-NUFF AW'REDDY! The pee-po is tiiiii'ed with the constant tittay display and those pale glue sticks she calls legs. Would it HURT to put a bitch in a button up shirt and some highwaisted slacks for a muddasuckin' change??!?!?!!?!! Or has the world not seen enough of her mammal toe yet?
What's the word, Johannesburg?!!!!!
Hatin' Panettiere
Is it just me...or do all of Hayden Panties Tierra's dresses fit her like the last piece of Charmin fits the cardboard roll?
Something about her head to shoulders to waist to legs ratio is off. **shrugs** I'own know.
Disclaimer: I know I got my nerve seeing as how I'm a football player by the shoulders...and Barney by the bellay. But as always: I LOVE YOU/YOU LOVE ME/I'd love you MORE if we could blow some trees/With the seeds picked out/And the sticks thrown away/We'll get the munchies and hot fuck all day...
**wank, wank**
Black Lips and Knuckles Love!
BOI, LUKKA HEA'!
Supposedly, after shakin' Shaunie like a case of Parkinson's, Shaq is bangin' R&B half-a-hit wonder singer Jerzee Monet like a drum.
I ain't even mad! Do ya thang, Shaq!
And Jerzee, I knoooowww them "Most High" checks stopped rolling in many moons ago. GET IN WHERE YOU CAN FIT IN!!!
**winks while pointing to the coochie and dry humping the air...then forms a half-circle in stomach area while mouthing "CHING CHING"**
Child Support is a KILLA!
...so don't push it...PAY IT!!!
R&B singer Sean Levert collapsed at a Cleveland jail and was rushed to Lutheran Hospital where he later died. Levert was 39 years old and the son of legendary O'Jays singer Eddie Levert and the brother of late R&B icon Gerald Levert, who died in November 2006 at the age of 40.
Levert was serving jail time for ducking ChiSup in the tune of $80+ Gs.
DAAAMMMNNN, homey! What a way to go!!
**pours out a lil gravy for the fat brotha who ain't here**
Death is never funny which is why I ain't gon' make joke 1 about this sitcho. It's truly sad and shocking. Especially since he probably told his baby mamas, "I'll pay you trick hoes child support over my dead body!" and then did the dance from the "Just Coolin'" video right out the door.
**cutting eyes to the baby mamas while mouthing "CHA-CHING!"**
Elderlicious!
Musical Douchebag Rapper Singer Artist Fergie recently celebrated her 33rd bday with a Vegas shindig where her King Tut A-alike game was diesel. Peep ya granny's pair of saggy Silk Reflections she uses for a neck.
**licks lips then vomits** Ooooohhh!! FERGIELICIOUS!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Kids Choice-y Lovers
The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards were held Saturday in La-La-Land at UCLA's Pauley Pavilion.
Several of your favorite stars were in the house looking their "best." And you know me...always handing out an 'E' for "Ehhhh...well, you tried."
America Ferrera was in the house, betraying bigger girls EVERYWHERE by shrinking to the size and proportions of a bobblehead.
Lil Mama was trying harder than a gay porn star's cock as always.
Anybody else hear the muffled sounds of angry piano playing and a body shifting in its grave? Even the ghost of Liberace is appauled by this outfit. I heard some muffled muttering about the bullfuckery of puffy paints and hot pink glitter.
Akon brought his own personal 6-to-6 Program to the festivities. Very handsome set of boys. Even the one with his Royal Tenenbaums game proper. Looks like 'Kon got Loon on the payroll, in the background toting a box of Capri Suns and a duffle bag of pee-pee clothes for the occassion.
Is it me...or does LaToya Rihanna look like she visited the Jackson family butcher doctor? That nose is lookin' Rachel Zoe-type thin. Really, her WHOLE face is looking different.
Pump ya brakes, Rih! Don't travel down Vivica Fox Lane! And PLEASE!! Don't get on the Lil Kim Expressway!
