Ice C.R.E.A.M. Rules Everything Around Me

Baskin Robbins, my 2nd favorite dessert, weight-gaining, and Lane Bryant stock supporting spot behind Coldstone Creamery (Mmmm!! Cake Batter and Sweet Cream mixed with caramel and white chocolate chips! WIPE ME DOWN!) is holding a $0.31 Scoop Event TONIGHT from 5p-10p!
The event is in honor of America's firefightin' heroes and will benefit The National Fallen Firefighters Foundation which remembers the fallen heroes and provides support and assistance to the families left behind. Details here...

My, My Miley

Before I reduce myself to gettin' into fisticuffs with muhphukkas over my baby booboo, I'mma just politely ask y'all to leave my Mi-Mi alone.

For those who thought she should (she did!) apologize to her fans for posing in such "racy" photos, SHUT THE EFF UP! Maybe if you were more worried about your OWN kids they wouldn't be somewhere plottin' to blow up their schools or blowin' their teachers. Or looking for a role model via the boob tube cuz yo' azz is too busy to parent. MESSAGE!
What exactly should Miley be apologizing for?
Yes! She took the above artsy Annie Liebowitz flick that might not be appropriate for a 15 year old. And some Myspace pics that she should have thought twice about before posing for.

However...this ain't cha average teenager. Thi$ bitch got $tack$ like texturizer$ got Dax! Paper higher than a $ky$craper! Money like Chri$ Rock got funny! Dough like she's in training to be my Lady O. Oh!

Out of this whole "scandal" the only thing Mi' should be apologizing for is looking like the girl on the Les Miserable poster and for cheating on me with this lil' Mac Tonight-chinned floozy!
I know IGG-ZACK-LEE when this pic was taken, too! I recognize that scarf! That was the day she was supposed to be brangin' me a ribs and pancakes dinner for lettin' her stay up late to watch Cathouse 2 with me and O. And THIS the muthafuckin' thanks I get?!?!?!!


**gaining composure and recovering from jealous rage**
Bottomline: My lil' one can do what she wanna!
Long as she ain't flashin' myyyy me and Oprah's her panty partner for the world to see or drunk driving, or acting like she has to go elsewhere, instead of staying home with me and O, to get the biznazz, she's just being a girl! A very wealthy, BREADWINNIN' girl who could buy and sell you 2 dolla, 2-cent opinion havin' azz.

And the purPISS for these would be..?!

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Let me start off by saying: I'm all for kickin' the troof to the young azz yoof. I know, like KRS said: THEY MUST LEARN!

However, just because they may be going through pottytraining and day by day learning more and more about this here thing we call Life, DOES NOT mean they have to play with their Pee&Poo. ICK!
I was young once. And there was some shit I had to learn to get accustomed to. But I fa sho don't remember being in pre-school playing with a dildo so I could get conditioned to ride the sausage log (like a champ, might I add!) when I got older.

This shit (literally AND figuratively) does not sit well with me. Cuz after playing with them dayum thangs, I mosdef would never feel kosher about letting my baby do this. **adorns shirt with bile**

But we aaaaaall know who WOULD. **shaking head, disgustedly**

I Wanna Sick Duck In This Club

Photo Source: Cliff Watts

Don't know why, but when I peeped the piece about Uh-shuh over at Essence, my imagination went wiiiiiillllld like a child smokin' Black & Milds.
I won't taint your innocent lil' minds with what was going through MYYYYY dome as I read the following quote.
But I will say that the above photo is doing the complete opposite of helping. Tameka's beeyotch got that monkey-from-Outbreak-watchin'-a-Noah's-Arc-marathon swag ON PIZZ-ZIZZ-OINT! So I'll pose a question:
What comes to YOUR mind when reading this quote?
“My first single takes you back to the beginning of my life story--[reintroducing] the guy who wanted to hustle and play in the club but eventually making his journey to lifetime,” he says. “Life will take you through high and low valleys, give you seasons—rain and shine. Ultimately, the end of this story leads to a lifetime [fulfilled]. That’s what this entire project is all about.”

**hastily searching drawers for hot pants, tube socks, and a feather boa**
Anyone else up for a stay at the YMCA?!

Super Mario Ninja

**peepin' the folks in the background**

photo spotted @ Simply Dope
Am I the only one gettin' the sudden urge to power up?