**injecting monitor with an insulin shot**
Winner of Project Runway Christian Soriano blessed the event with his sugary sweet presence while giving that Side Eye of Diabetes. **vigorously shaking pointer finger only** FIERCE!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Enough is E-MUTHA-FUCKIN-NUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
San Diego STOP THE VIOLENCE March & Rally
Friday, 3/28/08
16-year-old Brandon Nicholas Johnson of Lemon Grove and his 15-year-old buddy, Donnell Eric Davis Jr. of San Diego, both died after a car-to-car shooting on state Route 54 on Sunday, March 16, 2008. Donnell attended Lincoln High School along with one of the shooting/crash survivors.
Funeral services for both will be at Bayview Baptist Church on Thursday, March 27, 2008 at 11:00 a.m.
Yesterday, a 16 year old classmate of Donnell Davis asked to meet with me. Lacanae Meafee, a junior at Lincoln High School wanted to know if a march she was organizing down Imperial Avenue from St. Stephen's Church could conclude with a call to action rally at the Jackie Robinson Family YMCA.I told her it was the least we could do to help our community overcome this tragic loss. What was most impressive about Lacanae's request is her strong desire to go beyond the 1.7 march on a Friday night.
Now I need your help.Please consider joining the march down Imperial Avenue and attending the rally at the Jackie Robinson Family YMCA. Lacanae and her organizing team expect 200-300. I suggested they might want to prepare for 2,000 to 3,000.
Visit this link: http://zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB227LZ6RZN8H to RSVP or volunteer. There has never been a more important time to support the youth in our community.
Michael Brunker, Executive DirectorJackie Robinson Family YMCA
GUILTY!
Rapper Remy Ma was found guilty of four charges stemming from the 2007 incident where Remy shot a friend after a fight over 3Gs in cash allegedly stolen from her purse. At sentencing, Remy could face up to a maximum of 25 years in prison.
It's been reported that the victims friends and family heckled Remy once the verdicts were read. Some were heard to be screaming, "Don't think they got honey blonde bang dye in the big house, biiiiaaatccch!!!!!"
Daaaammnnn, homey! Poor Remy. Besides 25 years, she's also facing several years of looking like Celie's stunt double in The Color Purple: A Prison Song.
**rappin** J to the A/I to the Izzel/Without weaves and MAC/You gon' look like HIZZEL!!!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
GAAAWJUS in Grey
Think a pencil skirt is JUST for 9 to 5 hustlin' when you're workin' workin' day and night?
WRONG!
Peep the versatility of this grey pinstriped Old Navy stunner (available NOW! for $16.99 in sizes 22-30!!!) with a widetabbed waist to hide that extra handful of Hershey's Miniatures you stole from Carol's candy dish.
Effortlessly HIP
Your favorite hip hop DJ is spinnin' at the local car show and you need the perfect 'fit to be comfy and cool while catchin' the eye of all those car club cuties. Time to show them that their Dodge Magnums and Ford F-150s aren't the ONLY things that are candy-painted.
Stunt on 'em in a white baby tee accessorized with a fat, gold dookie rope worn under an animal print neckerchief with vinyl earrings, an arm full of rubber bracelets, a colorful leather bag and fiyah hot foldover leather ankle booties.
All this paired with your grey skirt...GUARANTEED to get their "engines" revvin'!
Velocity VIXEN!
Just as you're heading back to your ride while bobbing to the fading beat of the DJ, one of the guys from the Stuntin' 300 club hands you 2 VIP tickets to a party they're throwing in a hall close to downtown. Dre, the club's treasurer, tells you it's a "casual, but sexy event."
Casual, but sexy, ehh? "No problem!" you say as you immediately pair your red, jersey off the shoulder top with the skirt you're already rocking. Silver jewelry, a black and white patterned bag, and your plaid heels will help you get your par-tay on in the RIGHT lane.
**clitoral boner poking through my Just My Sizes**
Ooooohhhhwweeeee!!!!!!!
Like Hammer said: I got/SWEAT!/Runnin' all ova my chest!
My baby daddy NUMERO UNO spoke at a press conference promoting the much hyped throwdown between him and Big Show at WrestleMania 24 while looking like a tiny slice of Ghetto GOODNESS! LAWD!
**fanning self while buying plane tickets for Hillary CLITon to visit the North Pole**
I'm not a fan of this pic at all, dagnammit!!!!