We're ALLL God's Chil'lunz

First thoughts when seeing this pic?! Anyone? ANYone?!

The first thought, besides frantically searching for a pen while shouting, "RUN ME HIS DIGITS ASAP! ASAP!!!" (I mean, DUH! Can we say "Obvious!!!!") was: "When Akon and Young Jeezy find time out of their busy hip hop-ruining schedules to make this lil' one?"

Now...meet me at the crossroads so you won't be lonely.

Well, it's not AAAALL bad

Actor Wesley Snipes, best known worldwide for being blacker than the back of Whoopi Goldberg's neck and favoring rice over butta' beans as the star of the Blade franchise, has been sentenced to 3 years in prison for tax evasion. The sentence was handed down after it was found that Snipes willfully failed to file US income tax returns in1999, 2000, and 2001.

I don't know about during the day, but I know for DAYUM sure he'll be one of the only prisoners who'll be SAFER once the guards call "Lights Out!"

Now that's what I call a disappearing act.

**A Moment of Silence for Injustice**

And they say justice is blind.

**shaking head**

Nicole Paultre-Bell darted out of an NY courtroom, inconsolable, after the judge acquitted the undercovers charged in the 2006 shooting death of her fiance, Sean Bell.

I'm sorry. I'm outraged. I have no words.
Read more...

Speakin' of Hurr...

Will Smith's primary late-night dookie pusher Jada Pinkett-Smith and K-Ci's old coke ho Mary J. Blige, along with Carol's Daughter founder, Lisa Price (<--my sister in bigness. Club Chub-make some noooiiiize!) held a special meet and greet with customers at the Westfield Fox Hills Mall in Culver City. **singin' and whisperin' before I get a drive-by shankin'** In the GHETTO!

photos: Kevin Kwan/nubuzzphoto.com

Damn! I wish I would have known!...and I had the day off...and gas prices weren't so ungodly...aaaand I had enough $$$ to actually make a poychuss...cuz I woulda been THERE!
I LUUUUUHHHVVVZZZZZ me some Murry J., even if she swagger-jacked this ol' gubmit employee by rockin' my current chunky bangs, wrap and big glasses ish. Dayum! Cain't a poor gubmit employee have ANYthang to herself? (The truth: Yes. Yes, I can. And it's called "Poverty." **tears**)

photos: Kevin Kwan/nubuzzphoto.com

I'm diggin' Jada's crop as well. It's refreshing to see her reppin' for her mulleted counterparts in a fab, fonky fashion. I can dig it! REP YO RAINBOW!
**lookin' around...then whisperin'** Before going home to 'Du, Mary better check her neck for hickies.


BIG UPS to successful, Black business WOMEN!!!

Let's get gone! WALK IT OUT!

...You can doodoo pirate all by yo'seeeelllllf!

StAl has stalled.
Tell me this pic doesn't pretty much sum up the state of their union?

photo peeped at WORDIZZ

After far too many years of fag-haggin' and 2nd linin' at the gay perr-raid (Shouts to Eli!) Star Jones has removed her rainbow-colored glasses and is travelling down the path to seek out a HETEROSEXUAL relationship.

Get the details. Follow me nah!

Blood Cuz BANG Gangin!

Anyone who's laid eyes on me in the last few months knows I've been rockin' the blunt-cut bangs harder than Pootie rocks tangs.

That's because I'm in the midst of Operation: GrowBrowsBack.
I'm almost 4 months deep into getting my OG brows back. WHOO-HOOO!! OWWW!!!
I'm X-CY-TID cuz it's been at least 5 or 6 years since I've seen my OWN ish.
Each morn, with the help of a Bic and my Wet&Wild pencil, I was going from Leukemia Jenkins (D'oh!) to Luxe Monroe (Owww!).
However, the constant worry about moisture and/or wayward wipes robbing me of my expression was SO not worth it! Which is why the Operation began.

For those of you who may also be contemplating ending your early morning art classes and switchin' up to suh'in new, here's some BANGin' hot looks from Essence.


Good Girl Bangin'
Here's the starter kit for bangs. This beginner's look is for good girls who don't rock the boat, listen to authority and go to church regularly. You know, the kind all the boys wanna wife up. **whispers** But end up cheatin' on once they realize she AIN'T get the duck sick





Everyday Bangin'
This fun, funky look can be sported here, there and everywhere, even the jay oh bee without "some" folks constantly judgin', touchin, and relentlessly askin' questions like they do when you throw your Hawaiian Silky on.





She BANGS!
These bangs are for baaaaadd biatches like myself. The ones who don't need OR want your funky azz approval. Those of us who make our own laws, ninja! EFF yo' rules! You do what you gotta; we do what we wanna!

There. You got 6 million ways to BANG. Choose one!

Tag Team...back again!

I've been tagged! (Not like it's the FIRST time...**wank, wank**)

I know. I'm later than snow at the Equator. But hea' it FINALLY is, my TUB homies!

A Quick 6 about The Savviest Fat Bitch

1. I can't stand wigs!

Fine if you're terminally ill and on your way to the Upper Room and need to **singin** FEEL LIKE A WHOA-MUN!
But being in your 20s or 30s and throwing any old $19.99 Chin Lee's Wig and Biskit bullshit on to go to the club...negativo!

I HATE the ones that don't even ATTEMPT a natural looking part or hair separation, sit 50 feet above your natural hairline, and are bottom heavy like 32s on a Chevy.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

I'll gladly take Naps & Alopecia for $600, Alex.

2. I'm the absolute WORST drunk or "elevated" (**wank, wank**) dialer!

Soon as I'm feelin' good in the hood, I'm going through my contacts like a woman possessed and sending out inappropriate, random, and/or silly azz texts.

AAALLL of my exes (and never weres) get messages that look something like this: Dammit! Im misn yo azz ryt now. Wish u cud brang me summa dat. Membr wen I slid my tun-...

3. I <3 NERDS!

Now...don't get me wrong: I'll take a thug for some ig'nit, rape'ish DI ONLY. But my heart belongs to geeks. I love mad intelligence, an extensive, awe-inspiring, almost indecipherable vocabulary and someone ohso comfortable in their awkward dweebyness. **turning panties to a pond thinking about him**

4. I have an insatiable appetite for sushi, gyros and dark, ooglay, rough ninjas!

I'm fat. So you know NUH'CHIN makes me happier than a smiling stomach. **rubbin' both sets of bellays**

And like the old saying goes: The darker and uglier the berry, the longer the schlong!

**slowly and reminiscently singin** MEMORIES...like the corners of my mind...Misty, watercolored memories...of how you ran all up and through this behi...HEY! Nothing to read here, folks. MOVE ON!

5. Midgets are NOT the business!

If the Mob kidnapped my man and demanded $1 million in ca$h and I accidentally happened upon a midget sittin' atop a mountain of trillion dollar bills, I'd be posting an ad on eHarmony.com faster than you could say "Midget Mac!" Better that than tryna wrestle his lil' thick azz off the dough. **shuddering at the thought**

6. I turn into my alter-ego, MC Bri Ski, when I'm minglin' with the stars and throwin' a party on Mars. **wank, wank**

I can come off the dome and spit 38 FIYAH! bars about whoever's around me at the time.

**sendin' a special shout to my girl T-mama who caught the wrath one night** ;- )

T-mama Cheeks

She'll fuck you in ya baby mama sheets...

HAHA!

So there! Now you know a lil' more about your girl!

To all my SavvyFatty'ers out there: If you're so inclined, comment and leave 6 bits of info about yo punk azz.

And if not...well, fuck you with a shit shank then!

Urban Decay Family & Friends Event!

Urban Decay, the hip, trend-setting cosmetics company offering such fun, tongue-in-cheek product names like Roach, Oil Slick, Mildew, and Grifter is having a Family and Friends Event!
Save 30% on any purchase between now and Wednesday, April 30th. (To Redeem: Enter FFA30 at checkout, then hit 'Redeem Coupon')
Spend $75 or more and get FREE shipping!
Ooh!! Offer valid for Hard Candy cosmetics, too!!

Can't decide? Need product help or suggestions?
I like this...and this! Ooh! This, too! And DEFINITELY this! **wank, wank**

FREE babysittin' ain't always GOOD babysittin'

See.
This is 'zackly why you shouldn't leave your kids with people with nicknames. So what that Woop and Num-Num owe you a favor for letting them hide out in your house until that "lil' shit [blew] over." They should NOT be watching your kids, no matter how long you're gonna be at the club or getting your "nellz dee'id."
This shit right here is a crying shame. If you at the 9 to 5, be sure to turn your speakers lowwww cuz lil' Cornbread head is raw!