If ANYBODY is gonna make my baby look like a Hershey's Kiss standing before a Klondike Bar in front of hella muthafuckas, it's gonna be ME...after I post our lovemaking session on YouTube. Somebody order a #18?!!!
**handing JD the phone**
It's Rick Ross. He says he don't want you smurfin' up his swag.
Jermaine Dupri addressed students in NYU's Recorded Music program in a session entitled, "How to Get a Record Deal" while making sure his son of Musiq Soulchild and this little dick taker game was strizzong.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
How YOOOUUUUU doin?!
In the complaint, filed Monday with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, Nicole Spence alleges Williams' 33-year-old demanded sex from her more than a dozen times, the Post reported.
"Mr. Hunter repeatedly sexually propositioned me at work in the most crude and vulgar ways, telling me over and over that he wanted to 'f---' me," the 27-year-old alleges. "I also feared Mr. Hunter because he repeatedly physically assaulted Ms. Williams at or near the WBLS studio."
Both Williams, 43, and Hunter deny the charges.
"Her allegations are totally false," Williams told the Post.
Click here to read more on this story from the New York Post.
Williams and Spence work at WBLS 107.5-FM in New York.
Sad. Truly sad.
It's apparent that Nikki Spence just doesn't understand the relationship between a man and his hay-wigged tranny donkey. How else do you get a wayward farm animal to perform without a good, public beating?
And what's wrong with Darling Nikki for turning down his advances? How are you gonna make Kevvy-Kev ask you more than ONCE to ride his trouser snake? I mean, who WOULDN'T Speed Race at the chance to throw their pussy to this fine specimen? The Lord just doesn't make quality fishtank head ass ninjas like this anymore!
She betta quit trippin' and get in where she can fit in!
In SUSPECK maternity news...
Garcelle Beauvais-Nylon Stockings posed with some white couple's her twins for the cover of the March 31st issue of Jet Magazine.
I ain't one to gossip, but if I was her, I'd be calling up Maury and this lady about a maternity test cuz to me, seems like Joseph Nilon was living FOOOUUUUULLL.
Monday, March 24, 2008
V
I don't know about you ladies, but I like my men man to wreck, ravage, and run all up and through the pussy...not resemble one.
Peep the usually chocolatey deliciousness that is Idris Elba on the set of the HBO's upcoming film, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, looking like a freshly shaved cocoa vajayjay.
**pouring out a lil' licka for the clitoral boner that ain't hea'...then doing a raindance while logging on to ThugBait to try to bring it back**
**Throwing piggybank against the side of my house**
Here's some pics of Jiggaman and Miss Mary at the Miami kickoff for their "Heart of the City" tour...the same tour I couldn't raise enough Poontang-Selling-On-Craigslist Ca$h to afford tickets to.
**tears while slicing wrist with a Veet razorless blade**
'Ye, Jeezy (Ayyyy!), and EFF AY BEE OH EL OH YOO ESS were also in the house. Peep Kanyeezy lookin' like Negroid Nutcracker.
Hova shared the shine with his loyal "apprentice," Memphis Bleek, giving him time to earn some extra blunt rolling papers cash perform some of his "hits."
Memph Bleek: Looking FINE as HAIL while selling exactly 17 CDs since 1999.
Here's my favorite photo of the bunch.
Since I won't be getting my good gushy gushy dough up no time soon so I can see the show live, I need one of you fortunate individuals who attend(ed) the concert to tell me what THIS was all about.
Judging from the look on Bush's face and knowing J-Hov the way I do, it would be appropo for him to have been spittin his verse from the remix to Juvenile's "Ha": You done got yaself into some deep shit...
Well, the show wasn't called "CHURCH in the City"
Now, in my whorish humble opinion, Kristen Davis could be licking ANYTHING in this pic, including a stamp. Stars got bills, too!!!
I just don't underdig why folks are so quick to think she's playing a saliva solo on the skin flute. Didn't the Bible say, "Judge not lest ye be judged?" YES!!
Heaven forbid YOU pass out drunk in a stranger's lap at the club. LAWD knows what we'd uncover in your Sidekick...mmmkay?!
Friday, March 21, 2008
**texting Oprah and Miley to tell them that I'm "Held Up at the Office"**
...as I sit at my desk and rub a nuclear hot mudhole in my "delores"
**Fanning self while dipping nipples in ice water**
HUBBA! HUBBA! HUBBA!!!!!
The "open-minded" individual that lurks inside of me (aka the side that thinks Queen Latifah and Missay may have the RIGHT idear!!!!) is simply admiring the SHIT out of these pics of Kim Kardashian wearing the HAIL out of ButtaFace #1's (aka Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls...and soft boners everywhere) new lingerie line.
Guess I should mention the other person in the pic. And I would...if my mind was working half as hard as my clit-rubbing hand.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Brought to you by the letter 'P'
...as in the shape D. Woods wig is styled in.
'P' is for POOR, PREPOSTEROUS, PURILE, a PATHETIC excuse for a hairstyle.
In this past Monday's ep of Making the Band I swear Gate Grill Diddy was tryna upgrade these hoes. I KNOW he told D to shelf that 'sullet.' (Side-mullet, DUH!)
Liza Minelli on one side...trying waaaayyyyy too hard on the other.
:-s
Either Kimora got caught out there at a baaaaaaaadddd angle...the camera is set on 'Chinese Pig'...or that microphone's about to be a GONER!
**Kim-Kim chewing and screaming at assistants**
WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS FORGOT TO DIP THIS MIC IN YANGNYUM KANJANG?!?!?!?!! Y'all know I turn 'bitch' when my delicate esophagus is compromised!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
It's our anniversary :-s
Today marks the 5th year that we've been in Iraq tearing shit up for no good gotdayumed reason and ruining our international image like NEVER before. YAY US!
This morning President Fuck-Up, in his pseudo-cowboy-from-Texas stance, spoke about the war as if shit really hasn't been that bad and has the possibility of turning around and actually becoming a success.
I have but 2 words for him and his cronies in the Administration:
As of May 1, 2003, "major" combat operations in Iraq ended, right? Lest we forget how our mission was "accomplished!"
Again, NINJA PUHLEEZ!!!!!
Let's go down the laundry list of things that have been "accomplished" since the war began:
- Loss of close to 4,000 US troops
- Loss of between 80,000-90,000 Iraqi lives (according to IraqBodyCount.org: The count encompasses non-combatants killed by military or paramilitary action and the breakdown in civil security following the invasion.)
- Close to 30,000 US troops wounded
- The war has cost the US over $503 BILLION (according to CostofWar.com)
- Gas prices have almost doubled
We're spending HUNDREDS of billions of dollars on the negativity that is war while at the same time cutting costs on positive things like education. GO USA!!! Makes a LOAD of sense! While teachers are being laid off left and right, Congress has repeatedly increased funding for the organized murder.
Well, I guess if you look at it from the standpoint of military recruiters, then this DOES make sense: Keep the kids ig'nit as fuck so once high school graduation rolls around NONE of them have enough smarts to enroll in or be successful in any sort of college. Which leaves them with WHAT alternative?
DAMN SHAME!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
THESE look like folks I'd have over my house!
**unpinning ponytail, re-sealing Vaseline, and tucking shank back into sock**
They are fam-ma-lay family!
Look at Kay-shuh Co' and her uterus donor, Frankie, and good-for-fertility sis, Neffie, looking like respectable folks for a change!
This is the first time I've seen Neffie's lips not looking like an ashy set of Brach's Neopolitan Coconut Sundaes. At this moment I need you to REFRAIN from acting like you don't know what I'm talkin' about!
These pics are from the reunion show for The Way It Is.
I'mma need that show to come back on like...**checking watch and Outlook Calendar**...LAST WEEK.
That was my ISH!
My existence hasn't been complete without seeing Frankie poppin' off for NO GOOD GATDAYUMED reason and then ending up dayum near in the fetal position once she realized A) shit WAS NOT that serious...or B) that she was wrong and making a muthafuckin' scene at Universal Studios in front of "company!"
My heart also yearns for that ever-present, brown probably ProStyle-stained, dingy "Celie" scarf wrapped around Neffie's head, fuck the fact that she was being filmed for NATIONAL TV.
And let's not forget those times when it was balled up in a corner somewhere between th O-A-K and the ATL, the endearing non-blendance {<-yeah, I made that up...so?} of her natural wool and Cherry Cola mixed with Louisiana Hot Sauce-colored weave.