Billion Years Boys Club

Now you know I celebrates individuality ANYway it comes. Remember: I beez the girl who will rock a leopard print jacket with a giraffe print bag and be like, "YUP! In my mismatch!"

However, I still look 28 (or younger, right? RIIIIGHT?!!?!!) with mines.

Too bad I can't say the same for OldO'Neal McKnight (of "Check Your Coat" fame) as he arrives at the 2008 National Hip-Hop Team Vote Launch held in Philly over the weekend.
Besides looking like Pennzoil sponsored his neck and Knudsen purchased adspace in the corners of his mouf, he looked mad inappropriate for such an important event. (Read more here)

Is there ANYthing Black folks will dress up for besides court?
**E-VEEL side-eyin' all y'all before you get a chance to bring up Remy Ma's trial treachery.**

**Sidenote: I was HARDPRESSED like a hooker's dress to find BIRTHDATE information on ya boy O here. So since I could NOT, I'll judge him by the rings around his neck...and just assume him and Moses shared tools in Woodshop.

Damn, homay!

Ok. So, Bernard Hopkins let the Brit get all up in his grits at Saturday's fight.

DAAAMMNN, homay! Against Calzaghe you wud'nt da man, homay! **wondering if Hop can smell what the glove was cookin'**

Ok. Enough of that since, thanks to Captain Morgan and 'nim, I didn't get to watch the fight anyway. Guess HBO thought they was too good to broadcast live from my toilet bowl.
HAYDUHZ!!! But that's neither here nor there.

Look who was in the house like Mighty Mouse! Front row centa' like, "Yeah! I'm DAT ninja!" (Yeah, I see Whitney, looking alive!!! I ain't EVEN gon' hate! All I'mma say is "YAY YOU!" and "GET DAT YOUNG COCK!")





Wow!! What a difference a dick makes!
Before Ray dicked my babymama, Kim KardASShian, down (with a pants python that's MUCH too slim for myyyyy taste) nobody was checkin' for him. I GARE-RONE-TEE if this was just a couple of years back and he tried to sit FRONT ROW at a fight, the security guards would be like, "Wait a minute!" I bet Brandy wasn't even invited. Guess now since Ray's shinin' harder than his parents' daughter, she'll be labeled as "Ray J's sister"...or "Shawty Is a Killa!"

Guess I'm the ONLY muddasucka that likes "Roaches," huh?!

Yahoo! Music is calling out the WORST rappers of AAAAALLL time and I have to admit, it's pretty accurate.
I'm DYIN' laughin' at them calling out Bobby Jimmy and the Critters. Don't they know they were TRYING to be bad?
SHEEEEIIIITTTT!! They hay'in! Bobby Jimmy and 'nim had some classics! If I could find it, you'd hear me beatin' down the block bumpin': "Is it really yo haaaaiiiiirrrrr/Or is it really a weeeeaaaaave?"
Man! 80's babys, STAND UP!!!!

However, I'm pretty sure a YUP! in my Y T compiled this list because I don't see a few folks who should be FRONT and emm-effin' CENTER.
**side-eyes Trina, the WHOLE Dipset, Birdman, Crunchy Black, and dude who spit, "She cook/She clean/I'mma smell like onion rings" on Webbie's "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T"**

Getcha bars up, folks! And if you cain't, find ol' boy who T-Pain sold his soul to and GET ON YA GRIZZY!
Read more here...

Lloyd Banks wants The Game dead

Lloyd Banks, 1/3 of the uber-talented!, CD sales sensation!! that is G-Unit (ninja, please!) , thinks former group member The Game should awwwf himself.
In an interview with SOHH, Banks commented on remarks made by The Game regarding his thoughts about committing suicide in the current issue of XXL.

"I heard he's going to terminate himself so good luck on that," Banks told SOHH. "I predicted that too. So, next time you in the dark and you think about blowing your noodles all over your nice little paint, just do it like Nike."

Damn.

Tell us how you reeeaalllly feel, Plymouth Barracuda mouf and Dirt Devil nostrils. That's colder than a polar bear's toenail. But since this is probably the only way you'll get any kind of shine since your albums consistently sell double-corduroy, I ain't knockin' your relevancy hustle. DO YOU!

Savvy Fasties

**Handing over complimentary Club Chub membership card and saluting my sister with the sisterly Double Chin Spin**

Celeb wife Justine Simmons arrived on the red carpet for the celebration of officially handing over her Slightly Overweight membership pendant to join my illustrious squad of buffet-loving bitches, Club Chub Healing Bridges event hosted by shock-jock Howard Stern’s own personal sambo, Robin Quivers. Guess money CAN’T buy you a functioning appetite suppressant.

IT'S TRICKY!/TO BE SO ROUND/TO BE SO ROUND/TO BE SO ROUND/IT’S TRICKAY!

Cashing in her pussy chips
Rumor has it that songbird Alicia Keys is due to marry her music producer boo, Kerry “Krucial” Brothers, this upcoming Independence Day. And as much as we’d love to take that to the bank, **handing it back** we just cain’t. ‘Leesh? Cashing in her pussy chips? YEAH RIGHT!!! SORRY! We don’t believe you! You need more people! How could she possibly forsake a closet full of New Eras , rainbow bandannas and these?

Is Wayne Brady gon’ have to do his own full set?
It’s official like a ref with a whistle: Black America’s Whitemare Oily Black Sailor Coon is divorced.
Comedian Wayne Brady’s marriage to his wife of 9 years, Mandie, is over. The couple shared one daughter…and a disdain for dating and marrying within their own race.

When trying to reach Mandie for comment, she only offered: YOU WOAWN MANNY-COOR in PED-DEE-COOR?!

Like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese...

and beatin' the alarm just to snooze

And like a lick-pullin' Blood

I GOT THE BLUES!

Irritation level's sittin'

At an all time high

Right next to Weezyanna

Eatin' stars from the sky

It's on the edge of the ledge

'Bout to take the leap over

Aint no peace, peak is reached

Ain't a No Limit Soulja

Did way too much drankin'

Ain't get enough rest
Give me a small amount of bull

Sendin' holes to your chest

This ain't a threat

'Tis a promise

Ain't no fightin'

Bringin' llamas

Ain't no kiddin'

Fuck ya mama

I brings WAR

Fuck Drama

I spit nukes

Fuck flames

Fuck a toilet

Shit yo name

No aftermath like The Game

Katrina ya azz

Got Hurricanes

Fuck ya life

Who you admire

SF's the blog

You desire

Turn 35

And retire

She's now the Queen...

But I'm the SIRE!!

HAHAAHAHHAHAAAA!

Yeah, I feel better already!

Well...all WHITE now!

Warm weather and a steady stream of sun-soaked days are almost upon us. (And if you're a Southern Californian like me...they NEVER left!) **looking at everybody else** Wudderyoo? JEALOUS?!
It's almost safe to tuck away the dark, dreary duds from your cold weather collection and exchange them for spring time brights and summery lights.

What's a better way to throw up your hands to declare, "IT'S SUMMERTIME, BIATCHES!" than with a pair of linen-blend trousers that can seamlessly take you from clock-punching to rum-punching?

LaneBryant.com has the perfect pair of light, white, versatile trousers for all your hot weather happenings.







Saturday Sun-Day
What's better than waking up hangover-free! and to the sun smiling and shining through your window on a warm weekend morning?
Getting the chance to shop the uptown Farmer's Market!

The one you hardly get a chance to enjoy since you're forever nursing a headache or upset stomach from your Friday night festivities. You can already hear the strawberries, cherries, apricots and asparagus calling your name!
No time to fuss over an outfit. Just grab something quick as the market's only open for five hours...and you've already slept half of them away!





Throw on your "Lazy Days" pink plaid shirt over the tee you slept in and roll the sleeves up to your elbows since it looks hot out.
Slide into your white trousers, silver sandals, and a wrist full of stack bracelets. You can't forget those cute little plastic drop star earrings, the ones you scored for just $4! the last time you were sober enough to go to market.
Grab your sunglasses, reversible leather tote (for all those fab fresh finds!) and you're out the door. Hopefully looking cute enough to catch the eye of Adu, the African jeweler who for months now has been telling you how "eeg-squees-seet-lee bee-yoo-teef-oh" you'd look in a pair of his cowbone earrings. Today may be the day you score...not only flowers, produce, and the earrings (finally!)...but also his number. ;-)


Nautical By Nature
Your bestest guy friend invites you to a dinner party aboard his grandparents' yacht, Ebony Empress. You absolutely dread hanging with Avery's fam because of their unapologetic Black Elitist conservative views and the nonstop nagging about when you guys are going to "realize you're PERFECT for one another." But Avery is your bestie. So you can't leave him stranded with "those people" as he so affectionately calls them.
He tells you to dress up (to please the elders), but dress comfortably to please yourself. You have the perfect outfit in mind; one that will have precious Grandma Winifred questioning just how well you would fit into her bourgeois brood.