COME BACK, GUYS!!! I miss your dysfunction that made my dysfunction seem so non-dysfunctional after all these decades!
Tell me: Does Nef-Nef look pregnant or as if she recently gave birth? Wonder if she ended up keeping that crackhead's baby or not...
**impatiently sitting Indian-Style in front of TV waiting for the reunion to air**
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The Good, The Bad, The Homeless
Stars without makeup!
photos courtesy of Star Magazine
I know everybody can't be a 10 all the time. It's a LOAD of work...sez the girl who used to REFUSE to leave the house without precision-drawn on eyebrows, pounds of mascara, and lips greasier than Miss Peachez Fried Chicken. Ya heah' may?
But as I grow older (and lazier...and my OWN set of eyebrows! YES! FINALLY!) I'm pretty much over it. So DON'T be alarmed if you peep me making an early Saturday morning Wal-Mart run looking like Leukemia Jenkins. Progress is a slow process. ESPECIALLY when that process involves trying to replace what you, FOR YEARS, Bic'd or Nair'd off. D'oh!
Anywhoo, peep these stars lookin' like the rest of us for a gatdayumed change.
Here's my mistress (behind my wife and my future {NO R. KELLY!} Babymama #1) just slightly off her game. She's still maintaining the same amount of fuckability she has when she looks like this. She just looks like she has a little bit of a cold, that's it. Doesn't stop my nips from singing a happy song!
**handing message to Kathy Griffin**
Powder called. He wants his swagger back. ASAP.
**hands Kathy another message**
Oh yeah...the sun called. Said it's still shining...and free!
Damn, Jess I know the movies ain't been doin' the HOTTEST...but I had no idea ish got this bad. Mean to tell me Romo ain't breakin' a bitch off? Daaaaaammmmnnn! I have 4 words of advice for that sitcho: SNATCH THE CAT BACK!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
**tappin' foot while boilin' pot of grits**
I'm about to go OFFFFF Mama-Payne-once-she-found-out-Gina-killed-her-bird-style!!!!
**Blood temperature on 'Hell'**
Whuht.Dee.PLUCK.Is.Goin.On.Here?!
photo courtesy of BOSSIP
You buyin' this bitch SHOES, Floyd? Word?!
You trickin' dough on this ho, Floyd?
Don't she got her OWN money? Why you gotta bring sand to her beach?! Wasn't she in one of the biggest selling girl groups of ALLL time? Shouldn't she have some munnay in the bank to buy her own shoes?
**recalling VH-1's Behind the Music: TLC**
Ok. Aw'ight, Floyd. Maybe the bitch DOES need a lil' sponsorship.
**screaming** But so do I!! I'm the one bringing home half a watermelon Jolly Rancher and a subscription to the Pennysaver every two weeks!!! And I shooooo' don't remember you gassing up the Maybach to take me to Payless so I can tear the American Eagle, Airwalk, and Montego Bay sections DOWN! No! Cain't do that for me! But you trickin' on The Gods Must Be Crazy Jr.'s ex-cumbucket.
Ok. I gotchu!
**raises pot up off the stove**
Who's The BOSS?!
No, I’m not talking Tony Micelli hittin’ that frosted haired white lady with the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell son and old hoochay ass mama up in Fairfield, CT. (80's babies: STAND UP!)
Step to the New Millenium.
Follow me nah if you wan’ get on!
Myspace is a mess, right?
Not only because of the pathetic state of hypnosis I’m in whenever I’m on it, which is usually from the MOMENT I step into my sorry ass workplace till the moment I leave (always 5-18 minutes early, too, succckkkkaaaaazzzz!!!!)
And of course it has nothing to do with me waking in the middle of the night to pee-pee, but first taking a moment to grab my phone off the charger in order to check my messages and comments...WHILE I’m on the shitter. **embarrassed face**
But because, like the ‘Net and the suicide cult that is now the Army, it gives folks the opportunity to be ALL they can be. Even if and WHEN that “all” is not WHO they be!
Riddle me this:
What’s the allure with the word ‘Hate’ on Da Spacer?