The clean lines of the white trousers paired with your nautically-themed schoolboy jacket over your hot pink Obama tee (YEAH!) will most definitely catch a few elephant-enamored eyes.
Carnation drop earrings, a silver envelope clutch and lime green heels set it all off. OH! DO NOT forget a pair of zebra-print flats just in case you ruffle too many right-wing feathers...and have to run for your left-wing life!


Weekday Wage-earning
You survived the night with the Harringtons and actually ended up enjoying yourself. After eating gourmet fried chicken and baked macaroni (WHAT?!!!)...and sipping 5 too many of Uncle Arland's addicting Peach Bellinis, you realize the Harringtons aren't that bad of a bunch. Yes, they are voting for McCain and "don't comprehend the allure of a simple Senator from the Midwest." But in the end...they are alright.
Since you slept through your alarm and only have mere minutes to get out the door, (Thank GOD for that before bed shower!) you throw your white trousers back on, (not before giving them a quick shake!), over a freshly dry-cleaned and pressed striped button-up, along with a white linen halter vest.



Silver teardrop hoops, a hot pink cameo, and an anchor necklace (keeping in the nautical theme!) accessorize your thrown together look. You simultaneously slide on your silver locket bracelet, grey stacked heels, and yellow ostrich purse just before grabbing your laptop and keys and flying towards your car, all the while thinking about Grandma Wini's smug promise to "groom you in the Harrington way in order for you to make Avery a fitting wife." HA! Is that right?!
If she could see you now!

Kids are Adorable

Watch. (Sorry! Embedding was disabled!)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=JchD_S5cXx4


Compare.

And if you can get some time off from your funeral...or from up under Lucifer's fiery bosom, (whichever came first) please read the comments. All I'mma say is: COME ON, PEOPLE!

**grabbing credit card and logging on to TicketsToHell.com**

Miss Crap Supreme

Photos Source
Really, I'm not feeling NONE of the "femcees" on this show, lyrically or physically.
Everybody looks like they could use a hot Massengil and/or Bleach and Febreze dip...and a gift certificate to Ann Taylor Loft.


The only one I'd give an "Aw'ight" to was my Sister in Bigness, Lady Twist. (Club Chub...STAND UP!) Other than that...I'll just be watching to see if somebody fucks up Chiba's OTHER eye. Rather it be with a fist...or with Byata's Rusky juice. **wank, wank**




The Ultimate Embarrassment to Black People quote of the night HAAAASSSS to go to Babymomma #1, Nicky2States (aka Baby Oil 'Bama), when talking about how shit was gettin' outta hand cuz everybody was gettin' they drank on:
"Alcohol, as they say, it makes you let down your prohibitions. We didn't have any."
LAWD!!! **Clutches Jeezus piece AND a history book**




Close runner up has to be Kim Wayans ghetto-cute A-alike, Miss Cherry, after a certain "semi-established" rapper got in her face about telling the honest dayum troof calling her a One Hit Wonder:
"Schuh-wang! You startin' an argument, schuh-wang de'en!"


EXKRUHS

• 
  I LMMFVenezias AAAWWWF at the scene when they were in the salon and homechick in the background, lookin' like a permed up Double-X Chromosome Flav, startin' giggin' and rappin' along to the gals' wack azz chorus.
  LOL! I hear dat! Don't let that perm burn stop you from gettin' EVERY BIT of yo 1.37 seconds of fame!
• 
  Overall, I think the challenge was kind of weak. Me, being the bia bia I am, I wouldn't have been nervous to spit in front of the Catholic Sisters. I just woulda pulled a lil memory of Martin outta my dome and spit Sheneneh and KeyLoLo's ish from the talent show ep ('member dat?): You want some...but you cain't get NUN! (<--Haha! Get it?! I'm lame...I know!)