Everybody and they black-lipped, waterfall drawstring ponytail-wearin mamas have haters all of a sudden.
But not me! OH NO! I am a hater-free American.
And there’s an elementarily simplistic reason as to why: Cuz ain't NOOOObody checkin for a 67 cents an hour gig or to be so far in debt, homeless people assure me it’s gonna be aw’ight while handing me spare change and canned goods…and then walking off laughing and pointing.
(BASTARDS! **tears**)
I just want to know how and where does one acquire haters? Is there a Hate-Mart? Hate Depot? Haters R Us? McHater’s? Hate-In-The-Box? Haters Hut? HateSpace? WHAT?!?!?!
Are there just haters lying in hater-wait to hate on somebody? Should I not walk down the street wearing ‘Hater’ as I might be involved in a drive-by hateration?
OR...
Are haters really people who KNOW yo triflin' azz can do WAY better and have no problem expressing the fact? Could haters be the folks telling you to stand yo azz in the mirror (WITHOUT being dressed (or undressed) to impress with a camera phone or digicam in hand for a gatdayumed change!) long enough to take a good look at what’s REALLY going on and see if there is room for improvement?
Guess the bigger question would be:
How does someone who has close to NOTHING to hate on or be proud of have a hater in the first place?
OR
Be 'BOSSY'?!?!?
Doesn’t it take a JAY OH BEE with subordinates to be a BOSS? Sittin on ya ass collecting welfare and EBT a BOSS doth not maketh!!!! If you don’t collect steady income from it, it’s NOT employment. Taking and posting pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom of the person’s house you’re staying with for the time being, updating your Spacer profile, and obtaining new friends CANNOT be claimed on taxes, deary. Ain't no 1040-EZ for that, pimpin!
If I hear one more ninja who I KNOOOWWW is sleeping perpendicular at the foot of his grandma and grandpa’s bed, sleepin' under the afghan Granny made back when The Flip Wilson Show was still the hotness cuz he can't get his OWN shit since he done fucked up his life by going in and outta jail so many times he has a Frequent Felon Punch Card, I PROMISE I'mma walk into the nearest nursing home and go BANANAS on Gertrude, Ethel and Herbert! There's gonna be Jell-O, Depends, support hose, and the inevitable smell of impending death flying ERR'where!
GRRRR!!!
What's 'BOSSY' about livin' on the County? It's like being proud of washing ya face with a SHIT-STAINED Bounty!
If I hear another HOMELESS, living from place to place, non-High School-graduatin' welfare ho talking about how much of a BOSS she is and how bitches want to be like her while sitting at home switchin up her profile on Da Spacer from sun up till the next dayum sun up collecting GOVERNMENT FUNDS I’mma start puttin’ folks on BLIZZAST. Don’t forget how I work for the Welfare Dept! I know who the higher ups are! I know folks in Fraud and Integrity! I’ll be on a recon mission QUICK 
to gather evidence to expose how you’re spending money on flat irons, digital cameras, and Jordana lipliners instead of making a QUALITY life for your little crumbsnatchers!
Ladies and Gents: The following are REAL-LIFE examples of ‘hate’ that BAFFLE me because I don’t understand the basis haters would have to practice their “art” on these people.
The following two are REAL-LIFE stories of **rolling eyes while making air quotation marks** "Bosses."
So if you recognize yourself in these posts…you know I luuuuuhhh yo’ triflin’ azz! I only do it cuz I care like Bear!
There’s a girl I know who could be posted up in Merriam Webster’s as the poster bird for the word ‘Chickenhead’: A NUCLEAR, FRENCH FRY OIL HOT, GHETTO, IG’NIT mess! Hairstyles and colors obviously sponsored by KFC 
and Kool-AID, wardrobe brought to you by slaving Thai children in conjunction with your local indoor swap meet (or flea market, depending on where you rest yo naps) and makeup done by New York’s new governor
while riding down a cobblestone road on the back of a Moped helmed by Muhammad Ali.. Biatch works a minimum wage job, STILL lives at home, and is a frequent (**cougheverydaycough**) public transpo rider. Just basically your everyday RAT.
Weekly, this bird is clucking about someone hating on her. How bitches may try, but can't measure up to her "level." How she can take SOMEBODY’s man, how many ninjas she got and this and that. BWOK! BWOK! Muddasuckin BWOK!
My SavvyFatty Folks…I BEGGETH thee to tell ya girl:
Is this a recipe for hateration?!?!! Am I doing something wrong in my life since I'm not dripping with envy over this ho? Am I outta the loop? Is 'Chicken' the new black?
Now onto "BOSS."
**more air quotations and eyes rolling like dice in my dome**
Remember earlier how I said being a 'BOSS' entails a JOB and subordinates?
OH NO! Not to this fuckhead ninj I know. Apparently you CAAAANN be a boss WITHOUT gainful employment while still sleeping in the same bed where you used to drown your E.T. sheets in piss and J/O to the centerfold of The Good Girls in Black Beat magazine.
NUHCHIN says "BOSS" like borrowing your mom and grandma's cars, while actin like you got "options" when it comes to the wheels. Yeah, ain't shit like rollin' through Southeast in a brown 1987 Chevy Celebrity with a license plate cover that reads: "Happiness is being a Grandma."
Not a DAYUM thang screams "Bossy McBosserstein" like bein in the club, trickin drinks on hoes with BORROWED money while the ninjas who loaned you the dough in the first place glare at you from across the dancefloor, sober as fuck, cuz they fucked up and spotted your broke ass some change and now they can't afford to do nuthin but front like they faded, sippin on lemon water.
That's the biggest boss that I've seen thus far!
**singin like T-"Soot"-Pain** BOSS, BOSS, THE BOSS!
NINJAZ and BEACHEZ...PLEASE!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Craigslist Craziness!
I {Heart} Craigslist, mayne!
What other website exists where you can get free shit, buy a house, car, furniture, airline tickets, concert tickets, learn a new skill, get a job, get a BLOW job, PIMP yaself, and most importantly: FREE PORNO?!?!?!?! **drooling as hand slips below the belly button equator while scrolling through the M4M section**
Iff'in' there is another site, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT! Or want to know! I'm faithful to my Craig cuz he's aaaallllll I need to get byyyyy-iiiiii...or evenn HIIIIIGGHHH! (<--YES! Fa REAL!)
Anywhoo...on a daily basis, even though my wallet and budget are in side-by-side rooms in the ICU right now, I browse Craigslist's furniture section. I furnished 97% of the ish in my new lil' place (that was found on Craigslist!) with the help of "Cregggg." (Said like the chickenhead, hoochie mama offa Friday)
Off-White clean, modern lines, vintage couch for $100: CRAIG
Full-size mattress with boxspring and frame for $50: CRAIG
Birch 6-drawer dresser with silver pulls for $45: CRAIG
White computer Desk for $30: CRAIG
A ninja and beach to tag team me and give me head till I'm dead, hoe for FREE: CRAAAIGG!
(**wank, wank**)
Everything that I've purchased has been pure QUALITY, too. I don't buy ISH without looking at a pic first. Even though there's a lot of honest people with nice things just looking to get rid of stuff and help someone with anorexic pockets out, there's also a lot of people trying to make money to keep the bong going for the weekend.
Like the muhfucka who posted THIS ad:
Love Seat (VERY NICE) - $40
Reply to: sale-600658860@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-03-09, 12:09PM PDT
This is a beautiful couch with a blended weave fabric. Goes with everthing! Still looks very new! Asking $40/obo. Wont last long at this price! Call me at (858)###-#### Thanks for stopping by!
"Beautiful?!!?" Fa REAL!?!?! Beautiful as in Heidi Klum-beautiful...or beautiful as in "We are ALL Beautiful in God's Eyes" aka Seal-beautiful?
"Goes with 'everything?!?!?!'" Sure! 'Everything' like the backdrop of your 1986 weekend nightmare of being left alone with your uncle Butchie with the twitching eye and wandering hand!
"Still looks very new?!" Of course!! Like John McCain and Elizabeth Taylor New!
"Won't last long at this price?" DAMN RIGHT! Cuz once the water has evaporated outta the bong, these bozos will realize ain't noooooobody buying a couch that was poppin' in the days of Amazing Stories, Small Wonder, Kids Incorporated and Puttin' on the Hits!