**shakes head slowly** I couldn't watch the whole ep, mayne. My daily quota of IG'NIT had already been met while watching Flavor of Fuckery earlier. (Notice how this is a 99% Khia free post?!?!?! )

**reaches for Jeezus piece again**
SORRY!! I cain't do it all! I'm but ONE woman!

Monday Morning ____________ (flatline)

I know I'm on the late freight by JUST NOW posting this since it's been all over the web, but it's been because I've been tucked away in ICU with a prayer circle around my bed.

I lost both my breath AND my mind after watching this tomfoolery!!!! This shit right here, ninja...THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE! **throwing body on the 'In Rememberance of Me' table**

**PLEASE NOTE: The highlight is at the 2:19 mark**

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would someone A) Organize this, B) Record it and C) POST IT ON YOUTUBE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE?!?!?!!?!?!? There are A LOT of souls being beckoned to the 'Hell' line right now! Four of them are in the vid, sitting at the judges' table laughing...the others just got finished watching this shit. **looking DIRECTLY at you**

So...excuse me...I'm off to the crossroads cuz I miss my uncle Charles, y'all.

NO-NO-NO-NOTORIOUS Pt. 2

This just in!
The HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD casting of the biopic "Notorious" about rapper The Notorious B.I.G.'s life cain't stop, WON'T stop.

Peep the little cutie patootie slated to play Biggie's daughter, Tianna:

Photo Source

And for those who don't remember what Tianna looked like as a baby...follow me nah!

Now you tell me...Who duh HAIL left the gate open for Stevie Wonder to do the casting?!?!!?!!!
Read more here...

**wiping monitor down with insulin and testosterone**

Eddie Murphy celebrated his 47th birthday with a bash at The Bank in the Bellagio Resort in Las Vegas on April 11th.
It's refreshing to see someone up in age still be able to throw on a pair of nuthuggingly tight skinny jeans and a wifebeater and still be able to maintain their heterosexuality have fun.
Why is there a pic of MLK on the cake, though?! Was this a dual celebration? A birthday bash AND a commemorative event?

America's Next Top Trophy

Photo source

Why is Kelz, a bona fide superstar, trying to look like what's sittin' atop the award you get at Bronner Bros.?

The only logical answer for this fuck shit is that him and Sisqo are planning to hold a televised Metallic-Off, to see who can out-metallicize who. The winner gets a lifetime supply of leather Skittles-colored pants with matching fingerless gloves.
Other than that...**shifts Life switch to 'OFF'**

Fuck.

Apparently, this 1984 church camp art project fuckeration is supposed to be the bouquet that Bey carried down the aisle during her nuptials last week.

Instead of wasting a shitty qualified artist's time on this bullshit mess why didn't she just have House of Damn You Wrong puffy-paint her out a sign that clearly states: "I'm a Tacky Beast."
CUT TO THE CHASE, people!
Also, **opening my coin purse and looking for 2 pennies** instead of re-releasing Kelly's brick of an album and having her embarrass herself show up on red carpets from here to the BBQ Pit, why not just have her stamp her forehead with a sign that says, "I'll forever be Beyonce's shitwiper."

We all know it. Now's the time for y'all to SHOW IT!

MC Bama

**putting on 'Nice' cap**

You know what?
I ain't even gon' taze MC Hammer's babygirl, A'Keiba Burrell, for looking like part time choir director/part time drag queen Fontlutrell Simms on the set of MTV's "Rock the Cradle."


If she wants to rock a blue pleather belt directly beneath her clavicle, then that's HER business. Who am I to judge my fellow big biatch on her style choices?
Plus, her ass sung the DOG SHIT out of Jennifer Hudson's "I Love You, I Do" on the premiere ep of "RTC." Had me wavin' my chuuuch fan and shakin' my tambourine like, "YEAH!" I say she wins it all...if the shit was on BET. But I know one of them young Y T's are gonna take the crown.

When the bough breaks...

...the cradle will contract a savage case of HIV.

Landon Brown, Bobby Brown's first bust-it baby, dry yodels performs on MTV's "Rock the Cradle" looking like the youngest member of the Village People.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of this...so again, I'll save my adjectives. Just someone please hit my inbox and let me know if I'm behind the times and unfamiliar with this new fashion trend, Hip Hop Homo Cowboy Chic. Is this really what the young gals are feenin' Jodeci-style for?